LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #222: LNH vII #50 Part Two

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Nov 15 19:59:02 PST 2021

On 11/14/21 4:09 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad has been revealed as a Dorf.  But
> what are the Dorfs exactly?  Will we get Wikipedia Galactica entry to
> enlighten us?  And if so -- can we really trust the Wikipedia Galactica
> -- I mean what kind of agenda do they have?  A Galactic one?!

How do I get an account on there, anyway

> And while that's happening, a group of LNH'rs are going down in to the
> sub-sub basements to unlock Irony Man's memories in the hopes that it
> will explain all this -- but can they handle what these memories might
> reveal about the LNH?  And can you, dear reader, handle them?  Can you?!!
> I mean -- okay -- since you're not an LNH character -- it probably won't
> be as impactful on you as it is on them -- but you never know...

I mean, they *are* really sad, when we get there.

>       According to the Wikipedia Galactica (which has kept the relevant
> page locked for centuries, as Dorf-related pages tend to attract a fair
> amount of vandalism), the Dorfs emerged from seemingly nowhere five
> thousand years ago, around the same time as the beginning of recorded
> history on the minor but persistently irritating planet known as Earth.

"Minor but persistently irritating" is how my enemies describe me! <3

> Fleets of Dorf ships flooded from outside the galaxy, bringing
> devastation in their wake. They destroyed the original homeworld of the
> Inhilators, almost brought down the Christicantthinkofagoodname Empire,
> wiped out six trillion Dvorakians, reduced the numbers of the Arcane to
> no more than a few hundred (from which they never recovered), and caused
> even more death indirectly by crashing the galactic communications
> network with their constant troll-posts. Even the Ultimate Dullifier of
> Alt.lactus had failed to stop them in their tracks. After the Great
> Flamewar, which lasted for 69 transgalactic megawhatzits (approximately
> a century and a half), an order of gods and heroes known as the
> Guardians of All That Is joined together to defeat them. The Dorf
> finally agreed to a truce and stayed for a time within the area which
> forms the core of their empire now.

There are so many LNH references in this, and so much subtle 
continuity-bolstering. Jeanne's so *good* at that when they go off.

>       No one knows the history of the Dorf before they came to our galaxy.
> According to their own legends, however, they were once a peaceful and
> quiet people who dedicated themselves to the pursuits of philosophy.
> Their world knew no crime, disease, or war. It was also incredibly
> boring.


> But this world came to an end when a being they called the
> Prophet, one of the ancient Net.Trolls, arrived in their galaxy.

Subtle use of "Net.Trolls" to refer to the Topphorti New Mods.

>       Somewhere in the depths of the endless void, countless light-aeons
> beyond the known galactic cluster, there lies a world that orbits no
> sun, coated by metal and shining with the reflected gleam of a billion
> stars. This is the world known as Topphorti, home of the dark Net.Gods.
> It resembles what the people of Earth know as a disco ball. There was
> another world that stood opposite it once, a green and fruitful world of
> song and rejoicing, but that world is no more.

Someday I'm gonna do a fuckin' epic Net.Gods storyline, you watch

>       Beneath the surface of the shining metal world is a warren of dark
> and cramped caves where workers who have never seen the light of a sun
> toil forever. Their only outlet for rest is dancing on an equally dark
> and crowded dancefloor, desperate for empty hedonism, dancing to
> thumping and insistent beats. Countless of them die every day on the
> dancefloor, crushed to death by their peers, just as they die in the
> factories. Yet they still dance.
>       Imagine a boot stamping on the dancefloor forever.


>       A Dorf superawesomegrimdarkmegadreadnought

And then to go immediately from that to this X3 <3 <3 <3 PERFECTION.

> It was an enormous techno-gothic nightmare, bristling
> with flying buttresses covered in hideous gargoyles wielding chainsaws.

God that's so great.

> It was built more for form than function, but dangerous nonetheless. It
> dropped seven massive bombs in the shape of screaming, distorted faces.
> Each of these flamebombs had the power to destroy an entire planet. The
> seven flamebombs exploded in a deafening crash and a giant conflagration
> that covered the planet's surface, reflected up into space by the
> mirrors that coated it. When the light faded, there was a tiny crack in
> the planet's surface. Just large enough for the Dorfs to teleport
> themselves through.

How much does this scene build up both Flipseid and the Dorfs, man

> He was an elite
> hero-killer, who had Descended and become one with the power of
> Senseless Violence. Three times he was thought to die at the hands of
> the LNH, but Death itself could no longer contain him.

Taking this silly continuity and making it intensely poetic, jeeeeez

>       "Your guts are too small!"


> It was squadron
> of heavily armored figures carrying massive clubs engraved with
> circuitry -- the Club Bangers, pitiless servants of Flipseid, Lord of
> Topphorti.

I think this is the first time this name was used and daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn

>       "Hey, I'm not just a nuisance! I'm a nuisance and a half, disco
> daddy, and don't you forget it!"
>       "Didn't the Legion kill you twice?"
>       "Yeah, but this time I'll be ready! I'm a mean lean Legion-killin'
> machine! I'm ready to rub the blood!"

God I love all the weird-ass dialog Marshall LaRocque gets

>       And from a distance, cloaked from sight, the cosmic protector and
> reserve LNHer known as Seyfert watched. He'd known the Dorfs were
> planning something terrible but had no idea it would be anything like
> this. If only he could make it to Earth and warn the Legion in time...

Jeanne brought in this character of mine as a surprise and it worked so well. :D

>        Kid Enthusiastic ran into the cafeteria, sneakers skidding on the
> tile floor. "Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!"

Another bit of moving characters around. X3

>       "Just a minute." The cafeteria doors slammed open. Standing there
> was... another Irony Man! "Might I inquire into who it is that's
> standing in front of me?"
>       "The real deal!" said Toony Stork, taking off his Irony Man helmet-
> head-thingee. "And you are?"
>       "I figured you knew that, seeing as you were the one that hired me
> to replace you," said the mysterious Irony Man II.


>       "Why are *you* even in the Irony Man suit?" asked Cynical Lass
> suspiciously.
>       "Because -- I'm Irony Man? Oh yeah, and Catalyst Lass invited me to
> the big bash. What the hell is everyone's problem?"

I love when it's clear who wrote what. X3

>       Could it be that he was wrong about You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-
> Enough Lad -- that he hadn't always been a Dorf? Could it be that
> whatever had caused You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad to change was
> also starting to happen to him?

Excellent retcon making the plot go.

> And then he
> looked at his lab coat -- and at a small piece of Cheesecake Eater Lad's
> Taco Salad Cheesecake that was on it. This was not good -- not good at
> all. Could the cheesecake be changing the DNA of LNH'rs and turning them
> into shapeshifting Dorfs?

You know, i'd believe it.

>       Why should he warn these stupid LNH'rs, thought Dr. Stomper. They
> all needed to die -- for their past sins. Yes, die! Kill them all! Dr.
> Stomper looked at his hands, quickly changing into claws. His teeth
> began to change into razor sharp fangs. Yes, time to kill them.
>       Kill them all!!!!

God, I've been there after a shift on the register.

>       "Oh, very well spotted!" snarked Stomper with sarcasm so acidic that
> it could have dissolved holes in the floor. "I guess you've got
> functioning eyeballs. Here, let me RIP THEM OUT FOR YOU!"

I believe this part is where Saxon steps in~

>       Stomper lunged for Hats Lad, who dodged and fell backwards into a
> rack of battle cheesecakes. Cheesecake-Eater Lad's special Knockout
> Cheesecake landed on his head, and he was out for the count.

And another "hey this character needs to be knocked out" fix. X3

>       However, Cynical Lass stepped forward before anyone else could act.
> "Oh, there are some wankers whose presence is obvious," she said coolly
> to Doctor Stomper.

I think it switches over to Rob at this part.

>       "Yes indeed," said Cynical Lass calmly. She stepped forward again,
> making an offhand jabbing motion with her cigarette. She hadn't had a
> cigarette in her hand a second ago during the exposition, and she
> certainly hadn't had time to light it. But she had a lit cigarette now
> -- maybe thanks to her powers -- and wielded it with an almost
> absentminded motion. Doctor Stomper was forced to step back a pace, lest
> he get stabbed in the eye.

Excellent use of her powers and characterization~

>       Masterplan Lad wandered over to WikiBoy and said, "You know, she has
> a very good point."

I think it goes back to Saxon here. X3

>       "Well that's all well and good," observed Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats
> Lad, "but Poignant Death Lass was killed."
>       "No, she wasn't," said Doctor Stomper weakly, from where he was
> resting after his ordeal. "That wasn't a poignant death, merely a shock
> tactic to ramp up dramatic tension. If you check, you'll see that she's
> merely unconscious from shock and has severe whiplash. Nothing that the
> use of the Urple Healing Ray won't fix as good as new."

Naturally! :3

>       "And I'm back on cigarettes again, after six months without a smoke.
> A sweet, sweet, delicious smoke," sighed Cynical Lass, placing a
> cigarette in her mouth and inhaling deeply.


>       "We're not out of the woods yet," said Doctor Stomper, who -- with
> Kid Enthusiastic's help -- was applying a salve of aloe cheesecake to
> his injured face.
>       "Hell no," muttered Master Blaster. "If I know these authors, we're
> barely out of the first act."


>       "Well, yes," Doctor Stomper said. "But what I saw indicated a
> transformation of You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad's genetic
> material that was much more extensive than one would suppose would be
> possible if it were triggered by a mutagen in the cheesecake he ate this
> morning."

Another nice subtle retcon~

>       "Then the Dorfs might have found some other way to get to us," Kid
> Enthusiastic said.  "Everyone... the whole LNH... the entire world...
> might be infected."
>       The room was silent for a moment -- but for the steady drip, drip,
> drip of one of the Legion's several coffee makers -- as everyone
> absorbed the impact of Kid Enthusiastic's words.
>       "On the bright side," the spiky-haired preteen continued, "it's
> probably safe to eat the taco salad cheesecake."

Rob is so fucking good at this. X3

>       Doctor Stomper cleared his throat. "As near as I can tell," he said,
> "the Dorf compound remains dormant in the victim's system until the
> victim experiences a period of great anger, frustration, or stress. Then
> the compound begins forcing the victim's body to manufacture a kind of
> artificial adrenaline, an..."
>       "En-Dorf-in?" Painful Pun Person asked.
>       "Precisely," Doctor Stomper finished.


> "Master Blaster, you take Anal-
> Retentive Archive Kid II, Horrible Name Lad, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-
> Enough Lad, the other me and Ubiquitous Boy Lad, Jr. and bring this
> sample of the antidote to Kid Kirby's lab.
>       "Stomper," Irony Man continued, "get to the Central Command Center.
> If we really are looking at an invasion, every nation on Earth will need
> to know about it. Take Namer Boy and Ubiquitous Boy Lad, Jr. with you.
>       "Work with Kid Enthusiastic, WikiBoy and Ubiquitous Boy Lad, Jr. on
> the solution? I'd be honored," Masterplan Lad said.
>       "Uh, okay," Irony Man said, turning to Cynical Lass, Poignant Death
> Lass, Painful Pun Person and Ubiquitous Boy Lad, Jr. "The rest of you,
> come with me.  We're going to head downstairs and find out what I know
> about all this. Or used to."
>       "And finally, I'll need you, Ubiquitous Boy Lad, Jr., to stay here
> and coordinate our actions," Irony Man said.
>       "I never get to do anything," UBLJr. grumbled.

goddddddd I love it X3 <3 <3 <3

>       "That we're all still here," Irony Man said. "That despite the
> Bryttle Brothers... and Bart... and Hex Luthor... and that whole
> business with the Norse god of trickery..."
>       "Uh, that was the Avengers movie," Namer Boy said.
>       "Damn. I've got to stop switching up those memory sticks," Irony Man
> said.

Man, remember when that was fresh and new? @-@

  "But the point is... despite everything, we're all still here. And
> I have to think that some of my decisions... whatever they were... had
> something to do with that."
>       The needle on the irony detector at the center of Irony Man's chest
> plate wavered slightly.


>       "Irony Man's right," said Kid Enthusiastic, who had burst
> breathlessly back into the room after realizing that no one was
> following him.

*breathlessly moves pieces around* X3

>       "This is the time for us to pull together! To save the world! And
> then to come back here and celebrate -- with cheesecake!" Kid
> Enthusiastic finished, and even Cynical Lass joined in the round of
> cheers that followed.

:D :D :D

>       "Why are you asking me?" Kid Enthusiastic said.
>       "You see any other eleven-year-old genuises in the room?"
>       "...Von Clausewitz," Kid Enthusiastic said at last.

Rob did a really good characterization of "serious" Kid E.

> "Invasions don't just come
> out of nowhere. Pearl Harbor happened because relations between the
> Usenetted States and Japan reached their breaking point."
>       "But... the Dorfs are aliens," Cynical Lass said. "Are you saying
> that... there might have been some kind of back-room deal at the highest
> levels that kept them from invading before? And that now... something's
> changed?"

You know, I don't think this actually ties in to how we saw the invasion work, 
but it was way too good not to keep. X3

Drew "has never believed in 'kill your darlings'" Nilium

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