LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #221: LNH vII #50 Part One

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Nov 7 13:23:01 PST 2021

You can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for the whole issue of LNH vII #50.

And this is part one of the Big Mega Multi-Writer Issue of LNH vII #50.
There were Eight LNH Writers involved in the writing of this and they
are as follow: Jeanne Morningstar, Rob Rogers, Scott Eiler, 
Dave Van Domelen, Arthur Spitzer (me), Drew Nilium, Martin Phipps, and 
Saxon Brenton.

Way back in May of 2012, Jeanne Morningstar had just won High Concept
Challenge #29 and decided to make LNH v2 #50 the new challenge -- with
a due date a month from then.  Here's that post from May 16th, 2012:

From: Adrian J. McClure mrfantastic7 at gmail.com
Date: Wed May 16 21:59:41 PDT 2012

   In honor of the LNH's 20th anniversary, and the fact that with all the
   other things we're doing on and off RACC we'd never get it done any
   other way, I declare LNH v2 #50 the next High-Concept Challenge. The
   due date is a month from now, unless it somehow gets finished earlier.

   I've written about the basic ideas I have in mind for this on the
   author's group; if you haven't joined yet just send me an email.
   Martin and Scott have already written scenes but it's still in the
   opening stages so a lot is still up in the air.

   AJM (ready for the big anniversary celebration--I'll probably have one
   heck of a hangover)

It took a bit longer than that.  Two years in fact (it would finally get
posted on Nov 2nd, 2014).  Now quite a bit of the writing was done in that
first month or so, but there were various writer disputes and apathy and
other real life concerns that caused it to be delayed and delayed.

I remember there was talk back in RACCCon 2012 among some of the
people there about possibly finishing the issue.  I was the one that
vetoed that idea -- so you can probably blame me for it not being
finished back in 2012.  And part of the reason I didn't really want to
tackle it back then was due to the big writer flame war that had just
happened around that time.

LNH vII #50 is (perhaps) the last story of the Martin Phipps era of the
LNH.  Martin was kind of the John Byrne of the LNH.  As John Byrne was
an important force in history of superhero comics -- Marin was an
important force in the LNH Imprint.  He certainly helped define the LNH
style and influenced a bunch of other LNH writers like Ken Schmidt and
Jeff McCoskey who in turn influenced others (like myself).  But like
John Byrne, he also had a habit of getting into all kinds of feuds with
the various other LNH writers.  Look at any big flamewar from RACC and
alt.comics.lnh's past -- and most likely you'll see Martin as a big player
with in them.

Back in 2011 around the time people were making the LNH20 Imprint,
Martin had written some distortion of the truth that caused me to
blow up at him, which caused a big flamewar with the end result being
me not really wanting to deal with Martin anymore and me boycotting
writing his characters (and me essentially giving him the silent treatment 
for the most part).

This made writing for LNH v2 #50 a kind of awkward experience for me since
Martin was a heavy part of this (as well as his character, Master Blaster)
so that was one of the reasons why I didn't really want to deal with
finishing this issue back at RACCCon 2012.  And during the writing of #50,
there was this dispute between Martin and Drew involving Kid Enthusiastic's
characterization (Kid E being a Drew character -- so probably the person
that understands the character the most -- you'd think -- if you were some
person other than Martin).  So, while everyone is still working on #50 --
Martin decides to write issue #51 and posts it.  #51 seems to have been
written just to troll Drew -- and of course there's another big flame war
and Martin pretty much burned every last bridge he had with the LNH and he
quit RACC for good (granted he did wind up making a sock puppet account
(April White -- was that the name?) so he could write some stuff for the 
LNHY Imprint.)

And all that sort of killed whatever momentum there was for finishing #50.
But Drew eventually (maybe with some help from Jean -- can't quite remember)
did finish the whole thing and edit it into something coherent and posted it
in 2014.

There was some dated stuff that was rewritten (I remember making a
reference to Kony 2012 meme).  So, with all that said -- here is the first

We begin in the LNH Cafeteria -- all of the LNH'rs are abuzz about the 20th
Anniversary party that Catalyst Lass is planning.  And on the menu is
Taco Salad Cheesecake (and perhaps even worse things than that).

And now...

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #221

                          LNH vII #50 Part One


From: Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Date: Sun Nov 2 16:20:29 PST 2014

                           LEGION OF NET.HEROES

:LLLLLLL:           :NNNNNNNNNN:         :NNNNNNNN:            :hhhhhhh:
:LLLLLLL:           :NNNNNNNNNNNN:       :NNNNNNNN:            :hhhhhhh:
:LLLLLLL:           :NNNNNNNNNNNNNN:     :NNNNNNNN:            :hhhhhhh:
:LLLLLLL:           :NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN:  :NNNNNNNN:            :hhhhhhh:
:LLLLLLL:           :NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN: :NNNNNNNNhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:
:LLLLLLL:           :NNNNNNNN: :NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:
:LLLLLLL:           :NNNNNNNN:   :NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:

  |NHLNHLNHLNHLNH|      "The Challenge From Before"     |NHLNHLNHLNHLNH|
  |LNHLNHLNHLNHLN|  written by and copyright 2012-2014  |LNHLNHLNHLNHLN|

[ The cover is an homage to Justice League of America #100, showing a
number of present-day LNHers (Seyfert, Anal-Retentive Archive Kid II,
Irony Man II, Cynical Lass, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad,
Master Blaster, Masterplan Lad and Poignant Death Lass) standing before
a monument, with the ghostly images of founding LNHers (Comics-Snob Boy,
Mainstream Man, Catalyst Lass, Irony Man I, Lurking Girl and Mood Arrow)
looming above it. On the monument is written, "HERE LIES THE UNKNOWN
LNHER." Below is a plaque reading, "The greatest gathering of super-
stars ever recorded! The 20th anniversary adventure of the LEGION OF
NET.HEROES... in search of THE LNH'S TRUE ORIGIN!" ]


* In LNH THE EARLY YEARS #3: Irony Man (Toony Stork) related the origin
   of the LNH. The LNH was founded many years ago when Rick Smith of the
   Toon Brigade summoned Irony Man, Lurking Girl, Loquacious Lad, Kid
   Yesterdaze, and Marvel Zombie Lad to defeat an impending threat. It
   turned out there wasn't any; it was simply a practical joke. But the
   five heroes decided to get together to found the Legion of Net.Heroes
   should a real threat emerge. Or at least that's the official story...

* In BEIGE MIDNIGHT and LNH VOLUME 2: Irony Man betrayed the LNH in a
   devil's bargain to save the world. Disgraced, he threw himself into a
   final battle - but ended up praised for a save that wasn't his. He has
   retired and appointed a successor, the mysterious Irony Man II...

* In STAY DEAD!, DON'T STAY DEAD!, and NOT DEAD!: On their very first
   mission for the Legion of Net.Heroes, against a threat known as Beige
   Midnight, Horrible Name Lad and Poignant Death Lass died. Ensign
   Bodybag welcomed them to the Afterlife. They saw Don't Stay Dead Man
   come for one of their teammates and give him True Death, but when the
   higher powers decided that they were more interesting than he was,
   they returned to the Looniverse -- just in time for Taco Salad

                      --LNH--     --LNH--     --LNH--

The LNH Cafeteria:

     "So," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, taking a bite out of
Cheesecake-Eater Lad's special Taco Salad Cheesecake, "you guys going to
the big LNH 20th Anniversary bash (that Catalyst Lass has been working
on for the last month or so) tonight?"

     Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. [The sidekick of Ubiquitous Boy's sidekick
Ubiquitous Lad (or is it the other way around?) -- Footnote Girl]
shrugged.  "Guess so. Since I'm everywhere, I suppose I'll be there

     Namer Boy, who was also sitting at the table with them, shrugged a
bit too.  "I suppose. Though I hate going to these things -- without a
date. Feel like a lame loser."

     "No need for that," said Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad, pulling
something out of his top hat. "There. A list of all my groupies and
their numbers. Call one of them."

     "You have groupies?" said Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr., just a bit shocked
by the idea.

     "Hey. I was, like, *the* most popular character during Infinite
April -- appearing in tons of stories. Also, I won a 2007 RACCie for
best supporting character. And the ladies? I'm telling you, the ladies
love my extra thumbs. It's true."

    "What are you people doing?" said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad, walking over to their table with a very pissed-off look. "Sitting
and eating cheesecake?"

     "Umm," said Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad, taking another bite. "It's
lunch time?"

    "I can't believe you people are just sitting around," said You're-
Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, shaking his head. "Do you know what's
happening in the world -- while you're sitting here? Did you know there
are people out there, starving, who can't a job or a car or medical
care? Just laying there, waiting to die? Why hasn't the LNH done
something about this?! Why have *we* done nothing about it!?"

    "Is something wrong, YNHMHE Lad?" said Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad
with a concerned look.  "You're being really serious."

     "Is that a crime?" said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad.
"What? Am I supposed be just the joking guy that likes people to punch
him in the face all the time? Is that what I'm supposed to be? Because
I'm more than that! My god! Look at what's happening to the world!
People are suffering! Tyrants are brutalizing their citizens! Children
being forced into armies in Africa! In Middle Eastern countries, women
barely have any rights!! Chinese factory workers are slaving in hideous
conditions to make iPads for fat Ame.rec.ans!!! Why isn't the LNH doing
something about this? Why are we blind to everything bad in the world?
Is the world better than it was in 1992!? What good has the LNH done
during the past 20 or so years?!! Just tell me that. Just tell me that!"
His knuckles were white on the back of the plastic cafeteria chair.

     "You mean other than the thousand or so times the LNH has saved the
Looniverse from complete oblivion?" said Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr., glaring
at YNHMHELad. "You mean other than that?"

     "Plus, I'm not sure how much of that is actually in our continuity,"
noted Namer Boy.

     "Look," said UBLJr. "Why don't you talk to Ultimate Ninja, or
Fearless Leader, or *someone* in a leadership position about this?  We
don't control the LNH. We don't decide what missions should happen,
beyond small-time Net.ropolis stuff. So go yell at them."

     "Maybe I'll go do that," said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad,
returning UBLJr.'s glare. "Maybe I'll do just that!"

     "Hey, guys!" piped WikiBoy as he walked towards them.

     "Wassup, WikiBoy!" greeted Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr.

     You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad looked at WikiBoy and frowned.
"What's that on your backside?"

     "Oh," said WikiBoy, with a slightly shameful look on his face.
"That's, uh, that's my beaver tail."

     "Why in the world do you have a beaver tail?"

     "Oh, well, Master Blaster said I had one, so... now I have one."

     "Why would he do that?"

     "I dunno. Guess he thought it was funny, maybe?"

     "Funny!? Do *you* think it's funny?"

     "Well, no. Not really."

     "Do you like having a beaver tail?"

     "Well, I suppose not. Though you get used to it after a while. And
it does make swimming easier."

     "Do you see what's happening here?" said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-
Enough Lad, turning to his friends. "How can the LNH fight the evil and
injustices in the world -- when it takes a blind eye to the evil and
injustice within its own halls? Do you finally see? This ends here! No
more will Master Blaster abuse WikiBoy! No More!! Today it all ends!!
Today, Master Blaster pays for all of his crimes!!!" You're-Not-Hitting-
Me-Hard-Enough Lad shook his fist with rage and stormed off.

    "Or maybe you could just say 'WikiBoy no longer has a beaver tail'.
Or someone else could say that and it would be gone." WikiBoy waited for
someone to say something... waited... "Or maybe I could just stand here
and talk to myself."

     "Wow," said Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad after watching his friend's
complete meltdown. "YNHMHELad vs. Master Blaster? No good is going to
come from this. Any bets?"

     "Probably Master Blaster," said Namer Boy, still looking at the list
Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad had given him. "So, do you have any pictures
of these girls?"

                      --LNH--     --LNH--     --LNH--

     You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad slammed open the door to
Master Blaster's room. "You're an asshole!"

     "Excuse me?" Master Blaster put down the rifle he was cleaning and
removed the jeweler's loupe from his eye.

     "You heard me!"

     Master Blaster sighed and shook his head. "I'm not mad, just...

     "Seriously!" shouted YNHMHELad. "Look at how you treat WikiBoy!"

     MB waved it off. "He knows I'm just kidding around."

     "'Kidding around'! Well, I'm *not* kidding around!  I said you're an
asshole and I meant it! What are you going to do about it?"

     Master Blaster pulled out his BIGGUN and shot You're-Not-Hitting-Me-
Hard-Enough Lad in the face.

     "NO!" shouted Kid Enthusiastic. "Rob!  What are you doing?!"

     "He literally-- wait, what are you doing here?"

     "Oh, I've been taking classes! Did you know your room is right next
to the yoga studio?"

     "Absolutely not and you can't prove I did."

     You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad sat up and spat out a tooth,
grinning brokenly at Master Blaster. "Is that the best you can do?"

     "See?" said Master Blaster. "He's fine."

     Kid E rubbed his forehead. "Rob, look-- if someone walks up to you
and says 'Shoot me,' are you really and actually going to shoot them?"

     Master Blaster thought for a moment.  "Yeah."


     Master Blaster shrugged. "Look, net.heroes aren't just people in
costumes. We have a purpose! My purpose is to inflict pain and injury!"

     "C'mon, big man!" said YNHMHELad, thumping his chest. "You wanna
inflict pain? Don't settle for WikiBoy! I'm right here!"

     "Rob, no. Something's..." Kid E squinted at his teammate.
"Something's wrong. He's obviously not in his right mind."

     Master Blaster sighed. "Fine, fine..." He started to turn away.

     "Yeah, it's not like you could anyway," sneered YNHMELad.

     He stopped in mid-turn. "ExCUSE me?"

     "You can screw with somebody innocent but you're not gonna use your
oh-so-great powers on someone who's asking for it?" You're-Not-Hitting-
Me-Hard-Enough Lad's canines were showing, glinting long and sharp.

     "Oh, well." Master Blaster nodded thoughtfully. "Let me think. You
know, I'm always shooting people with BIG GUNS..."

     "Pfft!" YNHMHELad said.

     "But I was created with the ability to bring forth ANY weapon!"
Master Blaster concentrated. In his hands formed an intercontinental
ballistic missile tipped with a nuclear warhead!

     "NO! Nonononono!" Kid E hopped up and down. "You're about to kind of
destroy all of Net.ropolis!!"

     Master Blaster thought for a moment. "You know, he's right. Hurting
you isn't worth destroying the city, is it?"

     You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad shrugged. "I suppose..."

     "All right, then..."

     "...that this is your way of wimping out."

     "...wimping out?" Master Blaster said.

     " oh god " said Kid Enthusiastic.

     Master Blaster lifted the entire missile in the air and shoved it
down You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad's throat. "@#$% YOU!"

     By coincidence, this was the code that activated the nuclear device.
YNHMHELad's stomach underwent a tactical atomic explosion.


    "Wow," said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, smoke flowing from
his orifices. "That actually hurt."

     Kid Enthusiastic looked at Master Blaster, disapproving yet kind of
impressed. "Happy now?"

     Master Blaster smiled.  "Right now? Yes. Yes, I am!"

                      --LNH--     --LNH--     --LNH--

      Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad and Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. helped
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad along the hallway as they made
their way to the LNHQ infirmary.

     "God," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, looking at YNHMHELad's
bloody mouth. "I've never seen you hurt this bad! I mean, you've fought
all kinds of villains and stuff -- people way more powerful than Master
Blaster -- and you've never been hurt this bad!  Are you sure you're

     "Yeah, it's no... big..." And then You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad's limbs went limp, his eyes rolling back into their sockets.

     The two net.heroes helped their friend to the floor. Ubiquitous Boy
Lad Jr. checked YNHMHELad's pulse, but couldn't find it. "Nothing. He's
dead. You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad is dead!  Master Blaster
killed him!"

     "My God! You're sure? He's dead?" said Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad,
staring at You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad's corpse with
disbelief. "He can't be-- wait! Look! Something is happening!" And
something *was* happening. The corpse began to shift -- changing into
something... *else*.

     "It's an alien! A Dorf! A Dorfian shapeshifter!" said Ubiquitous Boy
Lad Jr., voice filled with horror and relief.

     "So, wait," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, backing away from the
alien corpse.  "If that's not him -- then where is the real You're-Not-
Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad? And why do the Dorfs care about WikiBoy's
beaver tail?"

     Right on cue, as if from thin air, Doctor Stomper appeared.

     "Gah!" said Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr.

     "It's quite simple," Dr. Stomper explained. "This *is* the real
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad. Clearly, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-
Hard-Enough Lad has always been a Dorf. Why do you think he always
wanted people to hit him? Is that normal human behavior? Why, not at
all! But it's perfectly normal behavior for a Dorf!"

     "So Master Blaster killed the *real* You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-
Enough Lad?" UBLJr. asked.

     "Killed?" Doctor Stomper asked. "That's impossible! You're-Not-
Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad has a Wolverine-level healing factor! He's
never been hit hard enough that it's permanently hurt him!"

     "He *did* swallow a nuke," said Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad.

     "And he doesn't have a pulse!" Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. said.

     Doctor Stomper chuckled paternally. "You're forgetting that Dorf
physiology isn't the same as that of ordinary humans."  Doctor Stomper
stuck a finger down You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad's pants.

     "Doc!" Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad said. "Ew!"

     "It's okay," Doctor Stomper said, "I'm a doctor. Aha! A pulse! It's
faint but it's there!" He pulled out a moist towelette and swabbed his
hands. "You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad just needs time to

     "Well that's a relief!" Pulls-Paper-out-of-Hats Lad said. "I guess
there was nothing to worry about after--"

     Just then, Namer Boy walked in. His eyes bulged out cartoonishly.
"There's a Dorf in the cafeteria!"


                      --LNH--     --LNH--     --LNH--

     In a burst of blue-green light, Masterplan Lad fell through the air
into the bushes in front of the LNHQ. He spat out the leaves that
Domestic Lad had so carefully curated and stood up.

      A moment ago, he had been... elsewhen. The last thing he could
remember was standing at the edge of the universe [See Ultimate
Mercenary #7 -- Footnote Girl], but he had the telltale whiff of
Ottobindervitch displacement, meaning that he wouldn't remember what
he'd been doing until he caught up with the continuity. It didn't
matter, as the effect was clearly meant to keep this story simple, so
you didn't have to catch up with the whole convoluted Ultimate Mercenary
storyline (in which he had originally appeared) to read it.

      He looked up at the facade of the LNH's headquarters. It was subtly
but noticeably different from the last version he'd seen. His companions
were nowhere in sight, which left him disappointed but also relieved, as
at least it meant things might be a little bit less confusing this time.

      Heaving a sigh of frustration, he passed through the double doors
and saw a Japanese woman sitting behind the desk, hurriedly struggling
to get some paperwork done. This must be Kyoko Ishikawa. Though she was
plain enough by net.heroine standards, he found himself staring intently
at her and felt cold sweat on his forehead. Not this again. He'd been
distracted from it before by all the chaos he'd undergone. She looked up
and blinked. "Are you all right?"

     "I... I suppose so. Er, what year is it?" he asked.

     Kyoko groaned. "Not another time traveller! Ah, no offense."

     He sighed. "None taken. Believe me, if I had any choice, I would not
have gotten involved in any of this convoluted time travel nonsense. Is
there some sort of crisis going on?"

     "Not right now, but if you wait a few minutes... Anyway, are you
from the future?"

      "No, I'm already a member of the team, though I haven't been around
very much. I'm Masterplan Lad." He hoped she wouldn't remember who he
was, not to mention the fact that he'd accidentally destroyed the LNHQ.
[In one of the Infinite Leadership Crisis issues that Adrian swears he's
going to write someday -- Footnote Girl]

      "Wait, didn't you destroy the LNHQ?"

      "I... ah. Well. It was a very complicated situation. And
technically it wasn't me, it was the giant monster, which..."
Thankfully, he was interrupted by a shout coming from nearby:

      "There's a Dorf in the cafeteria!"

                      --LNH--     --LNH--     --LNH--

     "We used to be LNH members. Why can't we find the cafeteria?"
pondered Poignant Death Lass. "Maybe it's because we're more real now --
not just a one-off joke, meant only to die. We must struggle on our own

     "I bet it'd be easier to find if you called it the Old-Fashioned
Slop Trough," said Horrible Name Lad.

     "...of course, some of us must struggle harder than others..."

     Then from down the corridor and around the corner they heard a

     "There's a Dorf in the cafeteria!"

                      --LNH--     --LNH--     --LNH--

     "There's a Dorf in the cafeteria!" Namer Boy shouted again. Hearing
no response to his first two cries, he opened his mouth to shout once
more -- only to have a hand ending in five well-manicured fingertips
clamp down over his mouth.

     Namer Boy could not help but notice that the hand in question was
attached to an arm, which was in turn connected to a young woman, and
that the young woman -- Cynical Lass to her friends -- was not very

     "Why," Cynical Lass asked, "are you shouting right outside the door
to my room when I'm trying to sleep?"

     Namer Boy did his best to reply, though his efforts in this regard
were hindered by the continued presence of Cynical Lass' palm on his
face. She sighed, and removed her hand.

     "It's noon," Namer Boy said, rubbing his face.

     "Ah," Cynical Lass said. "And some vestigial roosterish part of you
insists on shouting every day at noon, is that it?"

     Namer Boy considered this. "There's an alien in the cafeteria."

     "I believe the government now refers to them as 'guest workers,'"
Cynical Lass said.

     "It's a Dorf," Namer Boy explained.

     "The Tim Conway character?"

     "A... glk... Dorf," Namer Boy continued, as Cynical Lass dragged him
by his shirt collar through the double doors of the cafeteria.

     There, a small semi-circle of super-heroes -- and Ubiquitous Boy Lad
Jr. -- stood around an unconscious You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad, who was receiving medical attention from Doctor Stomper.

     "Dorfs are vicious, brutish, thuglike monsters from a warrior planet
whose only interest is brawling with others like themselves," Namer Boy

     "You've just described two-thirds of everyone who ever declared
themselves to be a super-hero," Cynical Lass said. "Or haven't you
noticed that the moment someone acquires super-powers, they decide that
the best way to solve the world's problems is by rounding up everyone
who disagrees with them and punching them in the face."

     "You're forgetting about the shooting and the blowing up," said
Master Blaster, licking cheesecake from his fingers.

     "So what the hell happened here?" asked Cynical Lass, peering down
at the fallen hero.  "I've seen You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad
shrug off a broadside from a battleship. I've seen him wade through
rivers of lava in the path of an erupting volcano. I've seen him sit
through all two hours of the horror that is 'You Don't Mess With the
Zohan' without screaming.  What could possibly put him down?"

     "My best guess," Doctor Stomper said, without looking up, "is that
the nuclear device fed to him by Master Blaster reacted poorly with the
taco salad cheesecake he ate earlier. It's likely that since his powers
are geared towards absorbing kinetic energy, that he probably also has
radiation poisoning and burns. He'll also have lost all his gut flora,
so we'll also need to contact the Dorfs to get a sample of fecal matter
for a poop transplant."

     Cynical Lass looked at Master Blaster. "You nuked You're-Not-
Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, just because he's a Dorf?" she asked.

     "I nuked him because he's an @$$hole," Master Blaster corrected.
"If I'd known he was a Dorf, I would have used something stronger."

     Cynical Lass glanced from one masked face to another with a scowl
that was very nearly nunlike in its disapproval.

     "What is it about these Dorfs," she asked, "that makes them any
worse than all of the alien koalas, hamsters, bug people, giant
transforming robots and sentient shades of blue you people deal with on
a regular basis?"

     "That's simple," said a smooth, slightly metallic voice. Cynical
Lass turned to see the tall, armored shoulders of Irony Man filing the
entrance to the cafeteria.

     "We hate Dorfs because of what happened during the very first
mission of the LNH," Irony Man said.

      "Hang on. Time out," said Masterplan Lad, who had entered the
cafeteria just ahead of Cynical Lass, and had been waiting all this time
to get a word in edgewise. "I thought the LNH's first mission was going
up against Doctor Killfile."

     "Well, technically, yes," Doctor Stomper said. "Doctor Killfile was
the first threat faced by the Legion of Net.Heroes. But before they
adopted that distinctive cognomen... before they considered themselves a
group... the individual members of the LNH participated in... another

     "And that involved the Dorfs?" Cynical Lass asked.

     Doctor Stomper shook his head. "I did not yet have the privilege of
Legion membership at the time in question," he said. "Irony Man here
could tell you what happened."

     "Of course," Irony Man said. "If I remember correctly, it all went
something like this..."

                      ~~LNH~~     ~~LNH~~     ~~LNH~~

     "I can't believe we survived that!" Irony Man said, smoke pouring
from the tattered remains of his armor. "I swear -- on my mother's grave
-- I will never forget what happened this day, not for as long as I

                      ~~LNH~~     ~~LNH~~     ~~LNH~~

     "Good times," Irony Man said, wistfully.

     "That's IT?" asked Horrible Name Lad, who had entered the cafeteria
during the flashback. "That was both less informative and more
aggravating than the average employee at an Apple Genius bar."

     "You really don't remember anything else that happened?" Pulls-
Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad asked.

     "Of course I remember.  It's just that I don't happen to have the
memories with me at the moment," Irony Man said.

     "Come again?" asked Cynical Lass.

     "Do you remember every single number programmed into your cell
phone?" Irony Man asked.

     "I don't even remember how most of them got into my cell phone,"
Cynical Lass admitted.

     "And why should you?  Using technology to store those numbers frees
up your mind for more creative thoughts," Irony Man said. He tapped the
side of his helmet with one golden gauntlet. "That's why I constantly
download all of my memories into the servers on sub-basement levels 50
through 58.5. It allows me to live fully in the moment -- something
ascetics have been trying to achieve for thousands of years -- while at
the same time giving me the ability to revisit the memories of my
earlier days at any time I choose, with a clarity that is simply
unavailable to the average person."

     "You have eight and a half levels of Legion headquarters devoted to
storing your memories?" gasped Poignant Death Lass, who had followed
Horrible Name Lad into the cafeteria and was staring in wonder at the
many varieties of cheesecake on display. "Isn't... doesn't that strike
you as kind of a waste of space?"

     Irony Man shrugged. "I do own the building," he said.

     "Then that settles it," Cynical Lass said. "We'll all take a trip
down to subterranean memory lane and find out what Irony Man and the
rest of the Legion did in their first adventure."

     That Master Blaster chose that moment to stare at Cynical Lass was
hardly surprising. That he -- for the first time since she had made his
acquaintance -- was not staring at her chest caught her attention.

     "Why on earth would we do that?" he asked. "Believe me, nothing
good ever came from going into any of the sub-sub-basements. And
frankly... who cares what those guys did during their first adventure?
It's not like the Legion was even really the Legion before *I* came on

     "Well," Doctor Stomper said, "there is the fact that one of our
members has just turned out, quite unexpectedly, to be a member of a
vicious, shape-shifting alien species. Which means that other members of
the Legion could also be Dorfs... hidden, perhaps, even from

     "And we now know that the Dorfs were involved in the LNH's first
mission," Masterplan Lad said. "And that something terrible happened...
so terrible that the Legion still considers the Dorfs to be one of its
greatest adversaries."

     "Fine," said Master Blaster, folding his arms. "But I still don't
see why we have to go digging through Toony Stork's mental shoebox.
Couldn't we just ask somebody else who was along for the ride?"

     "You could ask Pocket Man. Or Rebel Yell," Namer Boy said.
"Assuming you could find them, of course."

     "Sounds like a job for List Lad," Ubiquitous Boy Lad, Jr. suggested.

     Irony Man snorted. "A job for List Lad? That's something that's
never been said in the entire recorded history of the LNH."

     "Oh, I don't know," said Painful Pun Person, entering the cafeteria
with a coffee cup in her hand. (First appearance! Collect them all!)
"I've been feeling a little listless myself, lately."

     "Besides, Irony Man, how would you know?" Cynical Lass asked. "Your
memory is in the basement."

     "Well, there you go," said Master Blaster, pausing briefly to leer
at Painful Pun Person.  "We'll just ask List Lad about this when he
arrives for the anniversary party tonight."

     "List Lad won't be here tonight," Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad said.

     "Really?" Irony Man asked. "Is there a list-related emergency going
on somewhere that none of us knows about?"

     "I have his letter right here," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad,
who, not surprisingly, removed the letter in question from his hat.

     "Top Five Reasons Why I Will Not Be Attending The LNH's 20th
Anniversary Party, Even Though Catalyst Lass Is a Smoking-Hot Babe,"
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad read. "Number 5: All tuxedos in town have
been rented in anticipation of RACCies ceremony that was supposed to
happen in March."

     "Oh, good," Poignant Death Lass said. "I was afraid we had missed
that.  Being dead and all."

     "Number 4: Afraid I'll be seated with some subgroup that has an
humiliating name."

     "You mean, like, 'The Incredibly Strange Former Super-Heroes Who
Stopped Working And Became Deadbeats?'" Horrible Name Lad suggested.

     "Number 3: Can't find a date, because Pullls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats-Lad
and wReamhack found a way to hack the Match.com and eHarmony Web sites.
Whoops," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, turning crimson.

     "I knew that story about groupies was too good to be true," Namer
Lad muttered.

     "Number 2: Afraid I might have a bad reaction to something I ate at
the reception."

     "You can say that again," muttered You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad, who had managed to sit up at last.

      "And the number one reason List Lad won't be attending tonight's
party," Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad continued. "Because of what Toony
Stork did to me and the woman we both loved during the LNH's very first

                      --LNH--     --LNH--     --LNH--

Next Week:  LNH vII #50 Part TWO!!!!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer 

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