LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #202: Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Eight

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun May 30 14:08:50 PDT 2021

You can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for the thirty eighth part of Beige 

Here's the first half of Beige Midnight #12 'The Last LNH Story'
by me (Arthur Spitzer).  Will this be it for our dear Legion of Net.
Heroes?  Will this be just a huge slaughter fest as Dekay and Diskolor
mow down our dear heroes?  Will the LNH have any use for the 'Waiting
for Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room' after this issue?

Find out some of that in...

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #202

                    Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Eight

Date: Tue Sep 25 20:58:51 PDT 2012

[There is a Variant Cover for each LNH'r, Villain, Wildcard, and 
Innocent Bystander that has ever appeared in an LNH story for this 
issue.  Be sure to buy them all!  The Bottom Text reads: 'It all ends 

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The place -- The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room

The time --

                    B     E     I     G     E

           M     I     D     N     I     G     H     T

The number --   T     W     E     L     V     E

The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer and Various

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

September 26th, 2012 --

The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room --

And the Ultimate Ninja watched Multi-Tasking Man refresh the 
rec.arts.comics.creative screen one more time as the clock hit Midnight. 
  And there it was.

Beige Midnight #12.

Multi-Tasking Man quickly clicked on the post.  And he began to read.

"What's it say?" said the Ultimate Ninja.  Sarcastic Lad thought about 
praising the Ultimate Ninja's literacy skill levels.

"Hmm.  Okay."  Multi-Tasking Man eyes skimmed their way to the 
beginning.  "September 26th, 2012.  The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 
to get posted Room.  And the Ultimate Ninja watched Multi-Tasking Man 
refresh the rec.arts.comics.creative screen one more time..."

"No, no!  Skip that part.  Go to something we aren't currently in!"

"Okay, okay!"  And Multi-Tasking Man scanned his way to the next part. 
And he began to read...

"Once upon a time..."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Once upon a time, there was a team of superheroes.  A team that fought 
the greatest evils almost every day.  A team that saved the weakest and 
the unluckiest every day.   A team that fought for Truth, Justice, and 
Cheesecake -- everyday.  A team that made the Net a safer and funner 
place.  A team that never ever turned down a member that had an absurdly 
long name -- never (Except for 
LNH-Membership-Turned-Down-Because-He-Had-An-Incredibly-Long-Name Man 
who is still incredibly bitter about that -- let me tell you).  A team 
that called itself the Legion of Net.Heroes.

Once upon a time, there was a great battle.  A final battle.  The Final 
Battle.  A battle between the LNH and two beings.  Two beings that had 
the power to do almost anything they could imagine -- and what they 
imagined was Decay. And what they imagined was Discolor.  And what they 
imagined was Death.  The Death of All.  The Death of Everything.  And 
they seemed so powerful -- so unstoppable -- that nothing could possibly 
beat them.  No one.  Not even the LNH.

And once upon a time, there was story...

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

                      'The Last LNH Story'

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

In a dingy studio apartment somewhere beyond the Fourth Wall --

A shadowy figure sipped from a Beige Midnight mug he had acquired from 
someplace.  And the shadowy figure looked at his watch.

"Well, looks like it's time.

"Time for the LNH -- to *Die*."

And he began typing.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

April 29, 2008 --
An Alternate Looniverse far, far away (But -- hey, let's call it 
Looniverse Beige) --
5:00 am --

The Ultimate Ninja stepped into the LNHHQ lobby and looked around.  And 
then he looked up.  He looked up at the Easily Discovered Van, which was 
hanging by a number of chains and cables from the ceiling right over the 
receptionist desk.

"I can explain!"  It was Fearless Leader who was holding a broom that he 
had been using to sweep all the liquor bottles, food, and togas.  He 
could see Tara Shreds (formally known as Ripping Dancer) also helping 
with the clean up.

The Ultimate Ninja kicked a beer bottle that was near him.  "Let me 
guess.  Toga Party.  Right?"

"Yes.  I uh I didn't think it would get this bad.  I really didn't."

"You!  Finally!  About time you came back!"  It was Self-Righteous 
Preacher walking towards them with his usual enraged face.  And for some 
reason his head was completely shaven.  And there was something else 
different, although the Ultimate Ninja wasn't quite sure what it was. 
The Preacher was carrying some big phonebook size stack of papers. 
"Here!" he said handing them to the Ninja.  "That's everything!  Every 
sordid depraved degenerated act that happened last night!  Everything! 
Everything is there!  I witnessed it all!  Every act!  Every godless 
wanton act!!  It's there!!!"

The Ultimate Ninja looked at the big stack of papers that the Preacher 
had handed him and then he looked back at the Preacher.  "Oh, you don't 
have any eyebrows."

"Don't you think I know that!!  What are you going to do about this?!!"

The Ultimate Ninja looked at the papers again and then using his ninja 
phonebook tearing abilities tore them in half.  And then he dumped the 
papers on the ground.  "I don't have time for this, Preacher."

"Time?!  Well then you better make time!!  Because if you don't I'll..." 
said the Preacher yelling very, very close to the Ninja's face.  Very, 
very close.

The Ultimate Ninja gazed right into the Preacher's eyes.  A very, very 
hard gaze.  "Why don't you shout in my face one more time.  Just one 
more time, Preacher."

The Preacher, as if some common sense was starting to creep back into 
his brain, quietly backed away from the Ninja.  And then walked away in 
a huff.  Muttering about people going to Hell.

Fearless Leader pushed the papers away from the Ninja's feet with his broom.

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "Forget that.  Leave that to Captain 
Cleanup.  We've got much bigger things to deal with today.  Much bigger."

"Right," said Fearless Leader putting the broom aside.  "How was the 
trip?  Find what you were looking for?"

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "No.  Guess it was a myth after all. 
  Nothing resembling a Four Color Ninja Bush.  What's the latest with 
the Bryttles?"

"They're awake.  Not doing much though.  Just sitting.  Sitting on their 
thrones.  Sitting and smiling.  Of course we were told by that servant 
of theirs that they wouldn't start attacking the LNH till noon came. 
Kid Kirby and Captain Continuity are on recon."

"Well, notify me if there is any change.  I think I'll do a few sessions 
in the Peril Room if no one is using it.  Should have time for that."


And suddenly the intercom.thingee blasted, <<And that was 'The End' by 
The Doors!  And as I, your Auto-asphyciatious Auto-DJ, rock you towards 
the ultimate death of the LNH -- let's groove to some R.E.M. 'It's the 
End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)...!>>

The Ultimate Ninja looked at wReamhack.

"I know, I know!  I'm taking care of it!  Taking care of it!" said 
wReamhack rushing to wrest control of the musical selections from the 

And in one of the corners of the lobby, Frat Boy finally woke up.  "Did 
I win?  Am I the Chugging Champ?"

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH Kitchen --

Cheesecake Eater Lad grabbed a big sack of Graham Cracker Crumbs and 
placed it on the counter top.  Part of him just wanted to crawl into bed 
and sleep the morning away.  The trip to Ninja Island to find the 
Four-Color Ninja Bush had been totally futile and exhausting.  He did 
get a little sleep on the way back, but not enough.

But he had a duty to his fellow LNH'rs.  LNH'rs who had gone 
Cheesecakeless the past few days left in the cuisine hands of 
Steak-And-Potatoes Man and Limp-Asparagus Lad.  He couldn't let them 
down.  If this were the last day -- at least they'd have a meal with 
cheesecake.  At least they'd have that much.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH Cafeteria --

Despite being filled with almost every member of the LNH that was still 
in Net.ropolis, a very silent atmosphere smothered the room.  There was 
no laughter, gossip trading, or food being flung around.  It was very quiet.

Some of the heroes were still nursing hangovers from last nights Toga 
party.  And some were completely sober.  There was occasional chatter. 
And some nervous laughter.  But not much.  Most of the LNH'rs were 
thinking.  Thinking about what was going to happen when Noon finally came.

It hadn't felt real last night.  Too much drinking, too much laughing, 
too much having fun.  Too much not thinking.  It was something that 
couldn't happen.  Would never happen.  But the night was over.  And it 
was today.

The heroes looked at their breakfast.  Would this be the last breakfast 
(whatever this beige slop they were eating was) they'd ever have -- as 
they poked it with their forks.  Some were sick of the waiting -- they 
just wanted the Bryttles to attack now -- and get it over with.  Some 
wondered about God -- about the afterlife.  Some wondered about whether 
they could still hop to the next Looniverse -- if that option was still 

And then there was a brief commotion.  Cannon Fodder was choking on 
something.  Toony Stork (not in his Irony Man suit) who had been sitting 
next to Catalyst Lass having breakfast quickly rushed over and gave 
Cannon Fodder the Heimlich Maneuver saving his life.  Afterwards Cannon 
Fodder thanked him and then everything went back where it had been.  The 
silence.  The thinking.

And some thought about Four-Color Kid's suggestion.  The one about suicide.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Ultimate Ninja looked down at all the dead corpses of his LNH 
teammates.  And then at his bloody Ginsu Katana.  And finally at his 
watch.  12 seconds.  Not his best showing.  "End Program."

The corpses and blood vanished.

The Ultimate Ninja looked at the emptiness of the Peril Room.  Would 
that be the last time he ever killed the LNH?

No.  Better not to think that way.  He made his way to the exit.  The 
doors slid open.

He could see Dr. Stomper walking towards him.

"Ah, UN!  Need to speak to you."


"I think I might have made some progress."

"What type of progress?"

"Well, I realized that I was thinking about this all wrong.  I was too 
obsessed with finding a way to stop the Bryttles and not thinking about 
the bigger picture.  When it gets down to it, we don't really stand a 
chance against the Bryttles -- they are way too formidable.  The odds of 
beating them are very, very much against us.  I could tell you the odds, 
but our chances are so absurdly minuscule it would be a pointless exercise."

"I'm sorry, Doctor -- but how exactly does knowing that we stand 
absolutely no chance in beating the Bryttles help us in anyway?"

"Ah, sorry.  I was getting to that.  Look, I have this idea that might 
give us a greater probability of success.  It's a machine.  But I'll 
need some help from my colleagues."


"From Kid Kirby, Particle Man, Captain Continuity, Pocket Man, and 
Fourth Wall Lass -- and possibly some others."

"Hmm.  Kirby and the Captain are currently doing surveillance, but if 
you need them..."  The Ultimate Ninja clicked on his comm.thingee. 
"Multi-Tasking Man?  Have Kirby and CC report to Stomper.  And get some 
people to replace them.  Competent People!  Oh and have Particle Man, 
Pocket Man, and Fourth Wall Lass report to Stomper too."  And then he 
looked at Dr. Stomper.  "Anything else?"

Dr. Stomper shook his head.  "No, that should be fine for now."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH TV Screen Room --

Various screens showed both Bryttle Brothers and the Beige Clock Tower 
from different viewpoints.  The Ultimate Ninja and Fearless Leader were 
gazing intently at the screens.  Waiting for something to happen.  Anything.

Fearless Leader saw someone on the screen walking up to Dekay's throne. 
  "It's Special Bonding Boy!  Why is he there?"

"It's all right," said the Ultimate Ninja.  "I gave him permission."

"You did what?  It's almost noon.  They'll kill him!"

"You're underestimating him.  He's battled some very powerful foes over 
the years.  He helped us take down 50 full powered Dvorakians on our 
trip back from Qwerty [See Beige Midnight #7 -- Footnote Girl].  Besides 
we can always teleport him away if it looks like they might hurt him."

"I don't like this."

The Ultimate Ninja didn't answer.  He just looked as Special Bonding Boy 
got closer and closer to the throne.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"And you -- what do you want -- little thing?"  It was voice of Dekay. 
And the voice made Special Bonding Boy feel nauseous.  Then again maybe 
it was the smell of all of the corpses that made up Dekay's body that 
was making him sick.  He felt like throwing up -- but fought the urge. 
Instead he looked up -- up at Dekay's face.  A face made up of a cloud 
of insects, worms, and maggots.  And the two red glowing eyes.  "Do you 
wish to make a deal with us -- little thing -- so you might survive 
today?  Is that what you desire?"

Special Bonding Boy shook his head.  "I don't want anything from you -- 
except friendship.  And I offer you my friendship in return."

Dekay paused as if he was trying to understand what this mortal being 
had said.  And then he laughed.  A cruel laugh.  "Why would we want your 
friendship -- little thing?  What possible use could we have for such a 
pathetic piece of nothingness like that?"

"Cuz we all need friends.  Everyone of us!  And the more friends we have 
the better we feel!"

"We need no one -- little thing.  The screams of horror as we lay waste 
to Universes is all that we really need.  That is enough."

"I don't believe that!  I sense a very deep sadness in you.  A sense of 
longing for something -- that you forgot a long time ago.  Killing all 
of the Universes won't sate this longing.  What happens when you've 
destroyed everything -- killed everyone?  What will you have left? 
You'll have nothing.  You need something more -- someone to love.  To 
love you.  A friend."

Dekay looked down at Special Bonding Boy with amusement.  "You do not 
understand us, little thing.  Perhaps a long time ago you were right -- 
that there was something more that we longed for beyond the decay and 
discolor of everything.  But that was so long ago -- so long that it 
might as well have never been.  No, the death of everything is all we 
need.  All we really need.  And on that day that we finally do destroy 
everything -- when all of reality is just a pile of dust -- on that day 
we can finally rest.  Rest forever."

And Special Bonding Boy turned his attention towards Diskolor.  "And 
what about you, Diskolor?  About my offer?"

Dekay laughed.  "He thinks exactly like I think.  Although he is 
wondering, which one of us will kill you.  Or perhaps we could take each 
of your arms and tear you like a wishbone.  Hmm -- that does sound like 
a good idea.  When it gets to noon we will do that.  Oh look -- it is 
almost noon.  I think -- yes -- I think maybe you should start running 
-= little thing.  Yes.  Run as fast as you can."  The smile seemed to 
disappear from Dekay's insect cloud of a face.  "Run."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

<<We've finished it.  The machine is finished!>>

The voice of Dr. Stomper was coming from the intercom.thingee.  The 
Ultimate Ninja looked up and said, "Right.  I'll be there in a few." 
And then he looked at the screen.  He could see Special Bonding Boy 
start to run and both Dekay and Diskolor were rising off their seats. 
"Multi-Tasking Man!  TP Special Bonding Boy!  TP him to..."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

And shadowy fingers stopped their typing.  And the Writer looked at the 
story on his computer screen.  This was the part where the Bryttles 
killed Special Bonding Boy right before Multi-Tasking Man can teleport 
him to safety.  Or maybe Special Bonding Boy doesn't die -- MTM 
teleports him to safety after the Bryttles tear off one of his arms. 
No, he needs to die -- for the story.  Special Bonding Boy needs to die 
so that the Writer can bring the RACCtre into the story.  The RACCtre 
will try and avenge Special Bonding Boy's death.  He'll battle both of 
the Bryttle Brothers, but ultimately they will destroy him.  And then 
the LNH will send all of the Kirbybots at the Bryttles.  And the 
Bryttles will snap their fingers and change the wiring in the Kirbybots 
so that the Kirbybots answer only to the Bryttles and then send them to 
attack the LNH.

And after that more death.  And more death.

Kid Kirby will battle Diskolor in the Sun.  And no one will know the 
outcome until Sing-Along Lass feels the Power Kirby rushing through her 
veins -- and knows that Kid Kirby is no more.  And Pocket Man will look 
at his dying wife -- Organic Lass -- and try desperately to find 
something -- anything in his pockets that can save her.  But the only 
thing he can find is a broken Alteganian Joy Jewel as he watches her die.

And more death and more death.

And finally only Cannon Fodder is still alive as the day gets closer and 
closer to Midnight.  And right before the Bryttles can kill him, he 
gives them a gift.  A cheesecake made by Cheesecake Eater Lad.  The last 
cheesecake he ever made.  A Looniverse Destroying Cheesecake.  And the 
Cheesecake destroys everything including Dekay and Diskolor.

And that's how Beige Midnight Ends.

And the Writer looked at his story.  Just kill Special Bonding Boy and 
get it over with.  Finish this damn thing.  Kill the LNH.

Why can't he just finish it?  Be finally done with the LNH.  He couldn't 
keep writing these stories forever.  It was time to move on.  Write 
something different.  Write something less silly -- less frivolous. 
Something that he could actually sell.

Kill Special Bonding Boy and move on with your life.

The Writer looked at his computer screen again and put his fingers near 
the keyboard.  But he couldn't seem to write anymore.  He looked at the 

Maybe a scene change?

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

And a strange looking machine began to appear in a parking lot.  An 
incredibly realistic looking parking lot.  And members of the LNH 
stepped out of the Machine.

"So, is this it?  Did we make it?" said Ultimate Ninja stepping off the 
Machine and onto the parking lot.

Fourth Wall Lass looked at the incredibly realistic rubber nipples on 
the Ultimate Ninja's costume and said, "Yeah.  I think we made it."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

End of Part I

Next Week:  Beige Midnight The Conclusion!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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