LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #201: Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Seven

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun May 23 16:00:14 PDT 2021

You can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for the thirty seventh part of Beige 

Here's LNH Comics Presents #509 'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!'
by me (Arthur Spitzer).  And we jump from the year 2008 to the far flung
future of 2012!  Will Beige Midnight #12 actually come tomorrow or will
you have to wait a week for it to actually come?  And we will really be
too sexy for our shirts, so sexy it hurts, on Looniverse Dave?

Find out some of that in...

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #201

                    Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Seven

      When the mad Dr. Killfile threatened to destroy the
Internet -- THEY answered the call!  Today, THEIR strange
and mighty powers are our last, best line of defense
against crime, disaster, and unspeakable horror!  THEY are
our knights in shining spandex... the LEGION OF NET.HEROES!

[Cover:  There is a huge billboard near the top of the cover.  On the 
bottom, several innocent bystanders run screaming away from the 
billboard trying to escape the cover.  Various cars also try to escape 
the cover.  The Billboard reads, 'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!']

September 25th, 2012 --

Traffic was bad.  Building Suspense Lad zoomed his way past cars and 
trucks on his motorcycle.  He had to get to the LNHHQ.  He watched tons 
of innocent bystanders panicking in the streets.  Various store windows 
were broken and people were looting stuff.  Building Suspense Lad 
thought about stopping the looters, but no -- he had to get to the 
LNHHQ.  He had to get there at all costs.

As he zoomed by the stuck traffic -- people who were trying there best 
to leave Net.ropolis, he saw the thing that had triggered this mass 
panic.  He saw the Billboard.  The billboards that were everywhere in 
the city.

Here it was.  The Legion of Net.Headquarters.  Building Suspense Lad 
zoomed his way across the front lawn and up the stairs.  The Glass 
Doors!  No time to wait for them to open.  And Building Suspense Lad 
crashed threw the plate glass door and zoomed past Fred the Receptionist 
(who was reading a magazine).

No Time!  No Time!  Got to get there!  Got to get there!

Get there Before it happens.  Before it is too late!

He had to get there because...


       ****                ****                ****


          'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!'

                      By Arthur Spitzer

       ****                ****                ****

<<Beige Midnight #12 is coming tomorrow.  Today and All day me and my 
panel of Super Experts will discuss what this means for you -- and how 
the LNH is to blame!>>  MacLaughlin Man gazed into the TV camera with a 
super serious expression.  <<Today!  On the MacLaughlin Man News Network!>>

The Ultimate Ninja watching from one of the many screens in the LNH TV 
screen room rolled his eyes.  "This Bozo has his own TV Network?  What 
is wrong with this world?"

<<But first,>> continued MacLaughlin Man.  <<I'd like to introduce our 
first guest -- you might not know him, but you definitely knew his 
father.  His father was a great man, a great writer, philosopher, a man 
of hope, of dreams, who battled with the forces of evil every day to 
make this world a better place, and won a Nobel Peace Prize for his 
efforts.  He appeared on this show numerous times and he was a very good 
friend of mine.  Alas he passed away before his time.  Murdered by that 
cowardly homicidal maniac who calls himself the Ultimate Ninja.  But he 
had a son.  And today I'd like to introduce his son.  The son of 
wReamicus Maximus.  I'd like you to give a big hand for -- wReamicus 
Maximus Jr.!!!>>  The TV audience clapped wildly and hooted and hollered 
as a young 20 somethingish man stepped onto the stage.

<<Thank you.  Thank you,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr.  <<For that very 
kind introduction.  My Father spoke very highly of you and I'm glad 
you've allowed me this forum to speak to the world.>>

The Ultimate Ninja stared at the screen and studied the body language of 
this wReamicus Maximus Jr.  "That's no son.  That's him.  That's 
wReamicus Maximus.  It has to be."

wReamhack did a fast search on the Net.  "Well, there are records for a 
wReamicus Maximus Jr. existing.  I've got a birth certificate here."

"I don't care -- It's him."

"Well, they could be fakes I suppose.  You think it's a clone?  Brain swap?"

"I don't know.  But it is him."

<<So, what about this Beige Midnight #12 coming out -- I guess it's 
supposed to be posted at exactly Midnight.  What is going to happen when 
it gets posted?>> asked MacLaughlin Man.

<<I'm afraid it will be the end,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. with a 
grim look on his face.

<<The end?>>

<<Yes, the end of everything.  After Midnight, two forces of destruction 
known as the Bryttle Brothers shall destroy all of creation.  Nothing 
can or will stop them.>>

<<I see.  These Bryttle Brothers -- they're members of the LNH I take it?>>


<<And there is no hope?>>

<<I didn't say that,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. with a smile on his 
face.  <<No, there is hope.  Hope for us all.  For I bring good news 
today.  And that news is that Dave doesn't want us to die a horrible, 
horrible ghastly very nasty, nasty death to the hands of the Bryttles. 
No, he doesn't.  No, Dave wants to save us.  Save each and everyone of 
us!  Yes, tonight at exactly Midnight the Hand of Dave shall scoop up 
every single person who believes in Dave and transport them all to -- 
Looniverse Dave!!>>

<<Looniverse Dave?  What's that?>>

<<It is a beautiful, magical place!  A place of wonder!  A place of 
rainbows!  A place where everyone is absurdly rich -- and everyone has a 
really big mansion and really big yacht.  A place where all food tastes 
great and is incredibly healthy!  A place where we are all great looking 
and all too sexy for our shirts -- so sexy it hurts!  A place where we 
have both great teeth and great hair!  A place where we are all stars of 
our own series -- series, which are all written by Dave himself!!  And 
we all live in perfect love and harmony with one another on Looniverse 

<<That sounds like a wonderful place.  And all you have to do to get 
there is believe in Dave?>>

<<Well, it's not that simple.  I mean anyone can say they believe in 
Dave -- but maybe they don't really mean it.  No, to truly believe in 
Dave there needs to be sacrifice.>>


<<Yes, sacrifice.  Specifically, a $58.50 donation to the Church of the 
Dvandom --  or you can send it to me -- wReamicus Maximus Jr. 
Whichever.  And with that donation, you can be assured that you will be 
scooped up at Midnight and escape the upcoming onslaught tomorrow!>>

"Unbelievable," said the Ultimate Ninja still watching the program. 
"Does he really think that there's anyone stupid enough to..."

"Say, UN," said wReamhack checking his wallet.  "Could I borrow 56 dollars?"

The Ultimate Ninja just stared at wReamhack.

"I mean it's not for that -- it's for something completely different. 
Yeah, different!  I was just wondering..."  The Ultimate Ninja continued 
to stare at wReamhack.  "Okay, okay.  I was just joking -- don't really 
need 56 bucks.  Hah, hah -- joke -- just a joke," gulped wReamhack as he 
sheepishly put away his wallet.

<<Wow.  Only $58.50?  That's quite a deal for the salvation of 
Looniverse Dave.  Still," continued MacLaughlin Man.  <<I have heard 
that the Church of Fourth Wall only charges $4 to become a member.>>

<<Hah!>> snorted wReamicus Maximus Jr.  <<Of course they only charge 4 
dollars.  They're a cult -- not a legitimate religion like the Church of 
the Dvandom.  Still, Dave sees nothing wrong with hedging your bets.  So 
if you want to donate $58.50 to the Church of the Dvandom and another $4 
to *ahem* that cult, be my guest.>>

<<But what about those poor souls who don't have $58.50?  What will 
become of them?>>

<<Ah, well not only can you donate for yourself -- you can also donate 
for others!  In fact you can give the Church of Dvandom as much money as 
you want and save these poor unfortunate souls.  I mean, heck, you could 
give your entire life savings if you wanted.  I mean it's not like it 
will be worth anything when the Bryttle Brothers destroy the entire 
Looniverse -- so you might as well give it all to the Church of the 
Dvandom!  In fact, let's bring out the orphans!>>

A MacLaughlin Man intern brought out a group of kids dressed in rags.

wReamicus Maximus Jr. gave the group a look of pity.  And then he looked 
into the camera.  <<Are you going to just let the Bryttles kill all of 
these poor tykes?  Or are you going to save them -- and help send them 
to Looniverse Dave where they can finally have snazzy clothes -- as well 
as loving parents!  It's up to you!  Donate now!  Save these kids! 
Let's put the number on the screen for people to call and donate money! 
  And let's save these kids!>>

"I can't watch anymore of this."  The Ultimate Ninja clicked off the TV. 
  "wReamhack, do what ever you can to make sure that all of the money 
goes back to the stupid morons who donated it."

"But -- what if he's right?"

The Ultimate Ninja stared again at wReamhack.

"Just kidding!  Just kidding!  I'll do my best!"  wReamhack averted his 
eyes from the Ninja's gaze and began hacking his way into the Church of 
Dvandom bank accounts.

       ****                ****                ****

The LNH Big Meeting Room --

"Okay, as we all know -- Beige Midnight #12 is going to be posted 
tomorrow," said the Ultimate Ninja looking at the various heroes in the 

"Yeah," said Bad Judgment Boy with a smug look.  "Like that's going to 
happen.  Man, I just bet my whole life's savings on that it doesn't get 
posted tomorrow!  Man, I'm going to be so rich tomorrow it won't be funny!"

"Anyway," said the Ultimate Ninja ignoring Bad Judgment Boy.  "What I'm 
asking is -- does this really matter?  Haven't we already dealt with this?"

"Well, technically we don't know what happened in Beige Midnight #12. 
So, anything could possibly happen," said Dr. Stomper wiping his eye 
glasses with his shirt.

"But it was set in 2008 and we're way past that!" said Ultimate Ninja. 
"It's 2012!"

"Actually," said Occultism Kid.  "That might not be true."

"What do you mean by that?"  The Ultimate Ninja looked straight at 
Occultism Kid.

"Well, back in Beige Midnight when I was doing that spell with the Book 
of Deus ex Machinas -- the Book told me some things.  And one of those 
things was that Beige Midnight might not all take place in 2008.  Some 
of it could possibly be set in years after 2008.  Maybe even this year."

"Why didn't you tell us about this?" asked the Ultimate Ninja.

"I was kind of hoping that the Book was lying.  After the Clocktower and 
the Bryttles disappeared and the color returned to the Looniverse, I 
figured maybe that was it.  I mean there's no way that the Bryttles 
could possibly slaughter all of those Looniverses.  No way.  It's just 
not possible.  It can't happen."

"Nothing is impossible," said Dr. Stomper.  "The Bryttles did have 
access to unimaginable power."

"So, it's possible that they could come tomorrow?" asked Ultimate Ninja.

Dr. Stomper nodded.  "It is within the realm of possibilities."

"Then we need to start preparing for that possibility.  Do we still have 
visual access to the Alternate Looniverse that's ahead of us in the 
Bryttle Buffer Zone [The Bryttle Buffer Zone is the countless Alternate 
Looniverses that exist between our Looniverse and the one that Occultism 
Kid stuck the Bryttles on -- Footnote Girl]?"  The Ultimate Ninja looked 
at Multi-Tasking Man.

Multi-Tasking Man shook his head.  "The feed to that Alternate 
Looniverse died back in 2008 -- guess I could try to see if I can get it 
hooked up again."

The Ultimate Ninja nodded.  "Do that.  We need to start calling in the 
reserves and whatever non-LNH heroes there are.  And possibly villains 
too.  Meeting Over."

       ****                ****                ****

Occultism Kid's room --

Occultism Kid gazed into a crystal ball he had.  He was watching some 
kid who was playing around on the internet.  He looked at the kid and 
then the vision vanished.  And the crystal ball was empty.

If the Bryttles had managed to destroy all those Looniverses -- all of 
those LNH's -- nothing this LNH could do could possibly stop them. 
Nothing.  This Looniverse was doomed.  Except there was one thing -- one 
person -- one kid that could stop them.  The Book of Deus ex Machinas 
had showed him this kid.  This kid named Frank C. Kerry.  All that was 
needed was a Freedom Chip.  A Freedom Chip to be put in his brain.  And 
that would give the kid powers.  Powers that would finally destroy the 
Bryttle Brothers.  Destroy them once and for all.  The Book of Deus ex 
Machinas had showed him this.  Of course the kid woudn't survive the use 
of powers.  He'd be dead too.

Occultism Kid had created the vast Bryttle Buffer Zone as an alternative 
to killing the kid.  That was supposed to stop the Bryttles from 
destroying this Looniverse.  But what if it hadn't worked?  What if they 
were coming tomorrow?

The image of the kid reappeared in crystal ball.  And if the Bryttles 
came tomorrow -- he would have no choice.  The kid would have to die.

Occultism Kid looked away from the crystal ball.

No choice.

       ****                ****                ****

Fearless Leader's Room --

Fearless Leader had stopped by his room for a few things.  It was going 
to be another long night from the looks of it.

Damn it.  Beige Midnight.

Why did they have to deal with this again?

He had tried his best to erase that period away from his mind.  To 
forget about it all.  And now it was all coming back.  All the damn 

All of them.

He looked at his desk drawer.  And he opened it up.  There was a photo. 
  He looked at the photo.  It was a photo of Ripping Dancer and himself 
fighting Vampire Cows [See LNH vII #24 for more vampire cow action -- 
Footnote Girl].

He looked at that photo for what seemed forever.


His finger lightly brushed the photo.

And then put the photo back in a very gentle manner.  And he shut the 
desk drawer.

No time to think about the past.  Got work to do.

Need to get ready for whatever happens.

When Midnight comes.

       ****                ****                ****

The Big Screen Room --

The Ultimate Ninja looked at Big Screen on the wall.  On the screen was 
a costumed supervillain -- wearing armor all over his body and a 
greenish cloak and outfit over the armor.  Even though an iron mask 
covered the face of this villain, he could sense a smile.

"Well, the Ultimate Ninja!  What do I owe this pleasure?" said the man 
known to the world as -- Mr. Homage.

"Homage," said the Ultimate Ninja with absolute contempt in his voice. 
"As you may have heard -- it is possible that the Bryttle Brothers will 
be coming tomorrow..."

"Yes, I've heard the news reports.  And I take you want my help?"  There 
was glee in Mr. Homage's voice.  "You want me to perhaps loan you some 
of my East Coast Brotherhood of Net.Villains members for this great 
battle?  Well, sure -- I could do that -- well, for a cost of course..."

"Of course.  And that is?"

"Well, let's see here.  I'm not going to be greedy.  Just a little 
thing.  A very little thing.  In fact -- this could be very favorable 
for the LNH.  You know how expensive it is for the LNH to fight crime 
outside of the Loonited States.  Very costly.  Here's what I'm offering 
you -- you can have all of my members for this fight and here's all I 
ask.  I want free reign for the Brotherhood outside of the Loonited 
States -- no interference by the LNH (or LNH affiliated teams like LNH 
Europe) for any Brotherhood activity outside the States.  Of course if 
my members commit crimes in the States then -- please feel free to jail 
them.  But free reign outside everywhere else."

The Ultimate Ninja snorted.  "That will happen -- in your dreams, 
Homage.  But never while I'm in charge of the LNH.  Try again."

"Well, I thought we were going to be reasonable here.  But if you're 
going to dismiss my best offer..."

"Well, I guess that ends that.  End Trans--"

"Hmm.  Wait -- you're not going tell me your offer?"

"I don't see the point.  Since we already made a deal with Lagneto -- we 
probably don't need your Brotherhood anyway.  End..."

"Wait!  Lagneto?  He made a deal with you?"

"Yes.  And it's a shame -- was planning on offering you a better deal -- 
since I always preferred you to Lagneto.  Oh well."


"End Transmission."  And the Big Screen went black.

"We made a deal with Lagneto?" asked Cheesecake Eater Lad with a shocked 
look on his face.

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "Not yet.  He's our next contact 
though.  Bring him on screen."

       ****                ****                ****

The LNH Med Lab --

Building Suspense Lad opened his eyes.  Where was he?  He sat up and 
winced in pain.

"Easy there Champ!" said Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner with a big needle in his 
hand.  "You need to rest."

"What happened?"

"You slammed your motorcycle into one of the walls while riding like a 
maniac through the LNHHQ hallways.  Genius move that.  Anyway, you got 
various injuries -- none too serious -- and went into a slight coma -- 
which it looks like you're out of."

And then Building Suspense Lad remembered something.  "Wait.  What time 
is it?"

"Hmm?  Oh."  Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner looked at his watch.  "About five 
till Midnight -- give or take."

"No!  I'm too late."  Building Suspense Lad hopped out of his bed.  "Got 
to get there -- get there before -- before..."

"You know -- you probably shouldn't be doing that," warned Dr. 
Bad-Bedside-Manner.  "But hey -- what do I know?"

Ignoring him, Building Suspense Lad ran out into the hallway.

Got to get there...

       ****                ****                ****

Building Suspense Lad made his way to a door.  And he tried to open it. 
  Locked!  Why did it have to be locked?  He tried to open it again. 
Still locked!  And then he began pounding on the door.  "Someone! 
Anyone!  Open this door!!"

And the door opened.  "Hey there, Building Suspense Lad!" said the LNH'r 
known as Leaping Nacho Hurter who was munching on some nachos.  "What's 
up?"  Standing next to him was the LNH'r known as Goggles Guy who was 
just kind of standing around.

Building Suspense Lad looked at the room.  It was filled with LNH'rs. 
And all the seats were filled.  He was too late.  Much too late!  There 
were no more seats.  He would have to stand.  Damn, thought Building 
Suspense Lad to himself, I hate standing!

And all of the heroes in the room were looking at Multi-Tasking Man who 
was repeatedly hitting the reload button to refresh both 
rec.arts.comics.creative and alt.comics.lnh (as well as doing various 
other tasks such as Nachocize, seeing how many LNH dice he could stack 
on each other before they collapsed (so far he was up to 58), printing 
out a copy of 'Cheesecake Midnight' (which now had the title '50 Shades 
of Cheesecake'), and playing Net.Trek).

The Ultimate Ninja stood behind Multi-Tasking Man with his Ginsu Katana 
in one hand and a Ninja Bush in the other hand.  And he gazed intently 
at the screen that showed all of the most recent posts for 
rec.arts.comics.creative and alt.comics.lnh.  And he waited.

And they all waited.  They waited for it to come.

They all held their breath waiting -- and waiting.

And the clock near the ceiling got closer and closer to Midnight.

They waited for the last issue as the seconds ticked away.

The last issue of Beige Midnight.

Beige Midnight #12.

       ****                ****                ****

To be continued in --

                   Beige Midnight #12
                  'The Last LNH Story'


       ****                ****                ****

Thanks to Saxon and Andrew for their comments on the LNH Authors Group...


Intro - Rob Rogers

Building Suspense Lad - Arthur Spitzer
MacLaughlin Man  - wReam
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
wReamicus Maximus Jr.  - Arthur Spitzer (inspired by the wReam creation)
wReamhack - wReam
Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Dr. Stomper - T.M. Neeck
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner - The Tick
Leaping Nacho Hurter - Arthur Spitzer & Wil Alambre
Goggles Guy - Arthur Spitzer & Wil Alambre

Writer's Notes:

Did you think that just because Beige Midnight was supposed to end way 
back in 2008 that because there have been a number of stories set after 
2008 -- that the LNH was safe?  That there was no possible way that 
Beige Midnight could possibly end the LNH once and for all?  Did you? 
Did you!?  Well, then guess again.

Because tomorrow it comes!  Beige Midnight #12!!  The Last LNH Story!!!!!

Or this all could just be a glorified hype post for an issue that 
doesn't actually end the LNH.

As for whether wReamicus Maximus Jr. is actually the son of wReamicus 
Maximus or maybe is actually a younger version of wReamicus Maximus, 
I'll leave that to others to decide.

wReamicus Maximus Jr is Free For Use so do what thou wilt.

Arthur "Glorified..." Spitzer

Next Week:  Beige Midnight Part XXXVIII!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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