LNH: Easily-Discovered Man #58
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun May 9 19:45:44 PDT 2021
On 5/9/21 10:40 AM, EDMLite wrote:
> Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore
> Wong gained the ability to glow and be detected
> at great distances by anyone with a Geiger counter.
> Forced to retire, Wong has left former sidekick Lite
> to continue his battle against the forces of corruption,
> chaos and common sense, and to carry on the legacy of
> the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN.
FUCK YEAH HE HAS!
> Blount reluctantly agrees to restore Lite’s lost memory --
> but warns him that the experience, much like Facebook, will cause
> him to relive the events of his past while being powerless to change
> Decorum requires that we point out that because this story takes
> place as part of a long-since concluded cross-over (Beige Countdown)
> its events are set in the year 2007. What might our characters be
> doing if they lived in the current golden age of peace and prosperity
> that is 2021? Let’s pause for just a moment to answer that question...
heeheheehee yeah :D
> “You’re still on mute,” she noted.
> “Right,” I sighed, clicking on the part of my screen that showed
> a little red icon with a crossed-out microphone -- a symbol that,
> a little over a year and a half ago, I would only have associated
> with people who really, really didn’t like Larry King.
> “I mean that there’s this worldwide crisis, which half the
> population has responded to by putting on masks and behaving
> as well, heroes, in order to protect others,” she said. “The
> other half has cited actual ideals like liberty and individual
> rights in order to selfishly run around doing whatever they
> want, just like a comic book villain would do.”
hahahaha oh god it's true @-@
> “Now hold on a minute,” said the onscreen image of a tiny
> cartoon astronaut with Substitute Lad’s voice.
> “Sorry. When I put this on,” I said, taking out a small
> cotton mask with the letters “DON’T PANIC” emblazoned across
> the front, “I’m not doing it because I’m a hero. I’m not even
> really doing it to protect other people, although that’s what I
> always tell them. I’m doing it because I’m scared. And those
> people on the other side, the ones without the masks… if they
> were being honest, they’d say they were doing what they’re doing
> because they’re scared, too.”
Mmmmmm. Yeah, it's true. @.@
> “Good,” said Cynical Lass. “A world in which people
> like Alex Jones don’t deserve to be continually punched in
> the face is a world I don’t want to live in.”
> “But there’s more to being a hero than wearing a mask,”
> I said, looking down at the glowing Easily-Discovered Man mask
> in my hand. “There’s got to be.”
Dun dun dunnnn....
> In case you’re wondering, time travel within your own
> lifespan is a lot like the state of Net.braska, in that once
> you’ve gone through it you realize why more people don’t. Parts
> of it are, of course, almost achingly beautiful, but there are
> many, many other parts that make you wince, and the whole process
> is both long and frustrating enough to leave you with a gnawing,
> numbing sense of regret, especially if you have stopped at more
> than one Cracker Barrel along the way.
I love these metaphors, holy heck
> If you don’t believe me (and here I’m talking about time
> travel, and not Net.braska, which through the efforts of the
> U.S. legacy air carriers is only marginally more difficult to visit
> than the distant past)
> think about the last time one of your
> favorite social media sites decided to remind you of
> something that happened several years ago. “Remember
> this?” it said, below a picture of you with a truly
> regrettable haircut, or in the throes of a passionate
> relationship with someone whose departure would later lead
> to six months’ worth of hard drinking and bad poetry, or
> with a former best friend you haven’t spoken to since the
> last decent Star Wars film, or wearing a Coldplay shirt.
I've stopped using Facebook, but I still use Tumblr, which does the same thing
by occasionally bringing inane fandom discourse from 2011 back up.
> already had a pretty good idea who had killed the Waffle Queen,
> and how. What I couldn’t figure out was why.
The police had found
> her body, dressed for a night on the town, in the dining room of
> her apartment. The table was set for two, and none of her guards
> were around.
> finding some unusual blood patterns on her dining room mirror,
> the investigators came to the not unreasonable conclusion that
> someone with the ability to control reflective surfaces -- a
> profile that unfortunately fit my friend Aurora Jones, the Screen
> Saver -- had committed the murder [as told in Easily-Discovered Man
> #50 -- Footnote Girl]. And since the Waffle Queen had pretty
> publicly screwed over Aurora with one of her schemes, it wasn’t
> long before they’d issued a warrant for her arrest.
Oh wow. I forgot all these details. X3
> She was expecting
> something else that night -- she’d literally let her guard
> down, had dressed up and made herself vulnerable in a way I’d
> never seen her (and I’d even gone on a triple date with her,
> on an especially weird evening I usually chose not to remember)
> [way back in Easily-Discovered Man #25 -- Footnote Girl].
I love that issue. X3
> Whoever had attacked her,whoever had killed was someone she
> trusted completely, someone she had looked forward to seeing.
> Aurora didn’t fit the picture, and neither did my prime suspect.
> Much like the modern
> Republican party, I’d recently been forced to acknowledge that the
> past I thought I remembered wasn’t really what had happened at all.
Have they, tho @-@
> In my case, I thought Easily-Discovered Man and I had ended up back
> in the great city of Net.ropolis just after we helped bring down a
> dimension of pure, middle-management evil called the Pocket
> Bureaucracy (which means the Prof and I had wandered about being
> confused and making jokes while Sig.Lad and his friends did all
> the actual down-bringing) [in Easily-Discovered Man #10 --
> Footnote Girl].
heeheehee :3 I love that issue too!
> In actual fact, the explosion that destroyed the Pocket
> Bureaucracy had sent us hurtling through space and time to Mount
> Roosevelt, Ohio -- which makes sense, since Mount Roosevelt is
> the kind of Midwestern small town that could cause Time itself
> to stop, look around, and wonder what in the world it was doing
> with its life.
> He --
> me -- mostly stood gawping at the unnaturally fresh air, the smell
> of fresh, wet clover and the total lack of garbage, graffiti or
> any other perfectly natural signs of urban decay in the
> bucolic scene before us.
> My sixteen-year-old self had a lot to learn.
> “Prof?” he/I said. “I don’t think we’re in Kan.sys any…
> Actually, I take that back. It’s entirely possible we might be in
> “Unlikely, my stalwart supporter in the never-ending battle
> against crime and injustice,” Easily-Discovered Man said.
> “Behold yonder hills of verdant green -- a topographic detail one
> does not readily encounter on the Great Plains.”
I love how he talks.
> She was sitting -- I swear I am not making this up -- on a
> bale of hay, dressed in a plaid button-down shirt and the kind
> of denim cutoff shorts my dad referred to as “Daisy Dukes.” My
> eighteen-year-old self immediately recognized her as a younger
> version of the woman who would someday become the Waffle Queen.
Holy shit. :o
> My sixteen-year-old self didn’t know any of this, of course.
> My sixteen-year-old self, I realized to my growing horror, thought
> she was kind of cute.
X3 <3 <3 <3
> That got her attention. “You’re Easily-Discovered Man?
> _The_… Oh, Dad is going to want to hear about this,” she said,
> pushing herself off the bale of hay, landing gracefully, and
> then sprinting in the direction of a large white clapboard farmhouse.
...oh no I just remembered who her dad is @-@;;;;
> And doesn’t something about that girl seem familiar?”
> “Now that you mention it,” the Prof said, “I do see
> something of a young Shirley Temple about her.”
> For after all it was just moments ago, as you
> and I reckon, that you and I were trapped in a dying universe,
> doing battle with that most resourceful of reprobates, the
> dread Deathstocker, whose power allowed him to requisition
> any article or armament he might need in order to vanquish his…”
> “And who appears to be walking towards us with the girl
> we just met,” I said, as the villain in question and the girl who
> was most probably his daughter strode toward us across the field.
> “Well, well,” he said, folding his arms over his chest, with
> the girl -- his daughter -- grinning by his side. “Easily-Discovered
> Man and Easily-Discovered Man Lite, after all these years.
> I truly believed you had been destroyed, along with everyone
> and everything I’d ever known.”
> “About that…” I began, but he cut me off by throwing his
> arms around both of us in a hug.
> “It’s so good to see you at last,” Deathstocker said, in a
> voice rich with emotion. “Welcome home.”
!!!! :o :o :o :D :D :D <3 <3 <3
this is rad!!!!!!!
> NEXT ISSUE: Is it wrong to have a crush on your
> Is it wrong to believe the past can be changed
> when you know it’s impossible?
> Is it wrong to hope that the next
> episode might be published before another year goes by?
NEV-- well, I hope not.
> SPECIAL THANKS: To Perry and Graham for recommending that I
> get back to this and to Apocalypso for inspiration.
Awwwww. :> <3 <3 <3 Thanks guys!
Drew "eeeeeeeeee <3" Nilium
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