LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #43: "43 Incredibly Obscure Facts About Death and Resurrection That Will Blow Your Mind"
pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Jun 10 21:39:09 PDT 2021
HUNGRY, HUNGRY SABERTOOTHS!
Issue #43: "43 Incredibly Obscure Facts About Death and Resurrection That Will
Blow Your Mind"
A tale of liquid metal and iron fists
Content warning: Weird cyborg-y body horror ahead!
Obscure Trivia Lad did not like this one bit. No sir.
Obscure Trivia Lad had not been having too bad of a lockdown. As a former flesh-
and-blood human uploaded into a shapeshifting liquid metal android body, he was
immune to the virus and unappetizing to sabertooths ("saber-toothed tigers"
being a misnomer, as the sabertooth was far less closely related to any modern
cat than a modern-day tiger is to a housecat, or even a caracal). While he
didn't have the combat skills needed to patrol the grounds, he was able to sub
in for the receptionist, fielding questions and concerns from the few brave
souls willing to mask up and enter the LNHQ.
But Obscure Trivia Lad had to leave that post when reports came in of strange
subterranean rumblings below Net.ropolis. Surely, some net.villain was trying
to bypass the Super Quarantine Field surrounding the city (the word "quarantine"
coming from "quarantena", 14th-century Venetian for "forty days")!
And Obscure Trivia Lad had found that net.villain, the new Doctor Killfile!
Unfortunately, she had somehow taken control of his aforementioned android
body, and used it to distract Obscure Trivia Lad's friend and ally, Captain
Continuity, while she shot him with her deadly Kill-O-Ray. He would likely get
better - Obscure Trivia Lad had died and come back three times so far - but it
was still dreadfully unnerving.
And now Obscure Trivia Lad was being marched around like a puppet (Japanese
bunraku puppet theater having been combined with shamisen music in the 1680s,
creating its modern form). It turned out the bad Doctor had a giant drill-
machine that had been causing the rumbling, but some mysterious signal from
outside had put it on automatic control, driving it across the city and joining
it with some other machine.
Dr. Killfile steepled her hands. "My curiosity is piqued." She stood up from
the drill's console and snapped her fingers. "Come."
Obscure Trivia Lad's body followed obediently (the mind-controlling hypnotist
Svengali having come from the 1894 novel Trilby, whose theatrical adaptations
inspired the trilby hat). "When Obscure Trivia Lad breaks free from this,
you'll be sorry!" he said, attempting to shake his fist at her and completely
Dr. Killfile didn't even look back. "If, not when." She climbed up a maintenance
ladder within the deeper structure of the machine, leading Obscure Trivia Lad
up, up, up, until they must have been fifty feet or more off the ground.
Finally, they reached a hatch, and she pushed it open, climbing into some sort
of cockpit (the earliest meaning of "cockpit" having been "a pit for
Two people's voices were audible, along with a broadcast of some kind of net.
villain rant. After a moment, Obscure Trivia Lad recognized them:
Toony Stork, the former Irony Man, LNH member since before the Cosmic Plot
Device Caper, pilot for the Legion's tsk.force program, currently retired or so
Obscure Trivia Lad had thought: "My god, he's summoning *more* giant monsters!"
Merissa, young net.heroine, living computer virus, bass player for the Cool
Name Band, had actually beaten the Ultimate Ninja in single combat and was
definitely egotistical about it: "Great Queen Merissakaiser Z can take 'em!
Especially with this team of huge heroes!"
The villainous voice, however, had more to declare: "When that little machine
reaches the apex of the Super Quarantine Field, it will release a serum infused
with ultra-nega-energy! Instead of curing the sabertooth virus, it will
supercharge it, turning everyone in Net.ropolis into a sabertooth tiger -
Toony gasped! Merissa gasped! Obscure Trivia Lad gasped!
Dr. Killfile said, "I see."
Merissa and Toony spun around. "Doctor Killfile!" Merissa tried to grab her
obnoxiously large gun, but it was stuck in the robot's control panel.
Dr. Killfile gave them a casual wave. "No need to worry about me - this is
where I get off." She grabbed Obscure Trivia Lad's costume by the front and
smacked a hatch with her gauntleted fist. It opened in a torrent of wind,
sucking both her and Obscure Trivia Lad out of the robot!!
As Obscure Trivia Lad began to fall, panic was replaced by horror as he felt
his body shifting, stretching unnervingly, distending into an enormous flat
triangle; the wind filled him, and Dr. Killfile hang-glided down, away from the
robots, toward two figures sitting in the grass, with a third lying nearby
(traditional ninja lore having them fly to their targets on oversized kites in
Dr. Killfile let go just before she landed, and Obscure Trivia Lad fell to the
ground in a heap of silvery goo. "Excuse me," she said to the twosome, who
turned around and revealed themselves to be Doctor Stomper (the LNH's
pseudoscience expert, got his master's in education before moving on to a Ph.D.
in impossible physics) and Sister State-the-Obvious (member of the Legion since
late 1992, abiding interest in classic Frank Capra movies).
Both of them exclaimed, "Doctor Killfile!"
Dr. Killfile tilted her head in acknowledgment, then raised a gauntlet, charging
its Kill-O-Ray with a high-pitched whine, pointing it at Dr. Stomper's face.
"Doctor Stomper. You're reputed to be the best at explaining things. Could you
explain who the primaries in the giant monster battle are? Not the giant monster
battle happening around LNHQ, the other one happening in the park."
Dr. Stomper squinted at her. "...'she'?"
Dr. Killfile squinted back. "...I'm sorry, did you not hear me?"
Obscure Trivia Lad found himself reformed, but trapped in his human skin, a
silent observer. Well... this could certainly be worse, right (once he had been
trapped in a time loop playing the same game of Jenga for a week)?
Dr. Stomper snapped out of it. "Oh, um, yes. The giant metal kiwi with the
giant metal sock on his head is UltraKiwi Wondersock. He seems to be an energy
being of some sort, who was possessing Multi-Tasking Man." Here he indicated
the figure lying in the grass, who did indeed seem to be Obscure Trivia Lad's
teammate Multi-Tasking Man (coordinator of the Legion, travels in time to visit
alternate-future granddaughter Taskani on the holidays). "The other giant kiwis
are UltraKiwi and UltraSixpi, his sister and father, respectively. One of those
giant robots belongs to the Ultimate Ninja, I think, certainly a new development
there, and the other one--"
Dr. Killfile interrupted. "Thank you, that's quite enough." The gauntlet stopped
charging, tho a quiet hum told of the power it had accumulated. She gestured,
and Obscure Trivia Lad walked in front of her. "I believe I can solve this
problem - and return your explanation with one of my own. My good deed for the
Sister State-the-Obvious said, "You're not known for good deeds."
Dr. Killfile chuckled drily. "No, I'm not. But I do enjoy talking while I work."
Obscure Trivia Lad felt her hands on his back, and could not gasp, could not
stiffen, as his flesh dimpled, her hands sinking into the liquid metal,
displacing the heart and lungs that should've been there, finding strange
mechanisms in their place, twisting and fiddling, making him feel alien
sensations, compelling, terrifying. He searched for a random piece of knowledge
to connect it to - came back with nothing.
And Dr. Killfile worked away without paying it any attention. "Of course I know
you've been wondering, how did our friend Obscure Trivia Lad come back to life,
after his heroic self-sacrifice against Hexadecimal Luthor?" She looked over
his shoulder. "It was me. No need for thank-you cards, your horrified gasps are
Dr. Stomper and Sister State-the-Obvious gasped in horror! Obscure Trivia Lad's
mind blazed with helpless shock, feeling like his feet were going to slip out
from under him even as they were rooted in place.
Dr. Killfile's hands moved around within Obscure Trivia Lad; he shivered
internally as she used him like a puppet, like a pair of gloves, like a treasure
chest. "As you may recall, Obscure Trivia Lad's body was once powered by a piece
of the Cosmic Plot Device. It's designed for channeling cosmic energy. And...
ah, here it is."
Within Obscure Trivia Lad's body, Dr. Killfile grabbed onto something, and
there was a visceral, dizzying lurch as she pushed it forward, through his
chest, his skin peeling away to reveal a six-sided shape, paneled in grids of
color, glowing from within, connected to the rest of his body by silvery liquid
A sudden flash of light - an energy blast reflecting off a protective shield!
Multi-Tasking Man was awake, tho still lying on the ground, and had fired a
miniature blaster.thingee at Dr. Killfile. "You're not killing Obscure Trivia
Dr. Killfile chuckled. "You're correct, I'm not." She tilted her head in
thought. "Well, we'll see how it goes, but certainly not intentionally."
Obscure Trivia Lad groaned inwardly, feeling lightheaded, like he and his body
were two planets orbiting around a glowing cubical sun.
Multi-Tasking Man fired again, but once more it flashed off Dr. Killfile's
shield. "You can save your ammunition," she said, gripping the strange object
and twisting it, making one side rotate, changing the grid of colors; every
rotation made an old memory flash in Obscure Trivia Lad's mind, some trivial,
some so important he had forgotten them utterly. "You see, the Kubrik's Kubes
were once themselves channels for a powerful cosmic force. No longer, of course,
but if you know how, you can set them to passively collect cosmic energy. That's
what's running your friend's body, so if you could please stop trying to attack
me, we can move on."
Multi-Tasking Man slumped and put the blaster away and watched helplessly.
Dr. Killfile rotated the sides of the Kube, lining up colored squares, her
hands sliding under Obscure Trivia Lad's skin. "I came to Mister Homage, when
he was building his Brotherhood, and gave him the plan to steal Obscure Trivia
Lad's body and resurrect him. He was only interested in a spy. I mostly wanted
to see if I could do it. But..." There was a click, and the Kubrik's Kube lit
up, every facet a single blazing color, thrumming thru his veins. "I knew I
that having a great store of cosmic energy at hand... well, it would have its
Obscure Trivia Lad felt his body move, rotating around until he was facing the
giant monster battle. Disorienting wrongness, his sense of sense stretching to
the limit, as Dr. Killfile pushed the Kube further out of this body.
She leaned in, whispering in his ear. "If it's any comfort, channeling this
much energy is certainly going to break the control devices I installed in you.
And you'll probably survive."
A shiver passed thru every mechanical cell of Obscure Trivia Lad's body, as
beams of light shot out of the Kube, racing thru the air and hitting UltraKiwi
and UltraSixpi. And then the beams widened, and Obscure Trivia Lad was a piece
of an electric relay, lighting sizzling thru him...
Obscure Trivia Lad's vision turned the national auto racing color of Italy and
he passed out.
Drew "let me know if I got any of that trivia wrong" Nilium
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