LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths #49: "The Big Bandshell Battle"

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Dec 13 21:02:06 PST 2021

On 12/13/21 11:11 PM, Jeanne Morningstar wrote:
> There were three men came out of the West
> Their fortunes for to try
> And these three men made a solemn vow:
> John Barleycorn must die


> "The Big Bandshell Battle"
> A long-awaited climax (hee hee hee) by Jeanne Morningstar


> They were all waiting, in absolute silence, for the end.
> The silence was broken by Thematically Important Emotional Music Lass,
> who put on some Ennio Morricone.

X3 I love her

> "Ah man," whispered Cannon Fodder. "This whole setup, with this like,
> weird fusion being, possessed by a cosmic force... is anyone else
> reminded of DeFacto V?"

Ooooooh, yeah, definitely an influence.

> WikiBoy, whose mind was linked to the LNH Wiki, tried to explain X Post
> Facto but couldn't, as he was still a mastodon.

X3 <3 <3 <3

> I
> wonder how many funerals we're gonna have when this is over."
> "Zero," said Merissa. "Because I'll--"
> Kid Occultism Kid shook their head. "This is not the time. The balance
> of the narrative is delicate. If you try and intervene now--"
> "I'll win! Because I'm the most important and awesome person ever!"
> Cannon Fodder put his hand on her shoulder and held her back. "Kid, I've
> been around a while, and I know--sometimes being awesome isn't enough."

It's true. @. at v

> They looked at Poignant Death Lass, who was staring off into the
> distance, and saying nothing.

ohhhhhh daaaaamn that's good

> "Wait, you?" said Halls Jordan. "But--you don't even have any powers--"
> "Doesn't matter. You have powers, and you get your ass kicked all the
> time. Sorry, it's true."

X3 It definitely is.

> "No, it does make sense," said Occultism Kid. "Out of everyone in the
> LNH you are one of the ones who possesses the strongest levels of Heroic
> Determination. In spite of your lack of powers, you are one of the ones
> most able to defeat him.

You know, she does have that kind of Badass Normal energy.

> Merissa thrust forward from the crowd. "No!" she shouted. "It has to be 
> me! Obviously I'm the only one awesome enough to defeat him!" She 
> pointed her gun into the air for effect.
> "Nah, see, you've still got your life ahead of me.

I mean, you just got a spiffy new power-up *and* mentor.

> "No. Not you too." Merissa started crying and Token Girl hugged her and
> stroked her hair.

Awh, after the thing, that's important ;-;

> "Excuse me?" said DeltaKiwi Megantereon. "Don't we have a battle to fight?"


> "Shhhh," said Enthusiasm, "have to leave room for drama," and then
> vooped out of existence.


> "Bye, Merissa. Bye, Halls. Bye, Cliche. Bye, Cat." Token Girl walked up
> to Catalyst Lass and hugged her tight. "In case I don't make it back...
> I just wanted to say... It's been real. I am glad for every moment I
> spent with you. Also... you can have all the Rumiko Takahashi stuff,
> Merissa gets all the Dragon Ball, Fairy Princess Lad can have the
> Ghibli, Victoria and Alice can have the Dirty Pair and Utena, Halls gets
> the oldschool mecha anime stuff and the terrible hentai, and Sarcastic
> Lad gets the godawful Manga Entertainment dubs. And... Ultimate Ninja
> gets Tenchi. You know why. All the other anime and manga, you get to
> pick who keeps it. And... you can have Totoro. I trust you to take good
> care of them. OK?"
> "I don't think it'll come to that," said Cat. "I mean, I was hoping to
> watch Maison Ikkoku, but i want to do it with you." She punched her on
> the shoulder gently. "Knock 'em dead, tiger."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;;;-;;;

> "Hey, I'm not one of the tigers," said Tara.

> "Mm," said Sister
> State-the-Obvious. "This looks bad..."

I love her

> Through it all, Hooded Hood'win was watching, floating off in the
> sidelines as usual. She remembered the last time Token Girl was here in
> the Bandshell, in the days of the RACCelestial Madonna Pageant [Retcon
> Hour again], and her legendary drinking contest with the Chuggernaut.
> She had an idea.
> "She Who Must Know Hoo'd Win summons the contention... between Token
> Girl and DeltaKiwi Megantereon... in a drinking contest!"

YEAH!!! :D :D :D

> "I'll bring the wine," said a quiet but resonant voice from the
> audience. He was a very old deadfaced man--"old" was not adequate to
> describe him; he was like the human equivalent of food that had been
> left in the fridge for too long--

Holy shit. X3

> He looked like
> someone who had seen better days, and had also seen worse days, who had
> really seen a lot of days, more than anyone should have ever seen. But
> he still had the power to still the crowd with a word--or to stir it up
> to destruction. He was a god.


> "You're... Bacchus. Of the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade," said Token Girl.


> "Oh yes I do. This isn't just a drinking contest, you see. It's a
> *cosmically important* drinking contest. And while I'm the kind of god
> who makes fun of the idea of the idea of cosmic importance, I'm still a
> god. So I'll bring the wine."

yesssssss :3

> "A good old vintage. Chateau Olympus 1184
> BCE, brewed back when Achilles was sulking in Troy. If you believe that
> story."


> "As for me, I'll just have some
> whiskey while I watch this."
> "Keeping it simple. I approve," said DeltaKiwi Megantereon.

Heeheehee :D

> Token Girl and DeltaKiwi Megantereon both looked uneasily at the wine
> bottles. For one thing, Token Girl, at least, was usually a beer
> drinker. (DeltaKiwi Megantereon hadn't been in existence long enough to
> think about this yet.)


> They took the glasses and raised them to their lips. Quite how DeltaKiwi
> Megantereon did this without a face wasn't clear, but he did.

X3 That's how he do!

> Maybe it was the fact that the bizarre gestalt that was the avatar of a
> hostile cosmic being didn't respect the LNH's strange combination of
> comedy and drama to make it work for him. Maybe it was the fact that
> Token Girl had once won a drinking battle at this specific location.
> Maybe it was the old battle-manga cliche that DeltaKiwi Megantereon was
> only fighting for himself but Token Girl was fighting for her friends
> and people she loved. Maybe it was the specific fact that, while Token
> Girl was generally a beer drinker, Catalyst Lass was a wine drinker and
> Token Girl knew better how to drink wine from all the time spent with
> her. Or maybe Token Girl really was was just able to hold her alcoh ol
> better.
> Whatever it was, the titanic cosmically powered tiger-centaur toppled
> like the Tower of Babel, threw up on his shoes and passed out.

HELL YEAH!!!! <3 <3 <3

> Token
> Girl stood above him. "Woooo!" she shouted drunkenly, waving her fist in
> the air. "Delta Force Megatron, suck it dowwwwn!"

Yesssssss X3

> "Awesome!" said Token Girl. She stared out blankly past the crowd.
> "Wait... why is everything so...purple? I... I can see forever..."
> And then she collapsed and fell to the stage, dead.


> They've ploughed, they've sown, they've harrowed him in
> Threw clods upon his head
> And these three men made a solemn vow:
> John Barleycorn was dead

:D :D :D

Drew "the sea shanty trend was one of the especially odd parts of the pandemic"

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