LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #168: Beige Midnight Part Four
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Sep 13 14:18:54 PDT 2020
You can sift through the racc list archive
https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for the fourth part of Beige Midnight.
Here's the first third of issue #2 -- 'The Dungeons of Freedom, by myself,
Arthur Spitzer and also Saxon Brenton who returns! The Bicycle Liberation Front
is still in the Mideast thinking about whether they should bother with the whole
Al-Qaeda Amerika mission -- but can they deal with the first appearance of --
TWITTER (still in her young innocent stage as opposed to the World Destroying
Stage she seems to be now days)? And Ripping Dancer and her team of villains
are having some difficulty with Irony Man and his Freedom Chippers! But will
Irony Man's Team be prepared for -- THREAD BEAR (yeah, probably)? And will we
find out this issue if Hex Luthor has an entire desk drawer filled with cans of
mushrooms (Yes! We Will!! And no there will probably never come a time when
we know why he has a drawer filled with cans of mushrooms! NEVER!!!)?
And now...
_
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #168
=====================
Beige Midnight Part Four
=====================
From: Arthur Spitzer <arsp... at earthlink.net>
Subject: LNH: Beige Midnight #2: Imperium Hex Part II: 'The Dungeons of Freedom...!'
(1/3)
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:33:29 +0000 (UTC)
[Cover: Ripping Dancer, The RobGoblin, The Chuggernaut, Vector Sublime,
and Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit are bound to a dungeon wall in chains with
Irony Man looking at them with a bunch of keys dangling from his hand.
A dialogue balloon out of Irony Man's mouth says, 'Hah! Ripping Dancer!
It looks like your LNV failed! You're all defeated!!' Ripping Dancer
replies with her dialogue balloon, 'No, Irony Man. You haven't defeated
all of us. You still have to deal with -- THREAD BEAR!!' In big bold
letters at the bottom of the cover is, 'FINALLY! THREAD BEAR UNBOUND!!!!']
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The place -- Hex Luthor's Secret Prison.
The time --
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
The number -- T W O
The Writers -- Arthur Spitzer and Saxon Brenton
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Two Freedom Chip Heroes were walking down the hallway when one of them
said, "So. You see him? Guy in a bear suit?"
The other one said, "Nah. Why we even chasing this clown? From what
I've heard he's like the lamest supervillain ever. Even the lamest
superheroes like So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story
Lad have no problem kicking his ass. This is a waste of time. My
gramma could probably beat him!"
"Hah! Yeah. Mine too. But Irony Man said we had to get this guy.
Guess that's what we have to do."
"Man, this bites."
"Yeah. Come on. Let's try this way."
The two Freedom Chip Heroes walked away from view.
And up above the ceiling in a ventilation shaft was the man that they
were looking for. A man in a bear suit. A man with a vest and belt
loaded with thread spools. A man called -- Thread Bear.
Lame, am I? Is that what the world thinks? I guess so. I guess that's
why I won the Lamest Villain in the Whole Looniverse Award eight years
in a row. I guess everyone thinks I'm lame. But they don't know one
thing. They don't know about the Rage.
The Rage inside me.
A Rage that has been building up since Kindergarten. When I got my
first beating. For being lame. And every year it's gotten bigger.
And now it's so damn big -- it's going to -- Blow.
Yes.
You thought bringing down The RobGoblin, The Chuggernaut, Vector
Sublime, Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit, and Ripping Dancer would be enough.
And maybe it would have. But you didn't count on my Rage. That was
your mistake.
And now it's almost too late. My Rage is almost ready to break free.
Nothing can stop it.
I almost feel sorry you. Because my Rage shows no mercy. No mercy at
all. And there's nowhere to hide from it. It is all consuming. All
engulfing. All Raging.
Pray to your Gods. Pray to them hard. For my Rage is coming.
It is coming!
I can't stop it!
It's Coming!
It's COMING!!!!
IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
Thread Bear let out an enormous growl that shook the whole shaft. The
Bear in him took over. His muscles rippled under his bear suit and he
grabbed the vent thingee with all of his strength. All of his Thread
Bear strength.
And he pulled. And he pulled.
And the vent thingee didn't move.
Damn, it's stuck tight.
Give it one more try.
He pulled again. And pulled again. And he then he heard a crack.
Oh God! MY back! My back!!! Oh, Bear Jesus!! Sweet Bear Jesus!! Oh,
God! I really hurt it! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Well, then. Maybe I should just stay here for a bit, thought Thread
Bear to himself.
Oh my back!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
IMPERIUM HEX PART II
'The Dungeons of Freedom...!'
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Several minutes before...
Irony Man's hands blasted irony at the ceiling. Before Ripping Dancer
and Thread Bear could do anything chained nets supercharged with irony
fell on them pinning them to the floor.
"Like that? Call them 'Freedom Chains'. My own personal invention.
Each chain link has the word 'Freedom' on it. Neat, huh." Irony Man
turned around so he could talk to his squad of Freedom Chip Heroes.
"Okay, people. I want you to spread out. Make sure to fight only your
specialized targets and avoid the rest. Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass?
Stay here and guard these two. I need to..." Before he could
continue with that thought he spotted a rapidly speeding red
metal-suited person flying straight towards him. Irony Man quickly
ducked and grabbed a hold of the person's metal leg and sped with them.
The rest of the Freedom Chip Heroes left to go find their specialized
targets.
Though the chains held Ripping Dancer tightly to the ground she could
still slightly move under it. Using what limited movements she did
possess she tried some floor break-dancing moves. The moves were enough
to tear a big hole in the net for her to escape. Freed from the net she
twirled some more dance moves to free Thread Bear.
"Thread Bear! Run! Warn the others! I'll deal with this -- umm --
hmm. What was your name again?"
A mopey looking girl wearing plain looking clothes hit the play button
on the boom box she was holding while Thread Bear ran off to catch up
with the others. Music started to play. "Name? Oh, it's not
important. Not really. It's just a name. A stupid name. Just like
everything else in life. Nothing's really important. Not really."
"That music you're playing -- it's -- what is it? It sounds so dark and
depressing -- it's... Oh god." Memories started to flood through
Ripping Dancer's brain. Horrible memories. Every stupid mistake she
had ever made. They were all coming back. "That music!" she said as
she collapsed to the ground.
"This music? Oh, it's just music. Music that no one can dance to. No
one. Not even you, Ripping Dancer. Not even you."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Half the World Away...
Morning arrived, and Anal-Retentive-Archive Kid was paging through
information on his laptop while the others were gathering in the hanger
bay in preparation for departure. "Whatcha got here?" asked the
Net.Elementalist.
"I grabbed all the intel the Legion has access to on the Al-Qaeda
Amerika group."
"Er," went the Net.Elementalist, "You do remember that namechecking them
was just the pretence to get us where we need to go, don't you?"
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid gave him an arch look. "Yes, so? You do
realise we *will* end up having a run in with these jokers, don't you?"
"Now you're just being cynical."
"Pfftt. Irony Man's power is subtle, and more importantly it doesn't
need to be consciously activated. He sent us to the Middle-East to
fight Al-Qaeda Amerika, and regardless of whether or not he knows that's
where we wanted to go for our own reasons, he's effectively ensured
that's what we'll have to do along the way."
The other three had been listening to this. Now Fourth Wall Lass added,
"Actually, fighting villains is in our interest." The guys all looked
at her in surprise. She sighed and patiently explained what should have
been obvious. "If we're going to acquire a plot device to bring down
Luthor, we can't just waltz over and grab it. In narrative terms we
have to work through the whole Quest storyline setup in order to earn
the right in order to use it. Otherwise it'll blow up in our faces or
just plain not work or something."
The Net.Elementalist and Anal-Retentive Archive Kid traded glances.
During the Infinite Leadership Crisis Fourth-Wall Lass had boosted her
powers in an attempt to solve the mystery of the disappearing leaders.
However, a consequence of that was - moreso than ever before - she
tended to look on events as patterns of story and narrative causality.
Of course, the Looniverse was a fictional universe, so it *was* patterns
of story. The problem was that these days it seemed that Fourth Wall
Lass tended to treat it like it was *ONLY* patterns of story. That
could be a bit off-putting.
Still, it was a tactically useful viewpoint even if strategically it was
worryingly narrow. So the Net.Elementalist said, "I guess there'll be
other obstacles, then." Fourth Wall Lass nodded.
"Three is the classic pattern," agreed ARAK. "No, sorry; *a* classic
pattern. There are other significant numbers." He frowned. "Oh gods, I
hope it's not a hundred and eight."
"What?" asked Lenny.
"It's from Buddhism. It's the number of sins someone has to overcome in
their lifetime," ARAK said distractedly. He shook his head. "Not
important right now."
"So what have we got on our little friends in Al-Qaeda Amerika?" asked
Retcon Lad, pushing the discussion back on topic.
"Either surprisingly a lot or surprisingly little," ARAK said. "It
depends on whether you consider them to be a military style black ops
team which needs to rely on secrecy in order to maintain its operational
flexibility. Or whether they should be treated like a supervillain team
with distinct costumes and codenames and a habit of expositing their
origin stories."
"How about why a team like them, being originally assigned to cause
trouble in the Usenetted States, has been recalled to Afgha.net.stan?"
asked Retcon Lad.
"Possibly because the 'soft and decadent' coalition troops in
Afgha.net.stan were doing better than Bin Laden's boys had expected,"
mused ARAK. "That said, they are explicitly based on the way that
ubermensch agents provocateurs were deployed by Hitler in the various
four-colour versions of world war 2. Once they've been set loose they
should have as much mobility as any other high powered or well supplied
super team."
There was a rush of movement and suddenly another Legionnaire was
standing with them at the base of the flight.thingie. "Hi, I was hoping
I wouldn't be too late, You're the guys who are heading off to tackle
Al-Qaeda Amerika, aren't you?, I'm Twitter by the way," she said.
"Uh," went Retcon Lad in surprise. He looked at the others, who all
seemed as nonplussed as he was - except for Fourth Wall Lass, who just
shrugged and said, "Plot complication," as if that explained everything.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back in America...
A rip of light cut through reality. Catalyst Lass slipped through it.
She looked around the room. The Oval Office. No one around. So far so
good. She walked over to the desk and took a tool out of her pocket.
It was a skeleton key designed by Contraption Man to unlock any lock.
She slid it through one of the desk drawer keyholes and she heard a
click. She opened the drawer.
She hadn't been quite sure of what to expect, but she prepared herself
for the worst. The most horrible and disturbing things she could
fathom. But of all the things she had ever imagined, she would have
never imagined what she saw in the drawer. It was beyond the scope of
imagination, these things she saw. She just looked at the drawer for a
minute or two. And then she reached into it.
Cans! And not just any cans. Cans of -- Mushrooms! A drawer filled
with nothing but small cans of mushrooms. She took a can out to inspect
it closer. They were cheap-generic brand mushrooms. Why did Hex Luthor
have a drawer full of cheap-generic brand mushrooms? You'd think he
could at least splurge for some expensive fancy mushrooms in glass jars.
But no. Just cans of cheap mushrooms. A drawer full of them. What
did Hex do with these mushrooms? Eat them for snacks? Weird.
Catalyst Lass decided to see what was in the rest of the drawers. She
opened the drawer below the mushroom drawer.
Let's see here. A pair of black socks. A spoon and can opener. Must
be for the mushrooms. And a CD. Wow! A WHAM! CD! 'If You Were
There... The Best of Wham!' Catalyst Lass looked through the list of
songs. Hmm -- where's 'Careless Whisper'? How can you have a Best of
Wham! compilation and not include their best song? It doesn't make
sense, thought Catalyst Lass shaking her head. She put the CD down and
thumbed through the rest of the drawers contents. A Magazine! With
pictures of naked women riding bicycles! Catalyst Lass studied the
magazine closely. 'Naked Bicycle Enthusiast Monthly' Hex, Hex, Hex,
thought Catalyst Lass smirking to herself. She thumbed through the
pages. Now those breasts are obviously fake. That looks rather
uncomfortable right there. Wait that face, she thought flipping to a
new page. That face. Didn't she go to high school with that girl?
Yes! Of course! That has to be Linda Lou! That has to be! Well. She
looks like she's in good shape.
"What the *Hell* are you doing!!?"
Catalyst Lass's heart briefly stopped and the magazine fell from her
hands. "Oh! Hex! Hi! You startled me!" she said turning around.
"What are you doing here?" Hex didn't look amused.
Catalyst Lass shook her head. "Now you've ruined the surprise! And it
was going to be a big surprise -- but now it's all ruined."
"Surprise?"
"Yes! For your birthday, silly! Now you've gone and ruined it. The
Ultimate Ninja sent me here to sneak into your office and get some
device. Some cosmicy device. He was going to have it all polished up
and wrapped for you as a gift at this big birthday bash we're having for
you. Hmm. I've got an idea! Why not give me this cosmicy thingee muh
jiggie and when you get to the party you can act surprised!"
"No. I don't think so. There isn't going to be any surprise birthday
party. And this device the Ultimate Ninja wants you to find is -- it's
not here. Whatever it is. Now. You are forbidden from ever entering
this room again. And you will tell me whatever plans the Ultimate Ninja
has, do you understand?"
Catalyst Lass nodded her head.
"Good. Now leave here."
Hex Luthor escorted Catalyst Lass out and slammed the Oval Office doors
shut. He walked over back to his desk and grabbed the 'Naked Bicycle
Enthusiast Monthly' magazine and shoved it back into the drawer. Hex
Luthor's face was filled with rage.
wReamicus Maximus! While Hex had expected that wReamicus and the rest
of the HexFire Club members would have eventually made a move against
him -- he just hadn't expected it this soon. But how did wReamicus find
out about the Cosmic Plot Device? The Device! He rushed over towards
the Abraham Lincoln painting and quickly took it off revealing the safe
where he kept the device.
Hex opened the safe and saw that the Cosmic Plot Device was still in
there. He would have to move it to a safer location. But where? He'd
have to think about it. Hopefully, it would be safe here tonight.
And wReamicus -- what was he going to do about him? Hire an assassin?
Maybe replace him with another Ultimate Ninja clone? Damn. This was
the last thing he needed. Too much was happening. He'd take care of
this tomorrow. He had a dinner meeting he needed to go to. He put the
Abraham Lincoln painting back in its place. Hopefully it would be safe
here at least for one night.
He buttoned his suit jacket up and made his way for the West Wing.
With the Oval Office empty a shadow next to the President's desk started
to move. It kind of looked like Catalyst Lass's shadow, but it slowly
shifted its shape and looked more like another person's shadow. The
shadow slipped its way beneath the Abraham Lincoln painting.
And outside the White House, Catalyst Lass held her watch next to her
mouth and spoke to the watch.
"Phase One: Complete."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back at the Secret Prison...
Man, this job sucks, thought the Chuggernaut to himself. Why did he
ever accept this stupid LNV gig? He should be at some bar picking up
chicks or watching baseball. He needed a beer. Yeah! He looked at his
mystical beer bottle that he used to summon his beer commercial powers.
He could drink from it, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't real. Just
a part of the Beer Commercial Zone. He needed a real beer from the real
world. Need to stop thinking about beer and do your job. Where was he
anyways? All these damn prison cell areas looked the same. Man, this
was stupid. Was he lost? Damn. Where the hell was everyone? He
should have stuck with the RobGoblin. Hell. This wasn't doing any
good. Maybe there was something in the Beer Commercial Zone that could
help him.
Just as he was about to slam his beer against the wall, he heard a voice
shouting to him.
"Stop! Villain!"
The Chuggernaut smiled. Some idiot wanted a fight? He'd oblige. He
turned around to see who he was about to beat to a pulp. And to his
amazement he saw a gigantic beer bottle about the size of a very tall
person standing in the hallway. The bottle had arms and legs like a human.
"This? Oh, this is rich! This is what they sent to stop me? You? A
walking beer bottle? Oh man! I must be dreaming! You know who I am?
DO You know who I AM? Well. Let me introduce myself. I'm the
Chuggernaut! Yeah! The Chuggernaut! And do you know what I do? Well,
hell -- Why don't I just show you?" He grabbed the walking beer bottle
by its neck and morphing one of his hands into a bottle opener he popped
the cap right off the bottle. And then he picked the entire bottle up
and turned it upside down. A frothy brew poured down right into the
Chuggernaut's mouth.
And then the expression on the Chuggernaut's face changed. A horrified
looked popped into his eyes. He threw the bottle away from himself and
collapsed to the floor. "No!" he said hacking and coughing, "No!
You're not -- you're not... Uhhhhgggg -- Poisoned. Poison me! You -- you!"
"No, not poison. I guess you didn't read my label. My name is The
Living Non-Alcoholic Beer! And really, I don't taste that bad, do I?
Honestly?"
The Chuggernaut didn't answer. Instead he reverted back to his
powerless human form of professional wino Paul Tremens totally
unconscious to the world around him.
"My girlfriend says I taste good. I mean, she wouldn't lie, would she?
Chuggernaut?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Ready to eat floor -- DorkWad!!?"
A rather nerdy looking man that looked a bit like a Neal Adam's drawing
carrying around a book called 'Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body' turned
around to see what uncultured individual was speaking to him. It was
some kind of horrible anatomically incorrect abomination on a hovering
glider. Some beast with a long ponytail and a cyborg left eye holding a
very large gun with its right arm. "I dare say, sir -- How is it that
such tiny feet like yours are able to balance the massive bulk of your
body with its massive thighs and massive man breasts and massive gun --
it doesn't make sense -- and am I correct in saying that both of your
feet are left feet?"
"Feet?!!" The RobGoblin looked down. The RobGoblin had never really
liked looking at his feet and fortunately for the most part his feet
usually were hidden outside the confines of the panel. But he looked
down and there they were. His tiny ridiculous looking feet. How was he
able to maintain balance on this glider? And the moment he started
thinking about it he lost control over the glider and both crashed right
into the wall.
A look of Extreme Constipation flashed on the RobGoblin's face. "All
right, Geekboy!! You're going to pay for that!! Big Time!!!" The
RobGoblin quickly grabbed one of his Bludkins and prepared to throw it
at the nerdy guy with the book.
But before he could, the nerdy guy with the book spoke again. "How are
you going throw that at me if you have no elbow? And your arm doesn't
look like it should move anyway -- all the muscles are in the wrong
places. And your hand? How do you pick up stuff with that hand? It
doesn't look like it should work. In fact none of your body parts look
like they should actually move. Your neck. Your shoulders. Your legs.
How exactly have you existed for so long like this? You must have led
a really painful life."
The Bludkin that RobGoblin was holding exploded in his hand. The
RobGoblin tried to move his neck, but it wouldn't move. Nor would his
arm. Nothing would move. Not a single body part. The nerdy guy was
right. It didn't make sense. How had he existed like this?
"You see right here," said the nerdy guy as he flipped through his book,
"This is how the human body is supposed to appear. See? See the feet?
How the human body has a left foot and a right foot? You understand?
Oh btw -- My name is -- Anatomy Lesson Lad. If you want I can give
you the web address where you can buy this book."
The RobGoblin didn't say anything as he continued to strain to move his
body parts -- but they wouldn't move. If he had been capable of more
than one facial expression, he might have wept with anguish at that
point. But since he wasn't he did the one facial expression he was
capable of...
....Extreme Constipation.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Vector Sublime landed near a cell door. A music only she could hear was
coming from it. As she reached for the door handle, she hesitated.
What was behind this door? And why couldn't she resist it? But her
curiosity over came her caution and she pulled the handle. Behind the
door, she saw a man sitting on a waterbed. A man with shades, greased
hair, a leather jacket over a white T-shirt, and a stethoscope around
his neck.
"Who are you?" Vector Sublime asked.
"The Doctor. Doctor Virus Love. And I've got the cure, Baby. The cure
for what ails lonely little viruses like yourself. Right here," he said
slapping his bed with his right hand. Fingers on his left hand snapped
and candles lit up, the room darkened, and the jukebox in the corner of
the prison cell started playing Marvin Gaye's 'Let's Get It On'. "So
come on, Baby. No virus can resist Dr. Virus Love. No virus."
"Resist," Vector Sublime said as if the idea amused her. "And why would
any virus want to resist -- Doctor Virus Love?" She then jumped right
into Doctor Virus Love's arms and grabbed his head with her hand and
placed her lips against his as the two of them fell down on Dr. Virus
Love's big waterbed. Dr. Virus Love snapped his fingers again and the
prison door closed.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Irony Man dodged several energy blasts from the red metal suited person
he was still holding onto. The two crashed into one of the prison walls
and started to fight each other.
"Ah, been along time Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit. Which one are you? Boris,
Ivan...?"
"Nyet! Natasha, you Imperialist Gigolo!"
"Ah! Tasha! My favorite one! Well, hell -- why don't we just skip
this whole fight scene and get a bite to eat -- I know this great
Russian Restaurant in Net.ropolis -- it's along Bartels Boulevard. I
think you'll like it, Tasha."
"Nyet! I will not fall for the whole Capitalistic Dinner-And-A-Movie
ploy again!!" she said blasting more energy at Irony Man.
"Really? A shame. You must be desperate these days, Tasha -- working
for an evil capitalist like Mynabird. How the mighty have fallen.
What's he paying you? I could pay you more. Name your price."
"You filthy pig!! How dare you!! I do not work for Mynabird's money!!
He has promised me -- and those like me a return to greatness! When
we take over the world, we shall turn Russia and all of its former parts
back into the Soviet Union!! I'd like to see you make a better deal
Toony Stork!"
"I'll admit that Mynabird offers quite a bit. Not sure how he's going
to deliver all these promises he's been making though. But if it's the
old Soviet Empire you want -- I think I might have something you'll
love. Follow me." Irony Man blasted off the floor and rocketed through
the hallways.
"Wait! You coward!" said Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit as she tried to follow him.
Was this where he was headed, she thought to herself as she stopped in
one of the hallways? She looked around and saw an open door. She
walked into the dark prison cell and turned on the lights.
Irony Man was standing in the middle of a room draped with old Soviet
Union flags. Various portraits were hung on the walls depicting leaders
like Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, and Brezhnev.
"What is this place?" she said slightly shocked by it all.
"Like it? Wait till you check out the ceiling." Irony Man then shot
the ceiling with huge blasts of Irony as he slipped into a secret panel
along the wall. Ten tons of Karl Marx's book 'Das Kapital' fell down on
Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit burying her alive.
"We were prepared for you, Tasha. All of you. You lost this battle the
moment you stepped into this prison. You should have gone with
Dinner-And-A-Movie, Tasha. Oh well. Live and Learn."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part I
==========
Next Week: Beige Midnight Part V!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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