LNH: WikiLull: Pre-Final Epilogue, AKA President Evil #6: A-Pack-O-Lies Now [2/2]

[Drew Nilium]

On 10/31/20 8:37 PM, Jeanne Morningstar wrote:
> He grabbed ahold of his book--which I realized was what he was channeling his 
> power through, just like Masterplan Lad had his umbrella--

Oh nice.

> But then Masterplan Lad stretched out his umbrella and, in a 
> burst of blue light, summoned another hero. I was relieved I had help fighting 
> the zombie Valkyries, but kinda ticked off that yet *another* new character had 
> been dragged into this storyline.

XD XD XD

> He was, I swear to god, a giant rabbit in a superhero cape. It was Atomic Rabbit 
> from the Tooniverse, from before his appearance in Just Another Cascade, I 
> *think*. Don't quote me on that.

X3 X3 X3 Of course!!

> "All right, you Nazi zombies, how about a nice atomic punch!" He socked some of 
> the Valkyries but they gave as good as they got with their spears. "Kill the 
> Rabbit, Kill the Rabbit, Kill the Rabbit, Kill the Rabbit!" they sang, and I 
> realized with growing horror that that whole plotline had been brought in just 
> for the sake of a really silly joke.

oh my ducking god XD <3 I love you

> But they were being mobbed by the zombie senior citizens, 
> who were also still fighting it out with the Random Villains, who were trying to 
> explain why they were just a scapegoat for what went wrong with the 2000 
> presidential election and the real problem was systemic voter suppression, but 
> they were zombies and no one could understand them.

X3 <3 <3 <3

"You cannot--No! No, I can't do this!" He got off his bike and started
> gesticulating wildly. "I'm a real actor! A real actor! I didn't come back from 
> the dead just to fight z-list net.heroes in a zombie parody! We need to rewrite 
> this storyline so it has emotion! Drama!" A zombie senior citizen started 
> gnawing on his motorcycle while Zombie Marlon Brando's zombie PA desperately 
> tried to rein him in.

XD XD XD oh my GOD

> "So wait," I said to Masterplan Lad as we dodged zombie valkyrie spears and 
> laser blasts, "you're telling me that... this storyline has a character who is 
> like, named after Marlon Brando, and the actual undead Marlon Brando, and 
> they're not even connected?"

X3 <3

> "Yes." Masterplan Lad somehow buried his face deep in his palm while he was 
> duelling a zombie valkyrie with his umbrella. "Yes."

XD XD XD

> "The Writers may seem foolish, and indeed are,

I mean... yeah fair. X3

> but they are conduits for a 
> divine power of inspiration even they don't fully understand--wait, 'they're'?"
> 
> I shrugged.

:3 Yesssssss

> "Well, the fact is that this ridiculous narrative overcomplication might be the 
> only thing that could save us," he said. "Daniel Marlon is trying to cause a 
> collapse in the metanarrative of the LNH, so we have ot avert it by causing a 
> collapse in the local narrative. The only thing to do is to keep drawing in 
> random characters until this plot becomes so overloaded that it collapses. Then 
> it will be retconned out of existence, and we'll all be returned to where we were."

This is... so incredibly you. X3 <3

> "Your powers and memories were stripped 
> from you, but I can see the truth. You are not actually Ralph Nadir. You are 
> someone wearing an oddly realistic Zombie Ralph Nadir mask. Now take it off"

oh my god

> He did so. Masterplan Lad stretched out his umbrella thing, bathing him in 
> cosmic light. He saw a white silhouette filled with sound effects, similar to 
> the background images of the legendary Lee's Useless Superhero Generator 
> website, long may it reign. "Of course!" the new being said. "I am--Lee, the 
> Cosmic Being of Useless Random Hero Generation!

Oh my god XD XD XD THIS IS AMAZING

. Patron power of all random
> heroes created to fill spots in short appearances, who sometimes stick around 
> and become major characters when they have a Writer who will never let go of a 
> plotline or an idea, like the current one!"

*raises hand* Yes me too

> Lee, the Cosmic Being of Useless Random Hero Generation, stood out and stretched 
> out their arms like Rick Jones at the end of the Kree-Skrull War.

Yesssssss. :D

> They summoned 
> up five random heroes--Vector Racer (a Vector clone who was kind of a Tron-y 
> version of Speed Racer, who rode on a lightcycle), Dream Paladin (a blue-armored 
> magical girl type with a thought balloon shield), Megahammer (a blue-haired girl 
> who looked kind of like a Rumiko Takahashi heroine who pulled Thor-like hammers 
> out of hammerspace), Blonde Ninja (an extremely girly valley-girl-like ninja), 
> and Sir Woman (some kind of genderqueer knight).

I'm absolutely going to use some of these characters, fair warning

> The winds unleashed by the narrative warp blew the book out of Daniel Marlon's 
> hand. "The horror! The horror!" he shouted, and then he faded away.

X3 <3

> Masterplan Lad and I were standing alone in the desert, where the bunker had 
> never been. "Guess that's over with then, huh," I said. "Are the Random Heroes OK?"
> 
> ****
> 
> "Hmm," said Winter Droid as the Random Heroes drove through Net.vada, "what are 
> we even doing here? There's not a lot of winter down here."
> 
> "True," said Compu-Yak.
> 
> "Hey," said Suicide Flower. "What are all these other people doing in our van? 
> How did they even fit in here?"

XD XD XD <3 Love it.

> "The child's safe. I had the Knights Temporal take him to a family that will 
> take good care of him. They also engineered his life-path so there's no way he's 
> getting anywhere near politics unless he decides to throw caution completely to 
> the wind. His name is Brad Janus Boyd now--no relation to Brad Thomas Boyd."

oh my GOD. The secret origin of Bad Judgment Boy? Oh my godddddddd? XD <3 <3 <3

> No-Longer-Pregnant Chad was sitting in a bar, finishing off a drink and grabbing 
> another one with his tongue. Zombie Marlon Brando was sitting beside him.
> 
> "Do you have any idea what we're doing here?" said Marlon Brando. "And why I'm 
> not dead? Am I still filming The Island of Doctor Moreau?"
> 
> Chad shrugged.

X3

> "What about the evil little girl AI who rebelled against her creators?"
> 
> "...there was an evil little girl AI who rebelled against her creators? Oh dear. 
> I suspect that whole plot was lost in the chaos."
> 
> "You mean the writer forgot."

Well,

> "Well, I assume she's been erased from existence now and she won't come back as 
> a plot complication for someone later...."

:D

> "His meddling backfired on him and sent him to Retcon Hell, where his backstory 
> will be revised for all eternity. I suspect my superiors will be more than happy 
> to leave him there." Masterplan Lad clutched his umbrella, his knuckles white. 
> "There should have been another way."

Very Doctor Who.

> "Okay. And what about me? I got to save the world, and no one will even remember 
> me... Typical. Hey, now I sound like one of those Silver Age Marvel heroes, with 
> their angsting and speechifying! I need to go punch something!"

X3

> "I'm sure there's plenty of things for you to punch," said Masterplan Lad. "At 
> any rate, whatever happens, I'll remember."

Awwwww. :>

> I nodded. "Thanks. You're a sweet kid. I'm still worried, though. I'm just some 
> randomly generated character from a weird unfinished cascade. I'm scared I'll 
> get forgotten and no one will ever write about me again."
> 
> "What you symbolize," said Masterplan Lad, "is the inherent queerness of 
> superheroes, which so often gets erased or forgotten, as when Robert Kanigher 
> took over Wonder Woman from William Moulton Marston and made her spend all her 
> time swooning over Steve Trevor. But there were still people who remembered. And 
> there'll be people who remember you too."

Fuck yeah :D That makes sense.

> "So do I get to kiss any gorgeous girls?"
> 
> "Oh yes. Plenty of them."

:>

> MPL smiled. Then he was gone, and there was nothing 
> except the Net.vada desert winds, and I was alone with my extremely sexy 
> motorcycle.

:3

> "Elections are really kind of the worst. The whole 
> process is just unbearably frustrating from the preparations and the 
> pre-election discourse to the debates to the voting itself to the waiting for 
> the whole thing to be over, and even the wins never feel like very much of a 
> win. This is supposed to be our sacred ritual, our chance to take our own power 
> and shape democracy, but the whole thing just makes you feel powerless from 
> start to finish. The whole system is rigged to give people the bare minimum of 
> choice. Whoever wins, we're going to end up with a President who interferes in 
> foreign elections, starts wars, sides with the cops over Black people who are 
> fighting police violence, and coddles the corporations, because that's what the 
> system is set up for, especially with the two-party system and all the corporate 
> dark money. 

Mmmmmmmmm. @.@ Yeah.

>You can vote for President Lesser Evil against President Greater 
> Evil but you're still going to end up with President Evil."
> 
> "Hey, title drop!" said Forgotten Gal.

NICE! :D ... at .@

> You know, back in the 
> good old days in the war, I heard a lot about the greatness of America, how we 
> were fighting to preserve democracy from the Nazis. This was while we were 
> holding up the Jim Crow laws. The gay soldiers and the lesbian wireless 
> operators could be queer as long as they supported the war effort, but when the 
> war was over they had to go back in the closet to amke way for the nuclear 
> family and the nuclear bombs. But the thing is, there people living on the 
> margins helping each other survive back then, and there still are now. Even if 
> you can't win on the national level, you can fight it out in local politics, you 
> can support the people in your community. This country's pretty rotten but 
> there's still communities worth fighting for. And if we all do that, and we each 
> find causes to work for, and link up and connect all our fights, maybe someday  > we won't have to worry about shitty presidential politics anymore."
> 
> "God, I hope so," said Maddie.

Me too. Good speech. <3

> The Random Villains 
> decided they were never going to make it as the archenemies of Z-list heroes, so 
> they tried to rebrand themselves as the Midwest Brotherhood of Net.Villains. I 
> have no idea how that worked out.

DUN DUN DUNNNN.

> I did know Lurking Vampire a bit, though. She 
> quit the team and transitioned. She was a lot happier and a lot cuter, at least 
> for a while. I lost track of her. Last I heard she became a vampire for real--a 
> Revampire--and was part of a fast growing revampire army under a mysterious new 
> leader, but who knows."

DUN DUN DUNNNN.

> "Yeah," said Forgotten Gal. "I guess we should just bite the bullet and look at 
> the election news, huh?"
> 
> "I don't have a lot of faith in the electoral process," said Maddie, "but I do 
> have faith in the Looniverse, in its ability to turn all the irresolvable 
> narrative tensions that make up electoral politics into... something 
> interesting, anyway. And, however things turn out, I have faith in us."

Yeah. :>

> They turned on the television.
> 
> Bad Judgment Boy was giving a speech, wearing American flag bathrobe and boxers. 
> (It had just been snowing.) "My fellow Australians," he said,

I love this. X3 So much.

> "you might be 
> wondering how I, someone named Bad Judgment Boy, could possibly be the president 
> this country needs. But I say--See this statue of Abe Lincoln?" He gestured to 
> the Lincoln Memorial. "Remember his famous remark about his mother? The time he 
> said that all he was--all he ever hoped to be--he owed to her? Lincoln's mother 
> was the most important person in the world to him! So my first act as president 
> will be to tear down the Washington Monument and replace it with a statue of 
> Lincoln's mother!" A number of confused noises came from the crowd.

XD XD XD <3

> "Well," said Maddie, "it could have gone worse."

:3

> "Well I have to go on a fight-date with Baroness Wizard," said Forgotten Gal. 
> "You can have the rest of the pizza. Take care."
> 
> "You too." She kissed her goodbye.

D;awwwww

> Notes:
> 
> Well Arthur and Drew wrote politics-vent-y stories, so I did too.

Yessssss. <3

> Of course mine 
> is also meant to wrap up an old cascade plot, advance a plot in Liminals which 
> was hinted at in the Free Comic Book Day Special, and even tie up a Hungry, 
> Hungry Sabertooths plotline. This is very characteristic of me in terms of being 
> a story that's a mix of really intense conversations, ongoing subplot 
> maintenance, and incredibly silly stuff that just keeps happening.

Fuck yeah it is. <3 <3 <3 Makes me happy.

> I decided a while ago that Maddie is a trans woman and she's named after Maddie 
> Blaustein.

:3 Yesssss

> Also, the speech about Lincoln's Mother comes from Fantastic Four #11.
> 
> https://www.cbr.com/remember-to-forget-the-fantastic-fours-lincolns-mother-defense/

Oh god, yeah. X3

Drew "I have so much to add to the wiki" Nilium