LNH: The VHS Bootleg Tape of The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season Two #2
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Tue Oct 27 20:12:55 PDT 2020
The VHS Bootleg Tape of The Namer Boy
Documentary Project: Season Two #2
(A Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! Tie-In!)
The Place -- Earth Combover...
A suffocating darkness. And terror! A *whole* lot of terror!!!!!
"Oh, God!" said Coward Lad his whole head covered in some type of sack. And he couldn't
move. His arms and legs were bound with some kind of rope. He had been kidnapped and he
could hear his kidnappers mumbling and muttering stuff. "Please! Please don't kill me!
Please, please, please!!! Or hurt me!! Don't kill me or hurt me!! I'll do anything you
ask!! Please!!!! Oh god."
"Relax, friend," said the voice of some guy who took the sack off of his head. Some old guy
with a white beard. "We're not here to hurt you. We're here to educate you!"
Coward Lad looked at the man. The man was wearing one of those red MAGA hats. And he had
no mask covering his face. And all the other people in the room (they were in some type of
a cabin (probably in the woods)) also had the red MAGA hats on their heads and also no
masks. "Oh, no! No masks!! No masks!!! Please put the sack back over my head!!
Please!!!" And then Coward Lad thought about all the Covid droplets sailing through the
air right towards his mouth and nose and quickly shut his lips very tightly.
"Case in point," laughed the old bearded man, "Masks. Just fake news by the Deep State
Global Hollywood Pedophile Illumi.net.us Cabal to steal the election from the one person
that can save us all. Covid is just a scam to make us all slaves. And even if it is real
what we need is Herd Mentality to defeat it and make it magically go away! Not masks!"
All the other members started chanting, 'Not masks' over and over.
"Umm, are you talking about Herd Immunity?" said Coward Lad.
"Nope. Pretty sure Herd Mentality is the correct term." Herd Mentality started to be
chanted over and over again. "But, as I said -- We are here to educate you about the
*True* *Real* *Threats* that only the greatest of greatest saviors. The One. The Only.
The President Comboverthing. He who is destined to expose all of the Worst Sex Predator/
Pedophile/Deep State Sex-Traffickers that are trying to Defile Our Children! And to be
joined by NoKlu the secret anonymous source high in the government who disseminates coded
info to us using the messageboard KonJobChan that we the followers (The NoKluAKon) have to
decipher using the codes hidden within the gibberish of President Comboverthing's tweets.
And through that the *TRUTH*!"
Hmm, thought Coward Lad to himself, That doesn't really make any sense. Wasn't
Comboverthing pal's with the notorious sex predator Jeffrey Epstein? And didn't he hire
Alexander Acosta, a prosecutor who worked out some sweet heart deal for Epstein's awful sex
crimes, making him Secretary of Labor? And haven't a number of women accused Comboverthing
of horrible sex crimes? And hasn't he said a lot of horrible gross stuff about women
(including various sex comments about his own daughter)? But on the other hand pointing
out facts and evidence to these people would probably just make them very, *very* angry.
Better off just to play along with them!
"Yes, this all makes total, total sense," nodded Coward Lad. "I'm very glad you brought
this all to my attention. I think our next move here is to get me out of all these ropes
-- and then we can go back to the LNHHQ. And then have a big old LNH/President
Comboverthing/NoKluAKon team-up to take down all these no gooders and save our children.
Yeah, let's do that!" Hope this works! Hope this works!
The old bearded man shook his head. "Do you really think we're *that* stupid?"
Not going to comment on that! Not going to comment on that, thought Coward Lad.
"We know -- *We know* that all you LNH'rs are also a part of this Sick Deep State Sex-
Trafficking Ring! We're not going to fall for your Deep State Trap! No, why you're here
-- this is about something else entirely. It's about this!" The old man grabbed a video
and held it up. "You do know what this is?"
"Umm, a video tape?" said Coward Lad starting to feel some more dread in his spine.
"Yes, but not just any tape. This is the VHS Bootleg of the Namer Boy Documentary!!" The
members began chanting, 'VHS Bootleg' over and over. "A snuff video depicting the alleged
murder of Dr. You'll-Never-Guess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-
NEVER! And it's banned. Do you know why it's banned?"
"Because -- it's a snuff film?" guessed Coward Lad.
"No, it's because the Deep State claims that anyone who has ever watched this tape has
died. That there's some demonic entity within the tape that if you just look at it -- *it
will destroy you*! That's what they claim. But I don't think that's the reason. I think
that's a lie. I think the real reason why this tape is banned is -- because it is the
Truth -- The Truth They Don't Want You to Know! But even if the tape is some kind of a
death tape that kills anyone who watches it -- should the Deep State have the power to ban
such a tape? Deny you the freedom to watch such a tape?"
"Umm, yes? Umm, yeah! Yeah!! I think the Government should definitely ban VHS Tapes that
kill you if you watch them! Yes, I definitely think that is something that should be
banned!" Coward Lad said while nodding his head very rigorously.
"Well, unlike you -- I believe in freedom..." Coward Lad thought about pointing out the
ropes that were binding his arms and legs, but decided to keep his mouth shut. Don't make
these people angry. Don't make them angry!
"And so we're going to watch this film -- and see who's right. The Deep State science
nazis -- or the NoKluAKon! Truth or Death!!" The old bearded man walked over and shoved
the tape into the VCR.
Coward Lad's eyes bugged out of his head! "Nonononononono -- NO!!!!!!!! Don't do that!
Don't do that!! Sometimes scientists are right -- in fact most of the time they're right!!
God!! Please Stop!! For the Love of God, STOP!!!!" Coward Lad began squirming very hard
in his ropes!
The old bearded man pushed play. Coward Lad closed his eyes as tightly as he could. And
everyone waited. And waited. "Hmm, doesn't seem to be playing."
"Did you hook up the TV and VCR," asked one of the members.
"Oh, yeah. Good idea!" The old bearded man looked at the composite cable. "Hmm. It
doesn't make sense! This cable has red, yellow, and white thingees -- but the VCR only has
white and yellow holes. And then there's all these input and output holes that are also
yellow and white on the TV!" The old man threw the composite cable down in frustration.
"Does anyone know how to do this? Hook this thing up? Anyone?!" There were various
shrugs from all the members.
"You! LNH'r! Do you know how to hook this up?"
"Umm. Well, usually Contraption Man or Kid Kirby would hook up the VCR. Maybe you could
kidnap one of them?" suggested Coward Lad.
"Maybe we should consult with the President's tweets? Maybe they can answer the riddle of
the VCR hookup." Everyone else nodded and started chanting Tweets, Tweets.
And as they combed over the latest Comboverthing tweets something that sounded a bit like a
chainsaw started to get louder and louder.
"Hey! There's some guy wearing a Namer Boy mask over his face. And he has a chainsaw!"
pointed out one of the members towards the window. "Maybe he knows how to hook up a VCR!"
"Nooonoono! Don't do that! Are you people crazy? Don't let in the guy wearing a Namer
Boy mask who has a chainsaw!! Don't do that!! Don't!!! Don't let him in here!!!!" said
an extremely agitated Coward Lad.
"Oh, is the big old hero scared of some guy wearing a Namer Boy mask who has a chainsaw?
Is the big old hero scared of that?" said one of the more sarcastic members.
"Yes!!! I'm scared of people who wear Namer Boy masks who have running chainsaws!! Like
everyone should be!!!! Don't let him in here, you morons!!!!!"
But they ignored Coward Lad and opened up the door. "So, hey Mr. Chainsaw Guy -- you know
how to hook up a VCR to a TV?"
The man wearing a Namer Boy mask pondered this question for a bit as if he was surprised by
it and then after awhile of thinking he nodded his head. He walked over to the TV and set
his bloody chainsaw down. And after a couple minutes of placing all the white and yellow
thingees in the right holes, he got up and gave a thumbs up sign.
"Thanks, Mr. Chainsaw Guy! You really saved us! Hey, you want to stick around and watch
this with us? It's supposedly this 'Death' Tape that kills anyone who watches it! At
least that's what those Deep State Nazi Scientists want you to think!"
The man with the Namer Boy mask silently shook his head and picked up his bloody chainsaw
again. The man with the Namer Boy mask might have been a psychopath with a taste for
violently dismembering sexy co-eds to death, but he was also a strong believer in science.
Based on what was happening to Antartica Ice Shelf as well as all the global temperature
data it was clear that the Scientists were right about Climate Change. And based on Covid
not magically disappearing just because some reality game show host wished it to -- the
scientists had gotten that one right too. And if the scientists said that there was a tape
that if you watched it -- it would kill you? Well, then -- it was probably wise to listen
to the scientists about that one too. The man with the Namer Boy mask gave a slight
goodbye wave and then exited out of the cabin and back in to the dark forest.
"Your loss. Okay. Let's watch this baby! Truth or Death!!" And all the members chanted
Truth or Death.
Coward Lad turned his head as far away from the TV as he could and closed his eyes very
tightly. "Don't do it! Don't do it!!" he pleaded. But it was futile. They didn't
And the button PLAY was hit.
"Man, an FBI warning? Fast forward! Fast forward!! Why is there an FBI warning on a
bootleg tape? Fucking Deep State!!"
"Oh, it's started. Say, is that a bird? Looks like a parakeet. It seems to be -- trying
to claw its way out. Out of the TV. Oh, wait -- is that?"
"Pumpkin! Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!! Oh, God. It's getting through the TV.
And then Coward Lad heard a blood curdling scream. And there was this loud demonic screech
that was the most horrible thing that Coward Lad had ever heard. And then there were more
screams. People shouting various curse words. Someone shouted, 'Fake News!' And just the
most horrible and awful screams. People prayed to President Comboverthing to save them.
And more screams. And then Coward Lad just completely passed out from the sheer terror of
And then Coward Lad woke up. Was it just some horrible nightmare that he had imagined?
And he opened his eyes. Oh, god. Oh, God!!
The ropes that had been restraining him had all been ripped to shreds. And there was blood
everywhere. And dead members of NoKluAKon all over the floor. And the occasional candy
corn colored feather. God, there was so much blood!
Just need to get out of this horrible place and -- thought Coward Lad. But before he could
finish that though there was a knock. A very loud and terrifying knock! Oh, god! Please
stop knocking!! Coward Lad crawled up into a ball. Maybe what ever horrible person was
knocking so loudly wouldn't see him? Maybe?
And then someone opened the door. "Hey, is this where the showing is?"
That voice sounded familiar. Why did it sound so familiar? Coward Lad against his better
judgment decided to open his eyes back up. Bad move! "Oh, god. Naked Man! Naked Man!!"
A very naked Charlie Sheen gave a shrug. "Yeah, I'm fucking Charlie Sheen! What do you
expect!?" And then he turned his head outside the door. "Hey, you! We're fucking late!
Everyone's dead except for this prudish asshole that has a problem with me being naked! I
told you not to use the fucking brakes all the time! This is the last time I ever let you
drive! You slow fucker!!"
A very large sabertooth tiger wearing a bowtie gave a shrug as he stepped into the room.
Binky the Sabertooth Tiger sometimes wondered why he put up with this abuse. This
relationship was starting to feel very toxic.
"And it looks like the TV and VCR are completely melted! So, we can't even watch this
'Death' Tape. This sucks! Fuck!! Well, let's see if they have any leftover coke. Maybe
this trip won't be a total loss. Fuck!!"
And Coward Lad closed his eyes again. Very tightly! Please let them find coke! Please
let them find coke! Please!!!! A tear streamed down his eye.
Coward Lad is Tom Russell and Cory Smith's
President Comboverthing is Something Unspeakable's
Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet and
Binky the Sabertooth Tiger are mine
Man, 2020. It's been a year, hasn't it?
I did come up with plot ideas for this back in 2019, but it was originally going to be just
a bunch of College Coeds in a Cabin in the Woods who kidnapped Coward Lad because they were
horrible jerks. But as 2020 has become its own kind of real horror show I made them into
this QAnon type cult (just a different kind of horrible jerk).
This all takes place on Earth Combover -- hopefully, this will be the last Pumpkin issue
set in this horrible, horrible place. Hopefully, the election turns out well.
I'm not going to even commit to writing a third issue of this since I don't know how
horrible 2021 is going to be. But maybe if it isn't that horrible and I can think of
something to write about for a third issue -- maybe that will happen.
Arthur "Can't wait till all this nonsense is over with..." Spitzer
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