LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #13 "Guess, I have to create another Looniverse.."
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Mon Oct 19 19:14:58 PDT 2020
Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #13
"Guess, I have to create another Looniverse.."
Meanwhile on Earth-Combover...
Hmm, thought the gross, hideous orange-faced blob creature (that even had a way, way
uglier soul -- if you could believe that) as he glanced at his tweetthingee,
Something had changed. He could feel it. What was it?
But before President Comboverthing could put any more thought into that feeling some
strange lady riding a gigantic sabertooth tiger strode into the Oval Office. The
sabretooth tiger appeared to be very, very hungry. "Fuck! Help!! Help me!!" He
pushed the panic button on his desk multiple times. Where the fuck were all his
secret service people? Had he given them all covid? Hmm. Damn! Maybe if he
cowered under his desk and was very still? Maybe that would work? "Help!! There's
some crazy chick here and she's riding a gigantic pussy!! Help me!!!!"
"Relax," said the woman with a very disgusted look on her face, "This is a hologram."
"Is that -- is that like a strippergram?" asked Comboverthing with a very puzzled
expression on his face.
"No. It is nothing at all like a stripper gram. I am an illusion created by the
LNH's tech. I am not here. And neither is this sabertooth tiger. And why am I
riding this sabretooth tiger? I haven't a clue -- I guess the writer thought it
would be hilarious for some reason. But none of that is important. I am here to
give you some important information. My name is Fourth Wall Lass."
"What the fuck is a fourth wall?"
"No. I am not going to bother explaining that to you since that would probably be a
very huge waste of time for both you and me. What I am here to explain to you is
that the Cosmic Powers being very sick and tired of you have decided to exorcise you
and your toxic presence from the main Looniverse..."
"Ex-Or-Cise you and your toxic presence from the main Looniverse. But, alas, the
only way they could do that was by creating another split reality. A divergent
bubble reality that is many ways just like the main Looniverse, but just with the
difference that you and all the horrors that you have wrought are still in it. And
unfortunately a divergent Loonivearth population, like myself, that has to exist in
it now too."
"No! That sounds totally crazy and made up! This is the real world! All other
worlds that aren't this one are fake!! FAKE NEWS!!!!"
"I guess I could ask Dr. Stomper to step in here and enlighten you with a more
thorough scientific explanation about why you're completely wrong -- but -- You and
Me -- Well, I'm pretty sure we both know what a complete waste of time that would
be, right? So, we're not going to that."
"FAKE NEWS!!!! FAKE NEWS!!!!" And then as if he remembered something about himself
-- the alien being that had attached itself to his skull many years ago and had
become absorbed by the toxic narcissistic sludge that flowed through him, "I am the
Comboverthing. I am connected magically to the higher reality! My fate is tied to
that higher reality version of myself's fate!!! You LNH'rs are powerless to stop
me!!! FAKE NEWS!!!!!!!"
"Yes, that is true. We are helpless to stop you. And that is why the Cosmic Powers
had to create this bubble-verse where you could keep being horrible and horrible
without any consequences -- at least for now. And because Arthur Spitzer already
wrote the second issue of that Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet mini back in
September -- and didn't have any desire to rewrite it. I guess that's mostly why
this bubble-verse -- this Earth Comboverthing exists. Mostly that." Fourth Wall Lass
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Crazy Lady!!"
"I envy you for that. But this universe we now exist in is only temporary -- it will
probably disappear the moment you become irrelevant...
"I will NEVER be irrelevant!! I will win this election and all of the ones after. I
will be President Forever!!! You'll never be free of me!! NEVER!! FAKE NEWS!!!!"
"Maybe. The polls don't look good for you, but then again -- they also didn't look
good in 2016. Yeah, there's the Electoral College -- Voter Suppression -- Voter
Apathy -- You'll cheat -- you'll sue -- try to get state legislators to over turn the
popular vote. You're going to try everything. And maybe you'll succeed. Hopefully,
you won't -- hopefully everyone is as sick of you as I am. Hopefully."
And Fourth Wall Lass turned her gaze towards the Readers (or at least the American
Readers), "Okay, you Americans out there. Yeah, you -- you have the power to stop
this insanity. VOTE. Yes, VOTE. I mean I can't -- I'm a fictional character (and
also not American) -- I can't stop this. The LNH can't stop this. But you can.
Just vote. And if not to save American Democracy -- then at the very least to stop
all those Non-American LNH Writers from being all smug about America becoming some
crappy Third World country. Do it to stop their insufferable smugness. Vote.
Okay. That's all I have to say. I'm out of here." And Fourth Wall Lass dropped her
mike and rode her sabertooth tiger out of the Oval Office.
And Comboverthing screamed, "FAKE NEWS!!!!!!!"
Fourth Wall Lass is Saxon Brenton's
Comboverthing is Some Horrible Being's
Writer's Note: Yeah, I wrote this because I already wrote that Pumpkin issue and
don't have any desire to rewrite it. And I'm sure I'm probably preaching to the
choir with this -- but maybe if you're still unsure of whether you should vote --
maybe this will change your mind. End Non-American LNH Writer smugness. Just end
Hopefully Earth Combover will totally disappear after all of the ballots are counted.
Arthur "Vote!" Spitzer
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