LNH: Looiverse Chronicles #7: "So You Wanna Play With Magic" (Tales of the Deep Omnilooniverse)
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sat Oct 17 15:39:44 PDT 2020
On 10/17/20 2:16 PM, Jeanne Morningstar wrote:
> LOONIVERSE CHRONICLES
> #7: "So You Wanna Play With Magic"
> Another tale of the Deep Omnilooniverse by Jeanne Morningstar
Oh heck yeah. :D
> Note: this takes place shortly before Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths #8
The second half, I assume~
> TARA GILL'S BAR
> POST-APOCALYPSE TOWN
> "This just in--" said the crackly signal from the old TV in Tara Gill's bar:
> "After the breakdown of months of tense negotiations, Morally Ambiguous
> Utopiaville has officially seceded from the Usnetted States of Ame.rec.a--"
> "hey tara," said Shift, the bouncer, "your ex just seceded."
That is a top-quality line. X3
> "God damn." Tara Gill, bartender, protector of the oppressed, and ass-kicker of
> Post-Apocalypse Town, took a sip of whiskey. She leaned on the bar, showing off
> her bicep with a labrys tattoo.
> There was fighting going on outside the bar, as always. After the Big Split, the
> powers that be had left Post-Apocalypse Town to rot,
Was it called that before, or
> Tara's bar was an important
> source of community and connection for the survivors of Post-Apocalypse Town. It
> was also, as a natural nexus of Drama, a place where a lot of fights broke out.
> There was one starting right now.
> "Excuse me," she said to the shirtless postapocalyptic gang members, "could you
> take out your homoerotic tension by just making out and not wreck my bar?"
> A nimbus of energy began to crackle around Shift. He rose up into the air,
> channeling the power of the enormously destructive cosmic entity that lived in
> his head. "YOU SHOULD LEAVE NOW," he said.
> The burst of energy knocked the two gangsters outside, along with everyone else,
> and destroyed the whole bar. Token Girl stood in the rubble. "Not again," she
> "It's OK," said Token Girl, "it'll come back. This happens all the time. Just
> come by and help me clean up when it does."
> MTM surveyed the desolate bombed-out city blocks. "Ah. This doesn't look good,"
> he said, which made Doctor Stomper think about how much he missed Sister
> "These Dark Omnilooniverse worlds are rather volatile," said Doctor Stomper. "I
> believe we are currently on Looniearth-Dantalion."
> It was Multi-Tasking Man. The one from this Earth. He was a cyborg, with huge
> awkward machines sewn into his body. Wires jutted out of his skin.
> "Hello there--what's the frequency Kenneth--I am the Multitasker--last,
> Christmas, I gave you my heart--I pick up all the signals in the world so
> sometimes it's a little hard for me to carry on a--a little less conversation, a
> little more--conversation."
> Multi-Tasking Man nodded while twiddling his thumb and simultaneously writing
> several different poems and a LISP program in his head. It was always hard for
> him to be in situations where he could only do one thing, especially when he was
> trying to process something like this. He could process things a lot easier when
> he was doing twenty of them at once.
Oh, that's relatable
> "Ah. You're looking for--your love is fading--the Vor.text in the Secret
> Military Base Outside Kaiju Grove."
> "Well, he'll probably--I'll take you there--take you there when he notices you."
> "He?" said Doctor Stomper.
> "You," said the Multitasker. But before he could clarify further, a sphere of
> blue light enveloped Doctor Stomper and Multi-Tasking Man and they were gone.
Ahhhhhh, nice :3
> Vindex stalked through the shadows of the Noir City Grand Hotel, where half of
> extramarital affairs and one third of murders in the city took place
> He was hunting down of one of the city's biggest and meanest gangsters, Big
> Jimmy Neutron.
XD XD XD
> A man who
> wore an honest-to-god gimp suit and carried a mop was always sure to get a
I mean. Yes.
> Vindex gasped. "You--you're the Lurker! The ghost that haunts Noir City Grand
> "I am? Is that what people say about me? That's so cool--wait no! I don't want
> people to notice me! Aaaaaa!" She ducked through the wall.
XD XD XD omg I love it
> Vindex frowned and tapped his mop. He thought about the bright blue eyes he'd
> seen under the girl's hood. They reminded him of a picture he'd seen in the
> paper, a girl who'd gone missing in the Grand Hotel a few months ago. Her name
> was Lindsey Gensym.
yessssssss LNH20 counterparts
> Golden Titan and Irony Laq took the captured net.villain into the throne room of
> Heaven Catalyst.
Yesssss HEAVEN CATALYST :D
> Of course she did. Colonel Panic was someone who lived for chaos and
> destruction. That was why, when she'd been fired for her job as a software
> engineer, she turned her ancient malfunctioning Linux machine into a
> psychotronic device that struck fear into the hearts of her enemies.
Ooooooh, I think this is a Captain Coredump II counterpart, *nice*
> "Ha!" She activated a zapper in her suit, knocking Golden Titan and Irony Laq
> over with electricity, then pulled out her controller. (Which had three buttons
> marked "Panic," "Panic" and "Panic.") She pressed all the panic buttons at once.
XD XD XD
> "Kendra, I know you were trapped in a grinding capitalist nightmare of a job.
> Your bosses didn't value you for what you really are or what you can really do.
> You're just being used to do pre-determined mechanical tasks with no flexilility
> and creativity. You could never live with that so you turned against them. You
> want to get back at society. I totally get that. But I have a question--are your
> attacks actually doing anything to change that?"
ooooooooooh this is a good morally ambigious utopia
> Instinctively, Colonel Panic kneeled. Heaven Catalyst drew the ceremonial sword
> from her scabbard and tapped her shoulder with the flat. "By the power invested
> in me by this fancy sword, I dub thee Knight of the Legion Supreme."
> Golden Titan stayed behind. "Are you sure it's a good idea to recruit all these
> villains?" he said.
> In truth, Heaven Catalyst knew that Golden Titan was a bigger risk to her and
> and her plan than any of the ex-villains could ever be.
Dun dun dunnnnn
> She looked outside over the city she'd built and its people. All of them
> worshipped her. All of them did exactly what she said. Golden Titan complained
> about it sometimes, and that was why she kept him around. She hadn't had a a
> real argument in years. She missed Tara.
> In the city of Kaiju Grove, Ultra-Merissa wrestled with Kamisamazilla in the bay
> and King Seeker fought an onslaught of generic evil minions in the quarry.
> the quarry was the Secret Military Base Outside Kaiju Grove, which was the
> city's biggest tourist attraction. There were signs saying "This Way to Secret
> Military Base" all along the high way and gift shops with cheap figurines of
> monsters outside.
XD XD XD Amazing, astounding, delightful
> There were differences, though. For one thing, he was floating in the air, and
> he had an eye tattooed on his chest in black. For another, he wasn't wearing any
> clothing. Multi-Tasking Man was too agog to say anything.
> "Ah. Hello. I take it you're the local Dr. Stomper," said Dr. Stomper.
> "Indeed," said the other one. "I am called Deus Ex Stomper."
> Dr. Stomper tried not to stare at his counterpart. He had met versions of
> himself before, but it was a little strange seeing one just walking around like
> this with his Doomsday Clock out.
> "We are from another universe--"
> "I knew that," said Deus Ex Stomper. Dr. Stomper sighed, disappointed he didn't
> get to exposit.
> "As it happens, the issue where that was resolved was written before this one.
> But I may not be able to send you directly to the end. The paths of narrative
> are tangled and strange."
> "There was a secret government experiment which pierced the Fifth Wall. I
> believe you know it as the Omaha Project. In your Earth, it failed. In mine, it
> succeeded. The cataclysm it made split Net.ropolis into four cities--Post
> Apocalypse Town, Noir City, Morally Ambiguous Utopiaville and Kaiju Grove. The
> narrative energies of the LNHQ were split into four nexi--Tara Gill's bar, the
> Grand Noir City Hotel, the Catalyst Citadel and the Secret Military Base Outside
> Kaiju Grove, where we stand. I was drawn into the Vor.text of the energy from
> beyond the Fifth Wall, and I became as you see me now."
Ooooooh, nice tie-together.
> "I am beyond such mortal constructs as clothes," said Deus Ex Stomper.
> "Don't you get cold?" said Dr. Stomper.
> "Not really, no."
X3 X3 X3 <3 <3 <3
> "Wait. There are things you have to know before you leave. Three things. First,
> there is a third, and a third. A fourth, and a fourth. The third is the fourth.
> The fourth is the one who will destroy the many."
I'm a writer and even I didn't get that!
> "Second: there are two spies in your headquarters. One knowing and one
> unknowing. Beware the machine, and beware the one who came back. And third:
> she's not from here. She's the 'real' one, the one from your world."
oooooooooh interesting. :o
> So you wanna play with magic
> Boy, you should know whatcha falling for
> Baby do you dare to do this
> 'Cause I'm coming atcha like a dark horse
> --Dark Horse, Katy Perry
Oh I get it. X3
> So yeah, the universe in this story is based on Dark Horse's 90s imprint Comics
> Greatest World.
:3 Love it
> I'd picked up all the Comics Greatest World launch issues from a
> dollar bin long ago. I'd had a joke about CGW in issue 4 and there's nothing I
> love to do more then coming up with a weird running gag and following it to the
> point where it generates elaborate drama,
> Shift=CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE+Motorhead
> Vindex=Captain Cleanup+X ("Vindex" is the Latin word for "avenger." The Romans
> would have pronounced it "Windex")
> King Seeker=Seeker (the new persona Saxon is planning to introduce for Chinese
> Guy)+King Tiger
> Colonel Panic is a new character. It's kind of amazing no one's ever used that
> name before. In the tradition of alternate universe stories, there's probably a
> version of her in the main Looniverse who's part of one or another Brotherhood.
> Kamisamazilla: Drew Perron
Thank you so much for this dumb callback. X3
Drew "I love you so much" Nilium
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