LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #4

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Wed Oct 14 10:26:36 PDT 2020

On 10/14/20 11:03 AM, Jeanne Morningstar wrote:
> "This is Alpha Niner, I'm coming in!" said Cliche Dude into the comms. "Over!"
> At the moment, most of the LNH was quarantined in their rooms--especially the 
> ones who could be very dangerous if they were sabertoothed, like Merissa--until 
> Dr. Stomper could develop a state-of-the-art anti-sabertooth serum (try saying 
> that five times fast). 

> Unfortunately, when the virus had broken out, Dr. Stomper 
> had been exploring the Deep Omnilooniverse where he'd been stranded by someone 
> who impersonated Cliche Dude and then suddenly had a burst of heroism and 
> sacrificed his life to save him.

This Cliche, This Guy Named Chris!

> Patrols of power-armored kiwis were taking care of the rest of the LNHQ.

X3 That's great

> The problem was the entrance to the 
> sub-basements. Everyone knew that when you went deep enough, the sub-basements 
> opened up to other worlds. Sometimes, monsters and fantasy creatures got 
> through. So what happened when one of *them* got infected by the virus?

ooooooooh. Very thoughtful.

> "That's not bad, though," said Halls. "Sometimes cliches are cliches for a 
> reason, you know?"  Cliche Dude beamed from ear to ear.


> "Don't forget the Vampire Kiwi Incident of 2014," said Captain Cleanup.
> "We don't talk about that," said Token Girl.

X3 X3 X3 Love it

> Unfortunately, it was necessary to bring out both the LNH's custodians, since 
> the sabertooths weren't exactly litter trained. Halls Jordan and Captain Cleanup 
> were having a competition over  which would have the biggest pile of sabertooth 
> poop. There was a reason usually wasn't put on the same mission.

omfg that's astounding. This is such a good concept.

> Suddenly, they saw a movement in the shadows. "Sabertooth! Sabertooth!" growled 
> one of the sabertooths, 

XD XD XD omg I love that!

> "Taste the fire of retribution, foul felid!" shouted Marvel Zombie Girl, 
> blasting it with the FIre that Sears Men's Soles while Token Girl struck with 
> her power-loader fist. 

yessssss :D

> 90s Comics Kid (the alternate-future son of Old Comics 
> Man, from a Deep Omnilooniverse Earth where the Dorf invasion of 2012 had 
> succeeded and all that remained of Earth culture was a cache of 90s comics 
> hidden in the impenetrable sanctuary of a collector) took out his massive 
> Liefeldian tranq gun and shot it down,

This is one of the best parenthetical asides I've ever seen

> Suddenly Cliche Dude started hyperventilating.
> "Are you OK?" said Halls.
> "That's my line! Meow!" said Cliche Dude.
> "Meow?" said Captain Cleanup.
> "They got me," said Cliche Dude, taking off his helmet and revealing cat ears. 
> "They got me! It's too late! Halls, you have to kill me before I change!"

oh my god XD XD XD

> "It's okay," said Halls Jordan, scritching Cliche Dude behind the ears. He purred.

oh my GOD XD ^..............^ XD

> "Hmm," said Captain Cleanup. "It's possible that Cliche Dude's dog-based nature 
> is helping him resist the cat-based infection." Cliche Dude had been raised by a 
> pack of wild golden retrievers.

XD XD XD This is complete nonsense and yet somehow it fits perfectly.

> "Then--we might be able to use his blood to produce an antibody to the cat 
> infection!" said Marvel Zombie Girl.
> "Where exactly did this storyline come from?" growled Captain Cleanup.

Yeah, that sounds familiar somehow X3

> "King Tiger? What's that?" said Halls Jordan.
> "The martial arts hero from Dark Horse's Comics Greatest World! Voted the 
> seventh most collectible universe of 1993 by Wizard Magazine!"
> "Can't remember it," said Token Girl.

XD Amazing

> "Wait, didn't they have an Ultraman pastiche?" said Halls. "Hero Zero? That was 
> kind of ahead of its time, I guess. Does the Legion have an Ultraman pastiche?"

Look, I'm working on it *shoves pile of paper into closet labeled 'In-Progress 
Tokusatsu Pastiches' into the closet and pushes it closed*

> "Sabertooth! Sabertooth!" growled the giant sabertooth. It reared up, breaking 
> through the walls, knocking the LNHers over and charging out into the city of 
> Net.ropolis.
> And on the sidelines, a lone kiwi watched. It began to glow in a radiant light, 
> slowly expanding as armor formed around it. "ULTRA-KIWI!" bellowed Ultra-Kiwi, 
> and followed the giant sabertooth.

Oh my GOD XD XD XD This is absolutely the best thing ever

> And unknown to all of them, they were being watched by  a suspiciously normal 
> vending machine. This was VEN-DORR, the Soda Machine that Walked, er, Rolled 
> like a Man [introduced in "Ven-Dorr, The Soda Machine That Walked, er, Rolled 
> Like a Man!"--FG]--rebuilt and sent to spy on the LNHQ by the Trans-Pacific 
> Plunderbund!

GASP! Also oh my god! XD <3 This is so many good things

> Sitting on her throne of 40s crime comics in her West Coast headquarters, the 
> Crime Empress watched the communications from the agent she'd designated "Fanta 
> Source" on her swank, gold-bordered viewscreen. She wore a sparkly black 
> sequined dress and a large top hat with the word "CRIME" written on it.


> "So the LNHQ is already under attack?" said Lucky Chain Letter Lucy, who stood 
> at the right hand of her throne--the ambitious low-level net.villain formerly of 
> the Seven Deadly Spammers, who was becoming the Queen's favorite. (That was how 
> people referred to her, it apparently had connotations.)

Her consort, if you will. :3

> "I know who it was," said the Crime Empress. "This is the work of the East Coast 
> Brotherhood. The sabertooth virus bears all the hallmarks of Dr. Killfile II. 
> She is someone who is descended from a cat an and elf [this is absolutely real 
> Teenfactor canon, and makes zero sense, so we're keeping it--Footnote GIrl], 
> which aids her in communicating with and controlling cats. She's using the 
> sabertooths to stage an invasion of the LNHQ."

OF COURSE. :D I love it

> The attempt to summon an army of demons from
> Looniverse-Yaldabaoth may have failed,

I know what this is about :D

> but I've found a group of beings who are 
> ideal for our purposes. They should be easy for me to communicate with--they're 
> fellow Vectors, after all."


> She pressed a button on her throne and the view changed to a stargate in an 
> underground room, with a huge machine hooked to it, manned by the kind of 
> generic non-super scientists any decently sized criminal organization has on its 
> payroll.

Oh, yeah, we've got one in the basement but you need to put in quarters so it's 
a hassle

> Some time ago [Mutton Mania again--Footnote Girl], a villain called the 
> Sheepshagger had created a weapon which transformed people into sheep. Ultimate 
> Mercenary and his allies, traveling through time and space, had brought along 
> several clones of the Vector virus--the very same living virus that had served 
> as original template for the Crime Empress, as well as the LNH's most radicool 
> young heroine, Merissa--which had then been exposed to the net.god OMAR's 
> trollistic energies and been transformed into Vector-troll-sheep. Net.Access had 
> been able to defeat them by exiling them to the far-off newsgroup of 
> alt.alien.sheep.baa.baa.baa, and that had been the end. Until now. [Ultimate 
> Mercenary v1 #7]
> A green mass of wrathful sheep marched through the portal.
> BAAA, they said.

I've wanted to do something with this for so long and I'm so happy :D :D :D

> And in the Hot Topic sanctum of the abandoned mall headquarters of the East 
> Coast Brotherhood, Mr. Homage (secretly possessed by Anti-Christ Lad) looked 
> into his view screen (a widescreen TV that had been salvaged from an Applebees) 
> and smiled.

yessssss. Now bring in Erik the Red!

> He was the leader of the East Coast Brotherhood. The West Coast Brotherhood, now 
> called the Trans-Pacific Plunderbund, was a large and structured organization 
> that moved freely on the West Coast, where there were fewer net.heroes, except 
> on the weeks when Net.ropolis decided to be there. Since following superhero 
> story precedent Net.ropolis mostly stayed on the East Coast, the East Coast 
> Brotherhood had to work right under the net.heroes' noses.

I love making that explicit :D :D :D

> They moved in silence 
> and the shadows, a small team with few resources but tight-knit and disciplined 
> --as disciplined as you could possibly make a team of net.villains, since 
> leading them was a bit like herding the proverbial cats, though the actual 
> cat-herding part of their current plan was working just fine so far.


> "You're not worried about the Crime Empress?" said Polybag Person.
> "Oh no. See, the point of this plot was never to go after the LNH. We all know 
> it'd take a lot more than just dropping another kind of animal in the LNHQ to 
> get rid of them. No, the point was to lay a trap for the Crime Empress, and she 
> just took the bait..."


> And elsewhere, in a hidden pocket dimension, another figure watched Mr. Homage 
> (possessed by Anti-Christ Lad) watching the Crime Empress watching the stargate. 
> They were wearing an absolutely hideous plaid armor that would cause fashion 
> designers to spontaneously combust.
> "And while the two Brotherhoods make war, I will move in the shadows and strike 
> down them both--I, Erik the Plaid, leader of the Midwest Brotherhood of Evil 
> Net.Villains!"


(Erik the Plaid, also known as Plaid the Impaler...)

> And elsewhere, in a blank white endless void, a stick figure watched Erik the 
> Plaid watching Mr. Homage (possessed by Anti-Christ Lad) watching the Crime 
> Empress watching the stargate on his minimally drawn television on his minimally 
> drawn couch.

oh my god. XD XD XD

> "That does it!" said Simplicity, banging his fist (a circle) down on the couch. 
> "This is just like all those other cascades. First, Arthur writes a silly thing, 
> then Drew kind of builds on that silliness, then Jeanne Morningstar comes in and 
> drops this 500-pound anvil of continuity and metaplot. Well I have had enough! 
> This ends now!"

XD XD XD it's truuuuuue

> Simplicity headed through the secret roads of time and space, for Jeanne 
> Morningstar's apartment.


> Hmm, I wonder how I'll end this issue," they pondered. 
> "Maybe Simplicity would appear out of nowhere and try to kill me... no, that'd 
> be too obvious."
> Suddenly, Simplicity appeared out of nowhere.


> "That does it! I have had it up to 
> here with you overcomplicating all the plots! I am tired of you starting stories 
> and never finishing them!"
> "Look, we had an entire story about why that was OK," said Jeanne. [Just Another 
> Cascade.GEKIJOBAN]

yessssssss it's true :D

> Jeanne deflected it with their Chainsword [last seen in 
> the now-classic RACCAFE: Writefail]. They had had a substantial gender epiphany 
> since then so they could now access their magical girl form. They pressed a 
> button on the side of the chainsword, and the chains shredded their clothing, 
> surrounded them with sparkles, and transformed them into some kind of magical 
> girl version of Spawn.

This is THE BEST THING. :D :D :D <3 <3 <3

> Suddenly, a force field stopped Simplicity in his tracks. "No!" said an echoing 
> metallic voice. "Jeanne Morningstar must lived! I will make sure they survive to 
> write another issue of Retcon Year--and if they do not, I have sworn to kill 
> them myself. I--DOCTOR DREADED DEADLINE DOOM!" [Last seen in Liminals #3.5]
> "Yikes," said Jeanne Morningstar.


> The quarantine element was the 
> one thing I decided to keep from the Real World because exploring how LNHers 
> deal with quarantine could be fun and characterful.

Yes! <3 The good shit.

> The Crime Empress's Crime Hat was inspired by Mr. Crime, the mascot of the first 
> crime comic series, Crime Does Not Pay. That's a lot of crime. You can read it 
> here: https://comicbookplus.com/?cid=869

Drew "I love Mr. Crime" Nilium

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