LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #3

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Oct 11 21:01:40 PDT 2020

"Nice kitties," said WikiBoy, holding up his hands (and his beaver tail), 
walking backwards slowly. "Good kitties..."

The five sabertooth tigers stalking growled in unison, and WikiBoy gulped. This 
was gonna hurt...

"WikiBoy! I have need for your aid!" Kid Occultism Kid stepped thru the wall, 
gesturing grandly. "You are... a cosmic transcendence vehicle!"

"yes absolutely whatever" WikiBoy poofed into an orange-and-brown couch with a 
multicolored afghan drapped over the back and a stain on one of the cushions. 
Kid Occultism Kid hopped on and they slid into Hypertext Time just before the 
sabertooths could leap and rend them to little fiddly bits.

The experience of being a transcendently cosmic couch was amazing and infinite 
and unspeakable. But this is just supposed to be a quick comedy issue, so we 
won't speak of it.

But soon - by the counting of Size-of-the-Entire-Universe-Man's watch, anyway - 
they arrived, at a swirly psychedelic space that smelled like neutrons. All the 
Great Powers of the Looniverse were there - the Living Moderator; Lord MUDD, 
Master Workload and sig.ma; Alt.actus, Killfile, Ending of the Finishless, and 
some other Deaths I've forgotten; and a whole bunch more that Saxon Brenton came 
up with!

"Lo!" said the Scyldh Ta, a character *I* came up with, herald to the Living 
Moderator. "Court is in session for... THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE LOONIVERSE!"

Holy crap! thought the WikiCouch.

"The floor turns to... VAMMO Woman, the RACCelestial Madonna!"

"Wait, really?" said Kid Occultism Kid. "She hasn't been used in *how* long?"

"Shut up long, that's how." The RACCelestial Madonna pointed a finger, and a 
curtain drew back to reveal that thing where a giant pair of hands mooshes two 
Earths together so they overlap. "Two Loonivearths! One, a terrible, apocalyptic 
land where the spawn of Neme.sys became President, plague ravages the land, and 
the LNHQ is full of prehistoric monsters! Another where things are only terrible 
in the normal ways of a superhero universe! What great force has caused this 

Kid Review raised his hand. "I thought it was because Drew took forever to 
finish WikiLull and Arthur wanted to do something topical."

"Out of turn, five-yard penalty!" The Scyldh Ta rapped their gavel and a door 
opened in the swirly psychedelic nothingness, dropping Kid Review thru with a 
descending scream.

"It was I who did it!" All heads (or head-like abstract appendages) turned to 
look at the being who had walked (?) thru the doors (??) of the court - the 
humanoid form of multicolored fractals and pure weirdness, Chaos Theory!

"But why!?" said the RACCelestial Madonna. "You have wrought great chaos-- well, 
okay, but still."

"I have discovered a danger even greater than hungry, hungry sabertooths!" said 
Chaos Theory.

"Nice title drop," said Rubricus Declinator, anthropomorphic personification of 
title drops.

"As you know," said Chaos Theory, walking around the floor (???) and 
gesticulating even more grandly, "The Looniverse depends on drama flowing from 
the boring lives of the Writers into our world. However--" They thrust out a 
hand, and an image of a scandalous newspaper headline appeared, replaced by 
another, just as bad, and another, and another, faster and faster. "As you can 
see, the Real World has become more and more filled with stress, danger, and 
unpredictability - even as the reduced rate of LNH stories means that the 
characters face less huge cosmic challenges than usual! Cosmic comrades, if this 
keeps up-- the Looniverse is in danger of becoming *less dramatic* than the Real 

"Gasp!" said the Gasper, one of the Elders of the Looniverse.

"I say!" said Monoculus, Dorfish god of popped monocles.

"By the silver slippers of Sidney Poitier," muttered Kid Occultism Kid.

"I see," said the RACCelestial Madonna, her face grim. "Then it seems we have no 
choice but to accept--"

"Just a moment!" said Kid Occultism Kid, standing up on the WikiCouch (ow! he 
thought). "You have forgotten one thing!"

"Back in my day, humans didn't just walk up to anthropmorphic personifications 
and start runnin' their yap!" said the Golden Force.

"You get used to it," sighed Master Workload.

"You have forgotten the other force that runs the Looniverse, equal partner to 
Drama - Comedy!" They leaned down and whispered, "WikiBoy, you're a rubber 
chicken whoopie cushion!"

"as long as you quit stepping on me," muttered WikiBoy, and poofed into a rubber 
chicken whoopie cushion. Kid Occultism Kid walked up to Chaos Theory and slapped 
them in the face (????) with the WikiChicken.

"I challenge you - all of you!" - they pointed to the assembled gathering, or 
perhaps the gathered assembly - "to make the Looniverse, not simply more 
dramatic than Real Life, but sillier!"

Murmurs rumbled thru the cosmic crowd. Chaos Theory and the RACCelestial Madonna 
got in a huddle, whispering urgently. Finally, they separated and faced the 
Living Moderator.

"We have reached a compromise!" said the RACCelestial Madonna. "The 
Comboverthing will be removed from the office of President - and another, 
sillier option put in his place! The plague will remain - but be changed to 
something more ridiculous!"

The Scyldh Ta rapped their gavel. "So it is written, so it is done! And now, 
lower beings - BEGONE!" They pointed their gavel at Kid Occultism Kid and the 
WikiChicken, and there was a great flash of light...

When it faded, WikiBoy found himself standing back in the LNHQ, Kid Occultism 
Kid next to him, panting. "Wasn't sure that would work... whew." They 
straightened up and stuck out their hand. "Thank you for your help, WikiBoy!"

"Oh, um." WikiBoy took their hand and shook firmly. "No problem, glad I could 
help with the silliness."

"Indeed, you are one of the greatest sources of it we have! Take pride in that!" 
They waved their hand, and a swirly portal appeared in midair. "Now I must 
avaunt, to find out what has changed! Good luck!"

"Thanks-- wait, good luck?" WikiBoy turned around, to find-- oh, no. There was a 
sabertooth tiger at the end of the hallway.

A sabertooth tiger... wearing all black, with a red, white and blue belt, and a 
katana in its teeth?

WikiBoy remembered what the RACCelestial Madonna said about the plague being 
changed. So it was a disease... that turned you into a sabertooth tiger for two 

WikiBoy took a deep breath... and started running!

Author's Note: I tried to make this quick, fun and silly, just like the first 
two, because, well, that's what we need right now! (And can *you* find the 
hidden Dvandom Force reference in this ish?)

Drew "as opposed to the obvious Dvandom Force references" Nilium

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