LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #33: "Tales of the Zombie"
mrfantastic7 at gmail.com
Sat Nov 28 10:49:18 PST 2020
HUNGRY, HUNGRY SABERTOOTHS!
Issue #33: "Tales of the Zombie"
A tale of retroactive angst, by Jeanne Morningstar
"Wow," said Marvel Zombie Lad, "it's amazing how we defeated Doctor
Killfile and Y-Plex Burp and saved the world from the power of the
Cosmic Plot Device!"
"It sure was," said Kid Yesterdaze. "Too bad we can't ever tell anyone
how it was done. Because reasons."
"Yeah," said Bad-Timing Boy. "I still can't believe how Manga Man saved
the entire universe by MMMPH!" A last-minute spell-gag by Occultism Kid
had thankfully stopped him.
Myk-El let out a heavy sigh. "It's too bad Sacrificial Lamb Boy had to
die. Or wait, was that actually in continuity."
"I suppose I'll have to figure all that out later," said Doctor Stomper.
"For now, I'm glad we made it."
"And you know what that means..." said Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Let me guess," said Fuzzy. "Is it cheesecake?"
"Yeah, it's cheesecake," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Totally radical!" said California Kid. "Let's Par-Tay!"
"Meh," said Super Apathy Lad.
Marvel Zombie Lad smiled. In spite of everything, this team of weirdos
had come together to save the world. He'd helped introduce many of them
to the Legion and bring them together, transforming from a scattered,
loose-knit community into a real team. He was proud of them, more than
they could ever know.
It had been a long time since Marvel Zombie Lad was inside the LNHQ.
He'd feared and dreamed of this day, when he'd face all the people who
were once his friends, the ones that were still left, anyway. He'd gone
over in his head many times what he would say to them.
He hadn't expected the place to be completely empty. The hustle and
bustle of net.heroes was gone. Now, the only other people there were the
West Coast Brotherhood that he'd joined and the East Coast Brotherhood
who were waiting for them inside.
"Well shit," said Polybag Person. "There it is."
"Hello Reva," said Romantic Innuendo. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"
"Not long enough," said Revamp Lass.
"Eeeeeee!" said OTP. Crossplay King elbowed her in the side.
Gracemora glanced quickly around the room and saw Catalyst Lass huddling
in the corner. "Cat? Is that you?" she said.
"Hahahaha NOPE," said Catalyst Lass and ducked into the bathroom.
"Well well well," said Mr. Homage to Anti-Christ Lad. "Fancy meeting you
"You!" said Anti-Christ Lad. "I will destroy you at any cost! I will
ensure I never become you--even if it means both our deaths!"
"Any idea what that's about?" Polybag Person whispered to MZL. MZL shrugged.
Anti-Christ Lad charged in on Mr. Homage, flaming with infernal fury.
MZL instinctively dove in front of him, blasting his own hellfire at the
Beacon of Blasphemy. "I'll bet you think you're pretty hot stuff, huh?"
said MZL. "Well, I'll show you what hellfire really means!"
But as they went into battle, punching at each other, dancing with
bursts of hellfire, MZL felt something pulling on him, shifting and
twisting him. He was caught in the revampiric rays of Revamp Lass's
amulet! He was transforming into an upgraded version of the form he'd
assumed in the Cry.Sig--the Image Idolator! His passion for his beloved
old-school Marvel comics was fading away, replaced by books like The
Walking Dead, Saga, Wicked and the Divine, which a random person on the
street might actually have heard of!
"No! No, it can't be!" he shouted, refusing to submit to realistic
dialogue. He focused himself in on the deep burning core of his passion!
He remembered all that he had been, all that he had longed for and lost...
You are Marvel Zombie Lad! Once, you were a founding member of the
Legion! Once, you were one of its most beloved members, the one that new
heroes aspired to be! But since you returned from Limbo [the Marvel
Zombie Lad: Into the Void miniseries], everything has changed! Members
you knew and considered friends are gone! New members have joined who
you have no idea who they even are! And Rebel Yell, the leader and heart
of the team, is missing! You could have tried to save him, but you did
nothing! You saved the universe, but you lost one of your own heroes,
and try as you might, you can't balance those scales in your mind or in
your heart... Can you, Marvel Zombie Lad?
"No!" angsted Marvel Zombie Lad.
"Uh, who are you talking to?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad.
Marvel Zombie Lad blinked. "Oh hi, CEL. Sorry, I was just... angsting."
"What's wrong?" he said.
"Oh, just thinking about Rebel Yell."
"What happened with him and Lurking Girl wasn't your fault," said Sister
State the Obvious.
"I know, I know..." Marvel Zombie Lad sighed. He'd been over this, with
himself and others, many many times. It was true, none of it was his
fault. But the team was still changing beyond recognition. Everything
was bigger, more dramatic, more organized but also more confusing. True,
he'd had later stories inserted in his back-history that were more like
the later LNH stories than the early offhand pseudo-RP of the early
Legion, but it still wasn't quite the same.
And there were more changes coming. He had strange dreams about battles
spanning time and space. Could Marvel Zombie Lad belong in such a world?
"But still... Everything is different now. I'm wondering if the Legion
has a place for me anymore. Every rose has its thorn... just like every
Marvel Zombie has his sad, sad song! Perhaps it is time for me to find a
place to sing it... alone!"
And he had. He'd gone on a road trip across the country to find his
place (even though that was more of a DC thing) and had aventures
alongside other monster-type heroes like the Net.stalkers, Marv Werewolf
(the Wolfman by Night), and even Flameproof Lad (who had taken on the
dangerous super-mode of Flame Writer, the Dan Ketch Ghost Rider to MZL's
Johnny Blaze Ghost Rider, more or less). But then, gradually, he'd lost
his connection to himself, his spark of passion. And then it had all
come back in a blaze of anger and frustration, and he'd ended up joining
the West Coast Brotherhood [Another LNH Title #7] and now...
Now he was fighting the battle of his life against Anti-Christ Lad!
Renewed flames of motivation burst out of his body. He regretted not
having his motorcycle around because it would look especially cool, even
though it couldn't really fit into the LNHQ. He charged in with fists of
"You will never overcome me, Marvel Zombie Lad! For mine is the power of
righteous fury--a damned soul fighting for salvation!" said Anti-Christ Lad.
"Once, I thought as you did!" said MZL. "Once, I yearned to be more than
a damned soul--to be a hero! But it was far too late long ago! I know
all too well what drives you to this battle--but you cannot defeat me!"
The more they angsted at each other, the larger and hotter their flames
Everyone else stopped in the middle of their fighting. "Uh, is it just
me, or is it getting hot in here?" said Polybag Person. The battle had
consumed everyone's attention so completely they hadn't even noticed
Captain Continuity zip in and out.
"Damn it!" said Gracemora. "We need to retreat before the LNHQ blows up!
"Oh, I think I can take care of this," said Romantic Innuendo. She
wiggled her eyebrows at the two of them.
Marvel Zombie Lad pummeled away at Anti-Christ Lad, who was slashing at
him with his trident. He felt a deep burning frustration at this man who
thought he could deny the inevitable course of entropy, the decay of
everything that was good and valuable, this man who embodied the ideals
he'd long abandoned... and yet... there was something about him that
was... strangely attractive...
The flames were burning even more now. They were surrounded by a circle
of fire that was growing larger and larger. "You're making it worse!"
shouted Mr. Homage.
"My lord, I sense another source of Flame nearby that is exacerbating
their conflict," said DNSDaemon. Catalyst Lass, huddling in the
bathroom, felt her ears burning.
"Polybag Person! Try and contain them!" said Mr. Homage. Polybag Person
formed a mylar barrier around the two of them, straining and sweating.
The flames inside grew larger and hotter and the fires obscured them
completely. And then there was one final huge burst of flame...
And they were gone.
"Now what?" said Marvel Zombie Lad. They were, of course, in Hell. But
which of the many layers had they gone to? What demonic foe would they
have to face.
He heard a chuckling from behind them. "Well, well, well. I wasn't
expecting to see you here, son," said Net.phisto.
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