LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths #29: "The Cosmic Catharsis"

[Jeanne Morningstar]

HUNGRY, HUNGRY SABERTOOTHS!
Issue #29: "The Cosmic Catharsis"
A tale of net.legacy chickens coming home to roost, by Jeanne Morningstar

====

With a burst of energy and an impressively lettered FRZHAMMM! Captain 
Continuity materialized within the LNH lobby. He'd just got back from 
fixing the continuity in the prehistoric age, which had gone without a 
hitch, apart from a weird incident where he ran into his past self who 
had also gone back in time to investigate the age of the dinosaurs [as 
seen in Generation Y #21].

"OK!" he said. "I made it. I uh--hello? Is anyone there?"

There were people there. They were net.villains, from each of the two 
Brotherhoods, and they were fighting it out in the LNH lobby.

On one side was the East Coast Brotherhood: Anti-Christ Lad (the past 
one) Gracemora, OTP, Crossplay King, Captain Coredump and Revamp Lass, 
and Plotchopper.. On the other was the West Coast Brotherhood: Mr. 
Homage, Romantic Innuendo, Rumor Monger, Continuity Porn Star, 
Deathspork, Polybag Person, Marvel Zombie Lad, DNSDaemon... and Plotchopper.

He definitely needed to have words with Anti-Christ Lad at some point, 
but right now his first priority was making sure this cascade had at 
least some semblance of continuity,  Which meant he had to take care of 
Plotchopper. One of them was wearing a more clean-lined Silver Age-y 
armor and the other a grimier executioner's outfit more reminiscent of 
the Giffen look for the Persuader, but which was which seemed to change 
between moments.

"All right, this whole story is confusing enough without having two of 
you you around," said Captain Continuity. "Scram." He zoomed toward the 
nearest Plotchopper. With a spark of energy, Pllotchopper's axe struck 
him in the chest sending him flying back.

At first he seemed completely unwounded, but he realized to his horror 
that the previous issue was missing, and he couldn't remember how he 
resolved the dinosaur continuity issue at all.

Enraged, Captain Continuity struck out at Plotchopper with the 
standard-Supertype-strength and speed of his fists. Sending him 
sprawling to the ground, he flew around Plotchopper in super speed and 
wrapped him up conveniently-lying-around ropes, (Just like the ones that 
got Mr. Fantastic on the cover of FF #1, unless those were there because 
Sue was doing something with Reed when the giant green monster caught 
them in flagrante delicto).

He zipped off into outer space and left the bound Plotchopper on the 
Gray Area of the Moon, so at least there'd be only one of him on Earth. 
Until the continuity glitched again, anyway.

So now what? The villains seemed pretty occupied with each other. There 
might be other, more subtle dangers lurking on the edges of this 
storyline. Using his power of continuity-vision--a power that neither he 
nor the original Continuity Champ had ever displayed before in spite of 
there being a large number of times when it could have been useful. This 
was another one of this writer's attempts to drop some weird idea in and 
act like it was always there. He made a mental note to retcon this in as 
a secondary mutation triggered by the time jumps.

...Anyway, using the power of continuity vision, he saw another 
net.villain lurking on the sidelines of this plot: Doctor Killfile. The 
new one. She was standing at the controls of some underground machine 
which certainly looked like bad news.

For now, he'd leave the other villains behind and deal with her. His 
mentor had had a history with Doctor Killfile. [See The Cosmic 
Conspiracy] Facing her felt necessary, fated.

What would Continuity Champ have done? Well, he would probably have 
complained about Canadian healthcare and political correctness, 
unfortunately. The other side of that force of will which drove him on 
to battle gods and cosmic evils was a rigid moralistic individualism 
which would go to some really ugly places, whose limitations got clearer 
to his former protege every day. Captain Continuity, had never had that 
certainty, especially after his encounter with the BENDIS had done a 
number on his sense of self. [Beige Countdown #9] In a lot of ways had 
become frustrated by his mentor, the man who inspired him, and trying to 
find a way to define his own legacy. Maybe he'd take on another 
identity, someday. Maybe...

Well, he'd have to think about that when all this was done. Maybe facing 
down someone with such close ties to his own history would help him 
figure it out.

"Hello Captain Continuity!" said a mechanical voice from behind him. 
"Obscure Trivia Lad has arrived!" It was an LNHer who'd been set to 
guard the headquarters, the one member they knew would be immune to the 
virus. Captain Continuity breathed a sigh of relief. OTL was part of his 
past that he felt good about. Most of his mentor's circle had moved on 
and OTL was the only one left, the one Captain Continuity admired the 
most in a certain way, distinguished by quiet heroism which set him 
apart from the clashing egos that had surrounded the Drizztsat.

"Well, I could use your help. It looks like Dr. Killfile is down there. 
The new one. But if she's anything like the old one..."

Obscure Trivia Lad nodded. He didn't have to say anything. It was the 
original Doctor Killfile who had destroyed his original body and 
implanted him in his liquid metal android form. [Cosmic Conspiracy again.]

"Okay, hold on tight!" said Captain Continuity. With Obscure Trivia Lad 
grabbing onto him, he spun himself around and burrowed into the earth, 
coming down to reach her.

"Oh dear. Obscure Trivia Lad is dizzy," said Obscure Trivia Lad as they 
set down in a cave in front of the EastDrill.

The EastDrill's canopy opened and Doctor Killfile floated out. "Ah, so 
you're Captain Continuity," she said. "I always wondered why you thought 
Continuity Champ's legacy was worth carrying on. He seemed boorish, at 
best."


"I mean, you're one to talk," said Captain Continuity. "Why the hell 
would you want to be Doctor Killfile?"

"My reasons are my own," said Doctor Killfile.

"Well, maybe you can explain them after OTL and I have kicked your ass!" 
said Captain Continuity, brandishing his fists.

"I'm afraid that Obscure Trivia Lad won't be helping you," said Doctor 
Killfile, pressing a button on her wristbands.

Obscure Trivia Lad's eyes grew green and he shot out a punch at Captain 
Continuity. "Oh dear," he said. "Someone has implanted devices in 
Obscure Trivia Lad's body that seem to be controlling him. Sorry about 
that."

Captain Continuity ducked and weaved out of the way of OTL's punches as 
Doctor Killfile continued to float on the sidelines, smiling mockingly. 
What was even her deal? He had heard she was some version of Carolyn 
Forge, Doctor Killfile's ex-net.hero scientist daughter, who'd fought 
him a number of times before walking away from the whole thing. 
Bad-Timing Boy had told him all about Teenfactor and that whole mess. It 
didn't seem like she'd dress up in her father's costume and start trying 
to kill LNHers. He assumed that she was probably a Deep Omnilooniverse 
counterpart or something like that.

Sending out his continuity vision, he looked into the twisting and 
turning of her history across time...

No. She was not from a Deep Omnilooniverse world or one of the maybe 
twenty evilverses they'd run across. She was not a clone or a robot 
duplicate. She was not a hoax, a dream, or an imaginary story. She was 
Carolyn Forge, the real one.

He was so shocked that he didn't see the Kill-o-Ray bolt until it hit him.

====

In the lab, Cliche Dude sat bolt upright.

"What happened?" said Dr. Stomper.

"No! It can't be! Captain Continuity... is DEAD!"

====

Is Captain Continuity really dead? Find out next issue! Assuming it's 
not another weird tangent.

Notes:

Thanks to Drew for helping sort out who was where doing what at this 
point. Boy, this story is getting complicated!!