LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 3 #3: "Sequels are Always Worse" [4/6]

[Drew Nilium]

On 11/10/20 1:20 PM, Jeanne Morningstar wrote:
> Then they 
> had it! Combining the powers of Gamer Boy and Deductive Logic Man, they became 
> Adventure Game Puzzle Solving Enby! Who had the power to solve the cat hair 
> moustache puzzle in Gabriel Knight in five seconds without a walkthrough!

X3

> They realized, too late, that they could have just used the powers of 
> Glitch Girl, but unnecessarily overcomplicated solutions to simple problems were 
> a foundational element of both adventure games and Silver Age comics.

It's true! :3 :3 :3

> Occultism Kid nodded. "I can link you up with Doctor Stomper's mind and help him 
> escape,"  he said, "but I'll have to stay here to use illusion magic and fool 
> the system into thinking you're both still there."

Yessss good.

> "You know," said Loquacious Lad, "this scenario has an aura of the distinctly 
> surreal, or unreal, and likely demonic in nature. I wonder if, in fact, we are 
> experiencing a sort of artificial reality or dream state..."
> 
> "We're in an evil virtual reality machine," said Sister State-the-Obvious.
> 
> "Now as I was saying..." said Loquacious Lad. Their whole conversation had gone 
> like this.

X3 X3 X3

> It was one of those times when a minor frustration suddenly drew in all the 
> major frustrations that had been hovering around it that she hadn't known how to 
> put into words and it all snapped into place at once. She thought about how 
> intensely heteronormative the early LNH was. She thought about all the awful 
> lines in otherwise great issues; all the jokes that were based on oppressive 
> thinking that the writers might not even have been aware of but were still 
> there. She thought about Contraption Man, torturing himself with guilt even 
> though Self-Righteous Preacher had literally tortured him with the, however 
> uneasy, approval of many in the Legion. [LNH Triple Play #5]. She thought of 
> just how much frankly abusive behavior the LNH had tolerated for the sake of 
> Comedy.
> 
> And of course, she thought of her ex-husband, who was involved in so much of 
> that. Someone who was frustratingly *almost* good but who kept being drawn back 
> into the same awful behavior patterns, who kept harassing his teammates and 
> making their lives miserable and never faced any consequences.

ahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa @@;;; Yeeeeeeeeah.

> " This is a spare Revampire Amulet I, er, borrowed from my 
> once-lover, Revamp Lass. It will be used to channel the Power Byrne, which 
> through the Flames of Silver Age Female Character Rage will turn her sexy and 
> evil, as happens in every John Byrne run.

GASP!! You fiend

> Mashup Laq transformed themself into a combination of Self-Righteous Preacher 
> and the X-Intruder, the Uncanny X-orcist, and blasted the DNSDaemon with a giant 
> Liefeld squirtgun of holy water.

Another wonderful idea

> Gradually they grew closer to each other in the dance of battle. They came 
> closer and ever closer to making out, just like Nicholas Cage and John Travolta 
> in Face/Off. John Woo's original idea, of course, was that Nicholas Cage and 
> John Travolta were ex-lovers, but the studio intervened. Since this is a 2020 
> netfiction story rather than a 1990s action movie, there was nothing to stop 
> Mashup Laq and DNSDaemon from making out. They threw aside their guns and rolled 
> around together in the heat of passion.

YESSSSSSSSS :D :D :D <# <3 <3

> "Huh," said Mashup Laq, not entirely sure how to feel about what had just 
> happened. "I guess I... won?"

X3

> The flames of the Byrne-power of the amulet consumed Sister State-the-Obvious. 
> When they faded away, she was wearing a kind of red dominatrix outfit. Dr. 
> Stomper had to admit that he could see the appeal of this.
> 
> "Sister State-the-Obvious is no more! I am Sister Sexy, Evil and Mad as Hell!"

 >:D

Drew "fiendish" Nilium