LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #11: "Foo Fight!"
mrfantastic7 at gmail.com
Mon Nov 9 06:12:50 PST 2020
Another LNH Title? Really? #11:
Another tale of Sabertoothic groundwork-laying, by Jeanne Morningstar
Note: the framing sequence of this issue takes place after Hungry,
Hungry Sabertooths! #24. The flashback takes place in late 2019.
"Masterplan Lad," said Chaos Theory, "tell me what you see." They had
taken the form of a giant floating screen with a baby-like face on it.
"Earth-X references? In 2020? Really?" said Masterplan Lad.
"Why not? People are rereading/watching/listening old media they love in
to deal with stuff right now, and time isn't real anymore."
"I suppose not. But we're not on the moon anymore, we're sitting on top
of the Netr.opolis Bandshell."
"I *guess*," said Chaos Theory.
"Well. There's... a significant flow of drama moving toward the
Bandshell. I believe it's coming from Catalyst Lass. Whatever it is that
happens in the end, she seems to be at the heart of it."
"Ah. Yeah, that's been a big Thing with her in this Writer's work. The
thing with her and Token Girl. So how's that been going?"
"Hmm. Let me see. I see... a battle on the planet Mars..."
A fleet of LNH starships, the largest gathered since the Beige Midnight
crisis, surrounded the planet Mars, with the more cosmically-powered
members floating outside.
Since her brief moment of cosmic awareness [Just Another Cascade
#12--Footnote Girl], Catalyst Lass had known the big cosmic threats that
were coming, so she'd reached out and recruited more powerful members of
the LNH to face them. There was Cool S, who wielded the power that was
the embodiment of all the angst and messed-up identity feelings of
teenagers who had ever drawn the Cool S symbol. Their predecessor had
blown up Bittsburgh once but luckily, it came back, just as Canada did
all those times. Bitmask, the cosmic being that was their moirail, also
helped. Finally there was Slasher, a Supermoderator of Webster's World
who was the granddaughter of a legendary net.hero of Earth, who besides
the super-strength and flight powers built into her suit had the power
to wield the combined abilities of any ship drawn at random from her
They and other LNHers had assembled on the planet Mars to face the power
that had come there: the Foo, awe-inspiringly powerful interdimensional
beings who had shaped life on Earth and the architecture of the Usenetverse.
"The... Foo?" said Token Girl.
"Look, the writer is trying to get this issue out as quickly as
possible," said Halls Jordan.
Though she had no cosmic powers, Token Girl was with them too. She
insisted on coming and Cat knew even she couldn't talk her out of it.
Her natural place was by Cat's side. If Catalyst Lass was the Guenivere
of the LNH, the queen who inspired the knights to greatness, than Token
Girl was her first of knights, her champion. But Cat wasn't into her in
that way. Really. She wasn't.
In space, a group of LNHers struggled against the Foo's drone fighters.
"The Foo Fighters?' said Painful Pun Person. "Maybe they should've
called this issue 'Overlong'. Heyo!" The terrible pun shattered several
of their ships to pieces.
On Mars, another team was facing up against their heralds, Cosmic Himbo
and Space Goth GF.
"HUZZAH!" said Cosmic Himbo as he cannonballed on top of Captain
Continuity. Slasher struck at him with the combined cosmic existential
powers of Friedrich Nietzsche/the 2001 Monolith.
Space Goth GF blasted the LNHers with Claremontizing rays of her goth
magical girl staff with black wings, transforming them into Hounds. "Oh
no!" said Cliche Dude. "This is so wrong and yet so right! I feel so
evil, and yet so sexy!"
"God damn it," said Halls Jordan. "Why are there so many spikes on this
thing? This costume is itchy and it's kind of riding up my ass." But he
joined Cliche Dude in attacking the Ultimate Ninja anyway.
"I was doing the whole 'evil goth who turns people into brainwashed
pawns' thing first. [see Just Another Cascade] Loser!" said Merissa,
firing on the two of them.
Space Goth GF tried to Claremontize the Ultimate Ninja too, but with the
power of his ninja mental training he reflected the bolts. Still, she
could tell there was so much hidden beneath the surface of his (her?)
mind, currents of uncertainty beneath the iron-hard resolution. [cf
Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #6 et al. Ultimate Ninja II's Super
Ninjamorpher grants her a psychic ninja shield that conceals her mind
from most telepaths. Incidentally, continuity-aware beings such as
Masterplan Lad, Captain Continuity and myself are aware of her identity
when we are directly working with continuity involved but forget
afterwards--Footnote Girl] She was so distracted by the strangely
attractive ninja that she didn't really notice the exploding bus token
until it knocked her over, breaking her hold on the two net.heroes.
"Damn it!" she said. She saw that Catalyst Lass was standing in the
heart of the power, directing it, a power to match her own.
The rays struck Token Girl, transforming her into a punk with face
paint. "Kill her!" said Space Goth GF.
"You really wanna do that Tara?" Cat said. "I know being evil is fun,
but you you have so much more fun with me."
Token Girl stood between the two of them. There were now two women
fighting for control of her mind, which was a confusing but intriguing
place to be in.
"Look, could you both just... stop this for a bit, this is too much. Uh,
I guess there's not a safeword for superhero fights."
Space Goth GF decided that she would stand down, somewhat surprisingly.
She'd found herself strangely starting to admire the LNHer, with her
intense capital-D Detemrination and her devotion to Cat. She was
intrigued by all these remarkably strange people whose minds she'd
touched, and the bond they shared with each other. In all her existence
as herald of the Foo, no one had ever actually cared about her, except
for her brother. "Damn it!" she said. "Having Cliche Dude's mind under
my control is rendering me susceptible to cliched character motivations!
But I will not have a redemption arc! I will not!"
"You sure?" said Cat. "I mean, being part of the LNH is amazing. There's
so much cool, fun, silly stuff you can do and so many good character
dynamics. That's a lot more fun than just going around outer space
blowing up planets, right?"
"Hmmm..." said Space Goth GF. The air flashed blue as she resisted
Catalyst Lass's catalyzation powers, but in the end she had to give in.
"Brother!" she said to Cosmic Himbo. "We are now fighting with the LNH
against our creators!"
"Oooh!" said Cosmic Himbo. "You know, I had a feeling something like
this was coming. All right then!" He stopped fighting Captain Continuity
and started fighting the drones instead.
"Hold!" echoed an impressively cosmic voice in the air. Three large,
green spectral holographic images appeared. "We are the Foo! We are the
masters of the architecture of Usenet! Long ago, we seeded life on Earth..."
"Now wait," said Nit-Pick Lad. "Hold on just a minute. I thought the
RACCelestials seeded life on Earth."
The Foo leader tapped xyr foot. "...those RACCelestials take credit for
everything! It is we who--"
"And what about the Xinerama Brotherhood from 58.5? I thought they were
the ones who were the cosmic caretakers of Usenet."
"Look," said the Foo. "The Writer didn't have time to get in touch with
Lalo and wanted this issue out quickly, all right? Put it down to
Hypertext-time..." Xe let out a big sigh. "You know what, this part of
the cosmos is too silly. You can keep it." And with that, they vanished
and all their drones shut down.
Cat stood on the part of Mars the Foo had terraformed (right next to the
tripod invader base and the sword-and-planet ruins), looked up into the
stars, and let out a huge sigh of relief. The LNH had pulled through and
defeated a foe of overwhelming power. A lot of that had been down to
her. The decision to bring Nit-Pick Lad to Mars had been the second
thing she remembered from her brush with cosmic awareness.
"You OK, Tara?" she said, wrapping her arms around her friend.
"Yeah." She smiled. "You know, I think I might actually be keeping this
"Oh?" Cat's eyebrows rose upward.
"What, you're not jealous, are you?"
"No, no, of course not. Ha. Just... you've made some dubious
relationship decisions in the past..."
"Nah, I'm not seriously into her. I just... well, I didn't mind the
whole mind control thing because this was a pretty light one-off story.
But I actually did like the way that made me feel, a little bit. The
whole 'getting in touch with parts of yourself you don't normally'
thing. Specifically the gay parts." She took a deep breath. "I'm going
to start dating women."
"Oh?" said Cat. "Thinking of anyone in particular?"
"Well... I'll see if I can help you find someone."
She really did want her friend to be happy, more than anything else in
the world. Her past romantic experiences hadn't exactly helped with
that. Cat wanted to find someone for her who would be absolutely
perfect, who she was sure wouldn't let her down. Her friend deserved the
best. And on her own, even with her impressive grasp of shipping, she
hadn't been able to find just the right person. But maybe, just maybe...
"Goodness, that scene was a mess," said Masterplan Lad. "All those point
of view changes..."
"Yeah well," said Chaos Theory, "the Writer's been trying to compress
like two years' worth of plots they had into a handful of issues. Cut
them some slack. So did she get her a girlfriend?"
"I doubt it," said Masterplan Lad. "The plan seems like the sort that
would easily go horribly wrong. And indeed, it seems it did..."
TO BE CONTINUED IN
LNH V3 #3
"SEQUELS ARE ALWAYS WORSE"
So this was originally the first scene of LNH v3 #3, the emotional hinge
point of a lot of my recent LNH work. It (and the framing sequence) was
self-contained and different enough from the rest of the issue that I
spun it off into its own thing. Funny thing: it was supposed to be a
banged-out-quickly issue but then I didn't think of splitting off this
scene until I was done with the whole thing, and then decided Nit Pick
Lad's appearance was substantial enough I should ask Mark Friedman for
permission! So it took a while. So I could have thought of a decent name
for these aliens, but I won't.
The scene was, of course, a parody of Hickman's Avengers. It was a sort
of weird spinoff of a spinoff to the cascade, but I liked the character
concepts I introduced enough that I kept it. (It also sets up a romantic
complication for Ultimate Ninja II, the first of many.) The Foo are
based on the Builders. Cool S, Bitmask, Slasher, Cosmic Himbo and Space
Goth GF are all based on Hickmanvengers characters: Starbrand,
Nightmask, Smasher, Ex Nihilo and Abyss. They are all Free For Use.
Slash: Romance Without Boundaries is one of the greatest party games of
all time and the pairing here is one of the most memorable ones I played
in it. (I lost to 2001 Monolith/Sam Beckett.) The deck can be found here:
More information about the racc