LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #135: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Eleven
pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu May 28 13:12:46 PDT 2020
On 1/19/2020 4:43 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> "I can't believe I'm agreeing to this,"
> Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats-Lad said, as
> Procrastination Boy ushered him into
> the TV lounge.
> "You've been doing such a great job of
> choosing a new leader every time the last one
> disappears," said the Incredible-Man-With-No-
> Life, "that we thought you'd be perfect for
> determining which one of us gets the remote."
> "Fine," Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats-Lad
> muttered, knuckles scraping against
> velvet as he rummaged around inside his hat.
> "It's...um... Time-Waster Lad."
> "I... I don't know what to say," Time-
> Waster Lad said, as Procrastination Boy
> presented him with the Legion's universal
> remote control. "I propose... that we spend
> the next two hours... watching 'The Big
> Lebowski'... again."
> "*@#$%^! cinematic goodness,"
> Innovative-Offense Boy said, folding one
> heavily-muscled arm over the other.
> "Ordinary Lady left instructions for all
> active Legionnaires to report to the Peril
> "We're hardly active," The Incredible-
> Man-With-No-Life said.
> Innovative-Offense-Boy barked, spewing
> forth a stream of vulgarities so powerful
> that the large, overstuffed couch in the
> center of the television lounge burst
> into flames.
> "Aren't you *@#$%^ coming?" Innovative
> Offense-Boy said, as Time-Waster Lad
> emptied his drink on the sizzling furniture.
> "Next commercial," Time-Waster Lad said.
> "You wouldn't want me to just leave the
> Egyptians without a granary, now would you?"
> "Thank you very much for *@#$%^ coming
> here," Innovative-Offense-Boy said,
> addressing the crowd. "As you know, our
> leader, Ordinary Lady, is currently
> fighting the *@#$%^ villain Mother Time.
> Before she left, however, she told me how
> worried she was that the Legion had never
> become the elite *@#$%^ fighting force
> Ultimate Ninja had always dreamed it
> could be."
> "What do you mean, we're not elite?"
> mumbled Bad-Timing-Boy, his mouth full of
X3 X3 X3
> "I've *&^%$#@ taken care of that,"
> Innovative-Offense-Boy said, pressing a
> Button. A long rectangular panel slid
> open, providing those in attendance with
> a view of the Peril Room. "From now
> on, every Legionnaire is going to
> *@#$%^& fight his or her way through...
> the 36 CHAMBERS OF PERIL!"
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN...
> "And not even the fun kind," said
> Sleeps With-Anything-Alive Girl, who had
> been allowed to return to active service
> during the current crisis.
> "WikiBoy, you'll be in charge of
> supervising the *@#$%^ training,"
> Innovative-Offense-Boy said.
> "Me?" WikiBoy gasped. "But I'm..."
> "...the world's greatest @#$%^&
> martial arts master," Innovative-
> Offense Boy finished. "And don't
> @#$%^! revert until this exercise
> is over."
Love it. <3
> WikiBoy lifted his hands, palms
> outward, toward Sarcastic Lad, who
> flew across the room as though jerked
> backward by wires, crashing headlong
> into the sign that read "SAFETY FIRST!
> NO PERIL ROOM ACCIDENTS FOR _18_ DAYS."
X3 X3 X3
> "What a waste of an afternoon,"
> Ordinary Lady said, parrying a
> swordstroke with one of her sais.
> "At least I'm finally battling a
> worthy opponent."
> "Why, thank you," Mother Time
> said, surveying the battle from an
> Adirondack chair she'd set up in
> the center of her abandoned
> clothing factory.
> "Not you," Ordinary Lady said,
> staring into the eyes of her duplicate.
> "Tell me, are you the Ordinary Lady
> who chose Ultimate Ninja over
> Innovative-Offense Boy, or the
> Ordinary Lady who decided to leave
> the LNH and join the Deadly Serpent
> clan of assassins?"
> "Neither," said the other
> Ordinary Lady, dropping into a
> crouch and lashing out with a kick.
> "I'm the Ordinary Lady who voted for
> Ralph Nader in 2000 and 2004."
Trapped in a binary choice between bad and worse, Ordinary Lady battles not only
against a duplicate of herself, but against a system that blames her for its own
> "Into the valley of Easily-
> Discovered Men rode Easily-Discovered
> Man!" Easily-Discovered Man thundered."
> Easily-Discovered Man to the left of
> him! Easily-Discovered Man to the
> right of him!"
> "That's not important right now,"
> Ripping Dancer said. "Keep your eyes
> closed. In fact, do what I'm doing,
> and use your shirt as a blindfold."
> "That's a brilliant idea," Lite
> said, removing his shirt and looping it
> around his eyes. "Hold on a second.
> Does this mean you're walking around
> "Keep your mind on the mission,
> Lite," Ripping Dancer hissed, inching
> her way around Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy
> Blue, who was battling four copies of
> himself and what looked like an
> enormous hot dog.
> "Are you kidding?" Lite asked. "I
> couldn't possibly keep my... wait! I can!
> I guess there are some advantages to not
> being eighteen any more, after all!"
Yet another astounding back-and-forth. X3
> "He was like a son to me," Steak-and
> Potatoes Man said, sobbing into his gloves.
> "Or at least the best sous-chef I've ever
> had. I was so proud of him when he outgrew
> his role as my sidekick, and even prouder
> when he became leader of the LNH. And now
> he's gone..."
awwwwwwwww! Yes good characterization
> "He says that he's still the deputy
> leader of the LNH, not you, and that with
> Ordinary Lady in the field, you should be
> taking orders from him," Linguist Lass
> "*@#$%^& me," Innovative-Offense Boy
> said. "What does he want now?"
> babbled, flailing his chubby arms as he
> spoke, and Linguist Lass explained what
> he wanted.
> "Oh for *@#$%^& sake," Innovative-
> Offense Boy sighed, picking up the infant
> deputy leader and patting him on the back.
> "BURRRRP!" Adamant-Authority-On-
> Everything said, supremely satisfied.
> "Time heals all wounds... especially
> when someone gives you the power to
> control it," Lite said. "My guess is
> that you sold your soul to Frank, the
> Demon Lord of '70s Memorabilia, who
> wanted you to use the magic scythe and
> hourglass he gave you to transform his
> enchanted '70s costumes into ordinary,
> even stylish-looking clothes -- clothes
> everyday people would be tricked into
> wearing, once you set up your phony
> factory. Frank gets a legion of
> unsuspecting people wearing his
> possessed clothes, you get your friends
> back from the dead..."
> "Who are you supposed to be? Pulls-
> Mother Time said. "My name is Tamela,
> thank you very much. I took the hourglass
> and scythe from the Time Crapper when
> we broke up."
I love the fake origin and the real one. X3
> "Then where did you get the idea
> to sell old clothes as new outfits?"
> Lite asked.
> "From Urban Outfitters," Mother
> Time said. "God, you must be the
> worst super-hero I've ever... what's
> that sound?"
> "That's the sound of your Mirror
> of Possibility crashing like Lindsay
> Lohan on a Monday morning," Ripping
> Dancer said. "Thanks for distracting
> her, Lite."
> "Not that I know of," Lite said. "So
> how did you know that staying blindfolded
> would keep the mirror from producing
> duplicates of us?"
> "I didn't," Ripping Dancer admitted.
> "I just wasn't ready to face the women
> I might have been."
> "Oh," Linguist Lass said. "I'll
> just tap into this new power I have that
> allows everyone in the room to understand
> what everyone else is saying."
> Every eye in the chamber focused
> on Linguist Lass.
> "What?" she asked.
> "You might have *@#$%^& mentioned
> this sooner," Innovative-Offense Boy
> "I like to feel important,"
> Linguist Lass said.
> "As I was saying," WikiBoy said.
> "Hardly any of the Legion is prepared
> for combat duty. In fact, most of them
> are recovering in the medical wing."
> "What?" Ordinary Lady said. "But I
> left orders for them to be trained to
> the utmost levels of physical fitness!"
> "And so they were," WikiBoy said.
> "But many of our members haven't
> experienced a great deal of activity
> for quite some time. In fact, just the
> walk from his office to the Peril Room
> was enough to place Renegade
> Programmer on the disabled list."
This is very good, and I also like what Lalo did with it~
> "See for yourself," Dr. Bad-Bedside
> Manner said. "We've had some trouble
> with the DNA sequencing. When we tried
> to make a duplicate of Ultimate Ninja,
> The Legion's medical expert stepped
> back to reveal what appeared to be an
> enormous black-and-white panda wearing
> a mask and carrying a pair of swords.
> "Rrrr?" Ultimate Panda bleated.
> "Try pouring some *@#$%^& hot water
> on his head," Innovative-Offense Boy
Oh yes and this comes back X3
(DNA sequencing, eh... *takes notes*)
> "*&@#$%^!" he said. "Well, at least
> the building's *@#$%^& automatic
> defenses ought to slow her down for a few
> "You mean the ones that someone just
> aged a year and two weeks -- the precise
> amount of time before our defense systems
> went out of warranty?" WikiBoy asked,
> scanning a nearby computer display.
> "What the *&@#$%^?" Innovative-Offense
> Boy said. "Who the *&^%$# would make
> technology that crapped out after only
> one year of *&^%$#@ use?"
> He stared at the fruit-shaped symbol
> on one of the chamber's iTurrets and
> "It's getting close to midnight,"
> Ordinary Lady said, drawing closer. "Let's
> say goodbye now, just in case we don't see
> each other again."
> "Never *@#$%^^ say that," Innovative-
> Offense Boy said. "No matter what happens,
> no matter where you might go, I will
> @#$%^&* find you. If I have to @#$%^&* up
> Heaven and Hell, if I have to tear my way
> into the &*^%$#@ underworld, grab the devil
> by the @#$%^&*, @#$%^&* his @#$$%^& and
> @#$%^&* down his @$%^&*& throat..."
> "Come now, my fellow Legionnaires,"
> Easily-Discovered Man said, quietly escorting
> the other members of the team from the room.
> "Let us give them this moment together..."
awwwwwwwwwwwww ;-; <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I LOVE IT.
> The walls of Legion of Net.Heroes
> Headquarters shook as the first of Mother
> Time's salvos struck the building. Before
> the Legion's astonished eyes, the white
> corridors and grey blast doors of the
> complex shivered into wood paneling, gas
> Tiffany lamps and angular leather furniture.
> "By Roosevelt's spinning wheels of
> democracy!" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue
> gasped. "She's de-aged the building itself
> back to the days when it was the Net.ropolis
> Grand Hotel."
I love references to the LNHQ's history <3 <3 <3
> "There are more of us than there are of
> her," Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl pointed
> out. "I usually work one-on-one, but we
> could always just overwhelm her with sheer
> "Egad! She is using her weapon to undo
> each of WikiBoy's edits... taking him back
> further and further into his own history!"
> Easily-Discovered Man cried.
> "If she takes him back far enough, she'll
> get past the prohibition that allows only
> LNH members to edit him, and will be able to
> alter him herself," Ordinary Lady said.
That's so cool!
> The woman called Ripping Dancer began to
> gyrate -- slowly at first, and then with
> renewed confidence and grace, her shapely
> figure undulating in time to a steady,
> pulsating rhythm. Cracks opened within
> the sidewalk in front of her, spreading
> to the pavement and knocking Mother Time off
> her feet.
Ripping Dancer has *astonishingly* good and thematic powers.
> Her scythe fired again, and Ripping
> Dancer found her legs spasming out of
> "She's a maniac! A maniac on the floor!"
> cried Easily-Discovered Man Lite, emerging
> from the hotel lobby. "And she's dancing
> like she's never danced before!"
> The two patriotic heroes did, their mouths
> hanging open in unison. The corridor opened
> into a small chapel -- once the exclusive
> domain of the Self-Righteous Preacher, now
> the home of thousands upon thousands of
> fuzzy green kiwis.
> "You can't be *@#$%^& serious," Obnoxious
> Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.
> "Most of them have had *@#$%^& military
> training," Innovative-Offense Boy said.
> "Mother Time seems to be able to react fast
> enough to take out any one of us, maybe any
> dozen of us. But there's no *@#$%^&* way
> she'd be able to stop an army this size."
Hell fucking yes. <3 I love the kiwis so much! I love the LNH so much!!!!
> "There are no tigers in Net.Zealand,"
> Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue chided.
> "Oh, right. That place. Part of
> Alt.stralia, right? Where that guy who
> directed those Dungeons & Dragons movies
> came from?"
> A rustling sound spread through the
> massive flock of kiwis. Innovative-Offense
> Boy slowly backed away from the two Ame.rec.an
I also love this plan. X3
> "Time to wrap this case up," Ordinary Lady
> said, raising a pair of handcuffs over a prone
> Mother Time.
I love that OL's victory was so assured that it happened offscreen.
> "Well, that was rude," Mother Time said.
> "I was expecting more of a WHAT IN THE LIVING
> HELL IS THAT?!!!"
> "KIIIIIIIII-WIIIIII!" cried the onrushing
> tidal wave of kiwis.
> "Hungry!" the infant Adamant-Authority-On
> Everything said.
> "I'll go warm up some formula," Linguist
> Lass said.
> "No! Wait!" Special Bonding Boy said.
> "It's his first order as LNH leader. He wants
> us... to feed the hungry of Net.ropolis."
> "Are you sure about that?" Pulls-Paper-Out
> Of-Hats-Lad said. "Because it seemed like..."
> "Well, nobody knows how to feed the hungry
> better than I do," Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.
> "You heard the, uh, baby! Shake a leg! We've
> got a city to feed!"
This is YET ANOTHER extremely good running gag. :D
> "Do you have any idea whom you're talking to?"
> she said, as the hero continued to maneuver his
> mouse. "I am the woman who just brought the
> Legion of Net.Heroes to its knees! I transformed
> your headquarters into a hotel! I outran a whole
> helluva lot of little green birds! Clawing,
> pecking little green birds..."
> "Whatever," Time Waster Lad said. "The
> question is, how are you at World of Warcraft?"
> Mother Time approached the computer.
> "What is this... World of Warcraft?" she
Goddddddd this is such a good gag and shows Time-Waster Lad's strength.
> "Change! Change! Need change!" screamed
> "I'm not touching this one," Pulls-Paper-
> Out-Of-Hats Boy said.
> "He's right," Special Bonding Boy said.
> "The Legion has always been a reactive
> organization. What if, instead of waiting to
> respond to crises, we took it upon ourselves to
> enact a little social change?"
> "The South Side has been paralyzed by
> gang warfare these past three weeks,"
> Steak-and-Potatoes Man said. "If only there
> was some way to get the two sides talking to
> each other..."
> "Fine," snapped Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats
> Boy, drawing a paper diaper from his hat.
> "Leave me to take care of the nasty stuff.
> I'm getting overtime for this!"
PPOoH Boy indeed.
> "Nice *@#$%^& job," Innovative-Offense
> Boy said, congratulating Time-Waster Lad.
> "You defeated one of the most powerful
> @#$%^&^& this team has ever faced, and you
> did it without ever leaving the @#$%^&
> lounge. You know, you'll probably get a
> *&^%$#@ medal for this."
> "Sure, sure," Time-Waster Lad said.
> "Right after the next commercial."
> "Both of them represent the extremes
> of the Ame.rec.an political spectrum,"
> Dr, Bad-Bedside-Manner mused. "If only
> we could think of something so middle-of
> the-road, so utterly without any kind of
> a firm political stance whatsoever..."
> "Hillary Clinton," Robo-Stomper said.
> Both Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boys
> looked at each other.
> "Can't stand her," they said in unison,
> and merged into one being.
ha ha ha ha
> "And for your work in providing for
> those in need, mediating a truce to end
> the city's violence, and helping to restore
> Net.ropolis' economy and vitality by
> persuading the entire city to take an
> afternoon nap, it is my honor to present
> the keys of this great city to Adamant-
> Authority-On-Everything, perhaps the
> greatest hero this world has ever known."
X3 X3 X3
> "Peace, my diapered ass!" Adamant-
> Authority-On-Everything said. "It's time
> for a new world order, in which the winds of
> democracy will come whistling through the bomb-
> blasted battlefields of Ve.net.zuela. I hereby
> The sun disappeared, as did the red-
> faced leader of the LNH.
> "Whoops," said Easily-Discovered Man
> Lite. "Guess I really ought to be more
> careful with Mother Time's hourglass."
> "Have no fear, your honor," the robot
> Doctor Stomper said. "Things may seem a
> little... unusual, for the moment.
> But everything is under control..."
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN...
(Man, there's so much good foreshadowing in Rob and Arthur's issues.)
Drew "I enjoy the ILC a lot" Nilium
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