LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #135: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Eleven

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu May 28 13:12:46 PDT 2020

On 1/19/2020 4:43 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
>      "I can't believe I'm agreeing to this,"
> Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats-Lad said, as
> Procrastination Boy ushered him into
> the TV lounge.
>      "You've been doing such a great job of
> choosing a new leader every time the last one
> disappears," said the Incredible-Man-With-No-
> Life, "that we thought you'd be perfect for
> determining which one of us gets the remote."


>      "Fine," Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats-Lad
> muttered, knuckles scraping against
> velvet as he rummaged around inside his hat.
> "It's...um... Time-Waster Lad."
>      "I... I don't know what to say," Time-
> Waster Lad said, as Procrastination Boy
> presented him with the Legion's universal
> remote control.  "I propose... that we spend
> the next two hours... watching 'The Big
> Lebowski'... again."


>      "*@#$%^! cinematic goodness,"
> Innovative-Offense Boy said, folding one
> heavily-muscled arm over the other.
> "Ordinary Lady left instructions for all
> active Legionnaires to report to the Peril
> Room."
>      "We're hardly active," The Incredible-
> Man-With-No-Life said.


>      "#@$%^&*!@#$%^&*(!<>?@#%^!!!"
> Innovative-Offense-Boy barked, spewing
> forth a stream of vulgarities so powerful
> that the large, overstuffed couch in the
> center of the television lounge burst
> into flames.


>      "Aren't you *@#$%^ coming?" Innovative
> Offense-Boy said, as Time-Waster Lad
> emptied his drink on the sizzling furniture.
>      "Next commercial," Time-Waster Lad said.
> "You wouldn't want me to just leave the
> Egyptians without a granary, now would you?"

Astounding. X3

>      "Thank you very much for *@#$%^ coming
> here," Innovative-Offense-Boy said,
> addressing the crowd.  "As you know, our
> leader, Ordinary Lady, is currently
> fighting the *@#$%^ villain Mother Time.
> Before she left, however, she told me how
> worried she was that the Legion had never
> become the elite *@#$%^ fighting force
> Ultimate Ninja had always dreamed it
> could be."
>      "What do you mean, we're not elite?"
> mumbled Bad-Timing-Boy, his mouth full of
> cheesecake.

X3 X3 X3

>      "I've *&^%$#@ taken care of that,"
> Innovative-Offense-Boy said, pressing a
> Button.  A long rectangular panel slid
> open, providing those in attendance with
> a view of the Peril Room.  "From now
> on, every Legionnaire is going to
> *@#$%^& fight his or her way through...


>      "And not even the fun kind," said
> Sleeps With-Anything-Alive Girl, who had
> been allowed to return to active service
> during the current crisis.

Yessssss. :D

>      "WikiBoy, you'll be in charge of
> supervising the *@#$%^ training,"
> Innovative-Offense-Boy said.
>      "Me?" WikiBoy gasped.  "But I'm..."
>      "...the world's greatest @#$%^&
> martial arts master," Innovative-
> Offense Boy finished.  "And don't
> @#$%^! revert until this exercise
> is over."

Love it. <3

>      WikiBoy lifted his hands, palms
> outward, toward Sarcastic Lad, who
> flew across the room as though jerked
> backward by wires, crashing headlong
> into the sign that read "SAFETY FIRST!

X3 X3 X3

>      "What a waste of an afternoon,"
> Ordinary Lady said, parrying a
> swordstroke with one of her sais.
> "At least I'm finally battling a
> worthy opponent."
>      "Why, thank you," Mother Time
> said, surveying the battle from an
> Adirondack chair she'd set up in
> the center of her abandoned
> clothing factory.
>      "Not you," Ordinary Lady said,
> staring into the eyes of her duplicate.


> "Tell me, are you the Ordinary Lady
> who chose Ultimate Ninja over
> Innovative-Offense Boy, or the
> Ordinary Lady who decided to leave
> the LNH and join the Deadly Serpent
> clan of assassins?"
>      "Neither," said the other
> Ordinary Lady, dropping into a
> crouch and lashing out with a kick.
> "I'm the Ordinary Lady who voted for
> Ralph Nader in 2000 and 2004."
>      "LIAR!"

Trapped in a binary choice between bad and worse, Ordinary Lady battles not only 
against a duplicate of herself, but against a system that blames her for its own 

>      "Into the valley of Easily-
> Discovered Men rode Easily-Discovered
> Man!" Easily-Discovered Man thundered."
> Easily-Discovered Man to the left of
> him!  Easily-Discovered Man to the
> right of him!"


>      "That's not important right now,"
> Ripping Dancer said.  "Keep your eyes
> closed.  In fact, do what I'm doing,
> and use your shirt as a blindfold."
>      "That's a brilliant idea," Lite
> said, removing his shirt and looping it
> around his eyes.  "Hold on a second.
> Does this mean you're walking around
> topless?"
>      "Keep your mind on the mission,
> Lite," Ripping Dancer hissed, inching
> her way around Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy
> Blue, who was battling four copies of
> himself and what looked like an
> enormous hot dog.
>      "Are you kidding?" Lite asked.  "I
> couldn't possibly keep my... wait!  I can!
> I guess there are some advantages to not
> being eighteen any more, after all!"

Yet another astounding back-and-forth. X3

>      "He was like a son to me," Steak-and
> Potatoes Man said, sobbing into his gloves.
> "Or at least the best sous-chef I've ever
> had. I was so proud of him when he outgrew
> his role as my sidekick, and even prouder
> when he became leader of the LNH.  And now
> he's gone..."

awwwwwwwww! Yes good characterization

>      "He says that he's still the deputy
> leader of the LNH, not you, and that with
> Ordinary Lady in the field, you should be
> taking orders from him," Linguist Lass
> translated.
>      "*@#$%^& me," Innovative-Offense Boy
> said.  "What does he want now?"
>      Adamant-Authority-On-Everything
> babbled, flailing his chubby arms as he
> spoke, and Linguist Lass explained what
> he wanted.
>      "Oh for *@#$%^& sake," Innovative-
> Offense Boy sighed, picking up the infant
> deputy leader and patting him on the back.
>      "BURRRRP!" Adamant-Authority-On-
> Everything said, supremely satisfied.


>      "Time heals all wounds... especially
> when someone gives you the power to
> control it," Lite said.  "My guess is
> that you sold your soul to Frank, the
> Demon Lord of '70s Memorabilia, who
> wanted you to use the magic scythe and
> hourglass he gave you to transform his
> enchanted '70s costumes into ordinary,
> even stylish-looking clothes -- clothes
> everyday people would be tricked into
> wearing, once you set up your phony
> factory.  Frank gets a legion of
> unsuspecting people wearing his
> possessed clothes, you get your friends
> back from the dead..."
>      "Who are you supposed to be?  Pulls-
> Idiotic-Theories-Out-Of-His-Ass-Boy?"
> Mother Time said.  "My name is Tamela,
> thank you very much.  I took the hourglass
> and scythe from the Time Crapper when
> we broke up."

I love the fake origin and the real one. X3

>      "Then where did you get the idea
> to sell old clothes as new outfits?"
> Lite asked.
>      "From Urban Outfitters," Mother
> Time said.  "God, you must be the
> worst super-hero I've ever... what's
> that sound?"
>      "That's the sound of your Mirror
> of Possibility crashing like Lindsay
> Lohan on a Monday morning," Ripping
> Dancer said.  "Thanks for distracting
> her, Lite."


>      "Not that I know of," Lite said. "So
> how did you know that staying blindfolded
> would keep the mirror from producing
> duplicates of us?"
>      "I didn't," Ripping Dancer admitted.
> "I just wasn't ready to face the women
> I might have been."


>      "Oh," Linguist Lass said.  "I'll
> just tap into this new power I have that
> allows everyone in the room to understand
> what everyone else is saying."
>      Every eye in the chamber focused
> on Linguist Lass.
>      "What?" she asked.
>      "You might have *@#$%^& mentioned
> this sooner," Innovative-Offense Boy
> said.
>      "I like to feel important,"
> Linguist Lass said.


>      "As I was saying," WikiBoy said.
> "Hardly any of the Legion is prepared
> for combat duty.  In fact, most of them
> are recovering in the medical wing."
>      "What?" Ordinary Lady said.  "But I
> left orders for them to be trained to
> the utmost levels of physical fitness!"
>      "And so they were," WikiBoy said.
> "But many of our members haven't
> experienced a great deal of activity
> for quite some time.  In fact, just the
> walk from his office to the Peril Room
> was enough to place Renegade
> Programmer on the disabled list."

This is very good, and I also like what Lalo did with it~

>      "See for yourself," Dr. Bad-Bedside
> Manner said.  "We've had some trouble
> with the DNA sequencing.  When we tried
> to make a duplicate of Ultimate Ninja,
> well..."
>      The Legion's medical expert stepped
> back to reveal what appeared to be an
> enormous black-and-white panda wearing
> a mask and carrying a pair of swords.
>      "Rrrr?" Ultimate Panda bleated.
>      "Try pouring some *@#$%^& hot water
> on his head," Innovative-Offense Boy
> advised.

Oh yes and this comes back X3

(DNA sequencing, eh... *takes notes*)

>      "*&@#$%^!" he said.  "Well, at least
> the building's *@#$%^& automatic
> defenses ought to slow her down for a few
> minutes."
>      "You mean the ones that someone just
> aged a year and two weeks -- the precise
> amount of time before our defense systems
> went out of warranty?" WikiBoy asked,
> scanning a nearby computer display.
>      "What the *&@#$%^?" Innovative-Offense
> Boy said.  "Who the *&^%$# would make
> technology that crapped out after only
> one year of *&^%$#@ use?"
>      He stared at the fruit-shaped symbol
> on one of the chamber's iTurrets and
> groaned.

Bwahaha. <3

>      "It's getting close to midnight,"
> Ordinary Lady said, drawing closer.  "Let's
> say goodbye now, just in case we don't see
> each other again."
>      "Never *@#$%^^ say that," Innovative-
> Offense Boy said.  "No matter what happens,
> no matter where you might go, I will
> @#$%^&* find you.  If I have to @#$%^&* up
> Heaven and Hell, if I have to tear my way
> into the &*^%$#@ underworld, grab the devil
> by the @#$%^&*, @#$%^&* his @#$$%^& and
> @#$%^&* down his @$%^&*& throat..."
>      "Come now, my fellow Legionnaires,"
> Easily-Discovered Man said, quietly escorting
> the other members of the team from the room.
> "Let us give them this moment together..."

awwwwwwwwwwwww ;-; <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I LOVE IT.

>      The walls of Legion of Net.Heroes
> Headquarters shook as the first of Mother
> Time's salvos struck the building.  Before
> the Legion's astonished eyes, the white
> corridors and grey blast doors of the
> complex shivered into wood paneling, gas
> Tiffany lamps and angular leather furniture.
>      "By Roosevelt's spinning wheels of
> democracy!" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue
> gasped.  "She's de-aged the building itself
> back to the days when it was the Net.ropolis
> Grand Hotel."

I love references to the LNHQ's history <3 <3 <3

>      "There are more of us than there are of
> her," Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl pointed
> out.  "I usually work one-on-one, but we
> could always just overwhelm her with sheer
> numbers..."

[comment redacted]

>      "Egad!  She is using her weapon to undo
> each of WikiBoy's edits... taking him back
> further and further into his own history!"
> Easily-Discovered Man cried.
>      "If she takes him back far enough, she'll
> get past the prohibition that allows only
> LNH members to edit him, and will be able to
> alter him herself," Ordinary Lady said.

That's so cool!

>      The woman called Ripping Dancer began to
> gyrate -- slowly at first, and then with
> renewed confidence and grace, her shapely
> figure undulating in time to a steady,
> pulsating rhythm.  Cracks opened within
> the sidewalk in front of her, spreading
> to the pavement and knocking Mother Time off
> her feet.

Ripping Dancer has *astonishingly* good and thematic powers.

>      Her scythe fired again, and Ripping
> Dancer found her legs spasming out of
> control.
>      "She's a maniac!  A maniac on the floor!"
> cried Easily-Discovered Man Lite, emerging
> from the hotel lobby.  "And she's dancing
> like she's never danced before!"


>      The two patriotic heroes did, their mouths
> hanging open in unison.  The corridor opened
> into a small chapel -- once the exclusive
> domain of the Self-Righteous Preacher, now
> the home of thousands upon thousands of
> fuzzy green kiwis.
>      "You can't be *@#$%^& serious," Obnoxious
> Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.
>      "Most of them have had *@#$%^& military
> training," Innovative-Offense Boy said.
> "Mother Time seems to be able to react fast
> enough to take out any one of us, maybe any
> dozen of us.  But there's no *@#$%^&* way
> she'd be able to stop an army this size."

Hell fucking yes. <3 I love the kiwis so much! I love the LNH so much!!!!

>      "There are no tigers in Net.Zealand,"
> Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue chided.
>      "Oh, right.  That place.  Part of
> Alt.stralia, right?  Where that guy who
> directed those Dungeons & Dragons movies
> came from?"
>      A rustling sound spread through the
> massive flock of kiwis.  Innovative-Offense
> Boy slowly backed away from the two Ame.rec.an
> heroes.

I also love this plan. X3

>      "Time to wrap this case up," Ordinary Lady
> said, raising a pair of handcuffs over a prone
> Mother Time.

I love that OL's victory was so assured that it happened offscreen.

>      "Well, that was rude," Mother Time said.
> "I was expecting more of a WHAT IN THE LIVING
>      "KIIIIIIIII-WIIIIII!" cried the onrushing
> tidal wave of kiwis.


>      "Hungry!" the infant Adamant-Authority-On
> Everything said.
>      "I'll go warm up some formula," Linguist
> Lass said.
>      "No!  Wait!" Special Bonding Boy said.
> "It's his first order as LNH leader.  He wants
> us... to feed the hungry of Net.ropolis."
>      "Are you sure about that?" Pulls-Paper-Out
> Of-Hats-Lad said.  "Because it seemed like..."
>      "Well, nobody knows how to feed the hungry
> better than I do," Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.
> "You heard the, uh, baby!  Shake a leg!  We've
> got a city to feed!"

This is YET ANOTHER extremely good running gag. :D
>      "Do you have any idea whom you're talking to?"
> she said, as the hero continued to maneuver his
> mouse.  "I am the woman who just brought the
> Legion of Net.Heroes to its knees!  I transformed
> your headquarters into a hotel!  I outran a whole
> helluva lot of little green birds!  Clawing,
> pecking little green birds..."
>      "Whatever," Time Waster Lad said.  "The
> question is, how are you at World of Warcraft?"
>      Mother Time approached the computer.
>      "What is this... World of Warcraft?" she
> asked.

Goddddddd this is such a good gag and shows Time-Waster Lad's strength.

>      "Change!  Change!  Need change!" screamed
> Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
>      "I'm not touching this one," Pulls-Paper-
> Out-Of-Hats Boy said.
>      "He's right," Special Bonding Boy said.
> "The Legion has always been a reactive
> organization.  What if, instead of waiting to
> respond to crises, we took it upon ourselves to
> enact a little social change?"
>      "The South Side has been paralyzed by
> gang warfare these past three weeks,"
> Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.  "If only there
> was some way to get the two sides talking to
> each other..."

Mwahahaha. X3

>      "Fine," snapped Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats
> Boy, drawing a paper diaper from his hat.
> "Leave me to take care of the nasty stuff.
> I'm getting overtime for this!"

PPOoH Boy indeed.

>      "Nice *@#$%^& job," Innovative-Offense
> Boy said, congratulating Time-Waster Lad.
> "You defeated one of the most powerful
> @#$%^&^& this team has ever faced, and you
> did it without ever leaving the @#$%^&
> lounge.  You know, you'll probably get a
> *&^%$#@ medal for this."
>     "Sure, sure," Time-Waster Lad said.
> "Right after the next commercial."


>      "Both of them represent the extremes
> of the Ame.rec.an political spectrum,"
> Dr, Bad-Bedside-Manner mused.  "If only
> we could think of something so middle-of
> the-road, so utterly without any kind of
> a firm political stance whatsoever..."
>      "Hillary Clinton," Robo-Stomper said.
>      Both Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boys
> looked at each other.
>      "Can't stand her," they said in unison,
> and merged into one being.

ha ha ha ha


>      "And for your work in providing for
> those in need, mediating a truce to end
> the city's violence, and helping to restore
> Net.ropolis' economy and vitality by
> persuading the entire city to take an
> afternoon nap, it is my honor to present
> the keys of this great city to Adamant-
> Authority-On-Everything, perhaps the
> greatest hero this world has ever known."

X3 X3 X3

>      "Peace, my diapered ass!" Adamant-
> Authority-On-Everything said.  "It's time
> for a new world order, in which the winds of
> democracy will come whistling through the bomb-
> blasted battlefields of Ve.net.zuela.  I hereby
> declare..."
>      The sun disappeared, as did the red-
> faced leader of the LNH.
>      "Whoops," said Easily-Discovered Man
> Lite.  "Guess I really ought to be more
> careful with Mother Time's hourglass."

Mwahahaha. :D

>      "Have no fear, your honor," the robot
> Doctor Stomper said.  "Things may seem a
> little... unusual, for the moment.
> But everything is under control..."


(Man, there's so much good foreshadowing in Rob and Arthur's issues.)

Drew "I enjoy the ILC a lot" Nilium

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