LNH20: Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #22

[Drew Nilium]

Continuity note: This story takes place after the LNH moves back to the LNHQ.
Er, whenever in continuity that is.

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High atop the mast of a pirate ship on a storm sea, sail flapping in the intense
wind, thunder booming overhead! On one side stands the cunning humanoid ocelot
woman known as Pantra, dressed in a strategically ripped 18th-century 
midshipman's outfit and wielding a rapier! On the other, the blue-skinned
aquatic vampire monarch, Princess Caramella, dressed a strategically ripped
wedding dress in shades of red and wielding a cutlass!

"So!" said Pantra, shouting to be heart over the wind and rain. "This is to be
our final sexy battle!" She held out her blade, the force of the tempest lashing
her outfit against her form!

"Yes!" said Princess Caramella, holding her sword out with one hand, bending low
in a wuxia pose. "The sole victory goes to whoever dophinishes on top!"

As one, they sprung forward into battle, swords clashing even though that
doesn't make sense and the cutlass would just break the rapier, right? But
nevertheless, they battled, looking into each other's eyes with passionate
determination, chests heaving with effort, locked in a deadly tango that left no
room for Jesus!

"Ho! Ha! Parry! Thrust!" Pantra spun, turned on a dime and leapt, hot-blooded
feline reflexes carrying her into the thick of it!

"Float like a butterfish, sting like a ray!" Princess Caramella executed an
elegant twist, spinning the wrist, blade dancing and shimmering!

They whirled past each other, a breath apart, the edges of their outfits
caressing each other, then turned and thrust as one, blades meeting, bodies
leaning in, staring defiantly into each other's eyes, faces so close they could
feel each other's hot breath!

Swoosh! Several feet away from the mast, a door of glowing light opened in the
middle of the wind and rain. Asma Abdul, AKA the prodigious Powerpoint
Transition Lass, stepped thru-- "Like, whoa!"

Princess Caramella and Pantra pushed off of each other, and each took two steps
back. "Peril Room!" called out Pantra, mouth in a confident smirk and not taking
her eyes off the Princess. "Pause scenario!"

The rain and ship and waves froze, and Asma found herself standing on what
*looked* like thin air but *felt* like metal tile. "Er..." She looked up at the
two contenders, who were panting with exertion, virtual water dripping from their
outfits, and felt her own temperature rise. "Hey, Princess, didn't know you were
visiting, far out... what's, uh, what's up in here?"

Princess Caramella gave Asma a confident smile that highlighted her single large
fang, and wiped the sweat off her brow. "We're shellebrating the finale of She-
Ra with a cutthroat battle!"

"A super sexy one!" said Panta, holding her sword lazy to the side, tip
twitching in time with her tail.

"Oh. Uh." Asma eyed one, then the other. "Well, you're, um, you both look
totally righteous, but... have either of you ever actually watched the show?"

"Nope!" said Pantra cheerfully.

"Never," said Princess Caramella firmly.

"I just know it's about a sword princess fighting a cat lady and people think
they should kiss!" Pantra declared, grinning at Princess Caramella and getting a
grin right back.

"Oh like radical," murmured Asma, ears burning. "Um..." A sudden thought struck
her. "But Princess, not to pry, but is your wife okay with--"

A subtle but noticeable 'ahem' reached Asma's ears. She turned, and in midair,
saw Explain-the-Joke Lass, Princess Caramella's wife, relaxing on a lawn chair,
munching popcorn, avidly watching even tho her glasses were completely fogged
up.

Explain-the-Joke Lass swallowed and said, simply, "I ship it."

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Author's Note: I also have never watched She-Ra. X3 I probably should.

Drew "gay gay GAY gay gay" Nilium