LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #129: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Five
pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon May 18 16:49:05 PDT 2020
On 11/24/2019 4:19 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> LNH Comics Presents #43 is by me, Arthur Spitzer. Finally! A true hero to take the
> reigns of the LNH! To sweep away all the scum, perverts, and left-wing degenerates!
It is super weird to me that that's a word people actually try to use.
> Look at the hourglass.
> Watch the sand grains fall.
This is a really good, affecting opening.
> That grain over there? That's 1992. Look closely into it. An epic
> battle is taking place. Continuity's Champion is battered and broken.
> He struggles to get up and stop The Queen. He has the power to move
> worlds. To move storylines. But the battle has worn him and it takes
> everything for him to just stand up. And The Queen is towering over him
> laughing. A power called the Crossover Gem pulsates in her hand flaring
> like a million suns. She readies herself to deliver the deathblow. To
> snuff out the life of this hero and begin her reign as Queen of the
> Looniverse. A cruel reign that will last 16 years until an even greater
> force wipes her out.
More setup for Beige Countdown/Midnight! I love it!
> But it doesn't happen. Time bends. She is hit with a blast of pure
> time. A cloaked figure wrestles her for control of the gem. The
> cloaked figure starts to burn alive as the gem's power crackles through
> his body. A button is pushed. And Reality is Flushed away.
I had seriously not looked at the original Cry.sig in this light before - but
it's a really compelling take.
> That? That is Tomorrow. And there I am. The Pre-(Just Imagine...
> Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja
> Gorillas!)Time Crapper or if you prefer Post-(Just Imagine Saxon Brenton
> Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!)Time Crapper.
Yesssss. :D And fertile ground for my purposes, mwahaha...
> As they got close to the door of the LNH Leader's Office Sarcastic Lad's
> hand hesitated as it reached the knob. "Oh god. Can't do it. I don't
> know if I can handle the horrible ugly unfettered truth. I might
> forever lose faith in the process of deciding leaders by pulling papers
> out of hats.
I love how this characterization is not just "makes sarcastic jokes", but "is
sarcastic in the process of expressing other emotions too".
> "You can surrender yourself into custody, Ripping Dancer. You're a
> suspect in the disappearances of Fearless Leader, Irony Man, and the
> rest of the vanishing LNH'rs. I plan to interrogate you and find out
> the truth."
Gosh I hate him.
> Ripping Dancer made another twirl, which caused
> the Preacher's suspenders to rip apart letting his pants drop down.
Now *this* is the kind comedic humiliation that works for me. :D
> "This is not a joke, Sarcastic Lad! You helped a suspect escape
> custody. As far as I'm concerned, that makes you a part of this evil
> vanishing LNH'r plot. You are going to jail for obstructing justice!"
> "Cool! My plan worked."
> "Plan? What in the Devil's name are you blabbering about?"
> "My plan to get out of LNH Storage Inventory duty. Now I can just lie
> back in a nice cozy prison cell and read some letters from sexy females
> who are hot to trot for guys behind bars. Damn, I'm smart."
I love it so much. X3 <3
> "This must be -- Yes!
> Then this must be reverse-reverse psychology!! You're trying to trick
> me into thinking I shouldn't put you in jail -- because -- because --
> Because you want me to put you in jail! Hah! Who's the clever one now,
> Sarcastic Lad?"
> "Hey, WikiBoy. Got some bad news. You've got two straight months of
> LNH Storage Inventory duty." Sarcastic Lad handed WikiBoy a clipboard.
> "Sorry, bud." With that Sarcastic Lad patted WikiBoy on the head and
> whistled a tune has he made his exit.
Hmmmm... yep, even under Arthur's pen, not a fan.
> "You forget, I am the leader now. And what I say goes. And don't worry
> about the missing LNH'rs. God will help us find them. Well, as long as
> we refrain from sinful activities like dealing with the occult that is.
I hate him soooooo much
> Dr. Stomper sighed to himself. "And there's also something else. A
> problem I noticed a couple of hours ago. It's 8:26."
> "Yes? And the problem with that is?"
> "A couple of hours ago it was 8:25."
I like this as a comedic premise, tho. It's interesting that it's so different
from the similar Catalyst Lass one.
> Right above him stood the leader of the cult. The cult leader's hands
> held a severed goat's head dripping with blood. The blood dripped down
> onto the body of the komodo dragon. The rest of the cultists were
> chanting 'Separation of Church and State' over and over again.
> "You are no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon. You are
> no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!! No. You are now
> and forever -- Eggplant the Spring Festival Komodo Dragon!! You shall
> become a beloved icon for all the children of the world -- not just the
> Christian children -- who can be safely displayed in any public school.
> Yes. Hindu children. Moslem children. Buddhist children. Even
> Atheist children. And..."
I like the emphasis on the ridiculous reasonability of the blood cultists' demands.
> "And there will also be economic and political consequences to this.
> Our world revolves around time. People get paid salaries calculated
> from time served. And time also dictates how long politicians and other
> government officials can serve in office.
I wonder how such things shook out during and after Infinite April.
> "No. I can't -- I don't -- I don't want to be leader. I don't want to
> disappear. I don't want this. I'm scared by this -- what's happening."
> <<Yes, Tara. I know. But you should know by now that it's not about
> what you want. No, Tara. It's about what I want. You should try and
> remember that.>>
DUN DUN DUNNNN...
> The voice belongs to a lovely twenty-ish girl with a punkish purple
> streak in her black hair and a ring piercing her cute little nose.
> She's going to rip out my heart tomorrow and I won't be able to stop
> her. It's silly. Why do we let love destroy us? Why can't we stop it
> as it consumes us?
I must hug the Time Crapper.
> "Big Whoop. I want to see what next week's lottery numbers are. I want
> to be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Have a big mansion with tons of
> servants." She laughs, "And maybe my own male harem. Who knows?"
> "And you can have all that. You can have anything you want." And I lie
> to her. You can't have everything you want. No matter how much power
> you have. I can't make her care for me. I can't make her love me. All
> I can do is let her use me. That's the best I can have.
I MUST HUG THE TIME CRAPPER!!! *tries to charge forward but is wrestled back by
> And then the
> Preacher's eyes just stopped at one of the names. You, the Preacher
> thought to himself. You thought I had forgotten you. But no. I never
> forget. But now? Now you're going to pay for all of the evil you have
> committed. Yes. Finally. It's all going to end. You can't escape it.
> No. I'm coming for you.
> And the Preacher grabbed a piece of chalk and circled the name. A name
> that simply said: The Slobbering Grue!
> "Umm. Okay, but -- uhh -- I think he may be dead, Self-Righteous," Kid
> Recap said trying to bring a little sanity to this big LNH meeting the
> Preacher had called. "You see last year in the whole 'Just Imagine
> Saxon Brenton Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!' Crossover thingee the
> Crossover Queen blasted the city of Espanola, Net.Mexico with a reality
> ray killing everyone in that city. There were no survivors."
> "Yes. I know about that. But what you don't realize, Kid Recap, is
> that a month before that horrible tragedy happened all of the important
> members of the JONG cast were secretly relocated to the almost
> identically named city of Espayola, Net.Mexico."
> "Lucky for them," yawned Sarcastic Lad.
> "Umm -- Where are you getting this info from?" asked a puzzled Kid Recap.
> "No. He's right," said a man by the name of Arthur Spitzer who had been
> sitting in the back row. "Yep. That's what happened all right."
heehehee <3 <3 <3 I love it.
> "I'd like to thank you for helping us, Mr. Spitzer. We are very
> grateful," said a very appreciative Self-Righteous Preacher.
> "No, prob. Oh..." The mysterious being named Arthur Spitzer looked at
> his watch, "Gotta go. Still have to write the rest of this story." And
> with that he vanished. Mysteriously.
> "Oh brother," Fourth Wall Lass said rolling her eyes.
Bwahaha. :D <3 Cowards take the easy way of "creating understandable ways to
know facts and naturalistic methods of conveying exposition"! Only the bravest
authors pop in for a quick chat with the characters!!
> Self-Righteous wondered why Building Suspense Lad was escorting him
> through a hospital. Had the Grue! wounded some of his fellow LNH'rs?
> Why was Building Suspense Lad being silent about all this?
> There was a hospital bed. And on that bed was a short green toad like
> creature lying on it oblivious to the world hooked up to tubes and wires.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
> The hospital attendant who was monitoring the Slobbering Grue!'s life
> signs answered him. "He and a couple of buddies were filming video
> footage for this website --
> www.stupididiotsdoingstupididioticstunts.com. Their plan was for Mr.
> Slobbering Grue! to catch an ice cream truck falling from a ten story
> building -- with his tongue -- but sadly the stunt didn't quite work out
> and now --" The hospital attendant looked with a very serious expression
> at the patient, "And now? He's in a coma -- and completely brain dead."
> "Are you sure he wasn't completely brain dead before this happened? I
> mean -- I'm just saying..." asked Sarcastic Lad.
> The Preacher glared at Sarcastic Lad
No, it's a reasonable question.
> and then asked his own question.
> "So what is to become of him now?"
> The hospital attendant formed an even more serious expression on his
> face. "There's no hope for recovery. We're going to unplug him from
> life support tomorrow."
> "No!" the Preacher gasped. "That's murder! You can't do that to him --
> even if he is a totally corrupt and evil beast. All life is sacred!"
Yesssss, going for the jugular with satire
> I want you to ask yourself as you look at this
> unfortunate person -- this greenish toad like person -- do you have it
> in you to murder him? To squash the life right out of him? This is an
> important question. Perhaps the most important question you'll ever
> "Certainly more important than this whole Iraq War thing," shouted
> Sarcastic Lad from the way back row.
That seems to have been an astonishingly easy decision for the vast majority of
2003-era Congress, unfortunately.
> Ignoring him Bill Frist continued. "Yes, I know I'm not a Senator
> anymore so I'm not really sure why I'm speaking to you right now.
> Look at his eyes blinking! He's
> trying to communicate with us! But he doesn't know Morse code! But if
> he did he would use it right now to tell us he wants to live! Are we
> going to condemn a man just because he doesn't know Morse code? Are we?
> How about we just round up everybody who doesn't know Morse code and
> put them into concentration camps and gas chambers?
God, I love when Arthur just goes super hardcore on spinning out a ridiculous
chain of logic.
> "Get this man out of here! Get him the hell out of here!! How did he
> get in here in the first place?!!!" said Bill Frist as he waved his
> hands wildly in the air. Eventually Capital security hauled Sarcastic
> Lad away.
TBH I'm surprised he didn't receive a lifetime ban during the Clinton
> I look at my hourglass. And then at her. I should leave her. I could
> avoid my fate. Just always avoid the day I die. She doesn't love me.
> But. There's always this hope that I'm wrong. That she won't kill me.
> That I won't die. That she'll eventually love me like I love her. It
> will all work out. I can change. She can change. Time can change.
> But it doesn't work that way.
> I know.
> I am fool.
> And the boiling kettle of rage that was the Preacher just watched him
> go. "This was a scam? This was a scam!! I will hunt you down. I will
> -- I will. Chains!! Locked away in a cell!! Iron Pipes!!! Get you!!!
> GET YOU!!! HUNT YOU -- HUNT YOU DOWN!!! All over the Earth!!! I --
> I will..." And as the Preacher shook his fist in the air, Two thousand
> miles away the clock in the LNHHQ struck midnight once again. And the
> Preacher vanished.
> And there she is. Lying on the street corner. Dead.
> Are you shocked?
> Do you think I'm a horrible person for killing her?
> Yes. Yes I am. I'm evil. I'm a disgusting evil thing.
EVEN NOW I WANT TO HUG.
> I need to go somewhere else.
> To the future?
> To the past.
> Always to the past.
> You can think of this as JONG #6 if you want since I probably won't be
> writing that anytime soon. This will probably be the last Slobbering
> Grue! story I ever write. Just don't feel like I have anything more to
> say about this character.
For the record, I'm super happy Arthur wrote JONG #69.
> The Time Crapper stuff and its tone seem slightly out of place here.
> But oh well.
Honestly, I love the fact that this cosmic tragedy was happening out of sight of
the "main" characters and they never even knew it.
> "You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad," repeated Pulls-Paper-Out-
> Of-Hats Lad.
> "But he's not..." began Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
> "Not a classic character?" asked Sister-State-The-Obvious. "Not
> someone who's been around since the Cosmic Plot Device Caper?"
> "I was about to say: he's not the type of iconic person of the
> quality that you'd expect for a leader of the Legion," Adamant-Authority-
> On-Everything said pointedly.
Oh man, we haven't even gotten started.
> "I think Limp-Asparagus Lad was right about the LNH leadership
> currently being about keeping the team running while the researchers
> try to solve the problem. For the moment the leaders are expendable."
> You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad smiled and gestured expansively.
> "I'm willing to play the part of being expendable."
I like him. <3
> You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad gave him an unreadable glance
> before saying, "Tell you what guys, how about I start off by rescinding
> *everything* that Self-Righteous Preacher did yesterday?" This brought a
> ragged cheer from the others.
> Thwarting the fifth columnist plans of a squad of Al-Qaeda Amerika
> operatives (yes, they were still about and still making trouble).
This was a good attempt at throwing back to Golden Age comic book tropes, but
extremely unfortunately, it turns out that the real fascists were inside us all
> just after lunch Doctor Glockenspiel had returned.
> This time Dr G. had arrived with a tank-like glockenspiel and had tried
> to destroy the LNH-HQ with its sonic attack,
X3 X3 X3
> "No, you villain!" yelled You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad as
> he struck an arms akimbo pose. "Fight me instead!"
*heroic musical sting!*
> The Chuggernaut threw an unbroached keg at the Legionnaire, which
> struck YNHMHELad with a resounding KA-THUNNNGGG!!! and sent him
> flying. The Chuggernaut turned back to his beer swilling, little
> appreciating that the harder you hit You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
> Lad the stronger he got,
> so that Chuggernaut didn't see the incoming
> car that YNHMHELad threw at him until it hit Chuggernaut in the back
> of the head.
> "Surrender villain!" called You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad,
> who by this time was as high as a kite from all the endorphins that the
> impact from Chuggernaut's punches were releasing into his bloodstream.
> "All your badly scripted dialog and poorly drawn hyperthyroid musculature
> can't defend you against the forces of justice!"
I love the dialog! :D
> you never actually said why. What's so important about him being able
> to spin around freely without being controlled by the spell caster?"
> "I wanna test a theory," You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad
> smiled. And to demonstrate, he gave the Chuggernaut a full strength
> punch in the face.
> The villain spun backwards, head over heels at high speed. And,
> as You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad had been secretly hoping, he
> didn't have a stomach for vertigo. "Ahhh... Stop... Pleaf... Ahhh, hurk,
> urf, BLUUEERRRKKK!!!"
Oh, dear lord X3;
> "Aww, YUCK!" went everybody. Well, everybody except You're-Not-
> Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, who was still far too hyped up for his own
> good, and who punched his fists in the air and yelled, "Aww, KEWL!"
omg I love him
> "And from now on," Fuzzy told YNHMHELad sternly, "You either get
> to plan a campaign, or take part in one, but not both!"
Drew "what a teen boy" Nilium
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