LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #129: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Five

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon May 18 16:49:05 PDT 2020

On 11/24/2019 4:19 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> LNH Comics Presents #43 is by me, Arthur Spitzer.  Finally!  A true hero to take the
> reigns of the LNH!  To sweep away all the scum, perverts, and left-wing degenerates!

It is super weird to me that that's a word people actually try to use.

> Look at the hourglass.
> Watch the sand grains fall.

This is a really good, affecting opening.

> That grain over there?  That's 1992.   Look closely into it.  An epic
> battle is taking place.  Continuity's Champion is battered and broken.
> He struggles to get up and stop The Queen.  He has the power to move
> worlds.  To move storylines.  But the battle has worn him and it takes
> everything for him to just stand up.  And The Queen is towering over him
> laughing.  A power called the Crossover Gem pulsates in her hand flaring
> like a million suns.  She readies herself to deliver the deathblow.  To
> snuff out the life of this hero and begin her reign as Queen of the
> Looniverse.  A cruel reign that will last 16 years until an even greater
> force wipes her out.

More setup for Beige Countdown/Midnight! I love it!

> But it doesn't happen.  Time bends.  She is hit with a blast of pure
> time.  A cloaked figure wrestles her for control of the gem.  The
> cloaked figure starts to burn alive as the gem's power crackles through
> his body.  A button is pushed.  And Reality is Flushed away.

I had seriously not looked at the original Cry.sig in this light before - but 
it's a really compelling take.

> That?  That is Tomorrow.  And there I am.  The Pre-(Just Imagine...
> Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja
> Gorillas!)Time Crapper or if you prefer Post-(Just Imagine Saxon Brenton
> Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!)Time Crapper.

Yesssss. :D And fertile ground for my purposes, mwahaha...

> As they got close to the door of the LNH Leader's Office Sarcastic Lad's
> hand hesitated as it reached the knob.  "Oh god.  Can't do it.  I don't
> know if I can handle the horrible ugly unfettered truth.  I might
> forever lose faith in the process of deciding leaders by pulling papers
> out of hats.

I love how this characterization is not just "makes sarcastic jokes", but "is 
sarcastic in the process of expressing other emotions too".

> "You can surrender yourself into custody, Ripping Dancer.  You're a
> suspect in the disappearances of Fearless Leader, Irony Man, and the
> rest of the vanishing LNH'rs.  I plan to interrogate you and find out
> the truth."

Gosh I hate him.

> Ripping Dancer made another twirl, which caused
> the Preacher's suspenders to rip apart letting his pants drop down.

Now *this* is the kind comedic humiliation that works for me. :D

> "This is not a joke, Sarcastic Lad!  You helped a suspect escape
> custody.  As far as I'm concerned, that makes you a part of this evil
> vanishing LNH'r plot.  You are going to jail for obstructing justice!"
> "Cool!  My plan worked."
> "Plan?  What in the Devil's name are you blabbering about?"
> "My plan to get out of LNH Storage Inventory duty.  Now I can just lie
> back in a nice cozy prison cell and read some letters from sexy females
> who are hot to trot for guys behind bars.  Damn, I'm smart."

I love it so much. X3 <3

> "This must be -- Yes!
> Then this must be reverse-reverse psychology!!  You're trying to trick
> me into thinking I shouldn't put you in jail -- because -- because --
> Because you want me to put you in jail!  Hah!  Who's the clever one now,
> Sarcastic Lad?"


> "Hey, WikiBoy.  Got some bad news.  You've got two straight months of
> LNH Storage Inventory duty."  Sarcastic Lad handed WikiBoy a clipboard.
>    "Sorry, bud."  With that Sarcastic Lad patted WikiBoy on the head and
> whistled a tune has he made his exit.

Hmmmm... yep, even under Arthur's pen, not a fan.

> "You forget, I am the leader now.  And what I say goes.  And don't worry
> about the missing LNH'rs.  God will help us find them.  Well, as long as
> we refrain from sinful activities like dealing with the occult that is.

I hate him soooooo much

> Dr. Stomper sighed to himself.  "And there's also something else.  A
> problem I noticed a couple of hours ago.  It's 8:26."
> "Yes?  And the problem with that is?"
> "A couple of hours ago it was 8:25."

I like this as a comedic premise, tho. It's interesting that it's so different 
from the similar Catalyst Lass one.

> Right above him stood the leader of the cult.  The cult leader's hands
> held a severed goat's head dripping with blood.  The blood dripped down
> onto the body of the komodo dragon.  The rest of the cultists were
> chanting 'Separation of Church and State' over and over again.


> "You are no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon.  You are
> no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!  No.  You are now
> and forever -- Eggplant the Spring Festival Komodo Dragon!!  You shall
> become a beloved icon for all the children of the world -- not just the
> Christian children -- who can be safely displayed in any public school.
>    Yes.  Hindu children.  Moslem children.  Buddhist children.  Even
> Atheist children.  And..."

I like the emphasis on the ridiculous reasonability of the blood cultists' demands.

> "And there will also be economic and political consequences to this.
> Our world revolves around time.  People get paid salaries calculated
> from time served.  And time also dictates how long politicians and other
> government officials can serve in office.

I wonder how such things shook out during and after Infinite April.

> "No.  I can't -- I don't -- I don't want to be leader.  I don't want to
> disappear.  I don't want this.  I'm scared by this -- what's happening."
> <<Yes, Tara.  I know.  But you should know by now that it's not about
> what you want.  No, Tara.  It's about what I want.  You should try and
> remember that.>>


> The voice belongs to a lovely twenty-ish girl with a punkish purple
> streak in her black hair and a ring piercing her cute little nose.
> She's going to rip out my heart tomorrow and I won't be able to stop
> her.  It's silly.  Why do we let love destroy us?  Why can't we stop it
> as it consumes us?

I must hug the Time Crapper.

> "Big Whoop.  I want to see what next week's lottery numbers are.  I want
> to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.  Have a big mansion with tons of
> servants."  She laughs, "And maybe my own male harem.  Who knows?"
> "And you can have all that.  You can have anything you want."  And I lie
> to her.  You can't have everything you want.  No matter how much power
> you have.  I can't make her care for me.  I can't make her love me.  All
> I can do is let her use me.  That's the best I can have.

I MUST HUG THE TIME CRAPPER!!! *tries to charge forward but is wrestled back by 

> And then the
> Preacher's eyes just stopped at one of the names.  You, the Preacher
> thought to himself.  You thought I had forgotten you.  But no.  I never
> forget.  But now?  Now you're going to pay for all of the evil you have
> committed.  Yes.  Finally.  It's all going to end.  You can't escape it.
>    No.  I'm coming for you.
> And the Preacher grabbed a piece of chalk and circled the name.  A name
> that simply said: The Slobbering Grue!

yessssssss :D

> "Umm.  Okay, but -- uhh -- I think he may be dead, Self-Righteous," Kid
> Recap said trying to bring a little sanity to this big LNH meeting the
> Preacher had called.  "You see last year in the whole 'Just Imagine
> Saxon Brenton Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!' Crossover thingee the
> Crossover Queen blasted the city of Espanola, Net.Mexico with a reality
> ray killing everyone in that city.  There were no survivors."
> "Yes.  I know about that.  But what you don't realize, Kid Recap, is
> that a month before that horrible tragedy happened all of the important
> members of the JONG cast were secretly relocated to the almost
> identically named city of Espayola, Net.Mexico."
> "Lucky for them," yawned Sarcastic Lad.
> "Umm -- Where are you getting this info from?" asked a puzzled Kid Recap.
> "No.  He's right," said a man by the name of Arthur Spitzer who had been
> sitting in the back row.  "Yep.  That's what happened all right."

heehehee <3 <3 <3 I love it.

> "I'd like to thank you for helping us, Mr. Spitzer.  We are very
> grateful," said a very appreciative Self-Righteous Preacher.
> "No, prob.  Oh..." The mysterious being named Arthur Spitzer looked at
> his watch, "Gotta go.  Still have to write the rest of this story."  And
> with that he vanished.  Mysteriously.
> "Oh brother," Fourth Wall Lass said rolling her eyes.

Bwahaha. :D <3 Cowards take the easy way of "creating understandable ways to 
know facts and naturalistic methods of conveying exposition"! Only the bravest 
authors pop in for a quick chat with the characters!!

> Self-Righteous wondered why Building Suspense Lad was escorting him
> through a hospital.  Had the Grue! wounded some of his fellow LNH'rs?
> Why was Building Suspense Lad being silent about all this?

I mean.

> There was a hospital bed.  And on that bed was a short green toad like
> creature lying on it oblivious to the world hooked up to tubes and wires.


> The hospital attendant who was monitoring the Slobbering Grue!'s life
> signs answered him.  "He and a couple of buddies were filming video
> footage for this website --
> www.stupididiotsdoingstupididioticstunts.com.  Their plan was for Mr.
> Slobbering Grue! to catch an ice cream truck falling from a ten story
> building -- with his tongue -- but sadly the stunt didn't quite work out
> and now --" The hospital attendant looked with a very serious expression
> at the patient, "And now?  He's in a coma -- and completely brain dead."
> "Are you sure he wasn't completely brain dead before this happened?  I
> mean -- I'm just saying..." asked Sarcastic Lad.
> The Preacher glared at Sarcastic Lad

No, it's a reasonable question.

> and then asked his own question.
> "So what is to become of him now?"
> The hospital attendant formed an even more serious expression on his
> face.  "There's no hope for recovery.  We're going to unplug him from
> life support tomorrow."
> "No!" the Preacher gasped.  "That's murder!  You can't do that to him --
> even if he is a totally corrupt and evil beast.  All life is sacred!"

Yesssss, going for the jugular with satire

> I want you to ask yourself as you look at this
> unfortunate person -- this greenish toad like person -- do you have it
> in you to murder him?  To squash the life right out of him?  This is an
> important question.  Perhaps the most important question you'll ever
> answer."
> "Certainly more important than this whole Iraq War thing," shouted
> Sarcastic Lad from the way back row.

That seems to have been an astonishingly easy decision for the vast majority of 
2003-era Congress, unfortunately.

> Ignoring him Bill Frist continued.  "Yes, I know I'm not a Senator
> anymore so I'm not really sure why I'm speaking to you right now.


> Look at his eyes blinking!  He's
> trying to communicate with us!  But he doesn't know Morse code!  But if
> he did he would use it right now to tell us he wants to live!  Are we
> going to condemn a man just because he doesn't know Morse code?  Are we?
>    How about we just round up everybody who doesn't know Morse code and
> put them into concentration camps and gas chambers?

God, I love when Arthur just goes super hardcore on spinning out a ridiculous 
chain of logic.

> "Get this man out of here!  Get him the hell out of here!!  How did he
> get in here in the first place?!!!" said Bill Frist as he waved his
> hands wildly in the air.  Eventually Capital security hauled Sarcastic
> Lad away.

TBH I'm surprised he didn't receive a lifetime ban during the Clinton 
impeachment trials.

> I look at my hourglass.  And then at her.  I should leave her.  I could
> avoid my fate.  Just always avoid the day I die.  She doesn't love me.
> But.  There's always this hope that I'm wrong.  That she won't kill me.
>    That I won't die.  That she'll eventually love me like I love her.  It
> will all work out.  I can change.  She can change.  Time can change.
> But it doesn't work that way.
> I know.
> I am fool.


> And the boiling kettle of rage that was the Preacher just watched him
> go.  "This was a scam?  This was a scam!!  I will hunt you down.  I will
> -- I will.  Chains!!  Locked away in a cell!!  Iron Pipes!!!  Get you!!!
>    GET YOU!!!  HUNT YOU -- HUNT YOU DOWN!!!  All over the Earth!!!  I --
> I will..."  And as the Preacher shook his fist in the air, Two thousand
> miles away the clock in the LNHHQ struck midnight once again.  And the
> Preacher vanished.


> And there she is.  Lying on the street corner.  Dead.
> Are you shocked?
> Do you think I'm a horrible person for killing her?
> Yes.  Yes I am.  I'm evil.  I'm a disgusting evil thing.


> I need to go somewhere else.
> To the future?
> No.
> To the past.
> Always to the past.

aaaaaaaaaaaaa. ;.;

> You can think of this as JONG #6 if you want since I probably won't be
> writing that anytime soon.  This will probably be the last Slobbering
> Grue! story I ever write.  Just don't feel like I have anything more to
> say about this character.

For the record, I'm super happy Arthur wrote JONG #69.

> The Time Crapper stuff and its tone seem slightly out of place here.
> But oh well.

Honestly, I love the fact that this cosmic tragedy was happening out of sight of 
the "main" characters and they never even knew it.

>       "You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad," repeated Pulls-Paper-Out-
> Of-Hats Lad.
>       "But he's not..." began Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
>       "Not a classic character?" asked Sister-State-The-Obvious. "Not
> someone who's been around since the Cosmic Plot Device Caper?"
>       "I was about to say: he's not the type of iconic person of the
> quality that you'd expect for a leader of the Legion," Adamant-Authority-
> On-Everything said pointedly.

Oh man, we haven't even gotten started.

>       "I think Limp-Asparagus Lad was right about the LNH leadership
> currently being about keeping the team running while the researchers
> try to solve the problem. For the moment the leaders are expendable."
> You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad smiled and gestured expansively.
> "I'm willing to play the part of being expendable."

I like him. <3

>       You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad gave him an unreadable glance
> before saying, "Tell you what guys, how about I start off by rescinding
> *everything* that Self-Righteous Preacher did yesterday?" This brought a
> ragged cheer from the others.

Legit. X3

> Thwarting the fifth columnist plans of a squad of Al-Qaeda Amerika
> operatives (yes, they were still about and still making trouble).

This was a good attempt at throwing back to Golden Age comic book tropes, but 
extremely unfortunately, it turns out that the real fascists were inside us all 

> And
> just after lunch Doctor Glockenspiel had returned.


> This time Dr G. had arrived with a tank-like glockenspiel and had tried
> to destroy the LNH-HQ with its sonic attack,

X3 X3 X3

>       "No, you villain!" yelled You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad as
> he struck an arms akimbo pose. "Fight me instead!"

*heroic musical sting!*

>       The Chuggernaut threw an unbroached keg at the Legionnaire, which
> struck YNHMHELad with a resounding KA-THUNNNGGG!!! and sent him
> flying. The Chuggernaut turned back to his beer swilling, little
> appreciating that the harder you hit You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
> Lad the stronger he got,

Exposition! :D

> so that Chuggernaut didn't see the incoming
> car that YNHMHELad threw at him until it hit Chuggernaut in the back
> of the head.

Action! :D

>       "Surrender villain!" called You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad,
> who by this time was as high as a kite from all the endorphins that the
> impact from Chuggernaut's punches were releasing into his bloodstream.

Heeheehee yeah!!

> "All your badly scripted dialog and poorly drawn hyperthyroid musculature
> can't defend you against the forces of justice!"

I love the dialog! :D

> "But
> you never actually said why. What's so important about him being able
> to spin around freely without being controlled by the spell caster?"
>       "I wanna test a theory," You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad
> smiled. And to demonstrate, he gave the Chuggernaut a full strength
> punch in the face.
>       The villain spun backwards, head over heels at high speed. And,
> as You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad had been secretly hoping, he
> didn't have a stomach for vertigo. "Ahhh... Stop... Pleaf... Ahhh, hurk,

Oh, dear lord X3;

>       "Aww, YUCK!" went everybody. Well, everybody except You're-Not-
> Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, who was still far too hyped up for his own
> good, and who punched his fists in the air and yelled, "Aww, KEWL!"

omg I love him

>       "And from now on," Fuzzy told YNHMHELad sternly, "You either get
> to plan a campaign, or take part in one, but not both!"

heeheehee adorable

Drew "what a teen boy" Nilium

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