LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #125: Infinite Leadership Cri.Sig Part One

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Fri May 15 19:31:25 PDT 2020

And now, going back to the beginning!

On 10/27/2019 5:38 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> "LNH dice?? Are you kidding me? No, I'm not going to sign the contract!"
> Ultimate Ninja slammed the phone down, glaring at it to stop it from
> immediately ringing again. That didn't work, so the ninja decided to
> storm out of the office instead.


>   	"Um, sir... the Peril Room is currently off line," John called
> out after him, not in his strongest voice.
>   	Ultimate Ninja stopped mid-stride, with one leg off the ground.
> John and Sally were suitably impressed by this, especially when he
> didn't tremble in the slightest, but as the minutes passed, they became
> ever more increasingly worried.

I love this gag. X3

>   	"Well, someone else is bound to notice him like this..."
>   	"Hey, Ninja, what's up?" asked Unperceptive Lad, patting the
> pseudo-ninja statue on the arm as he passed by.
>   	"Okay, bad example. The next person..."
>   	"Hi leader," Browsing Boy called out as he walked on, his head
> buried in a book.
>   	"Okay, the _next_ person..."
>   	"What up, Ninja!" Master Blaster yelled, high-fiving the ninja
> on his slightly upraised hand (but not budging him an inch), before
> continuing on, whistling.
>   	"These people are doing this deliberately!"

Heeheehee I love the Rule of Three

>   	"I doubt that's exactly the case, but I think we'll need help
> with this." Doctor Stomper picked up the telephone, dialled the
> extension for LNHQ-wide announcements, and said, "Wikiboy to Ultimate
> Ninja's office. Wikiboy to Ultimate Ninja's office." After a pause, he
> added, "By the way, you have teleportation ability and like to use it to
> go places."

So convenient!

>   	"Sorry about that, Wikiboy, but I... why are you yellow with
> pink polka dots?" Right before Wikiboy replied, Doctor Stomper clicked
> on the answer and they said in tandem, "Master Blaster."
>   	"Right, well, revert all edits," Doctor Stomper announced.
>   	Wikiboy blinked a few times, then smiled in appreciation. "Thank
> you for that, Doctor."

Yessssss. <3 Be nice to WikiBoy day

>   	"You are an expert on ninjas, with a speciality in ultimate
> ones," Doctor Stomper declared.
>   	After the edit took effect, Wikiboy retrieved a pair of glasses,
> perched them on his nose, then peered over them at Ultimate Ninja.
> "Vell, your nenja is a verry fragile kreature.


>   	"Well, when was the last time he took a holiday?" Doctor Stomper
> inquired.
>   	"Does when he was replaced by the evil Ultimate Ninja count?"
> John asked, flipping back through the pages of the day planner before
> him.


>   	"Wikiboy, you're our current HR expert. How much leave does
> Ultimate Ninja have owning him?" Doctor Stomper asked, turning to
> Wikiboy.
>   	Putting the glasses away, Wikiboy took out a tie and put it on.
> The rest of them couldn't be sure, but a faint sheen of slime seemed to
> cover him, an image not offset by the too-wide smile of "I'm your
> friend" that he wore.

Yeah, fuckin' legit

>   	Leading close so he could directly whisper into the ninja's ear,
> Doctor Stomper said, "They are remaking 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'.
> PR Kid has plans involving you and a pet store."
>   	"NEVER!!!!"
> The resulting ninja explosion took several hours to repair.


> Reports from Doctor Stomper had come in to say that
> he had landed in the outskirts but might stay there for a while.


>   	"Well... I don't quite think you understand... people are
> talking about the 'Habeas Corps' clause."
>   	"As in?"
>   	"As in... the LNH will own your body, whether you agree or not,
> and... well... whether your alive or not. And then you'd literally be
> leader in perpetuity."

Wow. X3; That's uh. Who put that in the-- oh yeah Bjorn. Fair.
>   	"Ultimate Ninja... sir... we need you to sign some forms before
> you take off. Leave forms, reassignment sheets, cheesecake recipes, that
> sort of thing." He held up a clipboard of pages as proof. "Oh, and we
> also need the key to the building."
>   	"Right." Pausing in his packing, the ninja reached over, grabbed
> a large metal key the size of a book, and tossed it to OABoy, who had to
> think fast to catch it.

I'm sad that I don't remember that being used comedically.

>   	"Hey, Ultimate Ninja," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy called out.
> "Who's in charge?"
>   	Ultimate Ninja paused for a moment on the final step, reached
> into his clothes and withdrew a shuriken. Without looking back, he threw
> it over his shoulder. "That person."
>   	As the ninja vanished onto the street, the LNHers turned to see
> where the shuriken had ended up, and saw it embedded in the wall, still
> vibrating, close to a throat which was very careful not to move too
> quickly.
>   	Walking over, Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy held out the key.
> "Congratulations, Fearless Leader. Looks like you're our new leader."

Dun dun dunnnnnn!


Huh, that's weird, it didn't auto-quote after this. Ah well, copy and paste as 

> <<This here is DJ Dr. Flipseid grooving you to another hour of the best 
> bellbottom dance music that a mood ring can buy.  So rub your lava lamps 
> and get our your boogie shoes and get ready to shake your booties... 
> But first before we do that the Doctor has a little message for all you 
> Far Out Cosmic Cats out there...>>
> "There's something wrong with your radio, Felix.  Can't seem to change 
> it."  Linda laughed to herself.  "God, this guy is so corny."
> Felix wanted to laugh also, but there was something about that voice 
> that put a chill into him.  He had heard that voice before.  Why was he 
> scared of that voice?  "Turn off the radio, Linda.  Please."
> <<i cannot fight you now, but know that my time will come again.>>

Gaaaaaaaah the dread <3

> "You killed us all," said the one who looked like Organic Lass.
> "No!  It wasn't my... Please!  I'm sinking."
> "You can still save us though," said a Dr. Stomper like man.
> "How?  How can I?  Please...?"
> "BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!" said the Sarcastic Lad like figure.

This also really works as a setup for Beige Countdown/Midnight!

> Can't seem to move, Fearless Leader thought to himself.  He seemed to be 
> paralyzed from the neck down.  What was wrong with him?
> Hell.  It was his pajamas.  Someone had sewn his PJs to the bed!

> "This bomb we're dealing with feeds on seriousness and angst.  If the 
> LNHQ gets too serious today, this thing is going to destroy us all." 
> Doctor Stomper showed Fearless Leader his scanner.  "Right now we're at 
> a Silliness level of 5.33.  If the silliness level drops to below 5.00 
> this device could very well detonate."

I love this idea so much and I've got to reuse it.

> We believe this device was some congratulation present for 
> getting RACC passed back in '94 from the netizens of alt.shenanigans. 
> It was kept in a storage area that no one had bothered to go into since 
> that time until last night when Bad Timing Boy accidentally knocked a 
> basketball into the room, which accidentally triggered the device.  And 
> here we are now.

Amazing. X3 I'd forgotten this detail.

> "Of course."  Fearless Leader sighed to himself.  "So, how can I help 
> with this?"
> "You can wear this on your head."  Dr. Stomper handed Fearless Leader a 
> Carmen Miranda style fruit hat.


> Fearless looked at the fruit hat.  "You're serious?"
> "I wouldn't be wearing this gorilla suit if I weren't completely serious."

Bwahahaha! X3

> "And you should probably also wear this."  Dr. Stomper handed Fearless 
> Leader a coconut bra.
> "No.  I'm not wearing that.  I am not.  I am not..."
> "Every bit of silliness helps," Dr. Stomper pointed out.

Yes. Yes it does. :D

> Fearless Leader coughed to himself.  "Well.  What happened?  How did he 
> get this way?"
> "Oh, you know... the usual.  Popped in from the future and started 
> screaming, 'No Future!  No Future!'

Hmmmmm yeah the usual.

> Fearless Leader shook his head and sighed.  And then looked over to the 
> door.  Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad was standing by it waiting for something.
> "Can I help you Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad?" Fearless Leader asked.

I can't remember if he'd appeared before this!

> "Oh, it's nothing really -- just that every time now that I grab a piece 
> of paper -- the paper -- well the paper is yellowish and kind of 
> brittle.  Like it's been aged.  I don't know.  Might be a fungus or 
> something."

Yesssss setup.

> Someone 
> had nailed all of Ultimate Ninja's furniture (well -- now it was his. 
> At least for the month.) to the ceiling.  The LNH phone lines were being 
> swamped with prank calls.  People were leaving burning bags of poop by 
> the door, ringing the bell, and then quickly leaving.  All the glassware 
> had been replace by dribble glasses.  'Kick Me' signs were appearing on 
> almost everyone's back.  And someone had put a whole bottle of Tabasco 
> Sauce into his soup.

I love it so much. <3

> "Still it's fun -- in its way.  Right?  It beats all the angst and 
> seriousness that usually hovers around this place."
> "I suppose so.  I could live with a little less silliness myself."
> "You like to eat alone.  Don't you?"
> Fearless Leader hesitated a bit before he answered.  "No.  I -- I don't 
> like to eat alone.  It's just the way it is.  It's just hard to -- to -- 
> I don't know how to put it."


> "Why not?  It's okay.  You know.  I've got an idea.  We could go out for 
> coffee sometime.  Just the two of us.  And just talk.  Are you interested?"
> Fearless Leader looked over at another table.  People seemed to staring 
> at him.  Laughing at him.  Laughing.  And laughing.  "Oh, I get it. 
> This is a prank, right?  That's what it is.  Of course -- a joke.  You 
> guys are really hilarious.  What do you have planned next?"
> "I -- uh..."  Ripping Dancers face had a very pained and flustered 
> expression on it.  "I -- wasn't -- wasn't... I'm sorry.  I'll leave."  A 
> shaken Ripping Dancer stood up quickly and started to walk away.


> "Okay."  They sort of paused and just looked at each other.  And then 
> Ripping Dancer told Fearless Leader she had to leave and waved bye.  And 
> Fearless Leader waved bye back.
> Coffee.  A smile broke out of Fearless Leader's face.  Well, this day 
> might not be so horrible.

awwwwwwww <3

(Also I'm surprised the bomb didn't nearly go off there)

> Irony Man shook his head.  "Other than ramping up some additional 
> silliness, we still can't figure out how to disarm it.  And we think the 
> first team we sent to alt.shenanigans might be being held prisoner.  We 
> might have to send a second team to rescue the first team."

This is definitely a shenanigan.

> Irony Man walked over to the window and briefly opened the blinds before 
> shutting them.  "Well, take the LNH Registration Act.  Now everyone in 
> the LNH hates it, but -- you see the public wants it to happen.  It's 
> going to happen.  We can't stop it from happening.  We need a leader who 
> understands that.  We need a leader who can play ball with the 
> government.  Who can make the LNH Registration Act work for us instead 
> of against us."

Ah, I didn't realize that was already a plot. :o

> Irony Man laughed.  "There you go.  Thinking in black and white terms. 
> It's a complex world.  Well.  I've got to go.  Been nice talking to you. 
>   Hope you can survive the month."
> With that Irony Man straightened up his blonde wig and leather lingerie 
> and made his way out of Fearless Leader's office.
> Fearless Leader straightened his Carmen Miranda fruit hat and coconut 
> bra.  That had to be the most absurd conversation he had ever had.


> Hope you enjoyed your first day.
> The fun has just begun.
> Signed,
> Your ever loving Legionnaires in the LNH'
> A little smile broke from Fearless Leader's face.


> Oh well, at least it 
> was midnight.  He could finally take off this stupid hat and coconut bra.
> But fate, alas, had other plans for Fearless Leader.  And Fearless 
> Leader vanished right as the clock hit midnight.  Fruit hat, coconut 
> bra, and the rest of him.


And I love so much that he's wearing it when he comes back. X3

Drew "an excellent event, I must say" Nilium

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