LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #145: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Epilogue
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Mar 29 14:24:00 PDT 2020
You can sift through the racc list archive
https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for these stories that make up the epilogue
section of Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig (or Crisis).
The final two parts of LNH Comics Presents #501 are by Rob Rogers. And the
massive battle between Mynabird's supervillain army and the LNH continues. And
what about the Ultimate Ninja -- will he ever get back from his incredibly long
vacation. And did he take some slides?
And #502 the epilogue of all this is by me, Arthur Spitzer. Cannon Fodder
returns to find a very wrecked LNHHQ and Net.ropolis -- but will the
Ultimate Ninja have a vast slide show of all the fun stuff he did while on
vacation to take our minds off of the Countdown to Beige Midnight?!
Find out in...
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #145
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Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Twenty-One
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From: EDMLite <robro... at gmail.com>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #501: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Episode 466 (4/5)
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 03:28:55 +0000 (UTC)
2:45 a.m., May 2, 2007
Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch Memorial Playground,
Drayer Park
What disturbed Footnote Girl about the Alt.Imate Ninja, more
than anything, was the way the robot half of it never stopped
moving. Tiny machines skittered across its face like ants; the
dermal plates protruding from its chest and cheekbones wavered and
grew like uncertain icebergs, and the whole cabled, transistored
expanse of it seemed to be feeding on the other half in a way that
made her stomach turn.
The fact that the cyborg had just rendered one of her friends
unconscious and was preparing to do the same to her was not
particularly reassuring, either.
"Your threat is minimal," the Alt.Imate Ninja said, the dull
red glow of its cybernetic eye making a little halo in the early
morning mist. "Yet you cannot be allowed to live."
"Ask anyone who knows me," Footnote Girl replied, raising her
hockey stick. "I've never been particularly concerned with what I
was allowed to do."
"Irrelevant," the cyborg said, flicking its wrist. In the time
it took Footnote Girl to gasp, the ninja's staff swept the hockey
stick from her hands.
"And now," the ninja began, before a pair of binoculars crashed
into the back of its head.
"Leave... her... ALONE!" Girlwatcher shouted, grasping the
shattered ruins of his binoculars and kicking the ninja vigorously
in the shin.
"Unexpected," Alt.Imate Ninja said, drawing his staff back with
a snap against Girlwatcher's skull. "But ultimately also
irrelevant," he added, as the hero's eyes rolled upward and his
knees buckled under.
"Yeah? Well, how about THESE babies?" Master Blaster shouted,
shouting from the passenger side of a golf cart driven by Sister-
State-the Obvious. In each hand he carried an assault rifle.
"Allow me to introduce my second family -- cousin Heckler &
Koch 416 and wacky old Uncle AK-47," Master Blaster said, briefly
kissing the barrel of each gun. "God Almighty, how I love the
second amendment!"
Footnote Girl dove for cover behind a dog-shaped jungle gym
as the Legionnaire opened fire on Alt.Imate Ninja. Eyes stinging
from the clouds of cordite smoke, she watched, amazed, as the
cyborg warrior spun his staff like a roulette wheel, deflecting
each of the thousands of bullets before it could strike.
"Damn it," Master Blaster said, pausing to reload as the golf
cart pulled up beside the jungle gym. "He's invoking the ninja
rule."
"What's the ninja rule?" Footnote Girl asked, dragging
Girlwatcher to safety behind the playground equipment.
"A ninja's power and skill level increases inversely with the
number of ninjas involved in a fight scene," said Sister State-the-
Obvious, helping Footnote Girl move the fallen hero. "An army of
ninjas is cannon fodder, but a lone ninja is almost invincible."
"Correct," Alt.Imate Ninja declared, disarming Master Blaster
and knocking him to the ground with a single stroke.
"He's knocked out my husband!" Sister State-the-Obvious wailed.
"And we're next," Jo Nysegi said, emerging from the back of
the cart and blasting away at the ninja with his pistol, to no
effect. "WikiBoy! Kill!"
"GRRRRAAAAAGH!" WikiBoy screamed, chainsaw rattling as he
charged across the playground toward Alt.Imate Ninja. The cyborg
dropped its staff and fell to a crouch as the Legionnaire
approached. It leaped as WikiBoy swung wildly with the chainsaw,
vaulting over the hero. As WikiBoy turned around, Alt.Imate Ninja
reached forward. There was a crunch, a few snapping sounds, and
then Alt.Imate Ninja stepped back, something wet and sticky
clutched in its fist.
"Oh, God," Jo Nysegi said. "He didn't just..."
"You don't want to see this," Sister-State-the-Obvious said,
covering Footnote Girl's eyes.
"The largest heart this entity has so far encountered," Alt.
Imate Ninja said, as WikiBoy fell, sputtering chainsaw still
clutched in his hand. "Of no tactical importance, however," it
added, as the metallic talons of its hand closed around the heart,
crushing it.
"What are we supposed to do?" Footnote Girl asked, as the
Alt.Imate Ninja's foot slammed into Jo Nysegi 's stomach. "If the
ninja rule makes him invincible, than the only thing that could
stop him would be..."
The smoke and mist surrounding the Alt.Imate Ninja fell apart
as a dozen arrows spiraled toward it. The ninja's hands moved as a
blur, shattering the shafts of all of the arrows save one, which
lodged in its wrist.
"Would be another ninja," Ordinary Lady said, touching a fresh
arrow to her bowstring as she and Cheesecake Eater Lad walked
across the field.
Alt.Imate Ninja picked up its staff.
"I defeated robotic duplicates of the two of you yesterday,"
the cyborg said, as the two heroes advanced. "I can anticipate any
attack or defense of which you can conceive. Your chances of
defeating me are less than .0002 percent."
"That's the funny thing about being a big fat guy in a chef's
hat," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, a samurai sword in his hands.
"People always assume you'll be a pushover. Jean?"
"Let's take him out," she said, firing.
As Ordinary Lady and Cheesecake-Eater Lad attacked the ninja,
Footnote Girl cradled WikiBoy's head in her arms.
"Revert and recover, WikiBoy. If you can still hear me," the
teenage girl sobbed, as the Legionnaire Anyone Can Edit lay
motionless in her lap.
"His chest wound is sealed, but he's lost a lot of blood, and
there's no way to... wait! I'm getting a pulse!" Sister State-the-
Obvious said.
"What? But how can that be?" Footnote Girl said. "Alt.Imate
Ninja ripped out his heart and... squooshed it."
"Master Blaster... told me... to 'grow a pair' when he...
edited me," said an ashen-faced WikiBoy. "I already had... what he
meant... so I thought... an extra heart might... come in handy."
"Thank God," Sister State-the-Obvious said, flipping open her
communication.thingee. "Doctor Stomper, we need you at the
southeast corner of the park right away."
A few hundred feet away, the combined efforts of Cheesecake-
Eater Lad and Ordinary Lady had driven the Alt.Imate Ninja in the
direction of the Bandshell parking lot.
"Your Legion is outdated and redundant," Alt.Imate Ninja said,
knocking the bow from Ordinary Lady's hands and then spinning
around to block Cheesecake-Eater Lad's swordstroke. "This latest
crisis is evidence that you no longer serve the function for which
you were designed. You must be replaced."
"I love it when robots get uppity," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said,
slicing Alt.Imate Ninja's staff in two. "It makes it easier to
justify chopping them up and recycling them."
"Watch out!" said Ordinary Lady, as Alt.Imate Ninja struck out
with his legs, sweeping Cheesecake-Eater Lad off his feet.
"Remember, he's part human. We don't want to murder the pizza
delivery guy underneath if we can help it."
Ordinary Lady drew her own sword and surged forward, stopping
only when Alt.Imate Ninja formed the broken pieces of his staff
into an "X" to block her blow.
"Don't worry," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad, getting to his feet.
"I've got something that ought to release his human side, if I can
get close enough to use it. I have a special place in my heart
for food service employees."
"Your habit of discussing battle strategies in front of your
opponent is but one reason you are easy to defeat," said Alt.Imate
Ninja, tossing a handful of nuts, bolts, flanges and widgets at the
two heroes.
"Artificial ninja bush! Watch out!" Ordinary Lady shouted,
executing a perfect backflip that landed her at the edge of the
parking lot blacktop.
"Thank God for my cheesecake-fruitcake hybrid," Cheesecake-
Eater Lad said, using his wrist-fired cheesecake shooter to create
a shield-shaped cake. "The stuff is practically indestructible!"
"It is as dense as you," Alt.Imate Ninja said, drawing a sword
with each hand and slicing the cake into eight equal pieces, which
tumbled away from Cheesecake-Eater Lad's wrist like the petals of
a daisy.
The three combatants eyed each other warily. Ordinary Lady had
adopted a classical fencer's stance, while Cheesecake-Eater Lad
adjusted his feet into a kendo fighting position. Alt.Imate Ninja
stood wide, a sword gripped in each hand, staring at his two foes.
He leaped, as did Ordinary Lady. Their katanas met in midair,
striking three times before each landed -- Ordinary Lady, panting,
on the pavement, while Alt.Imate Ninja perched on the concrete
barrier that separated the parking lot from the freeway beyond.
"We've got him trapped!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, firing a
stream of cardamom-boysenberry cheesecake at the ninja.
"You think me trapped? And you call yourself a warrior?" Alt.
Imate Ninja said, making a backwards somersault onto the roof of
one of the many vehicles whose owners had attempted to flee the
battle at the park and found themselves in several miles of
traffic gridlock.
"After all," the cyborg said, "he who chooses the field of
battle has already determined the outcome."
"If there's one thing I hate more than wisdom-spouting killer
robot ninjas," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, struggling to pull
himself over the top of the barrier, "it's having to fight my way
through traffic."
"Can't be helped," Ordinary Lady said, launching into a
handspring that carried her over the concrete. She tucked her legs
beneath her and somersaulted through the air, landing on top of a
station wagon. Someone below her screamed. She raised her sword
just in time to parry a feint by the Alt.Imate Ninja.
Traffic began to move. The two fighters flowed from cartop to
cartop like a pair of dancers, Alt.Imate Ninja's two swords raining
blows upon Ordinary Lady's blade. Horns honked and angry drivers
threw bottles, balls of crumpled-up paper and other garbage at the
pair as they leaped and sprang from the back of a minivan to the
roof of a tractor-trailer truck.
"I know you're in there, Malcolm," Ordinary Lady said, locking
hilts with the Alt.Imate Ninja. "And I know this isn't you."
"Malcolm isn't here right now," Alt.Imate Ninja sneered,
breaking free and launching another attack.
"You're not a killer," Ordinary Lady said. "You don't want to
be running around pulling people's hearts out. You want to be
doing what other teenage pizza delivery boys do... driving around,
developing acne, accidentally wandering into the sets of
pornographic films..."
Alt.Imate Ninja wavered for a moment, beads of sweat appearing
on the human side of his forehead.
"That's the opening I needed!" shouted Cheesecake-Eater Lad,
leaping onto the back of the truck from the roof of a Greyhound bus
and spraying Alt.Imate Ninja with a thick, foul-smelling substance.
"What is that stuff?" Ordinary Lady asked, as Alt.Imate Ninja
dropped one of his swords and began clawing at the bubbling liquid
on his face.
"I call it my 'Grey Goo Cheesecake,' " Cheesecake-Eater Lad
said. "It's filled with nanomachines designed to overwrite the
Alt.Imate Ninja program. And it's extremely low in refined sugars."
"No! No! You cannot..." the Alt.Imate Ninja began, before a
distinctly human voice emerged from beneath the grayish mess.
"Where... what am I?" asked Malcolm, the Pizza Delivery Guy.
"And why is there an arrow sticking out of my wrist?"
"You did it!" Ordinary Lady said, hugging
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Hey guys!" shouted a voice from a passing fire engine.
Ordinary Lady and Cheescake-Eater Lad looked up to see Bad-
Timing Boy dressed in a firefighter's helmet and uniform, and
standing with the nozzle of a fire hose cradled in his arms.
"Don't worry!" Bad-Timing Boy said. "A blast of water ought to
take care of that robot once and for all!"
"No!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, but it was too late. Bad-
Timing Boy doused the Alt.Imate Ninja with a torrent of water,
sending the puddle of grey goo into the windshield of a car in the
next lane and reviving the cyborg ninja. Shaking its head, the
creature used its remaining sword to deflect the stream of water
into Cheesecake-Eater Lad, who tumbled from the back of the truck.
"And now only we two remain," the Alt.Imate Ninja said, as
Cheesecake-Eater Lad lay still in the bed of a pickup truck. "A
pity I did not have the opportunity to tear out the fat one's
heart, as I did with your other friend."
The creature attacked, and Ordinary Lady parried, fighting
back with an energy that seemed to take the cyborg by surprise.
She swung high, forcing him to block, then kicked Alt.Imate Ninja
in the midsection, sending him reeling towards the back of the
truck. The cyborg slipped on the spilled cheesecake, then fell,
sparks flying from his iron-clawed hand as he struggled to hold on
to the back of the vehicle.
"You should have eaten the cheesecake," Ordinary Lady said,
raising her sword for another attack. "No telling what they'll be
serving in hell."
Alt.Imate Ninja grinned, leaped backward, ricocheted off a low-
hanging billboard (damaged earlier by Very Big Boy) and kicked
Ordinary Lady in the jaw, sending her sprawling to the surface of
the truck.
"Impressive," Alt.Imate Ninja said, standing over the body of
his foe. "You lasted 43.8 percent longer against this entity than
predicted. No other opponent has ever performed so well."
The cyborg picked up Ordinary Lady's katana, bowed, then
grabbed the edge of a bridge as the truck passed underneath,
swinging himself upward with one hand.
He arrived on the bridge to see a few abandoned cars, quite a
lot of broken glass and a man in a faded brown trenchcoat.
"Knew you'd come," the man said, as Alt.Imate Ninja scanned him
with his cybernetic eye. "They always come. Always. Not that I
do anything to attract them. But they come just the same. Like
pigeons to a statue. Like cats to a keyboard. Like discussions
in cyberspace to some mention of Hitler and the Nazis."
SCANNING... said Alt.Imate Ninja's internal display. CHECKING
INTERNAL DATABASES FOR INFORMATION ON THREAT POTENTIAL OF UNKNOWN
ENTITY.
LEGION OF NET.HEROES.... NO MATCHES FOUND
ALT.RIDERS... NO MATCHES FOUND
DVANDOM FORCE... NO MATCHES FOUND
NEW MISFITS... NO MATCHES FOUND
NET.TRENCHCOAT BRIGADE...
"I'm not much on introductions," the man said, throwing open
his trenchcoat and lifting a submachine gun. "But you should
know that. After all, you're a ninja. And I'm just a guy. In a
trenchcoat. Fighting ninjas!"
* * *
3:03 a.m., May 2, 2007
Intersection of Scavenger Avenue and Bingham Boulevard,
Net.ropolis
"The Legion forces will be here any minute," Vector Prime said,
glancing behind her as she hurried along Scavenger Avenue.
"Perhaps," Mynabird said. "Then again, in less than a minute,
we'll have returned to Legion headquarters, and the world's most
advanced weapons systems will be at our fingertips."
"We might have gotten here sooner, if you wouldn't have spent
the morning standing around in the middle of the park like a
bleedin' statue," Londonbroil said. "That detestable Writers Block
Woman..."
"Agreed," Vector Prime said. "If Uma Thurman hadn't managed to
get rid of her by challenging her to a runway walk-off, we might
still be up there."
"At last," Mynabird said, rubbing his gauntleted hands together
as they approached Four-Color Square. "After all those long,
lonely years... my revenge is finally at hand."
"Sorry, folks," Fearless Leader said, standing in front of
Legion headquarters with his arms folded across his chest.
"Visiting hours are over until we can figure out how to get the
smell of villain out of this place."
"Fearless Leader! Of course!" Mynabird said. "If there was
one among your number who could pose a challenge to me now, with
victory so close at hand, it would, of course, be you!"
"Hey!" wReamHack said. "I'm here too, you know."
"Very well," Mynabird said, as the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite
activated the "Dramatic Confrontation Music" button on his control
panel. The sound of Journey's "Separate Ways" blared through his
armor's loudspeakers. "Destroy Fearless Leader... and his
irritating IT support staff!"
"That's more like it," wReamHack said, as Londonbroil tipped
his bowler hat and ignited his flamethrower.
Before the Acetyelne Anglophile could roast the two heroes,
however, a third stepped forward, absorbing the blast.
"Captain Continuity!" Londonbroil said, as the caped hero
walked, unharmed, through the conflagration and pinched shut the
nozzle of the flamethrower. "I don't believe it."
"Nor do I," Mynabird said. "This business of having one
previously unseen hero come to rescue another at the very last
moment is becoming altogether too repetitive in this episode."
"What is it you heroes say?" Vector Prime said, an emerald glow
shining in her eyes. "Ah, yes. Pick on someone your own size!"
Captain Continuity stared upward as every flight.thingee, jet,
helicopter, tank and miscellaneous vehicle in the Legion's motor
pool roared out of the building like a swarm of angry bees. The
stream of vehicles swirled around the ruins of Four-Color Square --
and then, driven by the unseen will of the Melissa virus, linked
bumpers, grilles and landing gear together to become a six-story
humanoid robot.
"Huh," Londonbroil said, staring up at the towering robot as it
slammed a fist -- formed from Teenfactor's Teencruiser -- into
Captain Continuity. "Call me a critic, but it seems like it would
have been more effective to have all of those cars and spaceships
and things attacking individually."
"Maybe," said wReamHack, as Captain Continuity struggled
against the pressure of the enormous metal fist. "But this is
so... much... cooler."
"Forget the robot!" Fearless Leader said, pointing at Vector
Prime. "Get the girl!"
"What you just said goes against everything I've learned
spending 36 years in my parents' basement," wReamHack sighed,
pushing a button on his wrist communicator. "But you're the boss.
I'm calling in our ace in the hole."
"Crush him! Crush him!" said Mynabird, in his best Cobra
Commander voice, firing plasma bolts into Captain Continuity's
chest as Vector Prime strained to maintain her concentration over
the robot amalgamation. "We're almost to the best part of the
song!"
"I'm trying to... WHAT THE HELL?!" gasped Vector Prime, utterly
flabbergasted as Nudist Man popped out of a nearby garbage can like
a naked, giggling Oscar the Grouch.
"Howdy-do!" Nudist Man said, as Vector Prime screamed and the
sky began raining vehicles.
"wReamHack! Establish a digital telepathic link between
Parking Karma Kid and our heroes in the air -- Captain Continuity,
Kid-Not-Appearing-in-Any-Beige-Midnight-Story, and Minority Miss,"
said Fearless Leader, as a trio of superhumans streaked through the
sky from one falling .thingee to another. "Make sure none of those
things crashes into anyone!"
"You may have defeated my, er, virus," Mynabird said, placing
his hands on his hips -- and then pulling them away just as
quickly, since his palms were still steaming from the plasma bolts
he'd fired at Captain Continuity.
The square had begun to fill with heroes, with a group led by
Occultism Kid filing in from the west, and another group on the
east streaming in behind Sister State-the-Obvious.
"You may even think you have me surrounded," the armored
mastermind continued. "But that's because you hadn't counted on
the arrival of my squadron of SINGING MONKEY PIRATES!"
"Just heard from J. Random Kiwi," wReamHack said, showing the
message on his BlackBerry to Fearless Leader. "He reports that his
team of Kiwi Kommandoes has utterly routed the monkey pirates near
the entrance to the harbor."
"Monkeys fighting kiwis? And we missed it?" said a man in a
black turtleneck and beret, who had been filming the confrontation
through an unusual-looking camera.
He looked up and swatted the heavy-set man beside him.
"Gaffer, you're supposed to tell me about these kind of things!
That would have gotten us into Cannes for sure..."
"My beloved monkey pirates... defeated," Mynabird said, his
armored shoulders slumping as the circle of Legionnaires drew
closer. "It appears, Fearless Leader, that you and yours have won
the day after all."
"Chin up, old thing," Londonbroil said, clapping him on the
back. "You made a good show of things. And after all, it took the
entire LNH to defeat us. Ripping Dancer, that Weirdness Magnet
character... even Easily-Discovered Man and Lite are here..."
"EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN LITE? WHERE?" Mynabird screamed,
throwing Londonbroil to the ground as his pulsing yellow visor
scanned the crowd. At last he spotted the boy, who was in the act
of selling a shirt with the logo "I Led the Legion of Net.Heroes
For A Day And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" to You're-Not-
Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough-Lad.
"AT LAST! AT LAST!" the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said,
rubbing his forelegs together with glee. "I'll blast him into..."
"Plasma bolts unavailable," said the Mynabird armor's internal
computer system, which the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite had
programmed to sound exactly like the voice of Scarlett Johansson.
"Recharge of plasma generation system required."
"I can't even shoot powerful beams out of my hands?" the
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite grumbled. "How hardcore can I be? Oh
well," he said, his gaze lingering on a framed photo of Arachne at
the edge of his control console. "I suppose there's no choice but
to blow all of us to kingdom come."
He removed the plastic shrink-wrap from a large blue button at
the edge of the console labeled "Reactor Self-Destruct," sighed,
and pressed it.
"Thirty seconds to meltdown," said the voice of Scarlett
Johansson, as the number "30" appeared in large red digital
letters on all four of the monitors in front of the console.
Another panel on the console irised open, and a bottle of 12-
year-old scotch rose out of the opening, accompanied by a glass
tumbler filled with ice. "Happy Trails" began playing over the
helmet's loudspeaker.
"Here's to you, Arachne," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said,
pouring himself a glass of scotch as the red number dropped to
"29."
"By the seven hells of Compaq customer service!" Vector Prime
exclaimed, staring at Mynabird. "He's activated some kind of a
doomsday device! There's enough nuclear material in there to blow
all of Net.ropolis County off the map!"
"And there's some kind of force field around his armor,"
Sister-State-The-Obvious said. "We can't get through to shut it
off!"
"Even my power to appear naked in unexpected places is having
no effect," Nudist Man said.
"We're all going to die!" Coward Lad gasped.
"Maybe not," the Dismal-Hope Kid said. "Some of us could come
out of this horribly scarred, and then give birth to mutants.
Although it's much more likely that all of us are going to die."
"Look, whoever you are," Fearless Leader said. "Blowing
yourself up in order to get back at your enemies is pointless,
childish and stupid... not to mention cowardly. Only a thuggish,
craven barbarian would even consider it!"
"Barbarian, am I?" Mynabird said, his words somewhat slurred.
"I'm only taking a few of you with me! You... you slaughtered my
entire species!"
"What's he going on about?" wReamHack asked Londonbroil. "Did
Master Blaster go and shoot through an entire planet of talking
robots again without telling the rest of us?"
"E's not a robot, e's a... it's hard to explain," Londonbroil
replied.
"Mynabird, listen," Vector Prime said, placing her hands
against the force field. "I don't know what it's like to lose
your people. But I know what it's like to lose someone you love.
I made 128 copies of myself today... and every time one of them was
hit, or lost a limb, or was shot, or killed... I felt it. I felt
myself die 128 times."
"Who cares about the clouds when we're together," the Easily-
Discovered Bran Mite sang. "Just sing a song and bring the sunny
weaaaaather..."
"He's not listening," Vector Prime said. "Dammit, Mynabird,
I believed in you! We all believed in you! What about that speech
you made today? What about your idea of letting everyone be the
author of her own destiny? Is that what you're doing right now?"
"Ten seconds," breathed the voice of Scarlett Johansson.
"What do you want to be remembered as?" Vector Prime asked.
"Are you going to go down as the villain they all believe you to
be... knowing you could be so much more... and let people like
Easily-Discovered Man Lite be remembered as heroes?"
"Hey, wait a minute," said Lite, who had been in the process
of suggesting to Ripping Dancer what the two of them should do
with their last moments on earth together. "What do I have to do
with any of this?"
The Easily-Discovered Bran Mite stared at the boy long and
hard through the viewports of the Mynabird helmet before smashing
the glass tumbler of scotch against the image and switching off
the self-destruct mechanism.
The crowd of heroes cheered. Vector Prime sighed.
"Okay, everybody," Fearless Leader said, as Mynabird's force
field wavered out of existence. "Let's take him in... and let's do
it by the book."
As Librarian Lady passed copies of "Capturing Dark Overlords
for Dummies" by Gamer Boy throughout the group of heroes, however,
a door appeared in the empty space behind Mynabird. The door
opened inward, and a robed figure placed his hand on Mynabird's
arm.
"Get in. Now!" Father Brown hissed.
Mynabird, Vector Prime and Londonbroil scrambled through the
passage -- the last turning around and tipping his hat -- before
the door, and the villains, disappeared.
"If only we'd gotten these books sooner," Bad-Timing Boy
lamented. "He talks about the whole 'villain escaping through
a disappearing door' situation right here on page 28."
"It doesn't matter what Gamer Boy thinks. They can't have just
disappeared!" Fearless Leader said. "Search the city! Find them!"
The crowd of heroes dispersed, with the exception of Ripping
Dancer, who was busy slapping Easily-Discovered Man Lite.
"I've scanned the entire area, and I can't find any trace of
them," Captain Continuity said, swooping down a few moments later.
"Nor can the Emerald Eye of Eyrie," Occultism Kid said, gazing
into a swirling sphere of green light. "It's as though they 're
somewhere between the levels of reality itself."
Fearless Leader sighed. "Keep up the search, just the same,"
he said, doing his best to keep the weariness out of his voice.
"In the mean time, we have a lot of work to do. Our headquarters
is in ruins, as is much of the city. There are still people out
there who might be trapped under rubble, or lying wounded in some
of the areas damaged during the attack. We need to get them to
safety.
"It may be a while before the people of this city are ready to
trust us again," Fearless Leader continued, as a Checker cab
approached the entrance to Legion Headquarters. "And we're going
to have our hands full in the next few months, sending a team to
Qwerty to check Bart, and find some way to keep him from releasing
the Bryttle Brothers. But I want to tell each and every one of you
that I've never been prouder of this team... of any team... than I
was today..."
The taxi door opened. A tall, powerfully-built man dressed in
black martial-arts pajamas, a mask, and a floppy fishing hat
stepped out of the vehicle, carrying a bamboo pole. He closed the
taxi door, and the car sped away, brakes squealing, without the
driver waiting to be paid.
The tall, black-clad man walked across the square toward
Fearless Leader.
"Ultimate Ninja!" Fearless Leader said, bowing.
Ultimate Ninja did not return the bow. His head turned from
left to right, taking in the broken, blackened lobby of Legion
Headquarters, the bruised and bloodied faces of the Legionnaires
around him, the fires still burning on the horizon in the city
beyond.
"You are relieved of your command," he said, passing Fearless
Leader on his way into the building without another word.
TOMORROW: Parthian shots and epilogue!
From: EDMLite <robro... at gmail.com>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #501: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Episode 466 (5/5)
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2007 05:56:44 +0000 (UTC)
5:30 a.m., May 2, 2007
The In-Continuity Cafe
Secret Headquarters of the Church of the Fourth Wall
Mynabird sat at one of the empty tables of the In-Continuity
Cafe with his arms folded over the back of his chair, opening and
closing his mighty metal fist.
"I almost had him," he whispered.
"As I was saying," Father Brown croaked. "By dividing the
organization into a dozen or more subgroups, each with its own
agenda, we can force the Writers to pursue a hundred different
plotlines at the same time."
"It's like the idea I had with all of the vehicles outside
Legion headquart... er, never mind," Londonbroil said, after
receiving a filthy look from Vector Prime.
"The reason so many of those meddling Writers have chosen to
interfere in the Looniverse is that they see it as simple and
accessible," the leader of the Church of the Fourth Wall continued.
"One Legion. One headquarters. One overarching foe at any given
time. Change that formula -- force the Writers to contend with
myriad plot developments, shifting subplots, and fluid continuity,
and nine-tenths of them will give up in frustration. The rest will
take so long to post that it will scarcely matter."
Mynabird said nothing, the yellow screen of his visor flashing
endlessly back and forth. Vector Prime walked up behind him and
placed a hand on each of his shoulders.
"And coordinating our efforts will be even easier, now that we
have this," Father Brown said, as two of his robed monks carried a
large flat-panel screen into the room.
"What's that, then?" Londonbroil asked, as the panel lit up,
showing dozens of red dots on a map of Net.ropolis.
"The Legion monitor board," Father Brown explained, his thin
grey lips curling upward with satisfaction. "It shows exactly
where every member of the LNH is at all times. We recovered this
from their headquarters prior to the battle."
"Interesting," Vector Prime said, running one red-enameled nail
over the screen. "One would think the Legion might have used a
device like this to discover where their members kept disappearing
to during their 'infinite leadership crisis.' "
"And they might have," Father Brown said. "However, the
monitor board can only be operated by someone able to access the
Ultimate Ninja's DNA."
"How are you able to do that?" Vector Prime said, looking at
Father Brown with renewed respect. "Even I cannot replicate the
DNA of a living entity."
Father Brown smiled. "Nor can I. But the Legion's robot
duplicator machine could -- and while most of its creations were
destroyed by you and your companions, one duplicate, a failed
prototype, did not take part in the rebellion. We found it
wandering through the headquarters hallways, searching for bamboo."
Another monk led what appeared to be a giant panda dressed in a
ninja costume, looking placidly at the group of gathered villains.
"Rrrr?" the Ultimate Panda said.
"You're telling me that this... this panda thing... has part of
Ultimate Ninja's essence inside of it?" Londonbroil asked. "Bloody
hell. And here I thought me own family tree had some odd bits."
But Mynabird paid no attention to the panda, the monks, or the
Church of the Fourth Wall. Instead, he gazed at the map screen in
front of him, and at a little red moving dot labeled "EASILY-
DISCOVERED MAN LITE."
"Soon," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said, cradling the
picture of Arachne within his arms. "I promise you that, monster.
Your day of reckoning will come... if I have to destroy the
universe in order to do it!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
LEGION ROLL CALL:
Bad-Timing Boy.... Vernon H. Harmon
Cannon Fodder, Self-Righteous Preacher, Sister State-the-
Obvious, Special Bonding Boy, Ultimate Ninja and wReamHack
.... wReam
Captain Continuity.... Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes and Robert
"Mystic Mongoose" Armstrong
Catalyst Lass.... Elisabeth Reba
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.... Matthew Jotham Millheiser
Coward Lad, Nudist Man and WikiBoy.... Tom Russell
Cynical Lass, Easily-Discovered Man, Easily-Discovered Man
Lite and Ultimate Panda.... Rob Rogers
The Dismal-Hope Kid.... Tim Munn
Doctor Stomper... T.M. Neeck
Fearless Leader and Kid Pocky.... Dave Van Domelen
Footnote Girl, Librarian Lady and Very Big Boy
.... Saxon Brenton
Frat Boy, Gamer Boy and Opinionated Lad.... upLink
Gaffer and The Indie.... J.O.S.Hartung
Girlwatcher.... Chris Gumprich
Gothic Gorilla, A Guy In A Trenchcoat Fighting Ninjas,
Ripping Dancer and You're Not Hitting Me Hard Enough Lad
.... Arthur Spitzer
The Incredibly Stupid Man, Master Blaster and Ordinary Lady
....Martin Phipps
Irony Man.... Doug Moran
Jo Nysegi (Sarcastic Lad).... Gary St. Lawrence
J. Random Kiwi and Writers Block Woman
.... Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
Kid Kiwi's Kiwi Kommandoes.... Descrii
Kid-Not-Appearing-In-Any-Beige-Midnight-Story.... Matt
"Badger" Rossi, with enhancements by Saxon Brenton and Lalo
Martins
Minority Miss and Weirdness Magnet.... Lalo Martins
Occultism Kid.... Josh Geurink
Parking Karma Kid.... Steve Simmons
PR Kid.... Jamas Enright
SPECIAL GUEST VILLAINS:
Alt.Imate Ninja, Barrage, Downyflake, Father Brown, Felonious
Monk and the Church of the Fourth Wall, Londonbroil, Plummet
and Vector Prime.... Rob Rogers
Arthur E.L. Presence.... Steven Howard
Carassion, Doctor Glockenspiel, the Twisted Lemming and Udder
Doom II.... Saxon Brenton
The Chuggernaut, Easily-Discovered Bran Mite/Mynabird, Make
Money Fast Mo, Triple-X Girl and the Seven Deadly Sphammers,
Ol' Scratch and The Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain
.... Arthur Spitzer
Easily-Discouraged Man and Pointless Awards Man II
.... Jamie Rosen
McLaughlin Man, Mr. Homage and the Brotherhood of Evil
Net.Villains.... wReam with Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes
Pencil Rain.... H. Jameel al Khafiz
Singing Monkey Pirates.... Mitchell "Tarq" Crouch
The Solid Gold Dancers.... Matt "Badger" Rossi
Thread Bear.... Timothy Toner
Uma Thurman/Waffle Queen II.... herself, despite the author's
best efforts
Zombie Taft.... Tom Russell
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Arthur Spitzer and Saxon Brenton, editors
Mitchell "Tarq" Crouch, for naming the "Net.ropolis Ninja"
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
Cannon Fodder dialogue from LNH Comics Presents #500 written
by Arthur Spitzer
Biblical quotations from evilbible.com and thinkexist.com
No kiwis, bears, apes, pandas or British prime ministers were
harmed in the making of this net.comic.
"Evil comes at leisure like the disease; good comes in a hurry
like the doctor."
--G. K. Chesterson
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Arthur Spitzer <arsp... at earthlink.net>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #502: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode
467
Date: Sun, 3 Jun 2007 00:59:40 +0000 (UTC)
Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents...
#502
INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG
EPISODE FOUR HUNDRED AND
SIXTY-SEVEN
May 2nd, 2007
Cannon Fodder opened up his eyes.
Was it all a dream -- Some horrible nightmare?
He was back in the Peril Room.
Alive.
Reborn.
He looked at the Peril Room. Cracks. Scorch marks. Wires hanging out.
He stood up. And walked out of the room.
Time to look at the world again.
Time to live again.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Epilogue's Day
or
It's Finally Over With!
(Well... Okay. Not Completely Over.)
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
As Cannon Fodder walked out of the room, he started to see the full
scope of the damage caused by the war between the Robot duplicates and
the supervillains. Dust, broken glass, and rubble obstructed his path.
He saw Captain Cleanup sweeping away some of the rubble.
"Hey, Captain!" said Cannon Fodder with a friendly smile.
Captain Cleanup looked briefly up at Cannon Fodder and gave him a scowl
and then went back to sweeping the hall way. Captain Cleanup muttered
something under his breath.
Cannon Fodder continued on his way towards the main computer room.
Before he could get there he stumbled into Bad Timing Boy.
"Hey, Cannon Fodder! We had this vote about who should give the bad
news to Ultimate Ninja and you won. Congratulations. Oh, yeah.
Ultimate Ninja wants to see you pronto. Nice knowing you."
Cannon Fodder sighed to himself. "Yeah, sure. Got to go see wReamHack
first though."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
"Hey, wReamHack!" Cannon Fodder saw his old friend fiddling around with
wires. Like everything else the computer room of the LNHHQ was totally
trashed.
"Uhuh. Can I do something for you?" wReamHack continued fiddling with
the electronics.
"Yeah. I need you to retrieve Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad out of the
Peril Room teleportation hard drive.
"Come again? Trapped where? How did this happen?" wReamhack stopped
what he was doing and focused his attention on Cannon Fodder.
"Look, it's a long story. Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad was badly injured
and I couldn't get him to a hospital in time so with the help of Vector
Prime (You know that chick from the Birth of a Villain crossover) I had
the Alt-Imate Ninja kill him in the Peril Room with all of the safeties
on and I trapped him in the hard drive so when everything was less
chaotic some one could retrieve him and take care of his wounds."
"You let the Melissa Virus chick mess with our computer systems. Jeez.
Who knows what kind of surprises she left us?"
"Look. Can you do it? Can you retrieve Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad?"
"I guess. But who knows. Lots of our computer equipment was trashed.
Some of it stolen. And who knows what effect being stored for a long
time as info has on someone. But I'll try to see what I can do."
"You'll need to get some medical persons too when you retrieve him. He
was shot. And bleeding a lot. Just do your best."
"I will."
"It's good to see you, wReamHack."
"Umm. Yeah, good to see you too."
"Well, got to go see UN." Cannon Fodder started to head out the door
and then hesitated. "You know. I was wondering if we could get the
gang back together again. You, me, Cheesecake Eater Lad, and Parking
Karma Kid. Just have dinner sometime. Maybe this week?"
wReamHack shook his head. "Sorry. Going to be swamped this week. Need
to get this place back in working condition."
"Well, maybe next week?"
"Yeah. Maybe. Sure." wReamhack went back to work.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Cannon Fodder stepped into the Ultimate Ninja's office. Everything in
it was wrecked. Cannon Fodder saw the ninja standing in the middle of
the mess.
The Ultimate Ninja with his back turned started to speak. "Tell me,
Cannon Fodder. Something seems different. But I can't tell. What is
it? Maybe it's the desk that's been turned to splinters. Maybe it's
the shelf full of valuable keepsakes, which is now down on the ground
full of shattered valuable keepsakes. Or maybe it's the 'Ultimate Ninja
wears his grandma's panties' graffiti on the wall. This place isn't
quite the way I left it." The Ultimate Ninja turned around and gave a
deadly stare to Cannon Fodder. "So. What happened while I was away?"
"Look. Maybe you'd like to hear the good news?"
"Okay. The good news. I'd love to hear it. What is the good news?"
"Well. Umm. Oh, yeah. Your garden. At least 40% of the plants in
your garden are still alive."
"And that is the good news?"
"Uh yeah. At least all I can think of right now."
"Okay. Let's hear the bad news."
Cannon Fodder gave a sigh. "Well, to be fair -- all of this damage is
mostly Dr. Stompers fault..."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
The LNHHQ Meeting room...
A number of important high level LNH'rs sat at a table. All eyes
focused on the Ultimate Ninja who was standing up and speaking.
"So this is the situation. The LNHHQ is a mess. Parts of downtown
Net.ropolis are completely wrecked. Most of the supervillains that the
LNHHQ was holding have escaped. And Bart (who now apparently is
wielding the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet) is working for Dekay
and Diskolor who are going to return in 2008 to completely lay waste to
the entire Looniverse. Do I have that all straight?"
Kid Recap chimed in. "Mostly. You left out that Sarcastic Lad's demon
is still missing and that we've been conquered by the
Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic Empire. But, yeah, that's
about it."
Contraption Man added, "And there is a time barrier preventing me from
going past the date of December 31, 2007."
J. Random Kiwi chirped, "Kiwi."
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head and resisted the urge to go on a mass
killing spree. "Okay. First thing we need to do is find out info on
Bart and this Dekay and Diskolor cult. What info do we have on Bart
since he quit his job here as a receptionist?"
"Not much," replied Kid Recap. "We know he sold his soul to Frank: Dark
Lord of the Seventies. And he tried to take over Net.ropolis, but was
stopped by Kid Kiwi's Kommandoes. And back in '97 he broke out of
prison with a group of supervillains. And that's the last we ever heard
of him."
"Deductive Logic Man. I want you find out who these supervillains were
that broke out with Bart. And I want you to find out what Bart's been
doing in the last 10 years."
Deductive Logic Man nodded. "Will do."
"Occultism Kid? I want you to find out what you can about how Bart
obtained the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet assuming he in fact
actually has those objects. And Kid Kirby? I want you to find out
everything you can about Dekay and Diskolor. We need to know how Bart
found them and freed them. And assuming Bart hasn't yet freed them then
we need to stop him from doing that."
Occultism Kid and Kid Kirby nodded.
"Look if I may interrupt here," broke in Irony Man. "Where were you,
Ultimate Ninja? When all of this was happening? You were missing for
465 days! What were you doing that was so important that you couldn't
check back to see what was happening here!?"
"During the first 30 or so days I was fishing. As for the rest of the
days -- that cannot be revealed. Not yet. But it was very important,
Irony Man. And it needed to be done. I'm sorry, but that is all I can
say."
"You cannot say?! Or are you too embarrassed to say?! What secret are
you hiding, Ultimate Ninja?!"
"Please. I cannot say anything more. That is the end of this
discussion. Move on to something else."
"Yes. We might as well. Let's move onto something else. What else can
we discuss? Oh yes. Let's talk about another election. I think it's
time the LNH had a new leader. Someone not quite so secretive."
"An election?" asked the Ultimate Ninja. "Are you sure this is the best
time for such a distracting spectacle?"
"The last election was in '95! If not now, when?" Irony Man shot back.
"These days I don't seem to agree with Irony Man about much of
anything," Catalyst Lass said. "But I think he's right. We need a
leader right now that the Legion can put its full trust into. And maybe
that leader is the Ultimate Ninja. And maybe it isn't."
"Are you people kidding?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad rising from his
seat. "He's the Ultimate Ninja! Right now we need the greatest warrior
ever to lead us in this fight! Of course he's the best choice! This
election will be a huge waste of time. Time that we should be using to
prepare for this battle!"
"Oh, no question that the Ultimate Ninja is a great warrior," responded
Irony Man. "If I ever needed an assassin to kill someone, he'd be the
first person I'd hire. But we need someone right now that has
diplomatic skills. We need someone who can work with the government and
the various alien empires. The Dvorakians have complete control over
the Qwerty sector of space. And they're not the easiest people to talk
to. But we'll have to talk to them because we can't afford to get into
a war with the Dvorakian Empire."
"And you're going to talk to them?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad shaking
his head in disbelief.
"No, but I know people who can deal with them."
"That's interesting, Irony Man," the Ultimate Ninja said interrupting
the discussion. "But you'll have to win the election first. Well, I
guess we might as well take a vote on this. Raise your hand if you
think we should have another election." Various hands rose up. "Well,
looks like a majority. Very well. I'll set up an election committee to
gather up nominations."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
"Come in," said Occultism Kid in response to the knocking on his door.
"Hey, Kid Kirby. Good to see you. I've been beating my brains trying
to think up a spell that might beat Dekay and Diskolor. I thought maybe
I could cast a spell that duplicates the four color burst effect that
Four Color Kid let out when he died. What do you think?"
"It will not work. They are far too powerful now for even the death of
one hero to stop them. No. I am afraid it will take many deaths to
stop them."
"Many deaths? Do you know something you're not telling us?"
"Yes. When Bart the Receptionist's time pills seized me and heaved me
to the future I discovered a coded message within the Looniversal
Answering Machine. A coded message left by the LNH that died."
"What was it?"
"I cannot reveal it all at this moment, but I can say that if we are
going to succeed in saving the LNH and the Looniverse you must find the
Book of Deus ex Machinas!"
"The Book of Deus ex Machinas? It's considered to be one of the most
powerful spell books ever written! But it's a legend! No one knows if
it even still exists!"
"For your sake and Looniverse's sake, you must find it. May the Writers
look down on you with favor. Now, I must go." And Kid Kirby exited
Occultism Kid's room.
Occultism Kid sighed to himself. He was going to have to get outside
help for this. Most of his magical books and items were stolen during
the whole Robot Duplicate/Supervillain War. He looked at the broken
stuff on his floor. God. This place was a mess.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Two detective glanced at the crime scene. They were in a trashed hotel
room and on the floor was a man with a katana in his back.
"You know who this is?" said the fat detective.
"Someone I should know?" asked the thin detective.
"Yeah, wReamicus Maximus."
"Names familiar. Someone important?"
"Yeah, kind of. He was this religious leader. Head of the Church of
the Dvandom. Won a Nobel Prize for Peace. Did a lot of TV appearances
on all kinds of shows. A regular on the MacLaughlin Man show -- was on
that reality show -- um -- Hasbeen Heaven. You ever watch that? Had
Mr. T, Tammy Fay Baker, that chick from the 'Facts of Life', and a bunch
of hasbeens all living together in this big old mansion. The person who
didn't end up committing suicide won like a million dollar prize. He
was on that show."
"Oh yeah! He was the crazy naked religious hot tub guy, right? I
remember him! Damn. Well. This is kind of sad."
"Yeah. It's a shame all right. Murder weapon appears to be a Ginsu
Katana. Hmm. Appears to be inscribed. 'Property of the Ultimate
Ninja'. Hmm. There could be clue in that."
"You might be right. Don't suppose that could also be related?" The
thin detective pointed to a blood splattered text on the wall that said
'I Am The Ultimate Ninja!!! Be Afraid!!!!'
"I think you're on to something. Maybe we should bring this Mr.
'Ultimate Ninja' in for little questioning."
"Yeah. Maybe so. So who did win that million dollar prize?"
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Lost Cause Boy Memorial Hospital...
As Cannon Fodder made his way to one of the elevators he stumbled into
Organic Lass.
"Hey, Ori! I heard Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad was moved here after
wReamHack retrieved him. How's he doing?"
"Yes, the LNHHQ is a disaster area so we had to move him here. He'll be
fine. The bullet didn't hit anything vital -- although he did lose a
lot of blood. He's very lucky. Probably would have died if it weren't
for your actions. Right now he's very drugged up -- although if you
want I can let you see him."
"No. That's fine. Let him rest. You look like you could use some rest
too."
Organic Lass laughed. "Yeah, we could all use some. At least as events
go it wasn't a Flame Wars IV or something like that. It could be worse."
Cannon Fodder nodded. "Well, good seeing you. I've got to go back to
the LNHHQ and help around with stuff."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
In a secret abandoned warehouse...
It was one of the biggest secret abandoned warehouses in all of
Net.ropolis. And right at the moment, it was filled to the brim with
all of the nastiest vilest villains that had ever fought against the
LNH. And all of their focus was on one particular person. The
mysterious black armored supervillain known as the Mynabird. And he
spoke to them in a booming voice.
"I freed you from their cages! And I led you in battle against the LNH!
And we won! Oh sure, they weren't actually the LNH -- they were just
robot duplicates that looked like the LNH and had the same powers as the
LNH. But. That's beside the point. They could have been the LNH! And
do you know why we won?"
"Umm -- because they were robot duplicates and not the LNH?" responded
one of villains in the crowd.
"No! Because of teamwork! Because we were all united for one purpose!
And because of my brilliant leadership of course -- although my own
modesty prevents me from pointing that out. But we did that with just
300 or so villains. Think of what we could do with a thousand villains.
And right now as I speak there are jails filled with our brothers and
sisters, each one crying out for salvation. And not just jails on our
planet, but jails on other worlds. We are going break into every single
prison and free them all. And then do you know what we are going to do
when all of these supervillains are free? When all of them are united
for one single purpose? Do you know!!?"
The crowd of villains shrugged their collective heads.
"We are going to march to the LNHHQ!! And crush everything that stands
in our way! And do you know what we're going to do when we get to the
LNHHQ? Do you know!!?"
More shrugs of heads.
"We are going to destroy Easily Discovered Man Lite once and for
all!!!!! Yes!!!! Destroy HIM!!!! Die, Easily Discovered Man Lite!!!
DIE!!!! Muhahhahahahahahahh!!!!!!!!!!" Mynabird pumped both of his
fists in the air.
Silence filled the room as the collective group of villains all had
blank stares on their collective faces. Crickets chirped in the background.
"And -- oh yeah -- Destroy the LNH too. Well that goes without saying
-- I mean really what kind of lunatic would create a vast supervillain
army just for the purpose of destroying one single superhero. Not me.
Nope. What I'm trying to say is -- umm -- Death to the LNH!! Yes,
Death to the LNH!!!"
And five villains started chanting with him. Then 20. Then 40. Then
100. And then the whole room started chanting, 'Death to the LNH!!'
over and over again.
And tiny little creature inside the Mynabird suit looked at this angry
mob of supervillains and smiled to itself.
Soon, Easily-Discovered Man Lite. Soon.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Irony Man looked at the screen in front of him. He was back in his
room. On the screen was a video image of President Hexadecimal Luthor.
"It's done, Hex. The election is go."
<<Good. Then that leaves us with the task of making sure the voters
'choose' the 'right' type of leader.>>
Irony Man shook his head and looked away from the screen. "I don't
know, Hex. I don't know if it matters anymore. Any of this. What
we're doing. Something bad is coming, Hex."
<<Bad?>>
"Yes. Something that could destroy everything. Everyone. You. Me.
Everything. Dekay and Diskolor are returning."
<<Returning? Dekay and Diskolor? What are you talking about, Toony?>>
"Beige Noon. I'm sure the government has files on the whole thing. We
beat them once. But this time? I think the LNH is going to lose. I
don't know why I feel that, but I do. You should have seen the
devastation Hex. Everything dead."
<<I see. Well, I'll have my people look into it. Get some rest, Toony.
We'll talk tomorrow.>>
"Yeah. Sure." The video screen became blue. Irony Man shut it off.
And then he went over to his closet. He grabbed a rather dusty box off
the top of it and went over to his bed. He opened the box. There were
all kinds of things within the box. Awards. Trophies. Mementos from
better times. There was an old yellowish newspaper in a plastic bag.
Irony Man took the paper and unfolded it. It was very brittle. Irony
Man looked at the headline. It was in big letters. And it said,
'MILLIONS DEAD!'
The date on the paper was July 1st, 1992. It was the week Beige Noon
had happened. This newspaper contained an obituary for Irony Man and
Mainstream Man. He had died with millions of other people. He flipped
to the page that contained his obituary. It listed all of the things he
had achieved in life. It made him sound like a decent caring human
being. It made him sound like a hero.
Everyone should have died back then. The whole Looniverse. But they
didn't. No. Some guy by the name of the Four Color Kid on the Fourth
of July stopped the Bryttle Brothers. He died in a rainbow burst that
swept the entire Looniverse undoing all of the damage that the Bryttle
Brothers had caused. Bringing every dead body back to life.
Irony Man sighed to himself and put the paper on his bed. He dug
through the box and took out a picture. It was picture taken before
Beige Noon of all of the LNH'rs. Everyone was so young back then. Just
a bunch of stupid teenagers who thought they could solve all of the
world's problems. That they could make a difference. That they could
change the world. Stupid.
But they didn't change the world. The world changed them.
Irony Man looked through the faces.
Kid Yesterdaze. Retired.
Bibliography Boy. Retired.
Rebel Yell. Gone.
Four Color Kid. Dead.
Comic Snob Boy. Fallen. Dead.
And Irony Man looked at his younger self. Was he falling too? Was he
even a hero anymore? What would his next obituary say?
Irony Man put the picture and newspaper back into the dusty box.
What decays first? Irony Man thought to himself.
What decays first?
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Fearless Leader rubbed his eyes. "Damn Paparazzi!" He watched as the
restaurant management hauled away the photographer from his table.
"Well, I guess we know what the lead is going to be for tomorrow's
Mid.Net.Star," Ripping Dancer said smiling to herself.
"Well, there could be worse headlines I suppose." The two heroes
laughed for a few seconds.
"You know -- You're going to have to get used to this. I mean if you
win the election that is. Become the LNH Leader."
"I don't know." Fearless Leader looked at his plate of food and cut off
another piece of steak. "I don't think I'm going to run. I think I'll
just support the Ultimate Ninja. I don't think I can run this team with
this crisis coming."
"Come on! You'd be a great leader! You should run. I'll be very
disappointed if you don't. You wouldn't want to disappoint me now,
would you?" Ripping Dancer took a sip from her wine glass and gave
Fearless Leader a devilish smile. "Would you?"
Fearless Leader smiled a little while wiping his face with a napkin.
"No. But I don't know. This crisis coming. It's just..."
"You think it's going to be bad?" A slightly worried expression took
over Ripping Dancer's face. "Are we going to be able to beat this?"
"Yeah, I'm sure we will. It's the LNH. We can handle anything."
Fearless Leader wanted to believe what he'd just said, but that wasn't
going to happen. Fearless Leader looked at his steak. The color seemed
wrong. The color of everything seemed wrong. He looked back at Ripping
Dancer. "Your dress. It's torn."
"Oh, that's my power. Hard to control. Are you all right?"
"It's the color. Everything's faded. It's -- Tara. Your face."
Fearless Leader saw what looked like a crack on Ripping Dancer's
forehead. "Tara, there's something wrong with your face!"
"No. Get away from me! Don't touch me!" Ripping Dancer got out of her
chair. Parts of her body started to crumble off. Flake away.
"Tara! Wait!" Fearless Leader looked in horror as Ripping Dancer's
hands and arms started to fall onto the ground. Bursting into dust as
they hit the ground. He quickly got over to where she was. He tried to
catch her from falling even as her legs crumbled beneath her, but as she
hit his arms her entire body fell apart. She had turned to dust. No.
This couldn't be happening.
Fearless Leader looked at the rest of the restaurant and noticed that
the same thing was happening to everyone else. Everyone was crumbling
into a pile of dust. The building itself was starting to crack.
What date was it? What was the date? Fearless Leader saw a yellowish
paper on the floor. Even as he grabbed it, the paper started to crack.
He looked at the date. April 29, 2008. No. It couldn't be. Not
this soon. He wasn't prepared.
Fearless Leader quickly rushed out of the restaurant hurdling over piles
of dust. This wasn't happening. No, it couldn't! He was supposed to
stop this from happening.
And as he reached the outside, he knew he was too late. The stars were
gone. The moon was gone. The sun was gone. The color beige ruled the
heavens.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way. He was supposed to save this
world. Why was this happening?
And he saw two gigantic thrones. And the two monsters that sat on them.
And in between them was a gigantic beige clock. It wasn't midnight.
Almost. But not quite yet. He would kill them. He took two guns out
of his coat. Both guns started to rust as they hit the air. They would
die for this. And he would die too. He started to head towards them.
And then he heard a voice from behind him. "Hope."
"That will be the first thing that decays." Fearless Leader turned
around. It was some man. A man that looked like he had just stepped
out of some black and white movie. He wore an old style fedora and
trenchcoat. Everything about him was black and white. "You should
remember that."
"What? Who the -- Who are you?"
"Names. Been a long time. Yeah, had a name once. God, so long ago."
The black white man took off his hat and paused as if trying to remember
it. "Back in the days, they called me -- They called me the 4-Color
Kid. When I was still alive." He put his hat back on. "Now, I must
go. Remember what I said. Good Luck."
"Wait! It's too late -- it's..." And then Fearless Leader heard the
sound of ringing. The ringing of bells. Fearless Leader turned around
and looked at the beige clock. He was too late. He was...
He was awake. He looked at his alarm clock. 3:00 AM. Damn dream.
He buried his head into his pillow. He shut his eyes.
But he couldn't go back to sleep as much as he tried.
Goddamn dreams.
Damn them to hell.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
1,001,992 BC...
Ancient Qwerty...
A man sits on a throne. Two warriors -- One that bears an uncanny
resemblance to Captain Continuity and another that looks quite a bit
like Kid Kirby stand next to this man and guard him from all harm.
A girl who looks quite a bit like Ripping Dancer dances for him. The
man on the throne ignores the girl and gazes at two small cubes, which
are in the palm of his hand. 1,003,999 years from now these small cubes
will be called LNH Dice. He tosses the dice to the ground and laughs.
This sure beats getting the Ultimate Ninja coffee, Bart thinks grinning
to himself. And the fun's only getting started.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Credits:
Cannon Fodder, wReamHack, wReamicus Maximus, Deductive Logic Man and
Ultimate Ninja are wReam's
Fearless Leader is Dave Van Domelen's
Irony Man is Doug Moran's
Cheesecake Eater Lad is M. Jotham Millheiser's
Contraption Man is Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
Occultism Kid and Kid Recap are Josh Geurink's
Kid Kirby is Jameel al Khafiz's
Captain Cleanup is Maurice Beyke's
Catalyst Lass is Elisabeth Riba's
Organic Lass is Rebecca Drayer's
J. Random Kiwi is Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler's
Dekay and Diskolor, and 4-Color Kid are Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt's...
Bart the Receptionist is Ken Schmidt's
Hexidecimal Luthor is Chris Hare's
Mynabird suit is Rob Rogers's
LNH Dice are Jamas Enright's
Planet Qwerty was either created by Mike Kelly or Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes
Writer's Notes:
Yeah, I know. This is a month late.
Funny how the stuff I wrote on time is better than this blown deadline
one. Sigh.
But it's done. And now onto Beige Midnight.
As for wReamicus being dead. Well, he's been dead before. :)
Now maybe I can get back to writing 'Tales from the Gutterground'.
Arthur "Oh lord" Spitzer
==========
Next Week: Hmm...
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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