LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #142: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Eighteen
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Mar 8 14:23:52 PDT 2020
You can sift through the racc list archive
https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for these stories that make up the eighteenth
section of Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig (or Crisis).
LNH Comics Presents #64 is by me, Arthur Spitzer. It is now the California Kid's
shot at solving this whole mess. Will he figure out who's behind all the
disappearing LNH'rs -- or will he spend the whole issue trying to smuggle some
Superweed to save his dad's soul?
And now we come to #65 by Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler (and me again -- the
delightful parts are by her -- the undelightful parts are all mine). It's almost
the end of April (I mean how many days are there in April 30, 31, 32 -- who knows
that answer) so can the LNH's new leader J. Random Kiwi solve the riddle of the
disappearing LNH'rs before the Ultimate Ninja gets back?
Find out in..
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #142
=====================
Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Eighteen
=====================
From: Arthur Spitzer <arsp... at earthlink.net>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #64: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode
29
Date: Sun, 29 Apr 2007 17:36:12 +0000 (UTC)
It all began on April 29th, 1992 at 17:37:10 GMT (or at 10:37:10 AM
California Time) with one post...
And now Fifteen Years Later...
Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents...
#64
INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG
EPISODE TWENTY-NINE
I'm -- (Another bullet flies past my head) going to die! I'm going to die!!
Okay -- let's -- start...
Jesus Christ! Okay, I'm Kid Recap and...
...I'm in a car!! And all four tires have been blown out -- And -- And
-- Every police car in the world is chasing us!! And the army -- And
this band of crazed chainsaw wielding bikers wearing John McCain masks!!
Helicopters!! Bullets are raining down!! And -- And -- Oh god. We're
in Arizona!! The car we're driving was stolen from Kid Kirby!! It's
full of guns and drugs and adult diapers (And I have to admit that I'm
wearing one of those diapers right now and I'm glad I am!!!)!! And I'm
also wearing an Ultimate Ninja costume. And we're heading towards the
Grand Canyon -- WE'RE HEADING TOWARDS THE GRAND CANYON!! And we're not
stopping -- Oh god we're not stopping!! We're NOT STOPPING!!!
And the person who is driving this vehicle? Who's going to kill us all?
He's telling me something. "Dude," he says, "Being leader of the LNH
is like totally gnarley, dude."
And we're almost to the edge -- And -- And Let's go back to the beginning...
Yes. Let's do that...
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
The California Kid's Day
or
Dude, Where's My Super Weed?
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Oh, and just in case you were wondering how I'll be able to recap all of
what happened while jumping the Grand Canyon -- Well it all comes down
to my recapping powers. You see -- I have the power to recap anything
in any amount of time. So I can stop time if I need to in order to
recap some storyline. But once my recap ends time resumes again. Which
probably means me dying in a horrible bloody car crash at the bottom of
the Grand Canyon. Such is life.
Anyway, let's go back to the beginning...
You see it all began with the Ultimate Ninja going on vacation. Of
course we needed another leader so naturally Fearless Leader stepped in
to fill the position. But then he disappeared. So we picked another
one. And that person disappeared. And eventually Dr. Stomper decided
that Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad would pick the leader. But the Leaders
kept disappearing.
And so 28 disappeared leaders later, Pulls Paper Out of Hats Lad picked
another one. And I went over to that LNH'rs room to tell him...
And that's where all this craziness began.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
April 29th, 2007
8:35 AM Net.ropolis Time
Kid Recap knocked on the door and heard what sounded like a big crash.
He opened the door up to see what was happening. And saw the California
Kid on the floor next to what looked like a shattered glass bong.
"Dude," the California Kid said trying to shove the pieces under his
bed. "It's not what it looks like. It -- Umm -- Acton Lord made me do
it. With his mind control ray voodoo powers. Yeah. That's what
happened! And he also hid this big stash of weed in my closet. I tried
to stop him. But he was too powerful. I just want you to know that I
smoked -- but I did not exhale. Honest truth, dude!"
"Umm -- I think you mean inhale, Brian. And relax. You're the leader now."
"No pretty sure I meant -- whoahh -- what did you say?!"
"You're the leader."
"Dude. Leader?"
"Yep."
"Double Dude. So -- that mean I can sleep in?"
"No. 'Fraid not. You've got a busy day ahead. Better put your costume
on."
"Damn. That sucks." California Kid sighed and stood up. He was
already in his way-cool-surfer Jams shorts that displayed a colorful
picture involving girls in bikinis playing beach volleyball and some
palm trees. He sat in a chair and put on some way-cool sandals. And
then he got up and grabbed his way-cool shades that were lying on a
table near his bed. And finally, he went over to his mirror and grabbed
a tube of zinc oxide. Unscrewing the cap, he squirted the letters C and
K on his chest. He paused for a second as if in deep meditation and
then he turned around in a way-cool manner. "Okay, Dude. I'm ready.
Ready to lead the LNH. Let's rock n' roll, Dudes!!!" The California
Kid pumped his fist in the air.
"Um. Sure. Oh yeah, you need to take this." Kid Recap handed him a pill.
"Umm -- What's this, dude?"
"It's a code pill. It helps you remember all of the LNHQ codes."
"Does it get you high?"
"I don't think so."
"Damn." The California Kid popped it into his mouth.
"Oh, btw I forgot to mention -- your family is here."
"Dude. What did you just say?"
"Your family is here?"
"Oh dude. The family? The Dad Dude? The Mama Dudette? The Sister
Dudette?"
"Um. Yep. There a problem?"
"Yeah, there's a problem. They can't know I'm leader, Dude. They'll
think that something is terribly wrong!"
"Well -- something is terribly wrong, but I see your point."
"You've got to be the leader, Dude!"
"Umm, no. I have no desire to disappear at midnight."
"I mean pretend. Wait. I've got an idea! You could dress up like the
Ninja Dude, Dude!"
"I don't think so. I'm not dressing up like the Ultimate Ninja. No
way. No how."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
20 minutes later...
Kid Recap looked at the Ultimate Ninja costume he was wearing. "How?
How did I get talked into this?" Kid Recap buried his face into his hands.
"I don't know, Kid Recap," replied New Look Lass. "I'd say the color
works for you. You look rather dashing. It gives you an alpha male
type aura. Anything else, California Kid?"
"Nope. Looks good -- New Look Babe. Okay, Ninja Dude -- let's go see
the family."
Kid Recap glared at California Kid while he played with the Ginsu katana
in his belt.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
A dog wearing sunglasses ran up to the California Kid. "Skipper, Dude!"
The California Kid patted him on the head and looked towards the
direction he came from. And there was his family. His Dad. His Mom.
His Sister. All wearing sunglasses.
"Calvin!" shouted the lady who was the California Kid's mom as she waved
at him.
"Calvin?" Kid Recap said with a puzzled expression. "I thought your
name was Brian?"
"Yeah, changed it. Always hated the name Calvin and so I named myself
after the greatest person ever. Brian Wilson. Of course I was so
stoned when I changed it I wasn't sure how to spell Wilson so I made my
last name West instead. But, yeah, my real name is Calvin Fornya. Lame
name." The California Kid sighed. "I guess I better go and meet with
them."
"Hey Calvin!" said the man who was the California Kid's Dad. He
appeared to have a big duffle bag beside him. "Say -- you're Calvin's
boss aren't you -- the Ninja Dude, right? You know -- you look quite a
bit taller on TV," he said looking at Kid Recap. "I'm Hal E. Fornya!
Congressman Hal E. Fornya, actually! So -- you're a ninja! I bet you
must have like a trophy room full of severed human hearts!"
"umm," Kid Recap started to say.
"Dad!" said the college looking girl who was California Kid's sister.
"Please, Mr. Ultimate Ninja -- I want to apologize for my Dad's
culturally insensitive behavior. The only time he has ever seen a Ninja
American are in those horrible stereotype filled films where Ninja
Americans do nothing except pull out human hearts and throw ninja bushes
at their enemies. It's horrible what Hollywood has done to your people.
And I want to apologize for our Capitalistic culture that has walked
all over you. And I want to applaud you for your everyday struggles in
teaching us about the true spirit of the Ninja experience. I'm Mallory,
btw!"
"Umm -- thanks. It's no big deal though," said Kid Recap shaking
Mallory's hand.
"So you don't have a trophy room full of severed hearts?" asked
California Kid's Dad.
"Hal, please!" scolded the woman who was the California Kid's Mom. "Oh,
I'm Sally by the way -- Mr. Ultimate Ninja!"
"Your face looks familiar..." Kid Recap said trying to remember where he
might have seen it.
"Oh, well -- I am a bit of an actress. I've done a number of TV
commercials. And some soaps. And oh yes -- I did quite a lot of porn
in the early 80s." California Kid's Mom gave Kid Recap a wink.
"Mom!" shouted both California Kid and his sister.
"Oh yeah that's it! The..." Kid Recap hesitated as he looked at
California Kid's glaring face. "The Soap Operas -- Yeah, the Soaps --
that's where I've seen your face!"
"Say, Calvin?" said California Kid's Dad. "Is there a place here where
we could talk privately? Man to man, you know?"
"Umm yeah -- I guess. Say, umm Ninja Dude why don't you give my Mom and
little sister a tour of this place? You know -- as a favor to me?"
"I don't know -- Calvin. Does that really seem like something, I, the
leader of the LNH would do? Give tours of the LNHQ? It seems out of
character," Kid Recap said being difficult.
"Please, dude? This one time?"
"Fine." Kid Recap sighed to himself. "Come with me ladies."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
"So, Dad? Thought you were in Rehab. What was it -- Meth with a Gay
Prostitute rehab?"
"That was last summer, son. Totally cured. Even have a certificate
that says I'm totally straight. No, I was in Racist Joke rehab a week
ago. Learned this really funny knee-slapper from Don Imus. Want to
hear it?"
"Please, Dad..." the California Kid said with an embarrassed look.
"Okay. Okay. I guess we really need to get down to business. This is
why I came here."
Hal placed the big duffle bag he had on his son's bed. "This," he said
as he opened the bag. Within the bag were a bunch of smaller bags
filled with something that looked a lot like marijuana.
"Dude! Dad! You can't bring that stuff in here! We've got rules
against drugs and stuff here! Well, rules against certain drugs --
steroids and the occasional joint are okay, but..."
"Look, son. This isn't any ordinary weed. This is superweed. I stole
it from the government. This weed has the power to perform miracles."
"Umm -- miracles? What are you talking about?"
"It can cure cancer. It can cure disease. It can regenerate body
parts. Smoke it enough times and you can stop the aging process. And
not only that but it can be turned into a cheap super fuel that can gas
our cars without polluting the air. And every nutrient your body needs
can be found in this weed. And if a person were to smoke this weed
enough times it would eventually take that person's body to the next
stage of evolution; turning men into supermen. That's what this
superweed is capable of."
"Dude! You serious? We got get this out to the people, dude!"
"No -- I'm afraid we can't do that son. The people can never know about
this."
"Why not?"
"Because it would completely destroy the world. It would completely
wipe out the class structure of civilization. It would turn the world
into some goddamn Hippy Garden of Eden where money was completely
meaningless. Think about the health industry, Calvin! Why buy health
insurance if you can just smoke some pot and cure all of your illnesses?
It would completely destroy the economy. And what happens to all of
those senior citizens who refuse to die when it comes to Social
Security. And making pot legal? Then everyone would smoke it! No,
son. No one can ever know about this Superweed."
"So why are you showing it to me?"
"Because I need you to smuggle it for me to California. I have a buyer
over there interested in obtaining it."
"No way, Dad dude! I'm a hero! Not some drug smuggler! Do it yourself!"
There was a sadness in the California Kid's Dad's eyes. "I'm sorry. I
just can't. I made this bet with this guy -- and I bet so much. I bet
this guy that my son could drive this pot in a car from Net.ropolis to
Los Angeles in less than twelve hours."
"A twelve hour drive from Net.ropolis to LA? That's impossible! Why
did you make that bet?"
"Because I was coked out of my mind, son!"
"What did you bet?"
"The house. All the money. Your Mom."
"My Mom? You bet my Mom?!"
"Yeah. And I kind of bet your sister. And the dog."
"You bet the Skipper Dude?! Wait. Who were you betting with?"
"This guy by the name of..." CK's Dad paused and cleared his throat.
"Satan."
"Satan? The Satan Dude? You made a bet with Satan?"
CK's Dad nodded weakly.
"Oh dude. What do you get if you win?"
"My soul." CK's Dad's eyes started to well up. "My soul, son. My
goddamn soul."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
"I don't know, CK," Kid Recap said after he heard the California Kid's
account of what his Dad had told him. "I don't think you can bet other
people's souls. Just your own. I think your Dad is lying to you."
The California Kid looked down at the duffle bag. "It doesn't matter.
Even if he is double-dealing me -- I got to save him -- he's my Dad."
Kid Recap gave an understanding nod. "You could use the LNH teleporter
to transfer the weed."
"No. The rules are that I have to drive it. Can't even use a
flight.thingee. Just a car. Wheels touching the road at all times.
Those are the rules."
"In less than 12 hours? I'm not sure that's possible. You'd need to
drive like 300 miles an hour. I don't think the LNH has a car that goes
that fast."
"Kid Kirby does."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Both of the heroes gazed at the technological monster that was Kid
Kirby's car. It kind of looked a bit like a Cadillac, but with all
kinds of kibytech growing out of it.
"Are you sure we should be doing this? Driving this without permission.
What would Kid Kirby...?"
"It's okay Dude! I'll explain it to him when he comes back."
"But you're going to disappear at midnight!"
"Oh yeah. Guess you're going to have to explain it to him. Now how are
we going to hot wire this baby?"
"I think I can help you with that," said a mysterious voice from behind
the shadows. Out stepped a big man wearing a trenchcoat. He pulled out
a big ass knife from his trenchcoat.
"The Knife Fight Dude!" California Kid said recognizing him.
"Who?" Kid Recap said trying to place the face. "Oh yeah, I remember
now. You're that guy who always solves problems with knife fights.
First appearance the Cauliflower miniseries. What do you want?"
"To help. You're off to battle Satan. Aren't you?"
"Maybe," Kid Recap said reluctantly.
"You see this?" The Knife Fight Dude pointed to a spot on his head
where an ear should have been. "Lost it in a knife fight. A knife
fight with Satan! You don't know what you're facing. But I do. I know
how his mind works. I can help you beat him. But you're going to need
to buy some stuff first."
"Umm -- what kind of stuff, dude?"
"Guns. Lots of guns. And rubber-tubing. And a sledge hammer. And
some duct tape. And some pepper spray. And some snacks. Lots of
snacks! And diapers!!"
"Diapers?" asked Kid Recap.
The Knife Fight Dude nodded. "It's going to be a long road trip."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
"Guns 'n Diapers Mart? Guns 'n Diapers Mart? We're in a store called
Guns 'n Diapers Mart?" said a rather disturbed Kid Recap as he browsed
the aisles.
"You got a problem with that?" said a slightly irritated Knife Fight
Dude. "Sometimes a person needs Guns and Diapers! That's just the way
life is!" The Knife Fight Dude began wielding his knife in an agitated
manner.
"Okay, man. Chill out. Just chill out. Let's just buy stuff and get
on the road. Okay?" said Kid Recap trying to not get stabbed in any
part of his body.
"Dude. We've got a problem." The California Kid pointed his hand
towards a very old guy who seemed to be sticking up the cashier.
The robber wore a black cowboy hat and had a red bandanna over his
mouth. He had turquoise bolo tie around his neck. His shirt was a
"Wallace and Ladmo" shirt. And it had an 'Elect Alice Cooper for
President' button attached to it. And the color of his gun was copper.
The robber glanced over into the direction of heroes. "You!" he said
with a voice that sounded like Barry Goldwater. "My greatest
arch-enemy! The California Kid!"
The California Kid gave a nod. "The Arizona Kid."
"Well -- if it ain't the California Kid and his LNH posse! So -- you
looking for a showdown? Or maybe you're ready to give up your Colorado
River rights?"
"Never! The Colorado River is mine, dude!"
"We'll see about that city slicker. Get ready and draw!"
"Wait!" the Knife Fight Dude said trying to bring a little sanity to the
proceedings. "Let's just calm down. I'm sure there's another way we
can solve this problem. Some sensible way. A rational way."
"Like what way do you reckon, pardner?" the Arizona Kid said in a
curious manner.
"Like with a..." suddenly the Knife Fight Dude pulled a big ass knife
out of his trenchcoat. "KNIFE FIGHT!!!!!!" And then the Knife Fight
Dude repeatedly stabbed the Arizona Kid with that same knife in a savage
manner.
"Dude. You totally killed my greatest arch-enemy, dude!"
"Yes, sorry about that." The Knife Fight Dude gazed at his bloody
hands. "You're going to have to go on without me. The Cops are coming.
I'll explain everything to them. Go! Stop Satan!"
"Umm. Okay dude." Then Kid Recap and the California Kid went to the
check-out counter to purchase their items and then they hopped into Kid
Kirby's car and hit the highway.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
4 hours later...
The California Kid looked at his watch. "Man, this car is like totally
fast! We're already in California! And we still have like eight hours
to kill! Dude this is totally -- oh wait. Just remembered something."
The California Kid slapped himself in the face.
"What? What's wrong?"
"We forgot the Superweed!!! It's back at the LNHHQ!!!!"
"Oh Jesus." Kid Recap shook his head.
"Relax, dude. Still got eight hours. Just need to go back to Net.ropolis."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
Image: A Map of the United States. A Tiny little car representing Kid
Recap and the California Kid's progress on the map. An image of the car
going from California to Net.ropolis again in a dotted line. Sound
Effects of a car driving with police cars chasing it.
End of Image.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
4 hours later...
"Okay, dude. We're back in the LNHHQ. Just need to get that bag of
Superweed and..." But before the two heroes could do that they
encountered a koala dressed up like some Roman centurion wielding some
type of ray gun.
"Halt Heroes! I am Kal-Sor-Ran the Devastator!! I have come here to
conquer your pathetic little planet and make it a part of the
Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic Empire!! Are you the one they
call the Ultimate Ninja?"
Kid Recap sighed to himself. He was still dressed in an Ultimate Ninja
costume. "Yes. That would be me."
"There are two ways that we can handle this," Kal-Sor-Ran continued.
"We can attack you with our overwhelming space fleet in which case
millions will probably die or we, the two champions of our respected
races, could decide who will win the war with an arm wrestling contest!!
It is your decision Earthling!"
"An arm wrestling contest?" Kid Recap thought about it for a second.
"Dude, you can so take this guy!" the California Kid said in a
reassuring way to Kid Recap.
"Okay then. I accept your challenge."
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
10 minutes later...
"And we will expect a yearly tribute of a million of your finest
eucalyptus trees and a million of your sexiest female koalas." With
that said Kal-Sor-Ran transported himself away.
Kid Recap rubbed his arm. "I can't believe I just lost the planet Earth
to a koala!"
"Dude, relax. We can solve this whole being conquered by an
Intergalactic Empire problem some other time. We need to get the
Superweed to California! In four more hours it will be midnight!"
Kid Recap sighed to himself.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
And that's basically how I got to where I am right now. Hovering over
the Grand Canyon. Do I have anything else to add? Nope. I guess I'm
finished with this recap. And I can start screaming again.
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
"Aaaahhahahahahhgggghghghhghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Kid Recap.
<<This is the Car's Computer speaking. It appears we are plummeting to
our death. Would the driver like the anti-gravity stabilizers to be
turned on?>>
"Umm -- Sure Computer Dude." And the car stopped falling and began
floating in mid-air.
"Thanks Computer Dude. You Okay Kid Recap?"
"Are we dead yet? Are we dead yet?" said a trembling Kid Recap.
"Not yet. Okay Computer Dude. Let's get this baby to California!"
//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\**//////*\\\\\\//////*\\\\\\
11:45 PM California Time
"You know, CK? I just realized something. You should have disappeared
by now. It's already tomorrow in Net.ropolis."
"Yeah, I know dude. But I'm always on California Time. Well, we're
here. Pacific Coast Highway. Malibu, California." The California Kid
parked the car next to the street. "California. Been along time since
I've been here."
"Actually we were here like eight hours ago."
"Oh yeah. Forgot about that."
A black limousine pulled up close to them. It smelled of brimstone.
Out of it stepped a large beast. The Beast was dressed in Versace
leather and had a white pimp hat. Gigantic Red Horns stabbed out of the
hat. The rest of him was red too. And his feet were cloven hooves.
Each step he made seemed to melt the ground and cause the earth to
whimper. The Rolling Stones 'Sympathy for the Devil' started to play.
Satan had arrived.
The two heroes loaded their guns and then stepped out of the car with
the big duffle bag.
Cautiously the two walked over to where Satan was standing.
"Is that the Superweed?" said Satan. "Bring it over here. I want to
sample it."
The California Kid dropped the bag near Satan's feet and then unzipped
the bag. Satan grabbed one of the bags and tore it open. And then he
rolled himself a joint. With a snap of his fingers a flame jutted out
lighting the joint.
Satan took a drag. "Oh yeah. That's the @#&*! That's humanities
utopian dream burning up!! Damn, this is the best! Well, looks like
I'll be on my way. Thanks for the stuff."
"Wait! What about my Dad's soul?"
"I'm sorry. But you broke the rules. You were supposed to just drive
here. But. Well -- there's that whole thing with flying over the Grand
Canyon. Sorry -- Rules are Rules." Satan zipped up the bag and started
to head towards his limo.
"No Way, Dude! You're going to give me my Dad's soul, Satan! You're
going to give it to me now!"
Satan laughed and then he turned around. "Really now. What are you
going to do to me? Dude me to death? I'm Satan, you fool! The Prince
of Darkness! Ruler of Hell! Emperors and Popes have kissed my feet!
You are a speck on the eye of a speck compared to me!"
"Dude. Oh dude. This isn't Hell, Satan. Maybe everywhere else I'm
just this slacker type who says the word dude over and over again. But
here. In this place I have power. This is the heart of my power. This
is my Kingdom."
Suddenly, the sound of "Sympathy for the Devil" was absorbed by the
music of the Beach Boy's "California Girls".
"My power stretches back before the '49 gold rush. Before the Spanish
Conquistadors. Before even the La Brea Tar Pits were formed."
The California Kid began to levitate off the ground.
"I am the burning sand of Death Valley. I am the towering red wood
forests. I am inescapable Alcatraz. I am LA traffic. I am the San
Andreas Fault."
The ground began to shake.
"I am the botox injected faces of every celebrity. I the length of time
experienced watching the Academy Awards. I am Barry Bonds's steroids."
Kid Recap looked in horror as the California Kid's body started to swell
up. He was starting to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I am the LA riots. I am the OJ Simpson Trial. I am the 2003
California Recall Election. I am Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch."
The fabric of reality in the California sky started to tear apart.
Psychedelic colors began to leak out.
Satan put his hands on his head and screamed. A normal mind would have
been incredibly fried at this point. But even Satan's head -- a head
that contained all of the sins ever committed and every horrible deed --
couldn't contain the full Californication that was being shoved into his
head. "What are you -- Doing? Stop! Can't take it! This can't be
happening! Oh hell! The word Gnarly! I understand what it means! No!
I don't want to understand it! No! Please!!!"
"I'm every Hollywood Ending where Good triumphs over Evil and the dork
gets the hot supermodel."
Satan was down on his knees. He started to cough up something. It was
red. It was jam. Strawberry Jam. Knott's Berry Farm Strawberry Jam.
"What are you doing to me? Stop -- Please! Can't take anymore!"
The California Kid took off his way-cool sunglasses. The California Sun
blazed out of his eyes. "Dude. I'm the California Kid. And you're So
Toast."
"I give in!! You can have it!! Your father's soul!! It's yours!!
Just stop it!! Please!! I beg you!!" Satan quickly rushed to his limo
and took out a glass jar. He handed the jar over to the California Kid.
"It doesn't matter anyway. I've got billions of souls. One soul
doesn't matter. And I've got the Superweed. Humanity's last chance to
achieve paradise. Have your Dad's soul, California Kid. I imagine it
will come to me again sometime in the future." Satan laughed and then
grabbed the duffle bag full of Superweed.
The California Kid looked into the jar. There was his Dad's soul. His
Dad's soul kind of looked like a colorful pig with wings. He just
stared at it for awhile. "Why, Dad? Why do you do this? Why can't you
stop and --?"
The California Kid shook his head. And then he opened the jar. The pig
with wings flew out of it. Up into the sky. And away. "You're free,
Dad. You're free." A tear fell out of his eye. And then he disappeared.
And right as the California Kid vanished a swarm of police cars and
helicopters suddenly appeared.
<<Everyone!! Put down your guns!! You are all under arrest!! Lay down
your weapons!! And get on the ground!! Slowly!!>> shouted a mega-phone
coming from one of the helicopters.
"Oh Jesus." Kid Recap put up his hands and slowly got to the ground.
"What the --? You can't arrest me!! I'm Satan!!"
<<Mr. Satan!! Put your hands up and Get on the ground!!>>
"You can't do this to me!! I'm Satan!! I built this Country!! I made
America Great!! I'll sue you all!!"
"You have the right to remain silent, Satan. Anything you say may be
used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an --"
"Lay off me, Sugar Tits!! I'll have you know that I'm good friends with
the President!! You're all going to be fired!! I pay taxes!! No, I'm
not going to take a breathalyzer test!! I'm Satan!!!!!"
After awhile the cops handcuffed Satan and drove him away in the back of
a police cruiser. Two FBI agents interrogated Kid Recap.
"So you're saying that Acton Lord used his mind-control voodoo rays on
you all through this ordeal."
"Yep. That's about right."
"And the California Kid. He was actually an alien shapeshifter?"
"Yep. That's my story."
"Well, I guess that makes sense. Anything else we should know?"
Kid Recap though about it. "Nope. I don't think so. Oh, yeah! What's
going to happen with the Superweed?"
"Superweed? There is no Superweed. There never was any Superweed.
It's best that you don't even think of the word 'Superweed'." With that
the two FBI agents left the scene.
"Whatever." Kid Recap looked around. He was still in Malibu. Wearing
an Ultimate Ninja costume. And a diaper. It was strange how the police
had easily taken care of Satan. It must have been the lingering effect
of California Kid's 'Hollywood Ending' powers. And then he noticed that
he was all alone. The police were all gone and had confiscated Kid
Kirby's car and Satan's limo. He'd have to call for a flight.thingee.
He took out his com.thingee. Damn. It seemed to be broken. Guess he'd
have to hitch hike to a phone.
And as he pulled out his thumb and waved it in the air, a car came by.
It was a red corvette filled with hot supermodels with enough room for
just one person. "Need a lift?" said a sexy Swedish voice.
"Yeah. Thanks." Kid Recap hopped right in.
And the car drove off into the California Night.
And the Beat Farmer's song 'The California Kid' played away on the radio.
Credits:
The California Kid......................Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
Kid Recap...............................Josh Geurink
New Look Lass...........................Charles Fitzgerald
Satan...................................Guy who wrote the
Bible
The Knife Fight Dude....................Arthur Spitzer
Congressman Hal E Fornya................Arthur Spitzer
Sally Fornya............................Arthur Spitzer
Mallory Fornya..........................Arthur Spitzer
Skipper Dude............................Arthur Spitzer
Computer Dude...........................Arthur Spitzer
Kal-Sor-Ran.............................Arthur Spitzer
Arizona Kid.............................Arthur Spitzer
Superweed...............................The Evil Government
Sugar Tits..............................Mel Gibson
Ultimate Ninja costume..................New Look Lass
Kirby's Car.............................Kid Kirby
Dude....................................Dude
Director................................Arthur Spitzer
Writer..................................Arthur Spitzer
Crossover Concept.......................Tom Russell and
Rob Rogers
Legion of Net.Heroes....................Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
and a cast of
thousands...
Writer's Notes:
Well, damn -- it's been 15 years. What can I say? 15 years ago a man
by the name of Dan'l Danehy-Oakes posted a reply to some spelling error
correction, which started the avalanche known as the LNH. Who's to say
what might have happened if he hadn't written that post. Perhaps we'd
all be Superguy writers or something. Who knows.
But he did. And now it's fifteen years and a thousand stories later
(well I don't know how many stories there really are, but a thousand
seems like a good number). I wonder what ol' Dan'l would make of this
ungodly beast.
Of course Dan'l Danehy-Oakes also created the Character the California
Kid in the same post (I guess though Spelling Boy would technically be
the first LNH'r). The California Kid's original power was to read
commix weeks after everyone else has discussed 'em. And sometime after
that he became known for using Dude in almost every sentence. Not too
much was ever done with fleshing him out.
The Roster had his name being Brian West, but I'm not sure if that info
ever appeared in any story. This isn't a great story. At the end of it
I was just madly typing just to get it finished with so I could start
writing the Cannon Fodder issue (which I'm madly typing away as we speak).
As for California Kid's god like abilities he displays here I figure
that he can only do this stuff in California. The rest of the world
he's just this slacker who says the word dude. But I figured every
LNH'r deserves their own mythic moment.
Man, 15 years.
The Cannon Fodder issue should be closer to the more traditional type of
story celebrating the LNH's rich 15 year history. Whenever that comes out.
This story on the other hand is about the California Kid. So there you
go, dudes.
Arthur "Californicated" Spitzer
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #65: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode
30
Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2007 19:40:20 +0000 (UTC)
LNH Comics Presents #65
INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode 30
"J. Random Kiwi"
by Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
April 30th 2007
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad stared down at the piece of paper
in his hand.
"J. Random Kiwi???"
Everyone looked around in bewilderment, and then a small
chirping noise made them look down.
"Kiwi!"
*****
Ten hours later:
New Look Lass sighed and tucked her arms more tightly around
herself. "How much longer now?"
"Five more hours," Squeaky Clean said morosely.
On the roof of the LNHHQ, the complete (remaining) forces of
the assembled LNH sighed, and went back to following their
duly-chosen leader's orders.
Sitting.
"KIWI!" Their new leader sighed happily.
All was right in the world. Until midnight, anyway.
*****
Add-on by Arthur Spitzer
"Well, I'm glad that's over with. Worst Leader Ever," commented
Kid Recap.
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad nodded. "The part I hated the most was
when he forced us to do the hokey pokey. I hope we've seen the last of
that sadistic monster!"
"At least it's May 1st. Ultimate Ninja should be back sometime
today. Hopefully, he can fix this."
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad looked at his watch. "Actually, it's
April 31."
"Can't be. April only has 30 days."
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad shrugged. "Hey, Robo-Stomper! How
many days does April have?"
Robo-Stomper looked over at them. "An Infinite Amount."
The heroes groaned.
****
To be continued...
****
Character credits:
J. Random Kiwi created by Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler, and not reserved.
New Look Lass created by Charles Fitzgerald, and not reserved.
Squeaky Clean created by Maurice Beyke, and not reserved.
Kid Recap created by Josh Geurink, and not reserved.
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad created by Arthur Spitzer, and not
reserved.
Arthur's Notes:
Jaelle thought Kid Recap and PPOoH Lad's assessment of Poor J Random
Kiwi's leadership skills were a bit harsh. And I agree, but the way I
figure it is that the stress is getting to them and that they're
probably boozing it up so their objectivity about such matters should be
suspect.
Arthur "Or Maybe I'm just an evil writer" Spitzer
==========
Next Week: More leaders! More disappearing -- Part XVIV!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
More information about the racc
mailing list