LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #138: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Fourteen

[Drew Perron]

On 2/9/2020 4:18 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> LNH Comics Presents #58 and 58.5 are by Rob Rogers.  It's Easily-Discovered Man's
> turn in the leadership chair.

Oh, I love these issues! :D

> But will the
> number 58.5 be the break away hit star of this issue and get an incredibly long
> miniseries out of it (And will that miniseries involve betting on baseball games)?

:3

>      "One more time, my dear Grace Notes,"
> Doctor Glockenspiel said, glaring at the
> women around him.  "And this time, put
> some FEELING into it."

I love Doctor Glockenspiel!

>      "Is this really part of the reality show?"
> one asked, scratching her head with the enormous
> mallet she'd been asked to carry.  "I don't see
> the cameras anywhere.  And all of those people
> waiting to get on the bridge look really..."
> 
>      "You don't SEE the cameras because they're
> HIDDEN cameras," Doctor Glockenspiel snapped.
> "Now listen, ladies, I realize this has been
> difficult for some of you.  But look around!
> We have a beautiful morning, all of you look
> lovely, and we're about to present AN
> INGENIOUS DEVICE THAT WILL PLUNGE NET.ROPOLIS
> INTO EVERLASTING DARKNESS!  And nobody wants
> to get voted off the show at this point, do
> they?"

Heeheeheehee

> 
>      The women shook their heads.  Each was
> standing at the base of one of the support
> cables holding up the McCoskey Bridge.  The
> cables, in turn, had each been fitted with a
> fifteen-foot rectangular metal plate, tuned to
> a specific frequency -- a modification that
> had, in effect, transformed the entire
> suspension bridge into a massive glockenspiel.

This is such a good over-the-top supervillain plan

>      "All I want is a glockenspiel
>      Lots of power for me to wield
>      Maybe a sweet force field
>      Oh wouuuuuldn't that be villainy?"

Heeheeheehee

>      "Now," he continued, "cease this
> contumacious caterwauling and surrender
> yourselves to the sweet melodies of justice!"

EDM has such good dialog.

>      "You ignored me the first time I struck,
> Legion of Net.Heroes," Doctor Glockenspiel said,
> reading from a large blue card held by one of
> the Grace Notes.  "You laughed at my second
> attack.  But this time... THIS TIME, THE WORLD
> WILL NOT ASK FOR WHOM THE BELLS TOLL!  THEY
> WILL TOLL FOR... well, for the world," he
> muttered, his eyebrow furrowing.  "Who wrote
> this one?"
> 
>      "Sorry," the curly-haired Grace Note said.
> "I was running late for my costume fitting."

Heeheeheehee

>      "Why is the man with the happy face suit
> glowing?" a blonde Grace Note asked.  "Is he going
> to be all right?"
> 
>      "Is he going to explode?" another Grace Note
> asked.
> 
>      "It's entirely possible," Lite said.

X3

> But while
> I'm working that out, how about stepping back
> and letting someone else tune Doc Glock's
> instrument?"
> 
>      "Hey!  That was almost an off-color remark!
> And in front of my Grace Notes!" Doctor
> Glockenspiel said.

Heeheehee

>      "Hello," said Girlwatcher, staring at the
> curly-haired Grace Note.  "Could I talk you into
> lifting your mallet a little?  Just... like...
> aaaaaahhhhh.  That's perfect.  Just perfect."

I love how Rob writes Girlwatcher. X3

> And since every good musical bridge
> leads to a chorus,

*Musical bridge*. I just got that. X3 I love how dense the humor is, holy crap

>      "...And then after I got my degree in dental
> hygeine, I decided I wanted to do something artistic,"
> the curly-haired Grace Note was explaining.
> 
>      "That's the most fascinating story I've ever
> heard," Girlwatcher said, transfixed.

X3 X3 X3

>      The boy studied the glowing hero with
> curiosity.  "An Oriental super-hero?  And a
> Mexican?" he added, taking in Easily-
> Discovered Man Lite.  "And your names and
> powers aren't based on your ethnicities?
> I must be in the 21st century."

Heeheehee

>      "But we are not law enforcement, my
> antipodean adventuress," Easily-Discovered
> Man said. 

And thank fuck for that

>      "Why do you put up with him?" Ripping
> Dancer asked a few moments later, as she
> and Lite pedaled through the crowds at the
> edge of the bridge.
> 
>      "The Prof?" Lite asked.  "Nine-twenty-
> five an hour."

That's way more than I was getting paid in 2007, that's for sure.

>      "... then you might as well prepare
> yourself for a life of flipping burgers or
> pumping gas," Lite said.  "Every teacher I
> ever had -- hell, every adult I ever met
> told me I was trying too hard, that I needed
> to lower my expectations.
> 
>      "Then I met the Prof," Lite continued.
> And he told me that not only was I just as
> good as all the superpeople who were flying
> around the city, but that I could even stand
> up to some of them, if it came to that."

HELL YEAH!

>      "But you know he's completely insane,"
> Ripping Dancer said.  "I mean, you have to
> know that."
> 
>      Lite grinned.
> 
>      "The longer I stay on this job, the more
> I'm convinced that everybody's crazy," he
> said.  "The best anyone can do is decide what
> kind of crazy he can live with.
> 
>      "Besides," Lite added, "if you've
> hooked up with this outfit, you must be a
> little bit crazy yourself."
> 
>      "Something like that," Ripping Dancer
> said, keeping her eyes on the road.

YES GOOD CHARACTER INTERACTION REFLECTING EACH SIDE'S BACKGROUND AND ETHOS :D :D :D

>      "I'm sorry," Mouse said, after they had
> gone a little further.  "That came out a lot
> less... I mean a lot more..."
> 
>      "We're going to find Writers Block Woman,"
> Lite said.  "And she's going to be fine."

awwwwwwwwh <3

> 
>      Mouse nodded.  "I know.  I know," she said.
> "You know, I'm actually really pleased they chose
> Easily-Discovered Man as leader.  If he disappears
> at midnight, like all the others... well, I mean,
> how hard could it be to find someone who calls
> himself Easily-Discovered Man?"
> 
>      Lite said nothing.
> 
>      "Sorry," Mouse said.

Awwwwwwwwh! ;-;

>      The two sidekicks and the other heroes
> continued cycling toward downtown Net.ropolis,
> with the exception of Procrastination Boy,
> who had remained standing on the bridge.
> 
>      "Okay," he said, raising his fists at
> last.  "I'm ready to take on Doctor
> Glockenspiel."

heeheeheeheehee <3 <3 <3

>      "This guy is great," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a
> Boy said.  "He's from a time when men were
> men, women were babes, and every one of 'em
> smoked rich, smooth Virginia tobacco, and
> didn't give a damn where they did it."

Man, even if I didn't know what was gonna happen I'd hate this guy

>     "Yes!  Shrine!  Build the shrine!" the Magic
> Fruitcake giggled, laughing hysterically until
> Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy doused it with his coffee.

X3

>      "I'm saying that I've been to the future,"
> Charlie Hustle said.  "And the things I'm telling
> you about -- the things you already know about,
> if you read the papers -- they're just the tip
> of the iceberg.  People are going to look back
> on this president and this period in Ame.rec.an
> history in the way your people look at the Shah
> of Iran or Argentina's dirty war."

I mean, on the one hand he's super not wrong, but on the other, ha ha, god you 
don't know what's coming @-@

>      "My friends," he said, when the room had
> attained a semblance of order.  "Truly all of
> us assembled here owe a debt of thanks to our
> wandering warrior from another time.  And few
> persons appreciate debates over issues of
> substantive merit more than myself."
> 
>      "The hell you do!" barked Starts-Arguments-
> For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid.

heeheehee

>      "However," Easily-Discovered Man continued,
> "what Charlie is suggesting lies far outside the
> parameters of activity within which our august
> body has always seen fit to inhabit.  The Legion
> of Net.Heroes has ever been, and shall ever be,
> a beacon illuminating those lofty heights of
> achievement and conduct to which others may
> aspire.  It is not a castle from which to
> impose our will upon the world."

I mean, there are definitely other options than "do nothing" and "overthrow the 
government all by yourselves".

>      "Look," Charlie Hustle said.  "It's not like
> I haven't been in this situation before.  I
> helped Teddy Roosevelt boot the Spaniards out of
> Cuba.  I got Thomas Jefferson out of Richmond
> right before the British burned the city.  And
> I was there in 2086 when the Linux Network Heroes
> overthrew the Windoverlord.

Heeheehee

>      "Yes.  Well.  Here it is, then," the villain
> continued in his mangled British accent.  "Doctor
> Glockenspiel was defeated by a super-fast hero
> from the distant past, an outcome which none of us
> in the community could have predicted.  Or so we
> thought."
> 
>      "Are you saying that someone did?  Someone
> bet on exactly that thing happening?"
> 
>      "And made millions, too," Londonbroil said.
> "As one might expect from winning such a long
> shot."

Hmmmmm yes, an excellent premise.

> "He also staked quite a lot of money on the
> peculiar idea that your Legion was going to
> assassinate the President of the Usenetted States
> of Ame.rec.a this afternoon.  Cheers."

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN...

>      "I simply do not think that marketing a
> 'Tickle Me Ultimate Ninja' doll is wise under any
> circumstances," Easily-Discovered Man said.

omg

>      "There's more," Lite said.  "He's planning on
> implicating the LNH in the assassination of the
> president."
> 
>      "Ooh.  That's bad," PR Kid said.  "That would
> not play well in the red states."
> 
>      "That would explain why he insisted on
> leading a team to Washington.gov," Easily-
> Discovered Man said, stroking his chin.
> 
>      "Please tell me you didn't let him," Lite
> said.  "Or at least that you gave him bad
> directions."
> 
>      "Better," Easily-Discovered Man said.  "I
> assigned No-Point Lad, Procrastination Boy and
> Time-Waster Lad to his team."
> 
>      "That will slow him down," Lite agreed.  "But
> it won't stop him.

Heeheehee ah gosh I can't cut anything it's such good banter

>      "But Substitute Lad is serving a suspension,
> following that incident where he very nearly
> erased a girl's mind using Super Apathy Lad's
> powers," Easily-Discovered Man said.

I really need to re-read The Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man.

>      "I'd have been here sooner," Substitute Lad
> said, "but I had to get Procrastination Boy,
> Time-Waster Lad and No-Point Lad out of the
> area.  Sending them on a reconnaissance mission
> with particle beam cannons disguised as
> binoculars was inspired, by the way."

Heeheehee

>      "Probably not," Substitute Lad said, hurtling
> over a toll booth gate.  "But Easily-Discovered
> Man has revoked your membership, in any and all
> incarnations of the Legion."
> 
>      "I'll be sure to send him a rat's ass later
> on, in appreciation of how much that particular
> distinction means to me," Charlie Hustle said.
> 
>      "Of course," Substitute Lad said.  "But we
> checked with the folks at the betting parlor, and
> if no member of the LNH is involved with the
> assassination, you forfeit the wager."

 >:D

>      "You know, I've never had to do this before,"
> Hustle said, pausing at the entrance of the room.
> "Every other time, every other Legion I've
> encountered was more than willing to help me do
> what was required to save humanity."
> 
>      "And enable you to profit in the process?"
> the phosphorescent hero asked.
> 
>      "Revolutions don't come cheap," Charlie
> Hustle said.  "I've taken money from criminals to
> fight criminals, whether they're living in cheap
> hotels, or the White House... or Legion
> headquarters..."

Another white boy who thinks he knows shit about what it takes to make a 
revolution. It's because of people like this that the '80s happened.

>      "You know I'll just vibrate through these in
> a..." he began, then screamed "My speed!  What
> the hell have you done to my speed!"
> 
>      "Those devices on your arms were originally
> constructed by Macroman, in order to help him
> control his uncanny powers of locomotion," Easily-
> Discovered Man said.  "With a bit of tinkering by
> Innovative-Offense Boy, it seems we can use
> them to moderate your abilities, as well."

YESSSSS extremely good callback

>      "People like you are always doing everything in
> your power to put people like me down," he said,
> staring with hatred at Easily-Discovered Man and
> Easily-Discovered Man Lite, who had just entered the
> room.  "You need to cripple us, to blind us, to
> stand in the way of what we can do because you can't
> accept the fact that you'll never be able to do what
> we can, to even conceive of what we can accomplish
> with our abilities."
> 
>      Charlie Hustle  shook his head.  "You don't
> deserve what we do for you," he said.

Yeah, you and Elon Musk, right? >:/

>      "You're right about one thing," the older
> Charlie Hustle said, leaning forward in his
> wheelchair.  "I did get out of LNH custody.  I did
> get back to my own time, and to doing what I'd
> always done.  And everything went fine... until I
> stiffed Y-Plex Burp on a bet.  There are still parts
> of my legs they haven't found."
> 
>      "You're lying," Charlie Hustle said, shaking
> his head.  "You can't be me.  This is all a..."
> 
>      "Wheel me in closer," the older Hustle said.
> "Let me show him the scars."
> 
>      The Central Command Center echoed with the
> sounds of the younger Charlie Hustle's screams.

Oof, wow. @. at v Super intense.

>      "You're taking this immanent disappearance
> thing awfully well, Professor," Ripping Dancer
> said, as they gathered a few minutes before
> midnight beside Substitute Lad's infirmary bed.
> "Heck, Lite looks more shaken up about the
> whole thing than you do."

oh no I know what's coming

>      "When you see my mum, just tell her,"
> Mouse paused, then looked up at Easily-Discovered
> Man.  "Tell her that I love her.  And that the
> sale on spring footwear is continuing for another
> week."

d'awwwwww

>       "I know what you're up to!" said Kid Not-
> Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour Story, bursting
> into the room.  "All of you!  All of you writers!
> You're not including me in this storyline because
> you want to change my name to 'Kid-Not-Appearing-
> In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Or-Infinite-Leadership-Cry.Sig-
> Story!'  Well, I'm not having any of it,"
> he said, and stormed out again.

X3 X3 X3

>      "Prof," Lite said, as the minute hand swung
> towards twelve, "it's been an honor and a privilege.
> You've shown me what it means to be a hero every
> minute we've known each other.  And if I had to
> do it over again... I'd have asked for more money.
> But I'd do it over again in a second."

aaaaaaaaaa ;-;

>      "I... I am!" Easily-Discovered Man gasped.
> "Wonder of wonders!  So it is that even the
> unslakable maw of our unknowable foe quivers,
> nay, trembles before daring to snatch away
> the phosphorescent paragon of pan-dimensional
> power that is Easily-Discovered Man!  It
> is just as I have always observed -- or would
> you not agree, Lite?"
> 
>      "Lite?"
> 
>      "He's gone," Cynical Lass said.

DUN DN DUNNNNN...

>      "That sad, silly bastard," Sarcastic Lad
> said.  "You mean he was the leader all day and
> never even knew it?"
> 
>      "Hey!" Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad
> said.  "Have some faith in our semi-democratic
> process.  I told him this morning, as soon as I
> pulled his name out of the hat.  He's the one who
> folded the paper over, put it back in, and told me
> to announce you as the leader."
> 
>      "A true leader knows when to delegate,"
> Easily-Discovered Man said, shaking his head.
> "That is what he told me.  It was the best day
> I have ever experienced in the course of my life.
> The greatest gift, the greatest honor I have ever
> received, or will ever receive.  And I never even
> knew to thank him."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;; IT'S SO HECKING GOOD

Drew "I love their relationship" Nilium