LNH/REPOST: Digital JUMP! #3: "CULUMON! Cruel Bodhissattva's Thesis!"

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Jun 7 19:46:16 PDT 2020


Reposter's Note: See previous issue's note (content warning for weird jokes 
about the NRA and pacifism). Otherwise I think this issue is pretty good, you 
can see me figuring out how to combine the jokes with a bigger plot!

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PREHISTORIC PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

IN ASSOCIATION WITH A PLAN CALLED, "OH LOOK, GEORGE W. BUSH IS A
WEIRDO WHO KEEPS SNAILS IN HIS PENCIL CASE"

 From the files of the Molybdenum Age...

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Digital JUMP!

Written by Andrew Perron
Cover art by Kaori Asano

Issue #3 - CULUMON!  Cruel Bodhissattva's Thesis!

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Cover has two dark clouds with glowing eyes standing in front of of a
pulpit, with two scantily-clad girls in wedding veils holding boquets
and standing next to them.  In the lower right corner is a tiny James,
holding a sign that says "No animals harmed in the making of this
comic."

<---------------------->

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You know... I always thought of myself as a nonconformist, a weird
person.  I never watched MTV or sports, and I was never popular in
school... not that I minded, I fit in pretty well with the geeky
circle.  I played RPGs, read Tolkein and Heinlein, and was generally
part of the out-crowd.

But, when he's around, I look as mundane as McDonald's.

My name's Casey von Aluminumfoil, age 18, and apparently, my anti-drug
is fighting supervillainy.  I don't know; I just got these powers
about a year ago.  Pretty useful for the tough tests, but I was a good
student anyway, and I wanted to do something *important* with my life,
y'know?

I've already defeated one villain, sort of, and joined the Legion of
Net.Heroes.  Now I'm flying into battle on what appears to be a
hypothetical geometric construct, and for the first time I'm worried.
I mean, yes I can read people's minds, but I'm not sure how well
that'll do against guns and knives and things (not to mention
world-destroying lasers or genetically engineered dinosaurs).

*He* isn't worried, of course.  He doesn't seem to ever be worried, or
upset... it's kind of encouraging, but at the same time, *really*
*really* *annoying*.

Well, I get the feeling we'll be stuck together for a while.
Hopefully, this will be a good thing.

-----------<>-----------

The situation was tense.  Half an hour ago, the convention had been
going along, as smooth as sodium, when suddenly, like sodium, it
exploded, people all throughout the crowd throwing off cloaks to
reveal sawed-off shotguns (unfortunately, they'd sawed off the wrong
end, but most of them had handguns as well).

One man had gone up to the podium and announced that the forces of
pacifism were taking over here, and they planned to stage a peaceful
sit-in to protest the growing prominence of violence in American
culture and media.  The members of the convention were invited to join
them in a completely non-compulsory fashion; any who disagreed with
the principles of the protest could walk out the door.  The fact that
the door was several hundred feet up in the air was waved off; after
all, one has to deal with the consequences of one's own actions.

And now, things were calm, but only because they had given up; all the
conventioneers were sitting down here or there while the pacifist
militiamen tranquilly, but watchfully, meditated.  Their only
companions were the tinkle of water from the artfully crafted
fountains (still running somehow even though the plumbing led off into
nothingness), the rustle of the air conditioning, and the cartoon bomb
sound that was slowly getting louder.

Abruptly, the skylight exploded, showering those below with broken
glass.  In through the hole flew two costumed heroes on a square of
light, which disappeared as they jumped to the floor.

"Stop right there!" shouted Kid Enthusiastic, which of course caused
them all to unstop and unload on the heroes with predictable
inaccuracy.

Kid E leapt into the air and pulled a ripcord hanging from his waist.
There was a sudden *floomp*, and concentric rings of unidentified
energy started beaming from his boots.  As the enemy looked up
uncomprehendingly and didn't attack for no very good reason, he drew
two guns from his jumpsuit.  Tossing one to his compatriot on the
floor, he opened up with a spray of jellybeans.  But not just any
jellybeans - horseradish and sardine jellybeans!

As the lymph nodes of the first wave were scrambled by the misflavored
stream, the second wave leapt upon Casey, who awkwardly started
shooting.  The gun began to play a hauntingly beautiful melody, and
everyone stopped to listen for a moment to the strange, yet wonderful
tones.

Which, of course, left them wide open to the anvils.

Kid Enthusiastic's boot jets cut out and dropped him into the middle
of the wild melee.  With the crazy spinny jello shuriken and the
belt-fed 23mm submachine carrot, it looked like the heroes had the
Villains(tm) on the run.




*flush*

*tinkle*

*hink hink hink*

*rustle* *rustle*

*BOOM*

The door to the men's room bulged and cracked, then exploded outwards
in a sphere of wood shrapnel.  Out of the disporportionate amount of
smoke stepped a man with a face that was at once beautiful and cruel,
with an expression like a mad god who has found a worm in his apple.
Snarling, he shouted, "What the hell is the meaning of this?"

....This is a bad guy, just so you know.

The now-ragged leader of the Pacifist Militia pulled himself to a
standing position.  "Who... who are you?"

A smirk. "You may call me..." *dramatic cape swish!* "Baron
MacNottherealvillain!  And in the name of the Void... I'll destroy you
all!"

"Remainder of my legions!  Shoot at him even though he just did
something impressive that would make it seem a really bad idea to!"

The few soldiers still standing raised their guns and let loose upon
him, but to no avail.  With another smirk, he waved his hand and sent
the bullets back to sender, coinking the beleaugered militia in the
collective head and mailing them next-day air to Unconciousness Land.
"Fools!  Don't you know it's bad grammar to end a sentence with a
preposition?"

"Actually, modern grammatarians discount - eep!" The commandless
commander ducked beneath his podium just as an energy bolt passed over
his head, ripping to shreds the "Welcome Guest of Honor Charleton
Heston" banner above his head.

"...okay, that's it." Casey began walking away.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to get a part in Limp-Asparagus Lad, like I said I would."

"Now, now.  There's no time for that; we have a *supervillain* on our
hands!" Kid Enthusiastic posed, then faced the evil Baron.

"What are your dastardly plans, you fiendish... you evil... Hey!" The
Baron, paying no attention, was looking around the room, obviously
searching for something.

"Damn you, Ancient One....  Show yourself!" ("Oooh, there's an Ancient
One!" "Sssh!") "I know you're here... I know you want *this*!" At
that, he held up what seemed to be a golden sink faucet, gleaming in
the incandescent light.

*swishfwip!* The artifact sailed out of his hands and up into the
rafters, where a hooded, cloaked figure caught it.  "Ha ha!" *BLAM*
"...ow."

"Hah!  You don't think I'd be so foolish as to give you the *real*
Atavist of Water?  No, I've got that in my *other* hand, here..."
*swishfwip!* "Aw crap."

The figure leapt to the floor and threw off his cloak.  His features
revealed, he was an older man, with gray hair and mottled, wrinkly
white skin.  Under the cloak he wore a deep blue coat and pants that
shimmered translucently in the artifical light.

"Evil will never win against Good!  Especially Evil Magic, which is
what you are using, against Good Magic, which is what I am using!"

"So, then, Ancient One, you exposit so openly and yet still think to
maintain suspension of belief?  Fine, then, have it your way... Die!
And in dying, suffer!" With that, the Baron sent bolts of Unidentified
Dark Energy at the old man.  The Ancient One was obviously prepared,
however, as the blasts splashed off an invisible field, a foot or two
away from him.  With one hand, the Ancient One gestured, summoning
blue-white balls of energy into his open hand; with the other, he
tossed the gold faucet over his shoulder.

As the old man launched his attack at the Baron, another cloaked
figure leapt from the rafters, snatching the faucet and landing next
to Kid Enthusiastic and Casey.

"Come on!" it whispered to them.

"But we have to get those bystanders out of there -"

"First things first!" It wrapped one arm around each of them and
*flew* straight up and out the shattered skylight.

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"Gah!  What - where are we going?"  His question was answered as they
smashed (again with the smashing!) through the windshield of the
helicopter, plowing also through the two pilots there.

"Quick, land this thing!" said the hooded figure.

"What, are you kidding?  I can't fly a helicopter!" shouted Casey, his
character design temporarily changing to a two-foot-tall large head
and tiny body.

"...and you?" it said, looking over at Kid Enthusiastic.

"Well, I flew during the War, but I don't think zeppelin training
applies here..."

"Ah."

"...panic."

"AAAAAAGH!  AAAAAUUUUGH AAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"OK, stop panicking." The mysterious figure sighed, and pulled its
hood down.

At that moment, Casey considered the light coming in through the
shattered window very lucky, as it fell on smooth, tanned skin, soft,
plush red lips, auburn hair that shone like liquid gold...

Kid Enthusiastic quietly reached up and wiped the drool off with a
napkin.

"I suppose I can... hmmmm..." She knelt down next to one of the downed
men, and started chanting softly.  Tiny, feathery wisps of light
streamed from her outstretched hand, into the prone body.

The pilot groaned, and sat up... to find himself surrounded by guns.

"Now, we're only going to ask this once..."

-----------<>-----------

By the time they got the building back on the ground (and extracted a
promise from the pilot not to do such naughty things again), the flash
and bang of magick unleashed was reaching an intensity intolerable.

The heroes opened up the doors, the convention members trapped inside
spilling out.  As the last couple of bad joke soldiers were dragged
outside, a great rumble shook the ground and something huge seemed to
burst out of the center at tremendous speed, quickly disappearing in
the distance.

They rushed in, to find the old man standing there and looking very
pleased with himself indeed.

"Heh!" he laughed, smugly. "Looks like the Baron was all talk and no
walk, Lord of the Sith-wise."

"Yes!" cried the girl. "And the Atavist of Water is right here!"

She pulled out the gold faucet and presented it to the man, who
admired it for a moment... then, eyes widening in shock, turned and
threw it across the room.  There was a fireball, and then nothing was
left of the artifact but ashes.

"...um, I'm guessing that was bad," Casey said.

"Very.  That man is very powerful, very cunning, and very evil, and if
he manages to get the other three Atavists -"

"He'll be able to take over the world?" said James, eyes shining
excitedly.

"Exactly.  I know you may not trust me, but I must ask -"

"Woo!  Of course we'll help you save the world!" He pumped the elder
man's hand up and down.

"Now wait a -"

"Not now!  We have to hurry up and...

DO SOMETHING!

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SD-Cute Girl: "Next Issue!"

"We find out just what the heck is going on here!  Me, him, and the
other guy get names and backstories!"

"Plus, yet another member joins up - and it's not who you expect!
Will our group of unlikely heroes be able to defeat the bad guys?
Well, of course, this is a very predictable story!"

"Next time on Digital JUMP!  DUALISM!  Twenty-Seven Primary Colors!
Also, Part One of 'Warriors of Light'!"

"Kiss the vampire ladybug..."

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Author's Note:

Blaaaaaaargh.  Hit a long period of uncreative ennui; thus, this issue
took several weeks longer than planned, and the ending's kind of blah.
Still, it's interesting, and it sets up the first big story arc.  Woo!

Kid Enthusiastic/James Preponderation, Casey von Aluminumfoil, the
Pacifist Militia, Baron MacNottherealvillain, the old unnamed guy and
the cute unnamed girl are copyright Andrew Perron, 2002.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, sleep.

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Drew "several weeks longer than planned, heh heh hoo boy" Perron


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