LNH/Repost: Digital JUMP! #1: "ANTEATER! Bokura no Looni Earth!"

[Drew Nilium]

Reposter's Note: This issue is presented without changes, even tho, let's face 
it, I put some terribly ill-conceived and embarrassing stuff in here. Content 
warning for weird sex jokes!

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PREHISTORIC PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

IN COLLABORATION WITH ALAN SMITHEE AND THE FACT THAT IT'S KIND OF
CREEPY TO SUGGEST THAT YOU JUST HAD SEX WITH AN IMAGINARY ROBOT GIRL
YOU CREATED

 From the files of the Molybdenum Age...

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Digital JUMP!

Written by Andrew Perron
Cover Art by Ken Akamatsu
Translation by J.R.R. Tolkein

Issue #1 - ANTEATER!  Bokura no Looni Earth!

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Cover shows the screen of a 3-D fighting game.  The red-haired female
fighter has just kicked the glasses-wearing male character in the air,
but the screen is frozen and the words "A New Challenger Has
Appeared!" hover there.

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<Note: This issue takes place after Flame Wars IV.  Any characters who
eventually die in that who *seem* to be alive here are actually played
by Steve Irwin wearing a mask.>

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      As the sun rose over the hills outside Net.ropolis, the city
began to waken.  In thousands of houses, apartments, secret lairs, and
fortresses of solitude, alarm clocks went off, heralding the new day
in the most annoying way possible.  Thousands of hands slapped
thousands of snooze buttons, and nine minutes later, thousands of
people stepped into the shower, bringing thousands of extra dollars in
revenue thanks to thousands of fanservice-hungry comic book buyers as
well as thousands of airbrushed swimsuits to deflect thousands of
angry letters from the parents of thousands of Cartoon Network-
watching children.

Anyway.

On one of the... hundreds of streets that crisscrossed Net.ropolis, a
young boy was rollerblading along the sidewalk, straight towards the
LNH HQ.

Now, any Net.ropolitan citizen can tell you that, although they love
(tolerate) their net.heroes, a non-net.hero hanging around in the
vicinity of LNH HQ is about as dangerous as you can get without going
into the heart of the Abandoned Warehouse District and shouting
through a megaphone about how it would be a pity if you were kidnapped
now, since you're the only person who holds the key to Kid Kirby's
secret weakness.

Unless, of course, you're going there to *become* a net.hero, in which
case nothing bad can happen to you until you exposit to someone about
your origin, abilities, and any villains you have unintentionally
caused the genesis of.

Luckily, he was there for just that purpose.

Fred, one of the oft-tortured LNH HQ receptionists, looked up from his
issue of Dfandom, the official Dave Van Domelen fanzine.   The doors
had opened, but he didn't see anyone... except for the head of hair
hovering in front of the desk.

(Drat, I hope it's not Master Itt again,) he thought, bending over the
side to look down.

Up at him stared a youthful face, of an indeterminate race of
humanity, with a matching body that couldn't possibly be more than 10
or 11 years old.  Unless the chronal energy adapter had shorted out
again, of course...

"Hi!" the young boy said. "I'd like to join the Legion of Net.Heroes,
please!"

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      Now, the fact that he got an audience, an hour or two later, with
Ultimate Ninja and Doctor Stomper, would seem preposterous to some.
After all, how could one possibly expect a small child to be up to the
gargantuan task of keeping vigilant watch against the continuous
assault of evil upon the world and holding up the torch of liberty?

Well, the answer is twofold.  Firstly, the leader of the LNH knew
that, if within a heart, the flame of heroism burns true, and bright,
and strong, then indeed, even the worst failings of the flesh can be
overcome, and a true hero can emerge from the deepest of darks before
the dawn.

Secondly, references.

"So, I see..." said Ultimate Ninja. "You're the son of Record Man and
Sakura Woman." He looked up at Doctor Stomper. "Who are...?"

"Were," said Stomper. "They were superheroes back in the 1960's;
Record Man could duplicate any feat in the Guin.net Book of World
Records, and Sakura Woman was a Japa.netese heroine who could control
wind and flower petals.  They met when Record Man and the Net.astic
Nine went to Tok.I/O to stop Kamisamazilla from destroying the city."

"They got together pretty quick, and they were favorites among the
kids back then; they stood for "love and peace".  They dropped out of
sight, though, around 1978... I guess they wanted to raise a family
without worrying about the baby being taken and sent into the future
in order to be trained as the ultimate warrior, then sent back to them
as an angsty teenager to prevent the rise of a suppressive world
regime."

"Indeed.  Thank you for the exposition, Doctor; you may go." Stomper
bowed, then headed back to the medbay.

"Well.  James Takato Preponderation, age ten.  Born May 1st, 1992.
Level of education.... high school?"

"I graduated from Infi.net.y Academy in August, sir!"

"Ah.  One of... *those*." Ultimate Ninja muttered something about
fantasies and author avatars, then continued. "Superhuman abilities:
none." He raised an eyebrow. "And how, exactly, do you propose to be a
net.hero?"

"Super-science gadgetry!" the boy grinned.  Then his face turned
thoughtful. "I also have an encyclopedic knowledge of every Pokemon,
but I'm not sure how impressed super-villains are by that..."

The Master of Martial Arts rubbed his temples.  Why couldn't it have
been an apocalyptic multi-issue crossover where the Legion must
dramatically give their lives to stop the multiverse from being
destroyed with tie-in kids' meal toys and an overpriced soundtrack?

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      In the Peril Room, James stood down on the floor while Multi-
Tasking Man, in the control room high above, brought up holographic
testing program #362 (while simultaneously fighting Sepiroth in the
Collosseum and deleting an offer from "the Prime Minister of Gha.net").

"This program will test your combat ability in a supervillain
situation," he called down. "If you can defeat these opponents, you're
in."

"All righty!" the boy yelled back, and the walls faded away into what
seemed to be a store of some kind.  The shelf next to James had a line
of video game soundtracks on it, but that was all the detail he got
before a voice boomed out from behind the register.

"Heh, heh, heh.  Beware, net.hero, for you bought your own doom when
you went window shopping in... THE MOST DANGEROUS GAMERS-nyo!"

These words came from an oddly(yet cutely)-dressed girl behind the
counter, who was quickly joined by two more, one tall and one short.

"Well, then," said James, his eye glinting maniacally, "guess I'll
have to go on a rampage..."

The three tensed up, their muscles coiling, every sense stretched to
ready for the attack...

"Ah, that was a good rampage!"

They fell over.

"We didn't even see him-nyo!" wailed the first girl.

"He beat us singlehandedly!" cried the tall girl.

"He didn't do anything," said the short girl.

"Oh... right." With that, they leapt into battle.

However, the proto-net.hero had not been idle, in that moment of
distraction.  As the tall, rabbit-eared girl rushed towards him, he
pulled the trigger on a hastily-assembled ray gun, bathing her in a
red, tortured, burning light, which seared the retinas like the
apocalypse flash of an atomic warhead... and made her clothes fall
apart.

"GYAAAAAAH!  PERVERT!"  She slapped him, then ran out of the room. He
fell back and narrowly dodged a punch from the green-haired original
girl, who turned to face him.

"MEKARA--" she yelled, but stopped short as her dress expanded to
cover both mouth and eyes, as the ray, which had been reversed and
reflected by a handy mirror, played over her.

Leaping over the now-mummified girl, James skated toward his only
remaining opponent - but...

He looked at her.

She looked at him.




"...no.  No!  Too... CUTE!" he gasped, cowering back from the
assault.  The unyielding adorableness closing in on him, he knew that
before he was defeated by a crashing wave of kawaii that he had

ONLY.

ONE.

CHANCE.

So, he gave her a cookie.

Nodding, she toddled off, nibbling at it.

"I did it!" he yelled, thrusting out his middle and index fingers in
the shape of a "v".

"..." said Multi-Tasking Man.

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      Afterwards, James stood proudly as he was given his official LNH
belt buckle, his official LNH decoder ring, and his official LNH
Lollipop Hut coupon.

"So, then," remarked... hmmmm, what common LNH character haven't I
used yet... oh, let's say Cheesecake Eater Lad, "what are you going to
call yourself?  Just James?"

"Hmmmm... no, I belive not!  From this day forward, I will be known to
the world at large as..."

"KID ENTHUSIASTIC!"

And he went to get some bread.

But, as he stepped out from the hero-kissed foyer, a voice called out
to him.

"Aha, a net.hero steps out from the mouth of the dungeon!  The death
of such a unique will surely net many experience points for me..."

"LIKE ROUGE!"

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Superdeformed James: "Next Issue!"

"War continues in the land of Madagascar.  Will Ken find the Chibi God
Crystal before the Zertonian forces destroy the land of Dokidoki?"

"Meanwhile, the newly christened Kid Enthusiastic must fend off the
thankfully non-amorous advances of the evil Like Rouge!  Will he fall
so soon?  Or will the appearance of a new hero turn the tide of
battle?"

"Next time on Digital JUMP!  BRAILLE!  Basu Gasu Bakuhatsu!"

"Kiss the vampire ladybug..."

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Author's Note:

So, how did I do?  Were the anime references too intrusive?  Were they
not intrusive eough? Is anyone actually reading this?  Have I gone
mad, beliving that I am writing stories on a computer when I'm really
trapped, gibbering, in an insane asylum somewhere on the outskirts of
New York City?

Ah, well.

Also, if anyone sees this twice, please E-mail me.  I didn't see it
the first time, or any replies, so...

Ultimate Ninja, Doctor Stomper, Multi-Tasking Man, and Cheesecake-
Eater Lad are all unreserved, and possibly public domain if that still
exists.  Ultimate Ninja was created by wReam, the others... I have no
idea.  Human fools, what do I care for your puny concepts of law and
order?

James Preponderance/Kid Enthusiastic and Like Rouge were both created
by and copyright to Andrew Perron, 2002.  Neither is reserved,
although I have plans for both and would rather that nobody, say, have
them star in the next Pointless Death Man Miniseries.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, what do you think, sirs?

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Drew "I was nineteen and very cute but sheesh" Nilium