LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #37: "Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Kiwi Legends"

Drew Nilium pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Dec 20 22:20:49 PST 2020

Issue #37: "Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Kiwi Legends"
A tale of net.hero gattai by Drew Nilium


They sit together again, on the roof, UltraKiwi and the Ultimate Ninja. They
rested, but it was not the unquiet rest of quarantine anxiety, nor the slumber
of withdrawal from the world. It was the slow drawing-in of breath before the
starting gun. There was a tension, they could each feel it, laid across the
skin of the world, ready to snap...

Just then, MechaKiwi Wondersock grew 50 feet tall and started laughing

Ah, there it went.

Without a word, they rose, UltraKiwi hopping off the Ultimate Ninja's hand. The
little bird looked at the ninja and gave her a nod of trust, then raised one
wing to the sky, calling out, "ULTRA-KIWI!" Her feathers flashed silver and red,
and she rose up into the sky, spinning as she grew to heroic proportions.

As UltraKiwi slammed into the mechanical titan, Ultimate Ninja felt a sense of
peace - the peace of a battle, of flow, that her predecessor had known so well.
It was time for her to do it - to grow beyond the Ultimate Ninja that had come
before her.

She held up her left arm, and with a blue video-effect sparkle, the Super
Ninjamorpher appeared on her wrist. "Guardian spirits of Planet Ninja!" She'd
never done this before, but it felt impossibly natural, like something she'd
practiced a thousand times. "Hear my call!" She slammed her right hand into the

The clouds parted and--

"I thought you said in #35 that it was a lovely sunny day," said Chaos Theory,
peeking in from off-panel.

Shush, you. And five figures appeared in the sky - a mastodon, a sabertooth
tiger, a giant ground sloth, a moa, and a megalodon, all wearing ninja outfits!
They roared as one, a flashing blue column of light descending out of the sky!

 From that column descended a giant black pyramid with red, white, and blue
stripes around the middle. Ultimate Ninja spun around and pointed her finger at
it. "Change, Ninjaguar!"

The sides of the pyramid folded out, pieces spinning and twisting, coming back
together until they formed a blocky humanoid form, with silvery limbs, black
fists and feet, and shuriken-shaped icons on the chest, wrists, ankles, and
crotch. The tip of the pyramid descended to become a mask, concealing all but
glowing eyes, and Ninjaguar posed!

Ultimate Ninja leapt into the air, and found herself carried up into the air,
landing in Ninjaguar's control room. She held her hand over an orb with the
kanji for "shinobi" in it. Her heart was racing, and her eyes were focused.
"Ultimate Ninja - READY!"


Agent Bennigan squeezed his fist, a pulse of energy radiating from the Ring of
Simplification. His efforts had simplified events, but it wasn't enough, there
were feuding factions and runaway heroes all over the place, giant monsters
appearing and whole plot branches happening on the side.

That's okay. He just had to simplify this plotline more. MORE!

...more. He stretched out his hand and grabbed a rough handful of Hypertext
Time, squeezing it together, pulling together the fates of the beings around


Anti-Christ Lad held his pose, hellfire churning in Mister Homage's hands, eyes
locked on the Vector-troll-sheep, daring them to make the first move...

...and watching them turn, as one, and run away, around the side of the

When the lawn of LNHQ was clear, he let out his breath and let go of the
hellfire. He pulled a comb out of his pocket and smoothed out Mister Homage's
hair. Well, that was one problem taken care of, at least. Now to--

The sun disappeared.

Anti-Christ Lad looked up, up, *up*, at the enormous shape leaning over the
LNHQ and blotting out the light.

It was a gigantic humanoid, covered in green wool, with glowing red eyes and
enormous horns, that threw its head back and shouted, "VECTOR OVINE!"


Toony's bones rattled as Merissa raced the motorcycle up the staircase. It was
*profoundly* lacking in comfort, but they had to be close to the surface right

Suddenly, a door loomed up in front of them. Toony braced for impact, and
Merissa popped a wheelie and rammed the door, making it burst open!

...and letting them out onto the roof. Oh dear.

"Oh this is gonna be *awesome*," said Merissa, flipping switches on the
motorcyle's dashboard and decidedly *not* making any attempt to stop or turn
away from the edge.

Let's see, when was the last time Toony had updated his will? Probably not
since he'd left the LNH - the ivory-tower safety of the executive life made
such things seem so much less important.


That wasn't a problem right now!!!

Just as the front wheel of the motorcycle launched off the roof, Merissa smashed
her fist into the big green button in the middle of the control panel.


In the LNH hangar bay, the Advanced Flight.Thingee Kobayashi-san Chi no
Meidoragon sprung to life, VTOL engines flaring, rising up on a cloud of green,
glowing smoke, then zooming up and away...


At the railway yard of the Net.ropolis Municipal Transport Authority, the
lights of the experimental high-speed monorail train Curiosity E6pi flickered
on. It gripped the magnetized rail and, fast as a bullet, sped out into the


Floating next to the EastDrill, Doctor Killfile indulged in a bit of
megalomaniacal cackling, of exactly the kind proper after killing a net.hero.
She snapped her fingers and Obscure Trivia Lad marched behind her into the

"You won't get away with this!" he said.

"With what?" said Doctor Killfile, raising an eyebrow.

"Well..." said Obscure Trivia Lad, hesitantly, "...whatever it is you're doing!"

Doctor Killfile prepared another bout of villainous laughter, but stopped short
as the lights of the EastDrill switched on and it began digging at high speed
thru the earth. She hadn't even touched the controls...

With a few quick taps she pulled up a diagnostic. The transformation cogs
they'd acquired from Stork Heavy Industries were sending out a control signal,
summoning them at full speed towards... the LNHQ?

Curious. Most curious...


There was a sickening lurch as the motorcycle began to fall... and then a THUNK!
as it landed in the open cargo hold of the flight.thingee. Rails snapped onto
the wheels, and it rolled forward into the cockpit, the chairs folding away to
make room for it.

Toony panted, one hand over his cybernetic heart, trembling with adrenaline.
Merissa let out a laugh of pure giddy delight. "It's working, Grandpa!"

The flight.thingee turned and twisted, VTOL engines firing continuously to
support its midair changes. The EastDrill rose out of the ground, back half
rising into the air to connect to the flight.thingee, then splitting to form a
pair of legs.

Not far away, the end of a half-finished piece of monorail track hung in midair,
and the high-speed train flew off of it - right thru the middle of the flight.
thingee, which caught and held it in place, train cars twisting and turning to
become arms, engines at both ends opening to become hands.

"It's working, but it's using up all its fuel in the process!" shouted Toony
over the rumble of grinding gears. He pointed to the flight.thingee's fuel
gauge, dipping swiftly towards E. "That's what I never figured out - a power

"Oh, don't make a big deal about *that*!" teased Merissa. "When I'm around, the
*last* thing you have to worry about is *power*!" She pulled the Ultra-Mega-
BIGGUN from its holster on her back.

Right next to her seat, a wide rectangular hole opened up. Merissa stuck the
muzzle of the Ultra-Mega-BIGGUN into it. She flicked her hands dramatically
over its control interface, selected PLASMA BURST - NONSTOP, and pulled the

The gun fired deep into the core of the flight.thingee - into a sealed chamber
at its heart, containing the full power of the plasma explosion!

The combined form lit up with energy, a sub-surface integrity field holding the
three pieces together so they could act as one, bright pink energies sparkling
at every joint! A head rose up atop the body, and two horns locked into place
around it! And the robot thrust its fist in the air, in a triumphant pose!

"This is *so cool*," said Merissa, eyes sparkling. "What's it called?"

Toony blinked in amazement. "Uh, well... it's your robot, so you should be the
one to name it, I think."

Merissa pulled in a sharp breath, fists in front of her chest. "It's... Great
Queen Merissakaizer Z!"

Toony found himself grinning. "Sounds great."

Merissa pointed forward. "Let's get 'em!"


Drew "can you spot all the references" Nilium

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