LNH: Burst Beetle Tweseveny #5: "2007: The Web we Weave and the Things Up Our Sleeve!"

[Drew Nilium]

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  | *               Glenda Gwynnych was one of the ridiculous                * |
  | *          and beautiful fools who write the tales of the Legion         * |
  | *   of Net.Heroes! But her wonderful nonsense was lost in the grinding   * |
  | *  drudgery of the corporate world!  One day, in her deepest despair, a  * |
  | *   voice of digital dreaming  *  *  *  gave her hope! Now she bounces   * |
  | *    back and forth throughout  \ | /  27 years of LNH history as....    * |
  | *   *__  *  * *__   __* *___*  *--*--*  *__  *___ *___ *___* *    *___   * |
  | *   |__) |  | |__) (__    |     / | \   |__) |__  |__    |   |    |__    * |
  | *   |__) |__| |  \ *__)   |    *  *  *  |__) |___ |___   |   |___ |___   * |
  | *             *___* *  * *___  __* *___ *  * *___ *  * *   *             * |
  | *               |   |  | |__  (__  |__  \  / |__  |\ |  \*/              * |
  | *               |   |/\| |___ *__) |___  \/  |___ | \|   |               * |
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  #5          [20:07]: The Web we Weave and the Things Up Our Sleeve!         #5
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Tweseveny and Time-Waster Lad, at the LNH reception desk! Two figures, one young
and manic, the other hooded and smelly!

"That's right," says the hooded figure, working enthusiasm into his voice. "The
evilish duo of trans-temporal terror!"

The woman raises her hourglass! "Mother Time and the Time Crapper!"

Tweseveny rolls into a fighting pose, hand just above the transformational
buckle at her belt! "The Time Crapper, again!?"

The seeming Time Crapper pauses in his dramatic posing, as Mother Time looks up
  at him, confused! "...again?"

"...oh, no, sorry, right," says Tweseveny, shaking her head. "You're a different
Time Crapper than last time." This wasn't the nihilistic avatar of the dark
future that she'd faced alongside Carolyn Forge [in Burst Beetle Tweseveny #2-3 -
Cyber Footnote Girl]; there were *many* time-traveling net.villains who - for
reasons of their own, Tweseveny supposes - take up the terrible name of the Time
Crapper! As a time traveller herself, it makes sense that she's crossing paths
with them!

This one... she thinks back to the Infinite Leadership Crisis that she's
currently in, and the LNH stories about it. He's supposed to be a version of the
very first time Crapper, right? She labels him in her head as Time Crapper I.

Mother Time steps forward aggressively. "My babe's the *only* one with that
stupid name, *thanks*."

That confirms the 'very first' thing, thinks Tweseveny, but she only vaguely
remembers Mother Time. Hadn't they broken up? Repeatedly, in a confusing time-
travel manner? Perhaps this is before that?? Oh, does she wish to have the Eyrie
Archive on-hand!

"I'm sorry," says Time Crapper I, taking half a step in front of Mother Time,
"do I *know* you?"

Well, Tweseveny remembered the early Crapper stories well enough - Cry.sig,
Retcon Hour, the Cosmic Plot Device Caper, so... "...yeah!" She nudges Time-
Waster Lad, and whispers, "Play along!" She straightens up and chirps, "I'm a
time traveler too, and your future's my past!"

Time-Waster Lad blinks thoughtfully at Mother Time. "...didn't we play World of
Warcraft together that one time?"

Mother Time blinks, and her eyes light up, a hint of a genuine smile playing
over her edgy pose. "...oh hi, how are you?"

"Well," says Time Crapper I, straightening and putting on a deep, properly
villainous tone that echoes thru the lobby, "I certainly hope you aren't going
to get in the way of our ascension to power!"

Tweseveny immediately resolves to get in the way of their ascension to power!
"No, of course not," she says, "I am absolutely of gray morality myself,
definitely. But, ah, what is your quest?"

"Some quest for a ring of power," says Time Crapper I, getting into it,
gesturing grandly! "But we quest... for a *rung* of power!"

"The Rung of Revamp," says Mother Time, grinning. "We got a hot tip that the LNH
would be almost undefended today - only two net.heroes on the premises. So we're
gonna break into the Plot Device Room and power me up!" She lets out a snotty
cackle, whipping her hair around like a swish of silver!

A hot tip... no, it can't be-- no, it probably actually is Tweseveny's nemesis
apparent, Burst Beetle M-Plot, sending not one but two powerful villains to
battle her. Though Tweseveny's only tangled with her once, it *absolutely*
sounds like the kind of thing she'd do!

But perhaps she can beat them at their own game! She senses the emotions
swirling in this strange, mixed-up couple! Hot dog! Perhaps she can foil this
plot simply by talking the plotters through their problems! Wouldn't that put a
rocket up M-Plot's caboose!

Tweseveny shakes herself out. Right, one step at a time. "Well, no problem from
us! Ever since, um, Time-Waster Lad went mad with power and took over the LNH,
we haven't seen a single net.hero."

"Took over the LNH?" says Time Crapper I, looking at Time-Waster Lad with new
attention from under his hood - attention under which the young man squirms!

"Yeah, he's the leader now," says Tweseveny, pointing. "See the button?"

"Oh, huh," nods Time Crapper I. "Fair."

"Then there won't be any problem with getting the Rung of Revamp!" Mother Time
cackles in glorious triumph!

Oh, shoot, thinks Tweseveny. "Uh, oh, sorry, you can't, there's a... bear."

Mother Time, Time Crapper I, and Time-Waster Lad all turn to look at Tweseveny,
blinking in confusion. "...a bear?" says Time Crapper I.

"Yeah, the, uh, Cosmic Bear, from, um, the Big Dipper," speaks Tweseveny,
prevaricating desperate fabrications off both cuffs! "It got into the Plot
Device Room to take... the Cosmic Honeycomb, yeah. The automated defense systems
are driving it off, because we don't, um, don't want to go fight it ourselves,
because the fight scene would draw in net.heroes. Really inconvenient, we should
have it out of the way soon, sorry."

"Oh. Well..." Time Crapper I turns his hidden gaze to Mother Time, shrugs a bit,
then turns back to Tweseveny. "I suppose that's all right."

Mother Time looks slightly rankled, wrinkling her bejeweled nose. Time Crapper I
sets his hand on her shoulder. The malefic mistress of chronological chaos
wrinkles harder for a moment, then lets out a little sigh and puts on her
big maniacal grin. "I guess that's okay. After all, we've got all the *time* in
the world!"

"Haha yeah," says Time-Waster Lad in an extraordinarily fabricated cheerful
voice. "Hey, could you two sit tight for *just* a minute, I have to go speak to
my, um, henchman, Tweseveny could you just..."

He takes her wrist and pulls her off into the coat check, and whispers urgently
inbetween the Neon Trenchcoat (from Easily-Discovered Man's attempt at joining
the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade) and the Inside-Out Overcoat (from Pocket Man's
attempt at putting a pocket inside a pocket).  "Good job getting them to stop
for a second but *now* what do we do?"

"Look," says Tweseveny, putting her hands on his shoulders. "I know from, uh,
*time* that these two have this really messed-up relationship. So!" She smiles
confidently! "What we do is, we talk to them, and we get them to come to
some..." She considers for a second. "Like, some good emotional realizations
about why they're doing this or such. And then they probably won't want to be
net.villains anymore!" She gives Time-Waster Lad a thumbs up!

"...you really think that'll work?" Time-Waster Lad's skepticism face is a thing
to behold!

"Maybe! But!" Tweseveny points a finger in the air. "*Also*, if we keep them
talking for long enough, the other net.heroes will come back from missions and
help us stop them!"

"...okay, fair," Time-Waster Lad admits. "But I don't think I can get two net.
villains to sit down and talk forever!"

"If anybody can, *you* can!" Tweseveny squeezes his shoulder and leans in,
whispering with passion and determination!  "Time-Waster Lad, this is your
*strength*! It's worth something very real - in this moment, *you are the net.
hero we need*!"

Time-Waster Lad's eyes go wide and sparkly for a moment - he shakes it off, but
a smile remains. "Okay. Well..." He peeks thru the crack, watching the two
sitting on one of the foyer's comfy waiting couches, Mother Time murmuring
something into the Crapper's invisible ear. "If we wanna talk them thru
relationship stuff, we've got to separate them. I'll take Mother Time, and you
take the Crapper, if that's okay."

"Right!" Tweseveny throws open the door of the coat check, walks up to the two
net.villains and claps her hands. "You must be hungry, I know how hard it is to
keep track of mealtimes when you're zipping back and forth thru the temporal
stream. Illustrious leader, why don't you take Mother Time to the cafeteria,
while I stay with the Time Crapper so he can know when the Cosmic Bear's done?"

Mother Time looks them over with a suspicious eyebrow! But Time Crapper I puts
his hand on her arm, and she glances at him, and the edge of her lips curls up.
"I could eat, yeah." She pushes herself up off the couch and walks over to Time-
Waster Lad, crossing her arms. "Which way?"

"Uh, this way," says Time-Waster Lad, mind whirling. Okay, engage the villain in
a time-consuming discussion. Easy peasy. You've done this a bunch of times.
"So..."

"Yeah?" says Mother Time, taking him in with a calculating gaze that, despite
  his years at a net.hero, makes goosebumps crawl up Time-Waster Lad's limbs.

Waste a moment yourself, an extra couple seconds taking her in, and... focus on
the interesting thing! "Sorry, it's just that I love your palette. The silver
and purple go really well together."

"Oh!" Mother Time startles back a touch, unused to unprompted compliments!
"Well, thank you. I accessorized around the Hourglass."

"Of course! You want your net.hero, er, your net.villain persona to be coherent.
I'm not great at it myself," admits Time-Waster Lad.

"Oh, I think it really expresses the concept of 'wasting time'..."

Tweseveny smiles, watching them head down the hallway, and turns to her quarry,
rubbing her hands. Time to friendship this motherfucker!

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Author's Note: "Oh hi, how are you?" is a Bob's Burgers reference.

Drew "gearing up for the real big stuff now!" Nilium