LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #1

[Drew Perron]

So I got sick in there. X3 Not The Virus, but low-key draining and then high-key 
drained. But I'm feeling better now, so let's dig in!

On 4/2/2020 12:00 AM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> 
>                                     Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #1

Oh boy.

> April 1st, 2020

Oh *boy*. X3

> And then Cannon Fodder felt a twinge of guilt.  Was this
> really an appropriate time to be whistling the song 'Walking on Sunshine'?  With
> all the troubles in the world -- the people being stricken with disease, losing
> their jobs -- and even some poor souls without a single shred of toilet paper?

Oh, man, I know what you mean. Earlier today I was thinking about how good of a 
place I am, with a steady job and a good support network and all, and then 
feeling guilty about thinking that, but then I realized that no, it's not that 
I'm too happy - I deserve these things, it's just that everyone else deserves 
them too!

> And Cannon Fodder would have probably pondered that a bit more if not for the
> sabertooth tiger that pounced on him while brutally mauling him to death.

I don't think most people deserve that, tho.

> "Ah, man -- I don't think PETA would really approve of the way you handled all
> that," said a sad looking Bad Judgment Boy as he walked over to the sabertooth.
> Wearing his red MAGA hat and a T-shirt that depicted some alternate version of
> Mount Rushmore that had President Comboverthing, Hex Luthor, Richard Nixon, and
> that Hex Luthor Vice President Guy that took over for Hex after Hex resigned and
> tried to nuke Net.ropolis back in Beige Midnight #10 that I never gave a name to
> and kind of wish that I had so I wouldn't have to be typing all these words --
> oh, well -- 

Loooooordy. XD <3

> "Oh, Ebola -- you were much
> too beautiful for this world."

Amazing

> "Heh.  Yeah -- kinda," said Bad Judgment Boy with an embarrassed look.  "Okay.
> Have you watched that great new UseNetflix show 'Sabertooth Tiger King' -- I
> mean if you haven't you really need to -- in fact you should just drop whatever
> you're doing and totally binge watch the hell out of it and afterwards we can
> continue this conversation."
> 
> "I am not going to do that."

Heeheehee

> "Boring?!" said the Ultimate Ninja as he grabbed Bad Judgment Boy by the throat,
> "Do you understand what's happening in the world?  There are a massive amount of
> people dying of..."
> 
> "*Coughhack* Social Distancing, UN! *Hackcough* Social Distancing!" gasped Bad
> Judgment Boy trying to break free from the ninja's grip.
> 
> "Oh, right right," nodded the Ultimate Ninja expeditiously dropping Bad Judgment
> Boy down on the floor.  Both quickly backed away six feet from each other.

X3 X3 X3 Okay I didn't expect that.

> "Social Distancing Social Distancing.  *Ahem* anyways -- There are a massive
> amount of people dying of this pandemic across the world.  Net.ropolis is in
> lockdown with thousands dead!  We have a president who is a complete idiot!  And
> the LNH can't do anything about this because of the magic spell that
> Comboverthing has cast tying his fate with his Real Life version!  And this
> pandemic seems to be also tied to that spell so there is nothing our LNH
> Brainiacs can do to fix it either!  We're now completely at the mercy of those
> idiots in the Real World -- and until they get their shit together -- Nothing is
> going to change!!" The Ultimate Ninja gave a swift glare toward the Fourth Wall.
> "There is nothing boring about any of this!"

This is great. X3 But also: There's a story I'm working on that's definitely 
gonna contradict some of this. This is the LNH, so I'm not too worried - there 
are a hundred ways to play with that sort of thing - and frankly, I think you're 
gonna love it, but I absolutely did want to give you a heads up. :>

> "Do not look that up.  Just explain to me why you have a sabertooth running
> around the LNHHQ?"
> 
> "Oh, yeah -- that!  Oh and sorry about Cannon Fodder getting killed.  I guess I
> really should have fed all of my sabertooth tigers before I unleashed them on
> the LNH.  My bad, UN!"

Oh my fuckin' god. X3

> "Wait, how many sabertooths are currently on the loose?"
> 
> "Look only a very, very tiny you know," Bad Judgment Boy starting counting with
> his fingers, "A few thousand or so -- nothing to worry about.  They're mostly
> sweetie pies -- mostly.

oh my fucking GOD. XD You are so good at creating a ludicrous situation, and 
then making it more ludicrous, and *more* ludicrous. :3

> "So there are a few thousand hungry sabertooths roaming the LNHHQ as we speak --
> that's what you're saying?  And you think it's going to be all right.  That's
> what you're saying.  It's all going to work out for the best."

heeheehee

> I mean we should probably buy some
> sabertooth tiger chow sometime this week, but no rush and..."
> 
>                           *******       ********      *********
> 
> A little bit later that same day...
> 
> In one of the LNHHQ's Holding Cells...

You're so good at punchlines, too. X3

> "Haha, good one, UN!  What a jokester you are!" said a highly amused Bad
> Judgment Boy while he sat on the bottom bunk bed of his cell.  "You banning me
> for life from the LNH -- you saying how you're going to make sure I rot in a
> jail cell for the rest of life -- this April Fools Joke is hilarious!  You got
> me! No no, really you got me.  But seriously -- you can say 'April Fools' now.
> UN?  UN?  Okay, right, you want me to sweat it out a bit more.  Hilarious!

Heeheeheehee

> Bad Judgment Boy looked at this watch.  And then took off one of his boots and
> looked into it.  "Oh, there it is!  That baggie of Heroin laced with fentanyl
> that I had thought I had lost.  Man.  I totally make the best decisions!"
> 
> Bad Judgment Boy gave a wink towards the Fourth Wall.

X3 X3 X3 Jeeeeeez.

> During these bleak times -- this was the least bleak story I could think of
> writing about it.

Awwwwww, that's lovely. :>

> If anyone wants to write another issue of this for a whacky
> add on cascade you're welcome to do that.

I might? X3 Heck.

> Or maybe you're from the future and reading this past relic from the time of the
> great COVID 19 pandemic -- and perhaps this was the very last LNH story that
> anyone ever wrote -- and if so -- Yes, all of the LNH were eaten up by
> sabertooth tigers -- that's how the whole LNH story ends.  Uhuh.  Yep.  Didn't
> see that one coming -- did you?

The DOOM that came to EARTH-SABERTOOTH!

Drew "in retrospect the name should've been a tipoff" Nilium