LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #1

[Arthur Spitzer]

                                   Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #1

April 1st, 2020

Cannon Fodder strode through the halls of the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters 
with a bounce to his steps while he whistled the Katrina and the Waves song, 
'Walking on Sunshine'.  And then Cannon Fodder felt a twinge of guilt.  Was this 
really an appropriate time to be whistling the song 'Walking on Sunshine'?  With 
all the troubles in the world -- the people being stricken with disease, losing 
their jobs -- and even some poor souls without a single shred of toilet paper?  
And Cannon Fodder would have probably pondered that a bit more if not for the 
sabertooth tiger that pounced on him while brutally mauling him to death.

But before the sabertooth could finish its meal of Cannon Fodder, a Ginsu Katana 
sliced the beast's head right off.  A grim looking Ultimate Ninja then grabbed 
the katana stabbing Cannon Fodder just to make sure he was dead.

"Ah, man -- I don't think PETA would really approve of the way you handled all 
that," said a sad looking Bad Judgment Boy as he walked over to the sabertooth.  
Wearing his red MAGA hat and a T-shirt that depicted some alternate version of 
Mount Rushmore that had President Comboverthing, Hex Luthor, Richard Nixon, and 
that Hex Luthor Vice President Guy that took over for Hex after Hex resigned and 
tried to nuke Net.ropolis back in Beige Midnight #10 that I never gave a name to 
and kind of wish that I had so I wouldn't have to be typing all these words -- 
oh, well -- in the place of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, and Roosevelt -- he 
gently caressed the severed head of the sabertooth.  "Oh, Ebola -- you were much 
too beautiful for this world."

"Is this your damn sabertooth tiger?" said a clearly not to happy Ultimate 
Ninja.

"Heh.  Yeah -- kinda," said Bad Judgment Boy with an embarrassed look.  "Okay.  
Have you watched that great new UseNetflix show 'Sabertooth Tiger King' -- I 
mean if you haven't you really need to -- in fact you should just drop whatever 
you're doing and totally binge watch the hell out of it and afterwards we can 
continue this conversation."

"I am not going to do that."

"Well, okay -- I think you'd totally understand my explanation for all this a 
whole lot better if you did, but -- okay, it's been kinda a boring time lately 
and..."

"Boring?!" said the Ultimate Ninja as he grabbed Bad Judgment Boy by the throat, 
"Do you understand what's happening in the world?  There are a massive amount of 
people dying of..."

"*Coughhack* Social Distancing, UN! *Hackcough* Social Distancing!" gasped Bad 
Judgment Boy trying to break free from the ninja's grip.

"Oh, right right," nodded the Ultimate Ninja expeditiously dropping Bad Judgment 
Boy down on the floor.  Both quickly backed away six feet from each other.  
"Social Distancing Social Distancing.  *Ahem* anyways -- There are a massive 
amount of people dying of this pandemic across the world.  Net.ropolis is in 
lockdown with thousands dead!  We have a president who is a complete idiot!  And 
the LNH can't do anything about this because of the magic spell that 
Comboverthing has cast tying his fate with his Real Life version!  And this 
pandemic seems to be also tied to that spell so there is nothing our LNH 
Brainiacs can do to fix it either!  We're now completely at the mercy of those 
idiots in the Real World -- and until they get their shit together -- Nothing is 
going to change!!" The Ultimate Ninja gave a swift glare toward the Fourth Wall.  
"There is nothing boring about any of this!"

Bad Judgment Boy gave a yawn, "Look this virus -- it's all a Fake News Hoax 
trying to sabotage Comboverthings reelection chances!  Seriously!  Also I saw on 
the internet that all you need to protect yourself from it is a simple trick of 
drinking a bottle of vodka while taking a sauna -- or hmm was that sauna or was 
that enema?  Hold on a sec."  Bad Judgment Boy took out his smart phone.

"Do not look that up.  Just explain to me why you have a sabertooth running 
around the LNHHQ?"

"Oh, yeah -- that!  Oh and sorry about Cannon Fodder getting killed.  I guess I 
really should have fed all of my sabertooth tigers before I unleashed them on 
the LNH.  My bad, UN!"

"Wait, how many sabertooths are currently on the loose?"

"Look only a very, very tiny you know," Bad Judgment Boy starting counting with 
his fingers, "A few thousand or so -- nothing to worry about.  They're mostly 
sweetie pies -- mostly.  And don't get angry about this, UN, but I kinda maxed 
out all of your credit cards buying them -- I think if I had a few more thousand 
I could have bought some food for them -- but I think it's going to be all 
right.  I just have a feeling that..."

"So there are a few thousand hungry sabertooths roaming the LNHHQ as we speak -- 
that's what you're saying?  And you think it's going to be all right.  That's 
what you're saying.  It's all going to work out for the best."

"Yeah, I really think we're on the same page here, UN.  Yeah, there will 
probably be a few more fatalities, but nothing too extreme -- and once we get 
used to them we're going totally dig this whole new sabertooth tiger lifestyle.  
It's going to be pretty awesome -- yep.  I mean we should probably buy some 
sabertooth tiger chow sometime this week, but no rush and..."


                         *******       ********      *********


A little bit later that same day...

In one of the LNHHQ's Holding Cells...

"Haha, good one, UN!  What a jokester you are!" said a highly amused Bad 
Judgment Boy while he sat on the bottom bunk bed of his cell.  "You banning me 
for life from the LNH -- you saying how you're going to make sure I rot in a 
jail cell for the rest of life -- this April Fools Joke is hilarious!  You got 
me! No no, really you got me.  But seriously -- you can say 'April Fools' now.  
UN?  UN?  Okay, right, you want me to sweat it out a bit more.  Hilarious!  I'm 
really loving this -- no really!  Okay.  You're going to let me wait another 30 
or so minutes before you release me?  Got it!  Man, you really are a terrific 
jokester.  I'm almost thinking that you're completely serious about me being 
thrown in jail for the rest of my life.  Ha, ha such a kidder!  Man.  You got to 
love it!"

Bad Judgment Boy looked at this watch.  And then took off one of his boots and 
looked into it.  "Oh, there it is!  That baggie of Heroin laced with fentanyl 
that I had thought I had lost.  Man.  I totally make the best decisions!"

Bad Judgment Boy gave a wink towards the Fourth Wall.


                         *******       ********      *********



                         *******       ********      *********

Credits:

Ultimate Ninja and Cannon Fodder -- are wReam's
Bad Judgment Boy and Ebola the Sabertooth -- are mine
Comboverthing -- Satan's perhaps?

Writer's Notes:

During these bleak times -- this was the least bleak story I could think of 
writing about it.  If anyone wants to write another issue of this for a whacky 
add on cascade you're welcome to do that.

Or maybe you're from the future and reading this past relic from the time of the 
great COVID 19 pandemic -- and perhaps this was the very last LNH story that 
anyone ever wrote -- and if so -- Yes, all of the LNH were eaten up by 
sabertooth tigers -- that's how the whole LNH story ends.  Uhuh.  Yep.  Didn't 
see that one coming -- did you?

Arthur "Bleak.." Spitzer