LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #121: LNH vII #15

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Sep 22 14:22:21 PDT 2019

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the fifteenth issue of LNH volume II.

And for issue 15 of LNH vII we have not one, not two, but THREE AMAZING
stories by that RASCALLY RAPSCALLION Tom Russell (well according to Tom.
I, myself, refuse to take a stand on their level of amazement.).

Story one is a Lesson in Physics and it should be noted in the archive
there's a rebuttal to that by Martin Phipps where he gives his critique
of the issue and Tom's grasp of physics.

And two Pants Rabbit Lad stories!  Finally, it can now be answered once
and for all -- Does Pants Rabbit Lad know Tyler Bridge?

Find out in (well unless Pants Rabbit Lad is lying)..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #121

                              LNH vII 15

From: Tom Russell <milos_parker at yahoo.com>
Subject: LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes Vol. 2 # 15: The Lost Issue! Three
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sun, 11 Jun 2006 01:51:13 -0700 (PDT)

___  ___________________________ 
| |-|                           \ 
| |-| []                        / 
| | | [] egion of               \ volume 2 
| | | []__ [] []   []  []       /  # 15
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes  \ 
| | |      []\ ]   [ __ ]       /   
| |-|      [] []   []  []       \   
| |-|___________________________/ 
| | 
| |   
| |   2. FAN CLUB      
| |   3. FAN MAIL
| |      
|_|           TOM RUSSELL

"A Lesson in Physics"

   Adamant Authority-on-Everything passes by Obscure
Trivia Lad.
   "Adam," says Obscure Trivia Lad, "did you know that
if you shrank to a height of six inches, your muscles
would still apply the same amount of pressure as they
do at normal height, precisely forty pounds?"
   "Wait a second," says Adamant
Authority-on-Everything.  "But you'd weigh less! 
There's no way you'd apply the same amount of
   "It's a matter of mechanical force," explains
Obscure Trivia Lad.  "Weight doesn't matter."
   "Let's say there's an apple, it weighs five pounds.
 Now, if you weigh five ounces, there's no way you're
going to lift that apple."
   "No," says Obscure Trivia Lad, "but if you applied
pressure to it, it would have the same effect
irregardless of weight."
   "But it's bigger!  And your fist would be smaller. 
If you apply forty pounds across your smaller mass,
there's no way you could even make a dent in it."
   "But it's still the same amount of pressure," says
Obscure Trivia Lad testily.  "Whether it's a fist or a
wrecking ball, if it's applying forty pounds of
pressure, the same amount of pressure is applied."
   "You're telling me if you were six inches tall, you
could still apply forty pounds of pressure to a
ten-pound bowling ball, and that you could push that
ball the same distance?"
   "Yes, if you applied it to the correct place."
   "Wait, wait, wait.  What does that mean, the
correct place?"
   "Obscure Trivia Lad means that if you place
pressure to the center of the ball's surface, it will
do a whole lot more than placing pressure to the
tippy-top or bottom."
   "But you're six inches tall."
   "So you get a ladder."
   "What?  No way, man.  You can't suddenly add a
   "You didn't say anything about no ladder," says
Adamant Authority-on-Everything.
   "You said, and I quote, that no matter what your
size, you could do the same amount of damage."
   "You're actually not quoting; you're paraphrasing."
   "So now you're saying that you didn't say that."
   "No.  Obscure Trivia Lad did say that, just not in
those exact words."
   "Well, you know what words you should have used? 
You should have said, if you're six inches tall and
have a miniature ladder.  Which would actually make
you over six inches tall, if you think about it."
   "The pressure remains the same!" says Obscure
Trivia Lad.  "The same!"
   Adamant Authority-on-Everything sniffs.  "No, it
doesn't.  You're only six inches, man.  You'd weigh
less.  ... Hey, where are you going?"
   "Obscure Trivia Lad is going to find a shrink-gun."
   "Yeah?  Why's that?"
   "So Obscure Trivia Lad can shrink himself."
   "And why would you want to do that?"
   "So Obscure Trivia Lad can punch you in the face."
   "But you'd be teeny-tiny!" says Adamant
Authority-on-Everything.  "There's no way your punches
could even hurt me!"
   "Then you have nothing to worry about," says
Obscure Trivia Lad.


   Haiku Gorilla is on duty in the supply room. 
Obscure Trivia Lad, remember that the
seventeen-syllable simian only answers questions posed
in haiku form, is not surprised to see Namedropper Lad
standing to the side, trying to formulate his
question.  Namedropper Lad mutters something about
Fabian Nicieza and allows Obscure Trivia Lad to go

   "Obscure Trivia
    Lad needs the shrink-gun, dear friend.
    Yellowing leaves fall."

   Haiku Gorilla nods and consults the files.
   "Damn it," says Namedropper Lad.  "How did you do
it, tossing it off so quickly?"
   "Obscure Trivia Lad just said what was necessary,
and nothing more.  That is the essence of haiku."
   "Yeah, well, I was raised on decompression," says
Namedropper Lad bitterly.  "I've been standing here
for twelve hours!  All I want are some bandages! 
Preferably autographed by Ed Brubaker!  Is that so
much to ask?  God-damn wind blowing through the
elegant pine trees, all right?"
   Haiku Gorilla stops a moment, counts on his
fingers, and shakes his head.  He turns to Obscure
Trivia Lad.

   " a skittish doe claimed
     antlered braggadocio
     oh silent forest "

   Namedropper Lad quivers with bug-eyed fury.  "What
the hell does that mean?  I'm losing liters of blood,
from a frickin' paper cut!  Just give me a band-aid!"
   Obscure Trivia Lad bows to Haiku Gorilla and heads
off to Master Blaster's room.


   "Rob's still in the infirmary," says his wife,
Sister State-the-Obvious.  "He's still unable to
   "Obscure Trivia Lad thought he would have recovered
by now."
   "Oh," says Sister State-the-Obvious, "I'm sure
he'll be back on his feet in no time.  After all, he
is a popular character and no radical change ever
sticks to a popular character for very long." [*-- see
the upcoming MASTER BLASTER SPECIAL # 6 for
reset-button continuity at its finest.]
   Just then, Frat Boy walks down the hall, sobbing
and saying over and over again, "Weiner Boy?  It was
alright with Frank.  But Weiner Boy...?"
   "He should be up about now," says Sister
State-the-Obvious.  "I think WikiBoy is keeping him

   The caesar of cool waves at Obscure Trivia Lad, the
skittish doe in hand.
   "Hello, Master Blaster.  Obscure Trivia Lad thought
WikiBoy was here with you."
   "He is," says Master Blaster.  He presses a button
on the shrink-ray, and WikiBoy springs back into view.
   "Please," says WikiBoy.  "Please don't do that
   Master Blaster presses the other button on the
shrink-ray, and WikiBoy dwindles out of sight.  "Man,"
says Master Blaster.  "This is more fun than a barrel
full of monkeys."
   "Obscure Trivia Lad thinks a barrel full of monkeys
would not be fun.  They can get ornery when they're
   "Ssh," says Master Blaster.  "Just watch."  He
presses the normal size button, and WikiBoy pops back
into view.  Master Blaster stares at him for a long
   "Well?" says WikiBoy impassionedly.  "What are you
waiting for?  You're just going to shrink me again,
aren't you?"
   "Yep," says Master Blaster.
   "Then why are you stalling?"
   "More fun this way," shrugs Master Blaster before
shrinking WikiBoy again.
   "Master Blaster," says Obscure Trivia Lad, "Obscure
Trivia Lad was wondering if he could have the
shrink-ray for a short while."
   "But I'm using it to shrink WikiBoy."
   "Couldn't you just edit WikiBoy into being smaller
or larger to suit your needs?"
   "I could," says Master Blaster.  "But then I don't
have a shrink-ray to threaten him with."
   "You could edit him into a shrink-ray," suggests
Obscure Trivia Lad.
   "That's a great idea," says Master Blaster.  He
unshrinks WikiBoy and hands the shrink-ray to Obscure
Trivia Lad, who leaves.
   "Okay, WikiBoy, me lad," says Master Blaster.  "You
are now a shrink-ray!"
   WikiBoy is thusly transformed.
   "And now, I shall shrink you with... uh, you.  Um. 


   Namedropper Lad is still there when Obscure Trivia
Lad comes back with the shrink-ray.  Obscure Trivia
Lad steps right up to Haiku Gorilla and says,

   "Please transfer shrink-ray
    from M. B. to O. T. L.
    Snow-suited acorns."

   " tomorrow, midnight
     nickel pumpkin-penalty
     need anything else? "

   "A five foot ladder
    designed for a six-inch man.
    Pickled dancing spring."

   " just your luck, my friend
     happen to have one in stock
     crisply-turning swamp "

   Haiku Gorilla hands Obscure Trivia Lad the
five-foot ladder, which has literally hundreds of
steps.  Obscure Trivia Lad bids him farewell:

   "Have asses to kick,
    and miles to go before sleep.
    Cold, paraphrased Frost."

   Just before Obscure Trivia Lad is about to leave,
Namedropper Lad snaps his fingers and says,

   "Wolfman, Busiek,
    Don McGregor, Gulacy,
    Larry Lieber, band-aid."

   Haiku Gorilla blinks.

   " a sickly stripling
     you're not e'en trying, are you?
     no band-aid for you! "

   "Besides," adds Obscure Trivia Lad, "it's
pronounced BUS-ICK."


   "Hey, Obscure Trivia Lad," says Adamant
Authority-on-Everything.  "What are you doing with
that shrink-ray and strange ladder?"
   "Obscure Trivia Lad is calling you out," drawls the
trivia titan.  "High noon tomorrow.  On the front
   "Are you serious?"
   Obscure Trivia Lad stares at him with
uncharacteristically cold eyes.
   "Alright, then," says Adamant
Authority-on-Everything.  "You got yourself a
showdown.  High noon."


   News quickly spreads of the impending
confrontation, and bets are quickly placed.  Most
legionnaires concede that they don't think a six-inch
Obscure Trivia Lad (cyborg shape-shifting body or not)
stands a chance, but they bet against Adamant
Authority-on-Everything, citing a commonly-held law of
statistics, Always Bet Against Obnoxious People. 
Catalyst Lass is disturbed when she hears about
tomorrow's confrontation.
   "I don't like all this in-fighting," says the maven
of persuasion.  "I'm going to put a stop to it right
   She knows that even someone of her considerable
power to persuade people to share her interests stands
little chance against Adamant Authority-on-Everything.
 Which leaves Obscure Trivia Lad.


   Obscure Trivia Lad sits in his rocking chair.
   "This isn't like you," says Catalyst Lass.  She
sits down across from him on his bed, her legs
dangling over the side.  She puts her arms behind her
back to support her as she leans back, the spandex
taut against her softly sloping belly.  She continues
speaking to Obscure Trivia Lad, through full lips
pursed in a perpetual smile.  "You're such a sweet
guy, OTL.  You never think ill of anyone.  In fact, I
kinda wish I could be more like you.  You're so... I
dunno, Zen."
   "What do you mean, Cat?"
   "Please, call me Catherine."
   He nods.  She remains silent, her eyes wide and
dark, waiting.
   "Catherine," he says, finally, stumbling somewhat
over her soft name.
   She smiles, her upper row of white, white teeth
applying the slightest bit of pressure to her lower
lip.  "I really don't think you should go through with
this fight," she says in a whisper so well-practiced
and nonchalant that it is overtaken by a mild yawn. 
Keeping herself propped up with her left arm, she
lifts her right straight into the air, stretching
skywards for the duration of the yawn.  She lets the
arm fall limp and opens her eyes, feigning
embarrassment before she sits up and adopts a less
sensual pose.  "We wouldn't want you to get hurt,
would we?"
   "Obscure Trivia Lad will not be hurt," he says,
sturdy and determined.  "Obscure Trivia Lad knows that
the muscles in the arm apply forty pounds of pressure,
irregardless of mass or weight!"
   "You're never going to convince him of that," says
Cat.  "So what will it prove?"
   "Nothing," admits Obscure Trivia Lad.  "But it will
take him down a peg."
   "Would it really, though?  He's wholly incapable of
learning from anything."
   "It would make Obscure Trivia Lad feel better."
   "You know that's not a good reason," says Cat,
leaning forward and resting her hand on his liquid
metal skin.  "I can tell from your voice."
   "But he deserves it."
   Catalyst Lass tries to think of an answer, but
can't.  "That's true.  He does.  But I'm not sure
shrinking yourself to six-inches is the way to do it. 
He could squash you before you even start to climb the
   "Ah, but Obscure Trivia Lad has a plan."


   Catalyst Lass leaves the room, a bit dazed.  Over
the last decade and a half, she'd convinced lots of
people to see things her way.  This was the first time
in a long time that it happened the other way around.


   A small number of legionnaires gather on the lawn
about fifteen minutes before noon.  Some have brought
picnic baskets, some are with dates, some are doing
things they never thought they would do, all for the
sake of a Klondike bar.  But most of them just wait as
the minutes tick by, inching closer to noon.
   "Hey, Adam," calls out Sarcastic Lad.  "You going
to squash 'im or flick 'im?"
   "I'm going to stomp him," answers Adamant
Authority-on-Everything.  "He's not even going to
touch his ladder."
   "You better make sure you're up on your medical,"
snorts the caustic crusader.  "Just in case he manages
to punch you with his teeny-tiny fist."
   "He's six inches tall," says Adamant
Authority-on-Everything.  "He'll weight mere ounces. 
There's no possible way for him to hurt me."
   "Obscure Trivia Lad is going to school you,
junior," says the android almanac.  "No one can
disregard the laws of physics."
   "Except atoms," says Sarc.
   "Well?" Adamant Authority-on-Everything walks up to
Obscure Trivia Lad, breathing in his face.  "Aren't
you going to set up your ridiculous ladder?"
   Obscure Trivia Lad pushes the button on the
shrink-ray.  Both he and the ladder disappear from
   "Oh my god," says Adamant Authority-on-Everything,
"I think I'm going to die laughing!  He shrank his
ladder too, the dork!  How are you going to climb it
if you shrank it?"
   As if to answer, the ladder grows back to normal
size, Obscure Trivia Lad perched atop its penultimate
   "Ain't going to do you no good," sneers Adamant
Authority-on-Everything.  "In order to punch me, you
still got to hit me first!"
   Adamant Authority-on-Everything prepares to flick
poor Obscure Trivia Lad away.
   He stops, in utter shock, to see that his costume
has torn right down the middle!  Out of the corner of
his eye, he spots the cause of this distress.  "The
Ripping Dancer!"
   Adamant Authority-on-Everything turns back just in
time for Obscure Trivia Lad to break his nose and send
him, arms flailing, hurtling to the ground.
   "Thanks, Tara," squeaks Obscure Trivia Lad.  "The
plan went off without a hitch!"
   "You're welcome," coos Ripping Dancer. 
"Technically, though, at six inches we shouldn't be
able to hear you at all.  That's just proper physics."


   "Hey, Obscure Trivia Lad!  I suppose you've heard
about that physicist who was a cannibal."
   "Good lord, no!  Who was it?"
   "Richard P. Dinemen."


   "Well?" Adamant Authority-on-Everything walks up to
Obscure Trivia Lad, breathing in his face.  "Aren't
you going to set up your ridiculous ladder?"
   "No," says Obscure Trivia Lad.
   Obscure Trivia Lad zaps him with the shrink gun and
steps on him.


Character credits.

Obscure Trivia Lad: Brian Perler.
Catalyst Lass: Elisabeth Riba.
Adamant Authority-on-Everything, Sister
State-the-Obvious: wReam.
Sarcastic Lad: Gary St. Lawrence.
Ripping Dancer: Arthur Spitzer.
Master Blaster: Martin Phipps.

All of the above are useable without permission.

Haiku Gorilla, Namedropper Lad, and WikiBoy: Tom
Russell.  All may be cameoed with permission.  Cameo =
gags; if a story hinges on the character, you should
ask me first.

By the way, I have a Catalyst Lass vs. Self-Righteous
Preacher story in the works.  Just thought I'd give
some heads-up/reserve the idea in case anyone else
comes up with it before I get around to finishing it. 



A member of the LNH since 1998,
PANTS RABBIT LAD took his own life
in HAIKU GORILLA # 119-120.  Now,
let us look back on the career of
this under-appreciated legionnaire,
as we present one of the many

Pants Rabbit Lad in
    " Fan Club "


   People are always asking me if I know Tyler Bridge.
   And I keep telling them: no.  I don't.



A member of the LNH since 1998,
PANTS RABBIT LAD took his own life
in HAIKU GORILLA # 119-120.  Now,
let us look back on the career of
this under-appreciated legionnaire,
as we present one of the many

Pants Rabbit Lad in
    " Fan Mail "


   Fred waltzes into the Ultimate Ninja's office with
two back-breaking bags full of mail, and two letters
tucked in his mouth.
   "Ah," says the Ninja.  "My adoring fans."
   Fred nods and spits out the two letters, which
flutter for a brief moment before landing on the desk.
   "What about the rest of them?" asks the Ninja,
referring to the two bags.
   "Pants Rabbit Lad," says Fred.  "He's become very
popular as of late."
   "The new guy?" says the Ninja.  "The one with
   "Today's a slow day," says Fred.  "Usually he has
three bags of mail."
   "This sounds suspect," says the Ninja.  "I think
I'll deliver that mail, Fred."
   Fred is nonplussed.  "You're not going to destroy
it or open it or anything, are you?  Because that
would be tampering and..."
   "Give me the bags, and get out of here!"

   The Ninja knocks on the door.
   "Come in," says Pants Rabbit Lad.
   The Ninja opens the door with his foot, and sets
the two bags of fan mail onto the floor, next to about
a dozen others.
   "You've got a mighty big fandom," says the Ninja.
   "I can hardly keep up with it," says Pants Rabbit
Lad.  "It takes up all of my free time.  But you know
how it is."
   "Actually, no, I don't," says the Ninja.  "In fact,
I can't remember any legionnaire getting this much
   "Yes, well," says Pants Rabbit Lad quickly as he
sets to autographing a stack of photos.  "I've got to
get back to it, then..."
   The Ninja leaps across the room, unsheathing his
Ginsu katana in mid-air; as his feet hit the bed, the
sword strikes the stack of photos.  He bounces from
the bed and stands straight up on the floor, picking
one of the photos from the blade like chicken from a
shish kabob.  "What is this?" he demands,
   The photo is of an adorable bunny rabbit, wearing a
pair of blue trousers.  The back of the trousers has
been especially altered so that its tiny little bob of
a cotton tail is visible.
   "I can explain."
   "You better."
   "The letters just started coming in.  As soon as
the public saw my name on the roster, they assumed I
was a little rabbit who wore pants!  And I didn't want
to disappoint after they had sent me so many pairs of
cotton-tail friendly miniature pants..."  Pants Rabbit
Lad opens his drawer and takes out several pairs.
   "But didn't they know the truth from looking at the
roster?" says the Ninja.  "It would have included info
on your powers!"
   Pants Rabbit Lad reaches into the drawer, and
procures a fine-toothed comb.
   "This is completely unacceptable, Pants Rabbit
Lad," says the Ninja.  "And I want you to write a
letter of sincere apology to each and every one of
your fan club members to be included with an
autographed photo of your hideous, unlovable face."
   "I figured as much.  Oh, well.  Nice while it


   Fred enters the Ninja's office with four bags of
mail.  "Here you are, sir."
   "Thank you, Fred."
   "And sir?"
   "Yes, Fred?"
   "There's been a lot of calls from the news media,
lately.  They seem to think that you've been
transformed into a cute little bunny rabbit who wears
miniature trousers."
   "Well, you can just tell them that I'm 'hopping'
   "With 'hopping' in quotes, sir?"
   "Of course."  Fred leaves.  The Ninja turns back to
his stack of bunny photos to autograph.
   "What?  It worked, didn't it?"


Pants Rabbit Lad, Tyler Bridge: Tom Russell.
Fred: Ken Schmidt.
Ultimate Ninja: wReam.

All stories (C) COPYRIGHT 2006 TOM RUSSELL.


Tom Russell
Limited autographed dvds now on sale, directly from the filmmaker

"In the beginning, Milos seems to have no clue how to relate
 to anyone.  He is quizzical, leaving the viewer questioning
 and wondering..." 
  -- Ryan M. Niemiec, co-author of MOVIES AND MENTAL ILLNESS


"If a comic book, book, movie or novel is not somebody's fantasy 
then who wrote it and to whom does it appeal to?  In order for a 
shared universe to have a widespread appeal, it has to appeal on 
a primal level.  If somebody says superhero comics are just 'wish 
fulfillment' then he needs to explain what is entertainment that 
doesn't satisfy our wishes and what satisfaction at all you can get 
from it." -- Dr. Martin Phipps

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Next Week: Maybe LNH vII #16...

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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