LNH: The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season One #1

[Drew Perron]

On 10/30/2019 10:42 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> 
>               The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season One #1

Aaaaaa YAY an all-new LNH story by Arthur! :D

> The Ultimate Ninja looked at the various papers he had just been handed with a
> suspicious expression.  "What is this?"
> 
> "They're umm papers," said Namer Boy with a slightly worried look on his face.
> "Papers that I need you to sign because of this Documentary that's being made about
> me."

Oooooooh, fascinating concept.

> "Yep!  It's going to be like a 24 episodes documentary (each an hour long) that's
> going to air on USENetflix.

Yes *good* pun.

> "No," said the ninja shaking his head.  "This sounds like a prank.  Probably by
> Sarcastic Lad -- Frat Boy -- maybe Invisible Incendiary.  Yes.  That's probably it."

X3

> "Why?  Why would anyone in their right mind do a documentary about you of all people?
> I mean there are literally over a thousand members of the LNH that would make a more
> interesting subject than you would.  I mean pretty much every single LNH'r there has
> ever been or every will be would be a better choice (well of course ignoring Never-
> Should-Have-A-Documentary-Made-About-Them Pirate Gorilla Robohunk)."
> 
> "Err -- umm..."

*So* harsh. X3 X3 X3

> "Yes, that could be it.  It makes perfect sense.  Any mastermind worth their salt
> would know that I would never ever approve of a Namer Boy documentary -- that it
> would never ever happen on my watch.  And that's how it begins.  How it all begins!
> Some dark timeline leading to an apocalyptic future that could have been easily
> stopped if only I had done this stupid and absurd act of signing these papers.  Hmm."
> 
> And then there was some more dramatic silence as the Ultimate Ninja just gazed at the
> papers deep in thought -- deep in calculation of all the possible timelines that
> could happen.  And Namer Boy was also very silent -- afraid to say anything or even
> breath.
> 
> And finally, "Okay.  Guess I'll sign them."

God that's a perfect line of ridiculous logic, of the kind Arthur is the best at. X3

> "Umm, thanks," said a nervous Namer Boy edging slowly towards the door.
> 
> "And if this turns out to be a prank?" the Ultimate Ninja made a gesture towards his
> Ginsu Katana and then made some stabby motions with it.

Heeheehee :3

> "YES!!" chortled a (man?) wearing a ski mask over (his?) face gazing into a monitor
> screen that showed the Ultimate Ninja and Namer Boy.  This mysterious person wore a
> shirt with the words 'Dr. You'll-Never-Guess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-
> NEVER!' in bold print.  And he (okay, he's a male -- I don't have the patience to
> keep adding these parentheses) was also sporting some flashy looking MC Hammer
> parachute pants.

oh my god. X3 I love this nerd and the nerd writing surrounding it.

> Two guys in cop uniforms were busy filming him while he continued cackling.  "Yes.
> All my carefully planned machinations have all led to this!  All the Flame Wars,
> Killfile Wars, Infinite Aprils, Beige Midnights, Beige Beer o'Clocks, Wikilulls,
> 9-11s, the Comboverthing Presidency -- all of it.

*GASPS* of course! The only thing that could explain this bullshit!

> "So should we keep filming," said one of the camera guys by the name of Sarge.
> 
> "Yes, yes!!  Keep filming!  I'm just having a long dramatic pause!  But keep filming!

XD XD XD

> "I dunno.  Maybe it will be about Brad Pitt?" asked Kid.
> 
> "God.  That would be so freakin' lame!" said Sarge shaking his head.

*cackles fiendishly* OF COURSE.

> "It's going to be about me!!!  Yes, ME!!!!!  All me!!!!  All the billions of people
> in the Looniverse that will watch this Namer Boy documentary..."
> 
> "Hmm.  Billions seems a bit high.  Maybe more like.." said Kid counting his fingers
> on one hand.
> 
> "They're going to see a documentary about me instead!!

X3

> And
> they'll wonder who is this sexy hunk of mysterious MASTERMIND. 

omfg. X3

> They'll be so
> completely riveted by that question -- Yes.  They'll talk about it with their work
> mates at the old water cooler!  It will be a bigger trender on the old social media
> majiggy!!

XD XD XD

> They'll have to wait for the final episode where it will be revealed who
> I am!  And they'll think to themselves, 'Ah!  Should've guessed that!  That was quite
> obvious really!  Of course it would be him!  The most awesome, greatest, sexiest of
> all of the LNH villains!!'

:D :D :D <3 <3 <3

> "Wow.  That sounds great -- and we're going to be the regular film crew for this
> whole thingee, right?  Because I could really use the steady paycheck," asked Sarge.

Are you... actually *in* the police, or...

> "Yes, yes, yes.  Anyways... oh," the mysterious ski-masked man winced his face and
> clutched his hand on his chest.  "Uhggg.  Don't feel so good.  Maybe too much
> Halloween candy?  Oh, Jesus."  He suddenly had a panicked look as if he could feel
> something horrible was about to happen.
> 
> And then a huge red geyser started spraying out of his chest as a parakeet covered in
> that same blood and wearing a tiny witches hat burst out of it.  The parakeet
> screeched like a demon from hell.

oh my fucking GOD. XD Why. How. Amazing. What the heck. XD

> And Sarge (still filming all this) shouted, "No!  Stop shooting, Kid!  That's Pumpkin
> the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!!  She really hates people who try to shoot at her!
> Plus she's got like this blood that's stronger than the strongest acid so you really
> don't want to wound her!"

OF COURSE. I was wondering yesterday if there was a Halloween Miracle Pet! :D

> "Oh!"  An embarrassed Kid pulled his weapon down, "Sorry, Pumpkin!  I didn't realize
> you were one of the Holiday Miracle Pets!  I thought you were just your every day
> typical parakeet that bursts out of people's chests!  My bad!"

XD XD XD

> Pumpkin didn't bother responding back -- instead she burst out of one of the windows
> as if she had way betters things to do than accept some stupid human's apology.  This
> was Halloween after all!  There would be Miracles.  And there would be Blood!

Holy shit.

> "Hey, hey, hey!!" shouted a naked Charlie Sheen who had just come out of one of the
> second floor rooms.  "Could you assholes keep it down?  I'm trying to snort coke off
> of my sabertooth tiger Binky's testicles!!  Jesus!  This is Halloween!  Show some
> respect!"

There's so much to unpack here

> "Oh, man, Sarge," said a very distressed Kid.  "Is ski mask guy dead?"
> 
> Sarge examined the body.  "'Fraid so.  I mean I think he could have survived the
> burst chest, but all those gunshots he took..."
> 
> "Whoops!" said Kid looking very sheepishly at his gun.

Whoops indeed. X3

> Hmm.  Guess we'll never find out who
> this guy really was."
> 
> "Oh, I wouldn't say that," said Sarge as he removed the ski mask off the man.  "Then
> again.  Yeah, I don't who the hell this guy is."
> 
> "Me either!" said Kid with a shrug.

Pffffffffff X3

> Writer's Notes:  When I first thought of doing this story I wasn't planning on
> being as obvious about who the mysterious villain was, but since Drew posted
> that link to Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man I might as well
> be more obvious.

:D I mean, that in and of itself is an amazing joke

> And I'll assume he's way too
> awesome to die from a burst chest and multiple gun wounds -- so if anyone still
> wants to use him for stuff -- go ahead.

Heck yeah!!

> And I've got an idea for a second issue -- so maybe expect that in 2020..

Looking forward to it! :3

> Here's some roster stuff for Pumpkin:
> 
> Name:  Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet
> 
> Appearance:  She's a parakeet that's the same color as candy corn (although
> a lot of time splattered in blood.  Where's a tiny witches hat.
> 
> Powers:  Can transform into any type of Halloween candy.  Also very good at
> bursting out of people's chests.  And various other Halloween miracle powers.
> 
> Usability:  Free for use (although only during the Halloween season)
> 
> Hollywood Celebrity Totem:  Charlie Sheen

Yes! :D Adding all of this tout suite!

Drew "astounding silliness" Nilium