LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #125: Infinite Leadership Cri.Sig Part One
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Oct 27 14:38:23 PDT 2019
Because we're in the 2007 stories you won't be able to find these
in the eyrie archive but you can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for these stories the first part of
Infinite Leadership Cri.Sig (or Crisis).
LNH Comics Presents #35 by Jamas Enright kicks off this new multi-writer
epic. Will the Ultimate Ninja take his vacation leave or face all of the
horrible consequences that leaders who don't take their leave have to deal
with. And LNH dice -- the next big thing?
LNHCP #36 by yours truly, Arthur Spitzer. It's Fearless Leader's first full
day as the leader of the LNH and it's also April Fool's Day. Will Fearless
Leader survive his first day and will he learn to love the Whoopee Cushion of
Find all that out in..
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Infinite Leadership Cri.Sig Part One
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #35: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRISIS #0
Date: Sun, 1 Apr 2007 03:19:29 +0000 (UTC)
[Note: I tried to post this earlier but it doesn't look like it made it,
so am reposting. Since I got the issue # number, this one superceeds that
one. (...asssuming this posts...)]
Infinite Leadership Crisis: Episode #0
"LNH dice?? Are you kidding me? No, I'm not going to sign the contract!"
Ultimate Ninja slammed the phone down, glaring at it to stop it from
immediately ringing again. That didn't work, so the ninja decided to
storm out of the office instead.
"Hold my calls," he yelled at his secretaries as he rushed past
them. "I'm going to be in the Peril Room."
"Um, sir... the Peril Room is currently off line," John called
out after him, not in his strongest voice.
Ultimate Ninja stopped mid-stride, with one leg off the ground.
John and Sally were suitably impressed by this, especially when he
didn't tremble in the slightest, but as the minutes passed, they became
ever more increasingly worried.
"Perhaps we should call someone?" Sally asked.
"He doesn't make house calls," Sally replied, shuddering at the
memory of the last time she had talked to the Master of Medical
"Well, someone else is bound to notice him like this..."
"Hey, Ninja, what's up?" asked Unperceptive Lad, patting the
pseudo-ninja statue on the arm as he passed by.
"Okay, bad example. The next person..."
"Hi leader," Browsing Boy called out as he walked on, his head
buried in a book.
"Okay, the _next_ person..."
"What up, Ninja!" Master Blaster yelled, high-fiving the ninja
on his slightly upraised hand (but not budging him an inch), before
continuing on, whistling.
"These people are doing this deliberately!"
At this point, Doctor Stomper arrived. "Ultimate Ninja I have...
hello? What's going on?"
John shrugged. "We're not sure."
"I think he blew a fuse," Sally said.
"I doubt that's exactly the case, but I think we'll need help
with this." Doctor Stomper picked up the telephone, dialled the
extension for LNHQ-wide announcements, and said, "Wikiboy to Ultimate
Ninja's office. Wikiboy to Ultimate Ninja's office." After a pause, he
added, "By the way, you have teleportation ability and like to use it to
An instant later, Wikiboy appeared, staggering slightly from the
"Sorry about that, Wikiboy, but I... why are you yellow with
pink polka dots?" Right before Wikiboy replied, Doctor Stomper clicked
on the answer and they said in tandem, "Master Blaster."
"Right, well, revert all edits," Doctor Stomper announced.
Wikiboy blinked a few times, then smiled in appreciation. "Thank
you for that, Doctor."
"We need your help," Doctor Stomper said without further
preamble, indicating the ninja.
"What can I do?"
"You are an expert on ninjas, with a speciality in ultimate
ones," Doctor Stomper declared.
After the edit took effect, Wikiboy retrieved a pair of glasses,
perched them on his nose, then peered over them at Ultimate Ninja.
"Vell, your nenja is a verry fragile kreature. Shudden shocks can
desturb za delikate intrikate inner verkings of ze nenja mind. This is,
of kourse, pronounced in ze cases of ze ultimate ninjas, and kan be very
dongerous vhen left untreated. I vekommend complete bedrest, preverably
someplace away from people. Zis is, of kourse, so zhat za people might
not be killed vhen ze ninja finally veturns to normal."
"As in... some kind of holiday?" Sally asked.
"Well, when was the last time he took a holiday?" Doctor Stomper
"Does when he was replaced by the evil Ultimate Ninja count?"
John asked, flipping back through the pages of the day planner before
"Wikiboy, you're our current HR expert. How much leave does
Ultimate Ninja have owning him?" Doctor Stomper asked, turning to
Putting the glasses away, Wikiboy took out a tie and put it on.
The rest of them couldn't be sure, but a faint sheen of slime seemed to
cover him, an image not offset by the too-wide smile of "I'm your
friend" that he wore. "If we allow accumulation of holiday leave (which
is really not recommended without proper signed approval from
management) at the standard rate, include a long term bonus of an extra
week per year, then his current leave balance is around nine months.
However, recognition must be paid to the use of TOIL (again, not a
practice recommended without prior signed approval of management), we
can safely say that Ultimate Ninja has approximately two years of leave
in lieu in one form or another. I would also note that current HR
practices dictate that where leave is identified as having built up to
an extensive period (for example, more than one day, a wonderful
practice that means no-one can ever develop enough holiday time for an
actual holiday, thank you so much), leave is enforced. As this current
discussion has indeed identified such a leave imbalance, we must insist
that Ultimate Ninja take leave immediately or measures will be taken,
not limited to enforced working or premature retirement."
The others stood there, blinking, for several minutes before
being able to speak.
"Wikiboy, revert," Doctor Stomper quickly said when capable.
"Eew," Wikiboy announced. "I have to go wash my hands... and
possibly scrub a layer of skin off my body."
As Wikiboy quickly departed, Doctor Stomper returned to
examining the Ultimate Ninja living statue.
"We need something to shock him into wakefulness," he mused.
"Perhaps you should remove his weapons first," pointed out John,
sinking down to get more cover from his desk.
"I've got the latest ninja vs. pirate results," Sally held up a
sheet of paper. "Ninja's aren't leading."
"Ninja's don't need to lead," Doctor Stomper said, "they know
they are better. No, we need something even more shocking than that... I
Leading close so he could directly whisper into the ninja's ear,
Doctor Stomper said, "They are remaking 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'.
PR Kid has plans involving you and a pet store."
The resulting ninja explosion took several hours to repair. It would
have gone faster but Ultimate Ninja insisted on glaring over the
workmen, slowing everyone down. John and Sally were in the infirmary,
expected to make a quick recovery or suffer more of Doctor
Bad-Beside-Manner. Reports from Doctor Stomper had come in to say that
he had landed in the outskirts but might stay there for a while.
Bizarre Boy sidled up to Ultimate Ninja, and cleared his throat.
"Yes, what?" Ultimate Ninja snapped.
"Right, well... we've been talking, and... well... you know...
you really could use a holiday... and..." Bizarre Boy's voice faulted
under the ninja's stare.
"No-one tells ninjas to take holidays."
"Well, yes, there is that, but... um... well... now that people
have been made aware that you do have rather a large amount of leave..."
Bizarre Boy hesitated again, glared at the short straw he held, then
tried again. "You've either got to take leave or never have leave
"Considering that I haven't take leave yet, I'm not seeing how
not having leave to take would be a problem."
"Well... I don't quite think you understand... people are
talking about the 'Habeas Corps' clause."
"As in... the LNH will own your body, whether you agree or not,
and... well... whether your alive or not. And then you'd literally be
leader in perpetuity."
Bizarre Boy struggled to stay upright against the power of the
glare. "Hey, it's the HR rulebook!" he protested. The power of the ninja
master's stare faded, but Bizarre Boy didn't like the replacement grin
he could sense behind the mask.
"They want me to take leave? Certainly. Let's just see how they
handle a ninja on holiday!"
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy held the next short straw and clutched at it
like a talisman. He gingerly knocked on the Ultimate Ninja's room door,
then stepped back hurriedly.
The voice sounded cheerful enough, but Ame.rec.a's Proudest
Member wasn't so easily fooled. Carefully he pushed the door open, but
was greeted with a sight no more innocuous than Ultimate Ninja packing a
duffel bag. OABoy suspected he might even be hearing the ninja hum, but
wouldn't swear to it.
"Ultimate Ninja... sir... we need you to sign some forms before
you take off. Leave forms, reassignment sheets, cheesecake recipes, that
sort of thing." He held up a clipboard of pages as proof. "Oh, and we
also need the key to the building."
"Right." Pausing in his packing, the ninja reached over, grabbed
a large metal key the size of a book, and tossed it to OABoy, who had to
think fast to catch it.
Curiosity overcame his natural fear of the leader, and OABoy
stepped inside. "Where are you off to, anyway?"
"Going to get back to nature," the ninja replied.
"Oh, going to visit some of the real heartland of this fine
country?" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy asked, already hearing the faint
stirrings of trumpets and violins. "See the fields of wheat waving in
the breeze, the cheery faces of farmers as you walk down that dusty
road, narrowly avoid being run over by cowboys who are racing
desperadoes on their horses, nearly suffer a heart attack trying to eat
that 50 pound hunk of steak, and just generally enjoy the hell out of
the true pasture that makes this the greatest country on this whole
entire planet?" OABoy drew breath as he wiped away a tear.
His eyes cleared to see the ninja waving a fishing pole back and
forth, testing the flex. "Something like that," Ultimate Ninja said
Putting a hat festooned with fishing hooks on his head, Ultimate
Ninja turned and threw the duffel bag to Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy. "Take
this," he said, sweeping past holding onto his fishing pole and tackle
"Er, the papers!" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy called out, following
the ninja while trying to juggle the duffel bag, the clipboard and the
Down in the LNH foyer, there wasn't a crowd per se, but
certainly there were more than a few people there to see Ultimate Ninja
walk out. He proceeded to do so without looking around him, ignoring the
stares of shock (and the stares of amazement at his hat).
Reaching the door, he grabbed his duffel bag back off Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy, and started walking out.
"Hey, Ultimate Ninja," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy called out.
"Who's in charge?"
Ultimate Ninja paused for a moment on the final step, reached
into his clothes and withdrew a shuriken. Without looking back, he threw
it over his shoulder. "That person."
As the ninja vanished onto the street, the LNHers turned to see
where the shuriken had ended up, and saw it embedded in the wall, still
vibrating, close to a throat which was very careful not to move too
Walking over, Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy held out the key.
"Congratulations, Fearless Leader. Looks like you're our new leader."
Blue Light Productions homepage: http://www.blue-light-productions.com/
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #36: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode
Date: Sun, 1 Apr 2007 20:54:40 +0000 (UTC)
Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents #36
INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG
The radio was blaring Disco Inferno. And the car? The car, a '72 Mazda
Cosmo, was driving to hell knows where at a cool 80 miles an hour. And
Sgt. Felix Landers was driving this car. Seated next to him was his
girl. Linda was her name.
"Uhhgg. I hate this disco music. Mind if I change it?" Linda said as
she reached for the radio knob.
Felix gave a shrug. A tumbleweed blew across the highway.
<<This here is DJ Dr. Flipseid grooving you to another hour of the best
bellbottom dance music that a mood ring can buy. So rub your lava lamps
and get our your boogie shoes and get ready to shake your booties...
But first before we do that the Doctor has a little message for all you
Far Out Cosmic Cats out there...>>
"There's something wrong with your radio, Felix. Can't seem to change
it." Linda laughed to herself. "God, this guy is so corny."
Felix wanted to laugh also, but there was something about that voice
that put a chill into him. He had heard that voice before. Why was he
scared of that voice? "Turn off the radio, Linda. Please."
<<i cannot fight you now, but know that my time will come again.>>
"I can't seem to turn it off. It's stuck," Linda said fiddling with the
<<i place this curse upon you. that you will suffer the
knowledge that one of your own could have prevented your doom, but...>>
"Ick. There's something coming out of the radio. Some kind of pink
slimy like substance." Linda with a very disgusted expression looked
for something to wipe her hand with. The pink slimy stuff continued to
pour out of the radio.
<<this is flipseid's curse....>>
Felix slammed the brakes of his car. The pink slime started to spray
out of the radio. "Linda get out!" Felix shouted as he quickly opened
his door. But Linda was still in the overflowing car. Pink Meat
started to pour from the sky. "Linda!" The car started to sink into
the ground as an ocean of pink meat drowned the surface of the world.
He could feel himself sinking into it even as he tried to save Linda
from the car.
Suddenly, he found himself in a world that was filled with this pink
horror. He tried to keep himself from completely sinking under. And
something started to emerge from the pink meat. People made out of this
pink meat. Familiar looking people.
One looked like Sig.Lad. Another like Catalyst Lass. Organic Lass.
Sarcastic Lad. Kid Kirby.
"You killed us all," said the one who looked like Organic Lass.
"No! It wasn't my... Please! I'm sinking."
"You can still save us though," said a Dr. Stomper like man.
"How? How can I? Please...?"
"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" said the Sarcastic Lad like figure.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
And Fearless Leader woke up. Ugh. Stupid dream.
Can't seem to move, Fearless Leader thought to himself. He seemed to be
paralyzed from the neck down. What was wrong with him?
Hell. It was his pajamas. Someone had sewn his PJs to the bed!
Fearless Leader sighed to himself. This was going to be a long day.
Fearless Leader's Day
How I Learned to Stop Worrying
and Love the Whoopee Cushion of Death...
Fearless Leader walked down the hallway with a cup of joe in one hand
and a stack of folders in the other. It was going to be a busy day.
Before he could reach his destination though he stumbled upon a strange
sight. The Preacher was giving one of his fire and brimstone sermons to
some object in the hallway and there was some guy in gorilla suit next
"What the -- what the hell is going on here?"
"Blasphemer!" Self-Righteous Preacher wiped some sweat off his brow.
"I am trying to save this Muslim Suicide Bomber Whoopee Cushion's soul
from entering the pit of fire!!"
"Um. Okay." Fearless backed slightly away.
"Look. I believe I can explain this," said the guy in the gorilla suit
in a rather academic type voice.
"Dr. Stomper? Is that you -- wearing a...?"
The guy in the gorilla suit nodded his head. "Let's go over here and
discuss this." Fearless Leader followed where Dr. Stomper was directing
him. "This is a very delicate situation we're in. You see that whoopee
cushion over there? It has enough power to destroy the Looniverse,
rec.arts.comics.creative and probably a few newsgroups next to RACC."
"Umm. Okay. But *Why* -- Why are you wearing a *Gorilla Suit*?"
"This bomb we're dealing with feeds on seriousness and angst. If the
LNHQ gets too serious today, this thing is going to destroy us all."
Doctor Stomper showed Fearless Leader his scanner. "Right now we're at
a Silliness level of 5.33. If the silliness level drops to below 5.00
this device could very well detonate."
"This is a prank, right? Please tell me this is a prank."
Dr. Stomper shook his gorilla head in a somber way. "Right now we've
got a team headed by Frat Boy going to alt.shenanigans to find a way to
defuse it. We believe this device was some congratulation present for
getting RACC passed back in '94 from the netizens of alt.shenanigans.
It was kept in a storage area that no one had bothered to go into since
that time until last night when Bad Timing Boy accidentally knocked a
basketball into the room, which accidentally triggered the device. And
here we are now.
"Of course." Fearless Leader sighed to himself. "So, how can I help
"You can wear this on your head." Dr. Stomper handed Fearless Leader a
Carmen Miranda style fruit hat.
Fearless looked at the fruit hat. "You're serious?"
"I wouldn't be wearing this gorilla suit if I weren't completely serious."
Fearless Leader placed the fruit hat on his head reluctantly.
"And you should probably also wear this." Dr. Stomper handed Fearless
Leader a coconut bra.
"No. I'm not wearing that. I am not. I am not..."
"Every bit of silliness helps," Dr. Stomper pointed out.
"Fine! Goddamnit." Fearless Leader snatched the coconut bra from the
Doctor's fingers. "Could you help me put it on?
Dr. Stomper nodded his gorilla head.
"And therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, neither with
the leaven of malice and wickedness; but with the unleavened bread of
sincerity and truth!!!! Be gone Satan!!! Begone!!!!! Accept Jesus
Christ as your Savior!!!!" The Preacher's voice rolled through the
hallway like thunder.
I'm not going to survive this day, Fearless Leader thought to himself.
"Is Contraption Man's condition bad?" Fearless Leader said with a
concerned expression as he looked down at the unconscious body lying on
the hospital bed.
"Well, yeah. Comas are usually considered a bad thing," Dr.
Bad-Bedside-Manner said as he took a cigarette out of his mouth and
puffed a little cloud of smoke.
Fearless Leader coughed to himself. "Well. What happened? How did he
get this way?"
"Oh, you know... the usual. Popped in from the future and started
screaming, 'No Future! No Future!' And then afterwards completely
collapsed into Mr. Comatose. And completely ruined this golf game I had
for today, I might add."
"What's going to happen to him?"
"Oh, they'll probably cart him off to the Comatose Contraption Man Ward
with all the other comatose Contraption Mans."
"You're not serious... Are you?"
"Nah. Kidding. But wouldn't it be cool if there were Comatose
Contraption Man Ward? Ah, but we can dream -- can't we?" Dr.
Bad-Bedside-Manner took another puff from his cigarette.
"Should you be smoking in here?"
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner quickly dropped his cigarette behind him. "No.
My bad. Sorry, just trying to get rid of this nasty nicotine gum habit
I have. Won't happen again."
Fearless Leader shook his head and sighed. And then looked over to the
door. Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad was standing by it waiting for something.
"Can I help you Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad?" Fearless Leader asked.
"Oh. No. Nope. Just need to get a check-up from the doctor. Been
having some problems with my powers."
"Really?" Fearless Leader said with concern. "What type of problems?"
"Oh, it's nothing really -- just that every time now that I grab a piece
of paper -- the paper -- well the paper is yellowish and kind of
brittle. Like it's been aged. I don't know. Might be a fungus or
"Well, if you have anymore problems with powers or anything else be sure
and come to me and I'll try to help if I can."
"Sure thing, FL. Oh btw nice hat."
Fearless Leader growled to himself. "Okay. Well, I have this meeting
to attend. Later soldiers." With that Fearless Leader left the room.
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner looked to see if he was completely gone. And
then he picked up the cigarette off the floor and starting puffing it
again. "Okay, Champ. Strip."
"Um... all my clothes?" Pulls Paper out of Hats Boy said with a little
"Are you sure?"
"Who's the doctor here? Now strip!" Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner began to
put on his rubber gloves.
Fearless Leader looked down into his bowl of alphabet soup at the
swimming letters. So far this day had been an utter disaster. Someone
had nailed all of Ultimate Ninja's furniture (well -- now it was his.
At least for the month.) to the ceiling. The LNH phone lines were being
swamped with prank calls. People were leaving burning bags of poop by
the door, ringing the bell, and then quickly leaving. All the glassware
had been replace by dribble glasses. 'Kick Me' signs were appearing on
almost everyone's back. And someone had put a whole bottle of Tabasco
Sauce into his soup.
Had other April Fool's Days been this bad? He tried to remember. Maybe
he had lucked out and had been absent for all those past ones. Of
course he couldn't imagine the Ultimate Ninja putting up with this.
Heads would have rolled and hearts would have been pulled out of
people's chests. No. This wouldn't have happened on the ninja's watch.
Perhaps everyone was seeing how much they could get away with now that
the ninja was gone. He would have to start disciplining people. Make
them do push-ups or something. He needed to make these people know who
was in charge. He took a sip of his soup. Ouch! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Fearless Leader sighed and took a big gulp of ice cold water, which
dribbled all over his shirt.
"Hi, Fearless Leader! Cute coconuts," spoke a very sultry feminine
Fearless Leader looked up from his lunch. It was the sexiest woman he
had ever seen. Even with the fake arrow wig over her head and the
strange glasses that had dangling eyeballs, these items couldn't hide
the smoldering volcano of hotness that was her body. The various rips
of what little else she was wearing told him who he was looking at.
"Mind if I sit here? This table seems rather empty."
"No. Go ahead -- if you want," Fearless Leader tried to respond in a
Ripping Dancer put down her tray of food. "This has been a crazy day
hasn't it? Are all April Fool's Days like this?"
Fearless Leader shrugged his head. "As far as I know this one's been
"Still it's fun -- in its way. Right? It beats all the angst and
seriousness that usually hovers around this place."
"I suppose so. I could live with a little less silliness myself."
"You like to eat alone. Don't you?"
Fearless Leader hesitated a bit before he answered. "No. I -- I don't
like to eat alone. It's just the way it is. It's just hard to -- to --
I don't know how to put it."
"I think I understand. It's hard to make a connection here. It's hard
to relate with people. Everyone's got their baggage -- their own
personal drama and life tragedies. You've got people here who can make
a connection -- who've got their cliches and groups where they can
belong. But sometimes you don't have any of that. I know what that's
like. I've got tons of guys who would love to do all kinds of things to
me -- but a friend -- someone I can talk to -- about life and stuff. I
just can't seem to make that connection. You're not alone Fearless Leader."
"Maybe. It doesn't bother me. It's just life. I can't talk about my
"Why not? It's okay. You know. I've got an idea. We could go out for
coffee sometime. Just the two of us. And just talk. Are you interested?"
Fearless Leader looked over at another table. People seemed to staring
at him. Laughing at him. Laughing. And laughing. "Oh, I get it.
This is a prank, right? That's what it is. Of course -- a joke. You
guys are really hilarious. What do you have planned next?"
"I -- uh..." Ripping Dancers face had a very pained and flustered
expression on it. "I -- wasn't -- wasn't... I'm sorry. I'll leave." A
shaken Ripping Dancer stood up quickly and started to walk away.
Christ, what are you doing? Stop her -- you idiot, Fearless Leader
thought to himself. "Wait! Was -- That was real. That was a real
offer, wasn't it? Please. Sit. Sit down. I'm -- I'm sorry -- This
day's been hell. I'm having a hard time -- knowing what and what isn't
a gag today. You're beautiful and -- please..."
Ripping Dancer looked back at him. And then she walked back. And she
sat back down. "It's okay." She lightly touched Fearless Leader's hand
with her hand. "Coffee."
Ripping Dancer nodded. "Coffee."
"Sure." Ripping Dancer smiled.
"Just friends having some coffee."
"Yeah. No big deal."
"Okay." They sort of paused and just looked at each other. And then
Ripping Dancer told Fearless Leader she had to leave and waved bye. And
Fearless Leader waved bye back.
Coffee. A smile broke out of Fearless Leader's face. Well, this day
might not be so horrible.
Fearless Leader sat down Indian style on the ground encircled by a stack
of folders and papers. He briefly looked up towards the ceiling. His
desk and chair were still nailed up there. Where was Domestic Lad when
you really needed him?
His train of thought was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Come in!"
Someone wearing a Marilyn Monroe style blonde wig, black leather
lingerie, and high heels walked into the room. A familiar looking face.
"Irony Man? Toony? Toony Stork?"
"Yeah," Irony Man said with a smidgen of embarrassment. "That would be
me. Like my new get up? It was Vincent's idea."
Fearless Leader chuckled to himself.
"Ah. The things we do to save the world, eh?"
"Yeah. Amazing the world's still is one piece."
Irony Man laughed. "So how are you liking your first day on the job?"
Fearless Leader pointed to the ceiling. "Oh, it's been just one raging
headache after another."
Irony Man nodded. "It's amazing the ninja managed to last as long as he
did. And amazing he didn't take a vacation sooner."
"Yeah, well... So how is this Death Whoopee Cushion situation shaping
up? Has any progress been made?"
Irony Man shook his head. "Other than ramping up some additional
silliness, we still can't figure out how to disarm it. And we think the
first team we sent to alt.shenanigans might be being held prisoner. We
might have to send a second team to rescue the first team."
"Wonderful." Fearless Leader crumpled a piece of paper he had in his hand.
"You know, Felix -- Mind if I call you Felix? This whole leadership
situation might last longer than a month. I think the ninja has slowly
been cracking ever since that whole Killfile stuff last year. I think
change is coming. And we've got to prepare for that change."
"Meaning someone else is going to have to take the reigns, to steer the
LNH into the new millennium. Now, me -- I don't really want the job. I
mean I've got the experience and seniority -- and the money -- but it's
a tough job. But we do need some one who understands this new world we
"And how exactly does that go?"
Irony Man walked over to the window and briefly opened the blinds before
shutting them. "Well, take the LNH Registration Act. Now everyone in
the LNH hates it, but -- you see the public wants it to happen. It's
going to happen. We can't stop it from happening. We need a leader who
understands that. We need a leader who can play ball with the
government. Who can make the LNH Registration Act work for us instead
of against us."
"We need to play ball with people like your good buddy Hex Luthor -- is
that what you're saying?"
"Ah, Hex -- Hex is a complex man. He understands things. He
understands the world. He understands that the world needs an LNH. It
doesn't benefit him if the LNH is outlawed."
"Hex wants to see us as his own personal army or in concentration camps."
"That's harsh. You just need to spend time with him. Talk to him. The
LNH Registration Act is going to happen. Are you going to lead us off
the cliff? Or are you going to realize sometimes in this world you have
to make deals with people you don't like? Sometimes principles get in
the way of progress."
"You know Toony? You're starting to sound awfully like a supervillain."
Irony Man laughed. "There you go. Thinking in black and white terms.
It's a complex world. Well. I've got to go. Been nice talking to you.
Hope you can survive the month."
With that Irony Man straightened up his blonde wig and leather lingerie
and made his way out of Fearless Leader's office.
Fearless Leader straightened his Carmen Miranda fruit hat and coconut
bra. That had to be the most absurd conversation he had ever had.
Fearless Leader looked at his watch and yawned to himself.
Self-Righteous Preacher was still trying to save the Whoopee Cushion of
Death's soul. And Dr. Stomper was still wearing a gorilla suit.
"Well, Doctor? Am I ever going to be able to take off this fruit hat?"
"In about five more minutes -- you see I think this bomb only functions
on April Fool's Day. So at midnight the bomb should turn itself off --
assuming I'm right we'll only have to worry about this every April
"Well, it damn well better be fixed by next April Fool's Day. *Sigh*
Lord, I'm beat. I'm going to go to my room and catch a few winks. Talk
to you in the morning, Doctor."
Fearless Leader walked back to his room.
As he opened the door, he thought about how good it would be to just
slip into the covers and go into a complete coma. To put his head on
his pillow and forget about the whole day. Sleep and sleep and sleep.
He clicked on his light switch and looked into his room. Of course. Of
course. Fearless Leader looked at his bed. Hanging from the ceiling.
Fearless Leader sighed. Heads were going to roll tomorrow. He looked
to the floor and saw that someone had left a card. He went over and
picked the card off the floor.
'Dear Fearless Leader,
Hope you enjoyed your first day.
The fun has just begun.
Your ever loving Legionnaires in the LNH'
A little smile broke from Fearless Leader's face. Oh well, at least it
was midnight. He could finally take off this stupid hat and coconut bra.
But fate, alas, had other plans for Fearless Leader. And Fearless
Leader vanished right as the clock hit midnight. Fruit hat, coconut
bra, and the rest of him.
To be continued...
Some of DJ Dr. Flipseid's dialogue was acquired from Stranger Tales #6
by Dave Van Domelen
Fearless Leader is Dave Van Domelen's
Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner is Peter "Tick" Milan's
Irony Man is Doug Moran's
Contraption Man is Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
Self-Righteous Preacher is Raymond "wReam" Bingham's
Arthur "April Fool" Spitzer
Next Week: More leaders! More disappearing -- Part II!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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