LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #124: LNH vII #19-20
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Oct 20 14:12:25 PDT 2019
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the nineteenth and twentieth issues of LNH volume II.
Okay, these are the last two issues in the archive since Russ stopped
updating the archive in 2006 -- so I guess I'll have to start getting
these from google groups or something.
#19 and #20 are written by Martin Phipps. These focus on Irony Man
who in these issues becomes more like the Marvel Civil War version
of Iron Man (and I suppose that's why the first of these is called
Silly War). You can see these as a bit of a prelude for the Infinity
April-Beige Eventitis that's about to come -- as Irony Man and Hex
Luthor begin to be linked together.
And now..
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #124
=====================
LNH vII 19-20
=====================
From: Martin Phipps <martinphipps2 at yahoo.com>
Subject: LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes vol 2. #19: Silly War
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2006 22:18:57 -0700 (PDT)
"I'm here to speak to whoever is in charge."
Fred looked at the short man with glasses wearing a
business suit. "I'm sorry but they're all in a
meeting."
"Perfect," he said, "I can speak to them all at
once."
"Um... I wouldn't go in there if I were you."
"Don't worry. I'm here as an official
representative of the Loonited States government. I
am here under the direct authority of the President of
the Loonited States!"
Fred cringed. "I was afraid of that. You see, if I
am not mistaken, I do believe Ultimate Ninja voted
Democrat in the last election."
LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes vol 2. #18:
Silly War
"So, as you can see, the net effect of all this
nonsense is that there is now only one of me and I do,
in fact, have two hands." Ultimate Ninja showed his
hands off to everybody in the Central Control Centre.
"Excuse me!"
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" the Ninja
asked as he grabbed hold of his Ginsu Katana Blade.
"My name is Gary O'Henry and I'm here as a
representative of the Loonited States government. I
am here under the direct authority of the President!"
Irony Man got up to shake his hand. "Welcome to LNH
HQ, Mr. O'Henry! I am a firm supporter of your
administration! I'm sure we'd all be pleased to
assist you in any way! Just let us know what it is
that you want us to do!"
Catalyst Lass sighed. "Do you realise that you are
behaving exactly the way that your counterpart in the
Marvel Universe is currently being portrayed?"
"Yes, of course," Irony Man said. "I can emit irony
as well as detect it."
"Not all of us feel the same way Irony Man does,"
Fearless Leader said. "But I'm sure we are all
willing to listen to what you have to say."
"Alright," Gary O'Henry said. "We've been
monitoring the LNH through it's website eyrie.org/LNH
and we've noticed that the roster is years out of
date."
"You've been monitoring us?" Paranoid Lad asked.
"The government has been monitoring us?"
"We would like you to bring the roster up to date.
Specifically, we would ask that each of you who has
not already done so to write up a roster entry for
yourselves detailing your real names and what you can
do."
"You want to know our real names?" Paranoid Lad
asked.
"Yes."
"You want to know what we can do?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
O'Henry shrugged his shoulders. "We just need the
information for our records."
"You want the information so you can spy on us! You
want the information so you can control us!"
Irony Man stood up. "Paranoid Lad! Control
yourself!"
"The government wants to take us over! They're
going to use us to invade I.ram!"
Irony Man proceeded to beat the snot out of Paranoid
Lad, thus providing the required fight scene for this
issue.
"I apologize for this incident, Mr. O'Henry," Irony
Man said.
"Ow," Paranoid Lad said.
"You are really asking quite a lot," Ultimate Ninja
said.
"Why is that?"
"The LNH member in charge of keeping the roster up
to date, Master Roster Man, he's been missing for
sometime and we don't know how to contact him."
"Of course, if we did know how to contact him then
he wouldn't be missing," Irony Man pointed out.
"Sorry."
"And with new members like Paranoid Lad constantly
popping up from out of nowhere, it would be a
humongous task trying to update the roster."
"So what do you suggest?" O'Henry asked.
"You are welcome go go around LNH HQ, speak to LNH
members and try to get the information yourself."
O'Henry considered the idea. "I don't really have
time today. I will have to report back to my
superiors in order to determine if this is an
acceptable solution."
"I'm sorry we couldn't be more help."
"No, that's alright," O'Henry said, "I appreciate
you all taking the time to speak with me." He left.
Deja Dude frowned. "Is that it? Is that the entire
issue? Some thinly veiled political commentary and
one fight scene? That's it?"
"We could always bring Master Blaster down here and
the two of you could talk about movies," Sarcastic Lad
suggested.
"Um, no, that's okay. This is probably enough for
one issue," Deja Dude said. "Or maybe Tom Russell can
add on one of those Untold Tales of Pants Rabbit Lad
stories. Assuming he has time, that is."
THE END
Irony Man created by Doug Moran
Ultimate Ninja created by wReam
Fearless Leader created by Dave Van Domelan
Catalyst Lass created by Elizabeth Riba
Sarcastic Lad created by Gary St. Lawrence
Fred created by Hubert Bartles
Gary O'Henry, Deja Dude, Master Blaster and Paranoid
Lad created by me
Martin Phipps
From: Martin Phipps <martinphipps2 at yahoo.com>
Subject: LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes Vol 2 #20: Quit Cloning Around
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2006 05:52:46 -0700 (PDT)
Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2
Quit Cloning Around
"The Senate elections are coming up," Irony Man
said.
"So they are," Doctor Stomper said.
"We need to do something to campaign for the
Republicans."
"What do you mean 'we'. I plan to vote for the
Democratic Party."
"Oh that's right." There was a hint of disapproval
in Irony Man's voice. "What about Kid Kirby?"
"What about him?"
"Is he a republican or a democrat?"
"I think he considers himself above Earthy
politics."
"Really? That's too bad. He'd be a great spokesman
for the republicans. I mean people would regard him
as somebody impartial."
"I hate to be semantic about this but, technically,
if Kid Kirby were to come out in favour of either
party then he would no longer be impartial."
"True. Say... have you even seen Kid Kirby lately?"
"No. I imagine he's off world busying himself with
some cosmic adventure."
"No doubt. Hmm. I wonder."
"What?"
"If we were to clone Kid Kirby, would the clone have
all of Kid Kirby's powers?"
"I imagine that he would have all of Kid Kirby's
strength but he wouldn't have any of Kid Kirby's
knowledge so he wouldn't be able to operate any of Kid
Kirby's Kirbytech."
"No, I suppose not. Although, for our purposes all
we would need is someone who looks like Kid Kirby."
"What are you talking about?"
"Okay, confession time: I saved a strand of hair
from way back when Kid Kirby first joined the LNH just
in case one day we had to clone him."
"Clone him? Why would we want to clone him? And
how did you get a strand of his hair anyway? He wears
a helmet."
"Oh I have my ways," Irony Man said cryptically.
"So what do you think? Can we do it?"
"I don't know. Is it morally right to clone Kid
Kirby and then use him to support a cause he might not
necessarily agree with."
"Who cares about whether it's morally right? I'm
asking if we can do it."
"Are you saying morality isn't even an issue?"
"Okay so I'm an @$$hole. Can we do it?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"Well then. Consider it a challenge. A scientific
endeavour. You make the clone and I'll build a suit
of armour for him."
"Hmm."
Weeks later...
"Toony... meet Kid Kirby!"
"Verily it is my hope that you will vote
republican!"
"He's perfect!"
Still later, at an outdoor news conference...
"We need to support the war in Iraq!" the Kid Kirby
clone proclaimed. "Down with abortion and same sex
marriage! Democrats will tax us to death! We need to
do something about global warming!"
"Global warming?" Irony Man looked at Doctor
Stomper. "You programmed him to speak out about
global warming?"
"It's an important issue."
"The Luthor administration is in favour of global
warming. President Luthor wants to be able to go to
the beach on the weekends and still be in Washington
if there's an emergency."
"Yeah, well, I'm sorry but my conscience couldn't
allow me to have him actually speak out in favour of
global warming."
Irony Man was appalled. "Vincent, if you're going
to be working with the republicans, you need to stop
listening to your conscience."
Then, suddenly...
"What devilry is this?" the real Kid Kirby said as
he flew down from the sky. "Is one of my Kirbybots?
Why is he campaigning for the republican party?!"
"Kid Kirby!" Irony Man said. "Wow! Are we glad to
see you! We though you were dead?"
"Dead? In Kirby's name, why would you think that?
I have been gone longer on similar quests!"
"Yeah, okay, but this was an emergency. Um. You
see, the republicans are low in the polls and..."
"How did you manage to reprogram one of my Kirbybots
to use as a campaign spokesman."
"Actually, he's not a Kirbybot. He's a clone."
"A CLONE! IN KIRBY'S NAME, WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASED
UPON THE WORLD!"
"Wow. You make it sound as though we did something
wrong. I mean, if one Kid Kirby is good then aren't
two better?"
"YOU HAVE PLACED THE RAW POWER OF KID KIRBY IN A
SHELL WITHOUT A SOUL!"
"Hey! How do you know he has no soul!"
"Because he's a republican."
"Okay."
"I MUST PUT AN END TO THIS!" Kid Kirby addressed
his clone. "YOU THERE! IMPOSTER! I ORDER YOU TO
CEASE AND DESIST!"
"What?" the Kid Kirby clone asked. "Perhaps you are
the imposter! How do I know you aren't a Kirbybot!"
"I AM THE ONE TRUE KID KIRBY AND YOU ARE THE
IMPOSTER!"
"Prove it! I challenge you to combat! We shall see
who is the real Kid KIrby!"
And so they started fighting. Now, normally, Kid
Kirby would easily best his unskilled clone but he had
just returned from space and was tired. Plus, the
armour designed and built by Irony Man for the Kid
Kirby clone was state of the art.
"Oh my God!" Doctor Stomper said. "The Kid Kirby
clone is going to kill Kid Kirby. We should do
something."
"Okay," Irony Man said. He activated the loud
speaker on his hard suit. "HEY! GUYS! THAT'S
ENOUGH! STOP FIGHTING!" But the two Kid Kirbies
continued fighting. "Oh well. I did all I could do."
"Are you serious?" Doctor Stomper asked. "If Kid
Kirby is killed then we'll be responsible."
Iron Man rolled his eyes. "Oh for heaven's sake!
There you go again listening to your conscience and
worrying about morality!"
Fortunately, as it turned out, Doctor Stomper
needn't have worried, for although the real Kid Kirby
had been tired he possessed the strength will to come
out of the battle victorious.
"VERILY! I HAVE WON!" he declared. "AND AS FOR
YOU...!" Kid Kirby said, pointing to Irony Man, "don't
ever do this again."
"Okay," Irony Man said, "I promise... but, say, are
you going to be around in 2008? Because the
republican campaign could really use your sup--"
Before Irony Man could finish, Kid Kirby struck him
with a lightning bolt that overloaded his hard suit
and caused it to shut down, freezing him motionless
while he waited for it to reboot.
"I'll take that as a 'no'," he said.
THE END
Irony Man created by Doug Moran
Doctor Stomper created by T M Neeck
Kid Kirby created by Jameel Al Khavitz
Martin
==========
Next Week: Is it time for the Ultimate Ninja to take a vacation?!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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