LNH20: Writer's Block Person #45: "Black RX Friday*Story War 2019: Symphony of the Overcast Afternoon"
pwerdna at gmail.com
Fri Nov 29 15:19:22 PST 2019
Writer's Block Person and Whisperion are out shopping on Black Friday!
"No we're not."
"Yeah, that doesn't sound like us at all."
"I swore off shopping all this week."
Writer's Block Person and Whisperion are taking a nice walk thru the park on
Black Friday! Crunching thru the leaves, moving their muscles, and disconnecting
from the capitalist hubbub!
"I want to sit down and reconnect, tho," grumbled Writer's Block Person, zipping
up their coat a bit higher.
"You gotta keep up your momentum in the fight against seasonal depression, yo,"
said Whisperion, using her staff as a walking stick. "Keep active and keep
going. Besides, we need to walk at least twenty-five kilometers this week if we
want to hatch all those eggs before the Hackemon GO event ends."
"Oooooh, this one's a shiny Bulbas.org... hm?" They looked up. A bit further up
the trail, there was a man sitting on a bench. He seemed to be wearing an old
gray hoodie, with the hood up, blue jeans and muddy sneakers; but over that, a
sleek, expensive-looking tailcoat, elegantly tailored with a tapered waist and
gold buttons, the tails dragging in the mud. His eyes weren't visible, but by
the bits of chin and mouth they could see, he was unshaven and pale.
But what had really gotten their attention was that Writer's Block Person's
queerplatonic partner, Gives Hugs Impetuously Lass, AKA Amethyst "Amy" Allenby,
was stepping up next to him. "Pardon me, sir?"
"...yes?" His voice was hoarse, heavy, tired; a voice that had once shouted in
triumph, but was laden down into the lower octaves by the weight of the world.
She bounced in place in her big puffy purple coat. "Sorry if this is too
forward, but you really look like you need a hug!"
The edges of the man's mouth curved up, against the weight of his woes. "Thank
you... but I don't deserve one." His head rose, and he looked at Writer's Block
Person - eyes glowing green! "Not until I do penance for my sins."
"Uh," said Writer's Block Person, taking a step back.
"Ominous AF," murmured Whisperion, planting her staff in front of her, drawing
on the strength of the earth.
The man swept his coat back, revealing an ornate golden belt buckle, with a
section of ivory piano keys that were missing their middle C. Out of his pocket,
without taking his eyes off Writer's Block Person, he pulled a red key with the
word "Classic" written on it in gold, in a swooping, curving font. He slotted it
into middle C, and played a few notes - the "dun dun dun duuuun" from
A deep, bombastic voice echoed thru the park's hills and valleys. "Music!
Usenet! Heroes by the score! Burst Beetle Classical!"
Sheet music staves in scintillating red light swirled around the man's body,
wrapping him in a cocoon of glowing music. As soon as it had surrounded him, the
cocoon burst, revealing deep red armor, long black gloves and boots, and a
shimmering version of the same tailcoat, whose material seemed to move with
extra, armored weight, and whose arms and legs featured deep red sheet music
staves. The eyes of his helmet were quarter-notes, stems crossed to form a V on
his forehead, and flowing over the top of his head and down the back was a wig
of wild white hair a la Beethoven.
"...I still stand by my statement of hug-needing," said Amy, crossing her arms.
"Burst Beetle Classical!" said Writer's Block Person, taking another step back
in shock. "I remember him! He was active a couple years ago, fighting the
"Oh, yeah..." said Whisperion, brow knitting. "There were a lot of toys, right?"
"Yeah, he licensed his image a lot. Toys, games, suchlike... I've got the
Original Adventure Sountrack they put out, it's got a lot of good stuff."
Writer's Block Person squeezed their fist. "But he disappeared after a while. I
heard he defeated the boss of the Phantoms... wonder what he's been up to?"
The opening of Mozart's Symphony No. 40 in G Minor played as Burst Beetle
Classical cracked his knuckles. "Listen to the division of the violas," he
murmured, lifting his arm. His finger snapped to point at Writer's Block Person
as he shouted, "Their dark harmony shouts at you to repent!"
"Getting mad at you, looks like!" Whisperion lifted her staff off the ground,
brought it up in a defensive position. "Might wanna transform!"
"Oh, right! HENSHINSPIRATION!" In a burst of sparkles, Writer's Block Person
snapped into their default heroic form. "Lemme step in front, I should talk to him!"
"His eyes are still glowing!" called Amy, waving. "Do the hearty thing!"
"Yeah, precautions first, unlike the last seven times," snarked Whisperion,
still in position.
"Eighth time's the charm! EMOTICONVERSION! CODE POINT HEAVY BLACK HEART!" A
giant CGI heart appeared in front of Writer's Block Person, slamming into them
and shifting their form into the one with the big heart-shaped gem on the chest,
able to dispel dark magic and mental control.
"That's it..." murmured Burst Beetle Classical, glowing green eyes watching the
updated transformation. "The sins of past generations... greater and heavier
than ever! How dare you follow in my footsteps!" He took a deep breath and
bellowed, "How *dare* you!"
"Hey--" Writer's Block Person held their hands up in the air and pushed words
out of their mouth as quickly as they could.
But another key was already in Burst Beetle Classical's hand, a black key with a
red, white and blue sword on it. He slammed it into place, playing a few notes
of a funk beat based on 1980s action-drama TV soundtracks.
The belt announced in its deep, sonorous voice, "Badass! Kick ass! Number one!
Ultimate Ninja, fight on all!" A whirl of glowing cloth burst from the belt,
becoming a bright orange tailcoat with black music staves. It flew around Burst
Beetle Classical and dove into him from behind, replacing his coat in a burst of
light, a red, white and blue headband forming around his helmet with the
characters for "shinobi" embroidered in black.
Burst Beetle Classical pulled a katana out and held it horizontally, announcing,
"Ninja arts! Hidden motion!" before disappearing in a blur.
"...beat me up." Writer's Block Person sighed. "I mean. It'll work someday."
"Where did he go?" Whisperion spun around, staff at the ready, no idea where to
"Quick, Drew, switch to a combat-y form!" yelled Amy, waving her hand.
"Well, there's Skull With Cool Sunglasses, but I'm not really *angry* right now,
just confu--" KCHAM! A sword slashed across WBP's back, and they shouted, sparks
rising up, and fell forward! Burst Beetle Classical stood behind them, katana
ready for another strike!
"There!" Whisperion leapt forward, and brought down her staff!
"Ninja arts! Substitution!" When the staff connected, a burst of smoke flew up -
and when the smoke cleared, the figure in front of Whisperion was nothing but a log!
"...waitasec!" Amy extended her somebody-needs-a-hug senses to the fullest!
"THERE!" She leapt and wrapped a seemingly ordinary forest log in her arms - and
in a poof, said log transformed into a be-huggled Burst Beetle Classical, trying
to squirm away but slowed down by his own need for human contact!
"A-*hah*!" Writer's Block Person pushed themself upright and spread their arms!
A corcusating beam of energy blasted from their gem, pink hearts slamming into
Burst Beetle Classical - and bouncing off!
Amy strained, eyes shut tight in concentration. "I can feel at... the energy of
connection is being deflected... by his own guilt!!"
The glow in Burst Beetle Classical's eyes flared, and a wave of green energy,
well, *burst* from his body, throwing Amy, WBP, and Whisperion back. The
Ultimate Ninja key floated up out of his belt, orange tailcoat dissolving into
black, and he contemptuously grabbed it out of the air.
With his other hand, Burst Beetle Classical pulled out a black key with an
LCD-green edge, with the letters "ESC" written at the top in the same color. He
slammed it into place and played the first few notes of Burly Brawl.
"Caffeine! Keyboards! Hack the planet!" announced the belt. "You're the ultimate
Renegade Programmer!" A black tailcoat covered in flowing patterns of bright
green musical notes flew out of the belt and flew around, merging with him in
another burst of light, and a glowing green beard grew out of the chin of his
"For the luvva..." Whisperion pulled herself up on her staff, giving Writer's
Block Person a hand up.
She sent healing, empowering energy into their body, and they shook themself
out. "Never good at these multi-stage RPG bosses," they said, getting into a
"That's why you need to level up your healer," Whisperion grinned, wiggling her
"Was that innuendo, or--"
Burst Beetle Classical thrust his hands into the air, and glowing holographic
keyboards appeared in front of them. "Moby hack!" he shouted. "Fork bomb!"
"--oh right the fighting"
Glowing green forks appeared in the air, zooming forward before stopping and
exploding into twice as many forks, which zoomed and exploded into twice more,
creating a Touhou-esque pattern that sent Writer's Block Person and Whisperion
dodging. Whisperion spun her staff, knocking forks out of the air, and--
"Wait, wait!" shouted Amy. "Hang on a sec!" She pointed to a happy couple,
walking thru the late-autumn leaves with a bouncing, joyful puppy.
The forks froze in midair, as did the net.heroes. The puppy barked and scampered
around their ankles until the couple gently tugged him away. "Thank you!" they
"Do not mention it," rumbled Burst Beetle Classical. Then the forks burst back
Writer's Block Person and Whisperion rolled to the sides, dodging and darting,
making their way thru the field of forks. They were almost there when Burst
Beetle Classical slammed his hands dramatically down on the keyboards, producing
a sonorous piano chord. "Moby hack!" he proclaimed. "Magic smoke!" A mouth
opened on his helmet, and glowing green smoke poured out, wrapping around the
two net.heroes, holding them tight despite their struggles!
Burst Beetle Classical stepped forward, smoke swirling around, deadly intent
focused on the two of them--
--which left him open to a hug from Amy! As her compassionate touch took hold,
his deadly intent dissipated along with the smoke!
Writer's Block Person said "Right!" Whisperion put a hand on their back, pouring
energy into them, and their heart-beam blasted out, enwrapping Burst Beetle
Classical with charged-up love energy, hearts bouncing off but digging into his
emotional walls nonetheless!
"Sir!" shouted Amy, holding Burst Beetle Classical tight. "Please, what's wrong?
We want to help!"
He struggled, eyes flaring... but a deep, sad voice boomed out from behind his
helmet... "My mission was one of justice, of stopping the powers that sought to
bring back the great empires of the past! But I gave in to the great empires of
the present when I sold my image!" His voice raised in anger. "On this, this--"
Venom and loathing coated his tongue! "This *shopping holiday*, parents buy
their children mass-produced toys of me, games, roleplay accessories - and lock
them into a toxic symbiosis with great corporations who do not truly care about
them, who will make toys simply to push dopamine buttons for dollars!" Smoky
green energy seemed to swirl around him, nearly obscuring his form as a violent
hum rose in the background.
"Sugar honey iced tea!" swore (?) Amy, flinching back, still trying to hold
tight. "His rage is *boiling*!"
"Okay," said Writer's Block Person, squinting over the brightness of their beam,
"but why are you attacking me!?"
Burst Beetle Classical snarled. "You, who gladly took on the mantle of
'toyetic'! You, who recycle all those little tricks that the corporations use,
the flash and bang that takes over young brains!"
"*Criminy*!" Amy leapt back, rubbing her arms.
"You took this on knowing... YOU ARE MY ENEMY!" A huge glowing column of green
light burst out of Burst Beetle Classical, shooting up into the sky.
When it faded, he was floating in the air, his original outfit rimmed with
crackling green flames, head down, limbs hanging like a marionette. Fifteen or
so keys floated in the air in a circle around his body, and one by one, each of
them zoomed into the belt, hitting it with a green flash, the flames leaping
higher with each one. When they had all zoomed in and Burst Beetle Classical's
body was consumed by the flames, the belt's voice boomed out again, but
crackling and warped. "Classically corrupted! Classically chaos!"
The flames grew into a ball of fire twice the size of his body before bursting.
When Burst Beetle Classical's form was revealed, he was standing up perfectly
straight, toes pointed downwards. The tails of his black coat were enormous,
barely above the ground despite his toetips being above Writer's Block Person's
head. His armor was covered in Cover Gallery covers, but they seemed to flicker
and glitch constantly. There was an exaggeratedly long conductor's baton in his
hand, a flickering green flame at the tip. His wig was a constantly burning
green flame, and sitting in the V on his forehead was a portrait of the planet
Neme.sys. The belt finished, "Size Of The Entire Death Universe Man!"
"Holy crap!" said Writer's Block Person.
"Oh *no*..." muttered whisperion.
Amy sighed and shook her head. "Rassum frackum emotional armor..." She pulled
out her cell phone and started dialing.
"Legion Death Together!" Burst Beetle Classical swung his baton in the air
dramatically before bringing it down. "Peril Room Test of Doom!" A circle of
glowing green katanas appeared around him, slicing and spinning towards our heroes!
"For *pete*'s sake!" Whisperion spun her staff, knocking three away at once,
dodging and rolling! "I sure hope you're feeling sufficiently active and
connected right now, Drew!"
"Are you kiddin', we're missing a raid!" Writer's Block Person grinned and
released a beam of pink light, shattering the swords made of negative energy!
"But I don't feel depressed!"
"YOU DARE PLAY GAMES WITH MY RAGE!?" The swords froze in midair, every single
one of them converging on Writer's Block Person!
"HECK!!" They tried to spin and dodge, but blades of anger cut across their
armor, raising sparks and plumes of smoke! They spun and fell!
"Crap!" Whisperion ran over to Writer's Block Person's prone, smoking form,
standing over them with her staff raised. "Are you okay?"
"well..." Writer's Block Person coughed. "not the best..."
Burst Beetle Classical let out a deep, rich, bitter chuckle, like a bar of
single-source dark chocolate. "And now... the coda of your corruptive movement."
He raised the flaming end of his baton in the air. "Legion Death Together!
There was a dramatic viola cord, and out of the ground around Writer's Block
Person and Whisperion, ghosts rose up; the glowing, green, glitching ghosts of
nameless net.heroes, who had never appeared in any roster, whose origins had
been lost to time, disappearing in the entropic deaths of ancient newsgroups!
The faded figures positioned themselves, as if in the middle of a jumping kick,
soles positioned to strike Writer's Block Person and Whisperion full force!
Burst Beetle Classical readied his baton, readied to bring it down and send the
colossal contingent of confabulated net.heroes crashing down on them!
Burst Beetle Classical turned towards the cliff overlooking the battle. There -
a movie screen with big speakers on either side, and a digital projector playing
a video - a video of - toys!
On the screen was an action figure of Burst Beetle Classical, shot from close-up
on what was clearly a phone propped up on something. Next to it was a figure of
Burst Beetle Galant, his former partner in heroism. Two hands held rubber
dinosaurs, which crashed into the action figures, knocking them down.
"Boom!" said a young, feminine voice from above. "Bam! Oh no!" The hands put
down the dinosaurs and wiggled Classical back and forth. "We've been defeated by
the defeatasaurs! If only someone could help us!"
"*I* can do it!" said the same voice but trying to sound deep and dramatic. A
hand came in holding a fashion doll but with pieces of purple armor and a cape
stuck on with scotch tape, plus a wide-brimmed red fedora; she had a lazer gun
taped to one hand and a magic wand taped to the other.
"Miss Ultra Ultimate!" wiggled the Galant figure. "You've come to save us!"
"That's right! Ultimaaaaaate... kiiiiick!" The fashion doll's legs smacked into
the dinosaurs, which topped to the sides after a couple smacks.
The hands stood the Burst Beetles back up. "Wow!" said the Classical figure,
bouncing up and down. "You're so beautiful, brave and smart~!"
"Nothing to it, citizen! Let's go save the city... *together*!" Miss Ultra
Ultimate and the Burst Beetles bounced offscreen, and a face lowered into frame,
young and enthusiastic, a girl framed by floofy ringlets. "Tune in next time for
the further adventures of Miss Ultra Ultimate and friends!" A hand came around,
fumbling a moment, and the screen went blank.
Burst Beetle Classical stared at the screen. In the background, the phantom
net.heroes dissolved into wisps of emerald fog. "Is..." He shook his head,
tossing his baton to the side, running his fingers thru his flaming wig. "I'm
sorry, but is this supposed to *change* my mind? This--" He gestured at the
screen, hand out, trying to banish it. "This girl's been, been taken in, just
like everyone else!"
"hey can you... yeah thanks..." Whisperion helped Writer's Block Person to their
feet, and they clambered up on top of a handy boulder, gesturing grandly so
their cape flapped out in the air. "If you think the dreams of children don't
matter..." They pointed an accusing finger at Burst Beetle Classical. "Then
*you're* the one who's been taken in!"
"What!?" Classical fell to the ground, stumbling in a defensive position, head
whipping back and forth, body language shaken.
"psst here you go," whispered Writer's Block Person to Whisperion.
"Oh! Right, yeah!" She stood up straight, planting the butt of her staff in the
ground and pointing at Burst Beetle Classical. "Fun and play, emotion and
investment - these are things created by people, not corporations! And toys are
their tools to create it!"
Writer's Block Person raised their fists in the air, clenching dramatically. "We
who try to stand outside as the system as much as we can-- we walk in your
footsteps, so that we may connect your path to ours!"
"Jeez *finally*!" came a voice from above Burst Beetle Classical. He looked up,
and Amy was standing on the tree branches above him! She pointed down, straight
into his soul! "You were another source of labor, exploited by capitalism, and
your labor was and is wonderful silliness! *You are worth it*!!"
Burst Beetle Classical put his hands on his head. The green flames, on his wig,
on his costume, leapt high - then froze, glowing glass sculptures - then, in an
instant - shattered!
"FINALLY!" Writer's Block Person let loose their biggest blast of soulful energy
yet, red and pink hearts sparkling as they slammed into Burst Beetle Classical's
form! They hit a wall of green energy and pushed it back, peeling it away,
Classical no longer holding on-- inch by inch, pushing back-- then a POP!
Burst Beetle Classical fell to the ground, detransformed, and above him, a
green, crystalline sphere shimmered into existence!
"Something else?!" said Whisperion, raising her staff and pointing it at the sphere.
"That must be what was pumping that resentful energy into his body!" Amy ran
over to Burst Beetle Classical's prone form, pulling him into a protective hug.
"...fbwuh," said Classical, shaking his head. "what... *oh*." His head lolled
back as the memories struck him. "of course... when I felt my frustrations, my
anxieties, my scrupulous need to fix things leaping up, overpowering me... it
"Who?" said Writer's Block Person, in a defensive pose, gem steaming slightly in
the cold late-November air.
"Meeeee," rumbled a deep voice in a minor key. Out of the green globe, a form
made of emerald energy rose; a humanoid, with long, clawed fingers, winkled
skin, wearing an ornate outfit, with the sphere in the center of his chest. "The
last general of the Baroque Phantoms... General Rococonqueror!!"
"...*uuuuuugh*," said Writer's Block Person, crossing their arms. "Come *on*,
man. You're defeated! All your other dudes were defeated long ago! We've already
talked this guy down, you should see reason and join the side of kindness and
"Ha ha ha, *never*!" Green lightning sparkled from General Rococonqueror's
fingertips. "Fools, you have not stopped me from bringing about the resurrection
of Lord Trentula!"
"*Uuuuuuugh*!" shouted Writer's Block Person, stamping their foot. "That's so
Whisperion put her hand on Writer's Block Person's shoulder. "You know, you do
plenty of talk-people-to-a-good place stories. Just like toys are fun, it's also
okay to have a fun, combat-y ending sometimes too."
They sighed and smiled under their helmet. "I *guess*."
"I... agree!" Burst Beetle Classical took a deep breath and pushed himself to a
kneel, drawing strength from Amy's powerful embrace. "You've reminded me.. that
a man is more... than a miserable pile... of duties!" He pulled another key out
of his coat, this one bright green with a puppy joyously leaping along its
length. "Music is joy... and I'll bring joy... to the world!" He slammed the key
into middle C, and tapped out notes with deliberation.
Whisperion listened to the music and murmured, "Chest-nuts roasting on an open
Whirling cloth burst from the belt, a rich red tailcoat with fuzzy white trim
flying about and slamming into Burst Beetle Classical. When the light cleared,
Classical wore white armor with black spots, and black gloves and boots with
white spots. To the sides of his helmet were a pair of floppy, fuzzy ears. The
belt's sonorous voice announced, "Miracles! Magic! Ho-ho-ho! Caulflower the
Christmas Miracle Pooch, go!"
"And now..." Burst Beetle Classical spread his arms, and from his belt, three
globes of golden energy zoomed out, stopping in front of Whisperion, Amy, and
Writer's Block Person. "New toys for all!"
"Oh, thank you so much!" Amy spread her arms and wrapped them around the globe.
It flared with light, and when the light faded, Amy was wearing a rust-red dog
kigurumi, with a cute hood with floppy ears, and a comfy, cable-knit green
sweater with a pattern of pit maltadoodles jumping and playing on it. She wore a
pair of elbow-length padded huggling gloves, and a pair of chunky, toyetic red
"Huh, rad!" Whisperion touched her staff to the globe, and it flared. When the
light faded, Whisperion was wearing golden armor, trimmed in silver, with
heraldric dogs facing each other in green on her breastplate. Her cape had
become gold and silver, layers of feathers overlapping one another, and she wore
chunky, toyetic golden boots.
"Heck yeah, new transformation time!" The globe flew to the gem on Writer's
Block Person's chest and flared. When the light faded, the gem was shaped like
an evergreen tree. They wore green armor with a red bodysuit underneath (printed
with a pattern of Christmas lights), gold trim, and a pair of chunky, toyetic
"FOOLS!" General Rococonqueror pumped both fists, a spinning aura of green flame
manifesting around him. "That pathetic plinkerer's tinkly tricks won't work
anymore! I'm four times more powerful than you once knew me, Classical!"
"That sounds just about right, then!" Burst Beetle Classical pulled out his
baton and dramatically twirled its end. "Everybody! Compass formation!"
Amy drew back to the west of the monster, Whisperion to the east, Writer's Block
Person to the south. Burst Beetle Classical stood to the north, and raised his
baton high. All four pairs of boots began glowing with gold and silver sparks,
and their wearers began to float into the air.
"omg I've never flown before," murmured Amy, eyes sparkling.
"It's always amazing," said Whisperion, grinning from ear to ear.
"But this is gonna be even better!" said Writer's Block Person, posing in midair.
"Bah! AND BAH AGAIN!" General Rococonqueror shook his fists at Burst Beetle
Classical. "This fruitless joy you've found is meaningless! This toxic world--"
He reared back one of those fists, a fireball wrapping around it. "Will ever
overcome you!!" He whipped his fist forward, the fireball bursting out!
A tiny flick of his baton, and Burst Beetle Classical flicked the fireball away!
"Perhaps! But they've reminded me - the battle is worth fighting anyway!" He
raised both hands in the air, and each hero's left boot flared with gold and
silver light, as they floated up above General Rococonqueror! "Let's crescendo!!
Speak the words in your heart!"
In perfect sync, Amy, Whisperion, and Writer's Block Person shouted, "QUADRUPLE
Burst Beetle Classical brought his hands down! Each of their left feet sliced
thru the air, perfect jump kicks coming together in a pyrotechnic detonation of
When the light faded, they landed on the ground, one by one, in easy, relaxed
positions, facing away from the center. And inbetween them landed the green
crystal globe, steaming with energy.
"...*whew*," said Burst Beetle Classical, turning around and picking up the
globe. He took a silver quarter-note from his belt and touched it to the globe,
and little silver music staves wrapped around it, locking it up tight. "Thank
you. I had become lost, and... I lashed out, in what I thought was
righteousness, but was in fact thoughtless fear."
"We've all been there," said Writer's Block Person. "That's how we know how to
pull each other out." They extended a hand, and Burst Beetle Classical shook it.
"So, Amy," said Whisperion, "why were you out here in the first place?"
"Oh!" Amy pounded her fist into her hand. "That's right! There's a Hackemon Go
raid happening down at the other entrance to the park, in..." She looked at her
phone. "Seven minutes!"
"Oh crap!" Writer's Block Person detransformed and started running down the
lane. "C'mon, let's hurry!"
"Uh," said Burst Beetle Classical, following. "I don't know what that is."
"That's okay!" Amy took his hand and pulled him along. "Let's go have fun!"
And off they went, shining under the gray sky.
Drew "let's all have fun!!" Nilium
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