LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #129: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Five
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Nov 24 13:19:32 PST 2019
You can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for these stories that make up the fifth
section of Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig (or Crisis).
LNH Comics Presents #43 is by me, Arthur Spitzer. Finally! A true hero to take the
reigns of the LNH! To sweep away all the scum, perverts, and left-wing degenerates!
Yes, it's finally time for the Preacher! (The Self-Righteous Preacher not that Vertigo
sicko)! But can something so great last? Well, maybe the Time Crapper can help with that.
And LNHCP #44 is by Saxon "Swearing on a stack of Kurt Busiek comics!" Brenton. Who's next?
Ah, a hero that just wants you to hit him. No, harder than that. No, even harder! Come on
hit him!! Is that as hard as you can hit?! Hit him!! *Sigh* You're-Not-Hitting-Him-Hard-
Enough, Lad (or Lass (or Lad/Lass?) -- man this joke is not going well)!!! Anyways..
Onto the stories..
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Five
From: Arthur Spitzer <arsp... at earthlink.net>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #43: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode 8
Date: Sun, 8 Apr 2007 20:25:09 +0000 (UTC)
Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents #43
INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG
Look at the hourglass.
Watch the sand grains fall.
When you're young, you just want it to go faster and faster.
Then you get old and it's too fast. You want it to slow down. But not
completely down. Because when it stops that's when it all ends.
But eventually it ends. Everything ends.
Watch the sand fall.
Each grain is a lifetime. A year. A day. A second.
That grain over there? That's 1992. Look closely into it. An epic
battle is taking place. Continuity's Champion is battered and broken.
He struggles to get up and stop The Queen. He has the power to move
worlds. To move storylines. But the battle has worn him and it takes
everything for him to just stand up. And The Queen is towering over him
laughing. A power called the Crossover Gem pulsates in her hand flaring
like a million suns. She readies herself to deliver the deathblow. To
snuff out the life of this hero and begin her reign as Queen of the
Looniverse. A cruel reign that will last 16 years until an even greater
force wipes her out.
But it doesn't happen. Time bends. She is hit with a blast of pure
time. A cloaked figure wrestles her for control of the gem. The
cloaked figure starts to burn alive as the gem's power crackles through
his body. A button is pushed. And Reality is Flushed away.
The Queen loses. But there are no parades or statues for this cloaked
martyr who saved the Looniverse. No. The cloaked figure becomes a
splatter on the windshield of history. And nothing more.
That was the first time I died.
And that grain over there? It is today.
Within it I can see my enemies. The LNH. Two heroes by the name of
Sarcastic Lad and Master Blaster are making insipid banter about their
meaningless lives. A hero hands them some papers.
I grow tired of looking at them.
And what about this grain over here?
That? That is Tomorrow. And there I am. The Pre-(Just Imagine...
Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja
Gorillas!)Time Crapper or if you prefer Post-(Just Imagine Saxon Brenton
Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!)Time Crapper. Lying on the street
corner. Dead. A piece of sand waiting to be buried by the future.
Alone and unloved.
But that? That is tomorrow. And well -- this? This is today.
And where there is time...
...there is time for revenge.
April 8, 2007
"I'm starting to get worried about Britney. This whole shaved head
thing. It's not very appealing. I mean -- I'd still do her," Master
Blaster said leaning against the wall. "I mean -- you know -- if I
weren't married that is. But that's just my opinion."
"You know, Rob? That is probably the deepest thing you've ever said and
-- Oh Lord God Almighty I wish I was being sarcastic right now,"
Sarcastic Lad said hanging his head in shame.
"*Ahem*," coughed List Lad. "A list of new rules and regulations --
guys. From our new head honcho." List Lad handed each one a bunch of
stapled papers and then went on his way.
"What the --?" Master Blaster looked over the list. "No Sodomy? No
Pre-marital Sex? No Running Around Naked? No Exposed Belly Buttons?
No Pornography? No Blasphemy? No Idolatry? Hmm. What's that? No
more American Idol, Sarc?"
"This has got to be joke," Sarcastic Lad said as he thumbed through the
list. "What kind of idiot would do -- Oh god." A thought popped into
Sarcastic Lad's head. A thought that turned his face pale. "No. Not
him. It couldn't be. It just can't -- Could it? No. Oh lord. What
have you done to us Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad? Wait. Maybe this is
just some sick joke by List Lad."
"Should we go check?" asked Master Blaster.
Sarcastic Lad gave a reluctant nod.
As they got close to the door of the LNH Leader's Office Sarcastic Lad's
hand hesitated as it reached the knob. "Oh god. Can't do it. I don't
know if I can handle the horrible ugly unfettered truth. I might
forever lose faith in the process of deciding leaders by pulling papers
out of hats. I can't do this, Rob."
"We have to know, Sarc. We have to. Let's flip a coin."
Sarcastic Lad sighed. "Heads."
Master Blaster took a coin out and tossed it up. Both of the heroes
looked at the result of the flip. "Hah! You lose!" Master Blaster did
his victory dance.
"Fine!" Sarcastic Lad grumbled to himself. And then he slowly opened
And behind the door he saw one his worst nightmares come to life. There
sitting behind the Ultimate Ninja's desk was Self-Righteous Preacher
with his arms behind his head leaning in the Ultimate Ninja's chair.
The Preacher's feet used the desk as a footstool. And on the Preacher's
face was a very smug and satisfied look.
Both Sarcastic Lad and Master Blaster made the required Macaulay "Home
Alone" Culkin panic type faces and screamed at the top of their lungs.
And the screams put a smile on the Preacher's face. "Ah. How I have
waited -- Yes -- how I have waited for this day. So much to do. So
much to fix."
The Preacher's Day
Some Days Never Seem to End
8:25 AM Net.ropolis Time
Ripping Dancer quickly shoved the briefcase full of potions (potions
that gave Ripping Dancer her powers to rip things to shreds and her
dazzling beauty) under her bed. A very loud violent knocking sound was
coming from her door.
"Coming. Just -- a sec." She looked over the room to see if there were
any other objects that should be kept secret from prying eyes. And then
she walked over to her door and opened it.
It was Self-Righteous Preacher and a couple of Kirbybots. "Umm. Hi,
Self-Righteous Preacher. Uhh, what can I do for you?"
"You can surrender yourself into custody, Ripping Dancer. You're a
suspect in the disappearances of Fearless Leader, Irony Man, and the
rest of the vanishing LNH'rs. I plan to interrogate you and find out
"What!? You can't -- You have no right!" Ripping Dancer backed herself
away from the door and starting edging towards the window.
"Of course I do. As acting LNH Leader I have the right to do anything
against threats to law and order. Kirbybots! Restrain her!" The
Kirbybots and the Preacher entered the room and started to lock onto
Ripping Dancer. Ripping Dancer made a couple of dance moves, which
caused circuits within the Kirbybots to tear apart. The Kirbybots
started going haywire. Ripping Dancer made another twirl, which caused
the Preacher's suspenders to rip apart letting his pants drop down. And
then she leaped past the malfunctioning Kirbybots and outside her room
"Stop her!" the Preacher raged as he pulled his pants back up and
quickly followed her. But right before he could get to the hallway he
The Preacher looked up to see what -- or who had tripped him. And there
was Sarcastic Lad. Holding a clipboard.
"Whoops! Did my foot accidentally trip you? Gosh, I'm sorry Preachy!
You know I would *never* ever do something like that on purpose! Honest!"
"You!" The Preacher's face started to become a very cartoonishy red
color. And smoke seemed to be puffing right out of his ears. "You!!
YOU!!! This is it. This is the absolute last straw! You are finished!
Yes! Finished! I'm going to lock you up! This time you're going to
"Wow! Jail? Sounds fun. When do I get to pack my bags?"
"This is not a joke, Sarcastic Lad! You helped a suspect escape
custody. As far as I'm concerned, that makes you a part of this evil
vanishing LNH'r plot. You are going to jail for obstructing justice!"
"Cool! My plan worked."
"Plan? What in the Devil's name are you blabbering about?"
"My plan to get out of LNH Storage Inventory duty. Now I can just lie
back in a nice cozy prison cell and read some letters from sexy females
who are hot to trot for guys behind bars. Damn, I'm smart."
"You want to go to jail? No. This must be some kind of mind game
"Mind Games? No! Gosh, Preachy, I'd never tax your brain like that!
"Of course you're smart enough to realize that I would never fall for
something as simplistic as reverse psychology so this must be..." The
Preacher paused and thought about it for a bit. "This must be -- Yes!
Then this must be reverse-reverse psychology!! You're trying to trick
me into thinking I shouldn't put you in jail -- because -- because --
Because you want me to put you in jail! Hah! Who's the clever one now,
"No!" gasped Sarcastic Lad. "You've seen right through my cunning plan!
How -- How did you do it?"
"You forget Sarcastic Lad that I'm far more clever than that slow-witted
ninja. So. I guess I can't punish you by locking you away. So how can
I punish you? You don't like LNH Storage Inventory duty, do you? Well
then -- You've got two straight months of LNH Storage Inventory duty!!
How do you like that?"
"No! You can't -- you just can't! Have a heart, Preacher! I beg you!
Just one week of jail -- that's all I ask! Please! In the name of
God!!" Sarcastic Lad fell to the floor and groveled.
The Preacher just laughed and walked away. Sarcastic Lad got up and
brushed himself off.
It was at that exact moment that WikiBoy passed by. "Oh hi, Sarcastic
Lad," said an unusually cheery WikiBoy.
"Hey, WikiBoy. Got some bad news. You've got two straight months of
LNH Storage Inventory duty." Sarcastic Lad handed WikiBoy a clipboard.
"Sorry, bud." With that Sarcastic Lad patted WikiBoy on the head and
whistled a tune has he made his exit.
WikiBoy just looked at the clipboard and then sighed to himself.
WikiBoy was no longer cheery.
8:26 AM Net.ropolis Time
Occultism Kid stormed into the Preacher's office.
"Yes? Occultism Kid? Can I help you in some way?" the Preacher said
with a slight coyness.
"Yes! I want to know why there are a couple of damn Kirbybots blocking
me from entering my room!"
"Oh that. Hmm. I'm guessing you haven't had a chance to read the new
rules and regulations. Here's a copy." The Preacher handed Occultism
Kid some paper. "There are some new rules about magic and so on. Let's
see. No Devil Worship. No Satanism. No Witchcraft. Ah, yes -- here
it is. No -- Occult -- Practices. There are a few others -- but --
that about covers it. Any questions?"
"You've got to be kidding me!" Occultism Kid crumbled the pieces of
paper in his hand and then dumped them back onto the Preacher's desk.
"In case you forgot -- My name is Occultism Kid. That is what I do! I
need stuff in my room to help us find the missing LNH'rs! I don't have
time for this nonsense!"
"You forget, I am the leader now. And what I say goes. And don't worry
about the missing LNH'rs. God will help us find them. Well, as long as
we refrain from sinful activities like dealing with the occult that is.
Perhaps you could help us by abandoning your wicked practices and
begin praying to the Heavenly Father for guidance?"
"I should -- I should..." Occultism Kid started to clench his fists and
then hesitated. "No. You're not worth it. I'm out of here. I'll come
back when someone with at least half a brain is in charge, but until
then... You're on your own." With that Occultism Kid walked out just as
Dr. Stomper entered the room.
"Occultism Kid?" Dr. Stomper said as Occultism Kid brushed by him.
"Sorry, Doc. Got to go. Good luck with this moron."
"Yes, Doctor?" said the Preacher. "A problem I can help you with? How
goes the search for our missing Legionaires?"
"Um. Still haven't discovered why people seem to be vanishing. But
that isn't why I'm here. I've been getting quite a lot of complaints
from people about your leadership decisions. You tried to arrest
"I had some questions for her. But she fled the scene before I could
get any answers. Now, why would she run if she had nothing to hide?"
"Because you were trying to arrest her? And there is this use of the
Kirbybots as your own police force."
"Which is my right. With Kid Kirby away on some cosmic matter -- as
leader of the LNH I have complete control over all Kirbybots to help me
"And Occultism Kid? We need his help."
"Do we? No. What we need, Doctor, is God's help. And as long as we
allow sinning practices that make a mockery of the word of God to fester
in the LNHQ -- God will not aid us."
Dr. Stomper sighed to himself. "And there's also something else. A
problem I noticed a couple of hours ago. It's 8:26."
"Yes? And the problem with that is?"
"A couple of hours ago it was 8:25."
"I see. Are you sure about this?"
"Positive. I've done a number of temporal tests. I've even measured
the speed the sun is moving across the sky. I'm afraid it's traveling
very slowly. Something is causing the Earth and Sun to slow down,
perhaps even the Looniverse itself. But life on Earth isn't slowing
down. If this keeps up it is going to have catastrophic results. I
suspect some time traveling villain like the Time Crapper is involved.
"Perhaps. Or perhaps God is doing this."
"God? Look, Self-Righteous Preacher, this is a serious matter and we
don't have the time to..."
"Do you know the story of Joshua? Of the battle at Gibeon?"
"Vaguely. It's been awhile since I attended Sunday school."
"Well -- allow me to refresh your memory. In the Battle of Gibeon, God
causes the Sun to stay still so Joshua's men can be victorious over the
unbelievers. Could it be that God has done the same thing today so that
I will have the time to bring all of the sinners of the world to
justice? I think there is a strong possibility that that could be the
"I see." A pale expression emerged from Dr. Stomper's face. "I think
-- I think perhaps I need to go back to my lab and do some more tests."
The Doctor quickly made his way out.
"Yes. Go do that, Doctor. Shake your test tubes and play with your
glitter boxes. I myself have work to do." With that said the Preacher
turned towards a chalkboard in his office. On it was a list. And the
title of the list read 'The Enemies of Family Values'.
The Preacher studied the list and began making plans.
8:27 AM Net.ropolis Time
A group of hooded men hovered over an operating table. Strapped down to
the table was what appeared to be a big lizard. A Komodo Dragon.
Strapped on its head was what looked to be one of those
brain-transferring helmets. Various wires were also inserted into him.
Right above him stood the leader of the cult. The cult leader's hands
held a severed goat's head dripping with blood. The blood dripped down
onto the body of the komodo dragon. The rest of the cultists were
chanting 'Separation of Church and State' over and over again.
The cult leader started to speak as he raised the goat's head high.
"You are no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon. You are
no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!! No. You are now
and forever -- Eggplant the Spring Festival Komodo Dragon!! You shall
become a beloved icon for all the children of the world -- not just the
Christian children -- who can be safely displayed in any public school.
Yes. Hindu children. Moslem children. Buddhist children. Even
Atheist children. And..."
"Enough!" Suddenly the cellar door burst open. The cultists looked up
to see who was interrupting their very sacred ritual. "Secular
Humanists!! No more shall you make war upon the Holiday of Easter!! No
More!! It is Time. Time -- For some Bible Lessons!!!" The Preacher
then took out a rather oddly shaped bible from his coat -- A boomerang
shaped bible -- and hurled it at the goat head. The goat head fell and
the bible continued on its path smacking each cult member in the head
and then finally returning itself back to the Preacher's hand.
"No!" the head cultist screamed. "You're interfering with out right
to..." But before he could complete that sentence a kung-fu punch from
the Preacher sent his jaw and rest of him down on floor like a sack of
The rest of the cultist swarmed him, but the Preacher was a
one-man-kicking-ass-and-taking-names machine. And when the last cultist
fell, the Preacher took out an axe like cross from one of his pockets
and used it to slice away the shackles that imprisoned Eggplant the
Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon.
"You are free -- Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon! Free once
more to teach the world the true meaning of Easter."
And Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon gave the Preacher a nod of
appreciation. He crawled over to where his Easter bonnet was placed and
put it back on his head. And then he proceeded to rip out the throats
of all of the Secular Humanist cult members.
8:28 AM Net.ropolis Time
"First, I'd like to thank Master Blaster for letting us have this
meeting at his house," Dr. Stomper said sitting at a table with a group
of LNH members in basement of Master Blaster's house. A table that was
mostly used for poker games.
"No prob, Doc. Just -- could we keep this short? wReanna and me are
taking the kid to this Easter Egg hunt thing."
"Actually, that is a good segue for our first topic of discussion.
Time. Some force is reducing time's speed in the Looniverse. At this
precise moment I'm unsure of what is exactly causing it. It could be a
villain with temporal powers like the Time Crapper or a villain that can
cause parts of the Net to slow down like Lagneto. Or something else
completely. But we need to solve this problem quickly because the
longer we delay the more catastrophic the results will be."
"How catastrophic, Doctor?" Occultism Kid asked.
"Imagine one side of the Earth burning to death while the other side
freezes to death."
"Ok. Really, Bad. Gotcha," Occultism Kid said while jotting down some
"And there will also be economic and political consequences to this.
Our world revolves around time. People get paid salaries calculated
from time served. And time also dictates how long politicians and other
government officials can serve in office. Which brings us to our second
problem. The Self-Righteous Preacher."
"Oh -- this is just brilliant," Sarcastic Lad said rolling his eyes.
"So, what you're saying is we're going to be stuck with the Preacher as
leader well at least until we burn to death? Is that what you're
saying? Gosh, who was the brilliant genius that decided that
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad should select who becomes temporary leader?
I'd just love to thank them right now."
"*Ahem*," Dr. Stomper said knowing that he had been responsible for that
decision. "There's no purpose in pointing fingers. We need to solve
this problem. Occultism Kid? I'd like you to see if this problem is
mystical in nature."
"Considering I've been banned from my room, which contains all of my
occult materials and books; I might have some difficulty with that. But
maybe I can get some help from someone like the Gothic Gorilla, Dr.
Deranged, or some of my NTB contacts."
"Do what you can. And Sarcastic Lad? I want you to hang around the
Preacher; make sure he doesn't cause too much trouble."
"Oh, Joy! Please -- someone give me cancer so I can finally put the
cherry on the wonderful whipped cream Sunday that is today. And maybe
some leprosy if you can spare some."
Dr. Stomper sighed to himself. "And finally I will try to find the
focal point of this temporal anomaly using all the scientific resources
I have at the LNHHQ."
8:29 AM Net.ropolis Time
Ripping Dancer clicked on the TV set that was placed in the abandoned
warehouse she was in. A face of a mysterious shadowy figure
materialized on it and began to communicate with her.
<<So -- how goes life at the madhouse?>>
"Terrible. Self-Righteous Preacher, who's now the leader, tried to have
<<For what reason?>>
"I don't know. I think he thought I was involved in all of the previous
leaders vanishing. Everything's starting to fall apart there. You're
not the one doing this -- Are you?"
<<No. I've had some of my sources check, but they seem to be clueless
at who's responsible for this. It must be someone very powerful though
to snatch someone like Captain Continuity and keep him imprisoned. The
LNH has acquired a number of incredibly powerful enemies over the years.
It could be almost anyone. Still. This could work to our advantage.
If members keep vanishing then you might become leader.>>
"No. I can't -- I don't -- I don't want to be leader. I don't want to
disappear. I don't want this. I'm scared by this -- what's happening."
<<Yes, Tara. I know. But you should know by now that it's not about
what you want. No, Tara. It's about what I want. You should try and
"What I don't understand is why you don't just end the LNH with all the
power you have?"
That voice. That beautiful voice like a haunting song. That's the
voice that's going to kill me.
The voice belongs to a lovely twenty-ish girl with a punkish purple
streak in her black hair and a ring piercing her cute little nose.
She's going to rip out my heart tomorrow and I won't be able to stop
her. It's silly. Why do we let love destroy us? Why can't we stop it
as it consumes us?
"You could go back in time and just kill all of their grandparents or
"No. Time -- Time is much more complicated than that," I tell her.
"Every change has an effect. By causing all of the current members to
cease to exist I might create a present with an even more competent LNH.
Or perhaps I might cause the entire Looniverse to cease altogether.
As much as I hate to say it, the LNH is a vital part of the Looniverse.
And time? Time is tricky."
"Whatever. Seems though that you could at least use your powers to get
us a better hotel room. This place is a dump."
"I could, but sometimes the best hiding places are the ones that no one
would think of looking at. A classy hotel room would just attract to
The girl picks up one of the hourglasses lying around the room and gazes
into it. "The smell. It's disgusting. Why does time have to smell
"It's the way it is. You'll get used to it. Eventually, there will
come a time when you find it has the sweetest smell of anything you've
"Ugh. I hope not. And you can see anything in this glass? All of
"Yes, Tamela. And more. Look into it. You could watch a giant redwood
grow from a tiny seed. You could see Christ be crucified. See Pangaea
break up into separate continents. You could watch the Looniverse begin
and end if you wanted. It's all there."
"Big Whoop. I want to see what next week's lottery numbers are. I want
to be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Have a big mansion with tons of
servants." She laughs, "And maybe my own male harem. Who knows?"
"And you can have all that. You can have anything you want." And I lie
to her. You can't have everything you want. No matter how much power
you have. I can't make her care for me. I can't make her love me. All
I can do is let her use me. That's the best I can have.
8:30 AM Net.ropolis Time
Self-Righteous Preacher looked at the remaining names on the 'The
Enemies of Family Values' list.
The United Nations. Bill Maher. South Park. The Liberal Media. The
Homosexual Agenda. Unwed Mothers. Demon Boy. Hmm. Demon Boy was in
some kind of 'Can't be used' Character Limbo. Scratch him off the list.
And there was this Catgirl whose name he couldn't seem to remember.
And even though the Preacher felt that this Catgirl was the greatest
enemy of all the people on this list, he wasn't quite sure how to go
about searching for her. No. Leave her for some other time. Cable TV.
The Internet. The Democratic Party. Evolution. And then the
Preacher's eyes just stopped at one of the names. You, the Preacher
thought to himself. You thought I had forgotten you. But no. I never
forget. But now? Now you're going to pay for all of the evil you have
committed. Yes. Finally. It's all going to end. You can't escape it.
No. I'm coming for you.
And the Preacher grabbed a piece of chalk and circled the name. A name
that simply said: The Slobbering Grue!
8:30 AM Net.ropolis Time
"I want him. I want you to catch this beast and bring him to me in
chains." The Preacher used his little pointy stick and stabbed it at a
picture of a short green toad like creature in boxer shorts. "His name
is the Slobbering Grue! -- And -- and he's more dangerous than he appears."
"Umm. Okay, but -- uhh -- I think he may be dead, Self-Righteous," Kid
Recap said trying to bring a little sanity to this big LNH meeting the
Preacher had called. "You see last year in the whole 'Just Imagine
Saxon Brenton Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!' Crossover thingee the
Crossover Queen blasted the city of Espanola, Net.Mexico with a reality
ray killing everyone in that city. There were no survivors."
"Yes. I know about that. But what you don't realize, Kid Recap, is
that a month before that horrible tragedy happened all of the important
members of the JONG cast were secretly relocated to the almost
identically named city of Espayola, Net.Mexico."
"Lucky for them," yawned Sarcastic Lad.
"Umm -- Where are you getting this info from?" asked a puzzled Kid Recap.
"No. He's right," said a man by the name of Arthur Spitzer who had been
sitting in the back row. "Yep. That's what happened all right."
"I'd like to thank you for helping us, Mr. Spitzer. We are very
grateful," said a very appreciative Self-Righteous Preacher.
"No, prob. Oh..." The mysterious being named Arthur Spitzer looked at
his watch, "Gotta go. Still have to write the rest of this story." And
with that he vanished. Mysteriously.
"Oh brother," Fourth Wall Lass said rolling her eyes.
"And there you have it," the Preacher said getting back to the business
at hand. "That's where the beast is. Espayola, Net.Mexico. I want two
teams -- five members each -- to go there and take him down. And bring
him back! In chains!!"
8:32 AM Net.ropolis Time
Self-Righteous Preacher gazed at the 'Important Message' Screen. It
seemed like he had been waiting forever for word about how the mission
was going. But finally a message came through. A visual of Building
Suspense Lad emerged on the screen.
<<Um -- Preacher? We've located the Grue. But. Umm -- you might want
to come down here and see this for yourself.>>
"Why?" said a slightly irritated Preacher. "Is the Grue too much for
ten LNH'rs?" Yes. That must be it. A slight smile touched the
Preacher's lips. He would have to go to Espayola to finish this. Yes.
Him versus the Grue! in one final epic battle.
<<Umm -- just come down here.>>
"Fine." The Preacher clicked off the screen.
This time he'd bring a bigger bible.
8:34 AM Net.ropolis Time
Self-Righteous wondered why Building Suspense Lad was escorting him
through a hospital. Had the Grue! wounded some of his fellow LNH'rs?
Why was Building Suspense Lad being silent about all this? Finally,
they arrived at a room. And Building Suspense Lad opened the room's
door. And the Preacher looked in.
There was a hospital bed. And on that bed was a short green toad like
creature lying on it oblivious to the world hooked up to tubes and wires.
"What -- How did this happen?" the Preacher said with concern on his face.
The hospital attendant who was monitoring the Slobbering Grue!'s life
signs answered him. "He and a couple of buddies were filming video
footage for this website --
www.stupididiotsdoingstupididioticstunts.com. Their plan was for Mr.
Slobbering Grue! to catch an ice cream truck falling from a ten story
building -- with his tongue -- but sadly the stunt didn't quite work out
and now --" The hospital attendant looked with a very serious expression
at the patient, "And now? He's in a coma -- and completely brain dead."
"Are you sure he wasn't completely brain dead before this happened? I
mean -- I'm just saying..." asked Sarcastic Lad.
The Preacher glared at Sarcastic Lad and then asked his own question.
"So what is to become of him now?"
The hospital attendant formed an even more serious expression on his
face. "There's no hope for recovery. We're going to unplug him from
life support tomorrow."
"No!" the Preacher gasped. "That's murder! You can't do that to him --
even if he is a totally corrupt and evil beast. All life is sacred!"
The hospital attendant nodded in agreement. "Alas, it's not my
decision. It's his wife's."
"He's married?" the Preacher said with a very shocked voice.
"Yes. His wife's name is..." but before the attendant could continue
the ground started to shake. Something was coming. Something like an
elephant. Before any of the heroes could react a massive hand punched
right through the door and ripped it right off. And the heroes looked
in shock at who had ripped off the door. It was a woman. A very big
and massive woman. A woman smoking a big cigar with very big jowls who
kind of resembled Anne Ramsey from 'Throw Mama from the Train'. She
stomped right into the room. And then she opened her big mouth.
"Where's my damn life insurance check -- you worthless commie maggots!!?
I want my million dollar check!!"
"Ah, that's his wife," the hospital attendant said backing away from the
very large woman.
"You're -- You're Mrs. Slobbering Grue!? said a perplexed Self-Righteous
"Don't. You Call Me That -- You Stupid Bible Hugger!! The Name's Land
Lady!! And this worthless green vegetable who tricked me into marrying
him -- owes me a ton of bread in back rent -- and I mean to get it!! I
want my check!!" Land Lady picked the hospital attendant up by his
scrubs and began shaking him.
"I'm sorry -- Missus -- Mrs. Land Lady, the soonest that we can get your
husband off of life support is tomorrow. There are still loads of
paperwork to be filled."
Land Lady threw him down onto the floor. "Fine! But I better get my
damn check tomorrow or I'm going to stomp this whole hospital into the
"Wait! This beast deserves a chance at life! You can't..." the
Preacher said waving a bible in front of Land Lady's face.
But the Land Lady ignored the Preacher's pleas. "This conversation is
giving me gas. I'm going -- you bunch of commie retards." She then put
out her cigar on the Preacher's bible and then stomped her way out.
The Preacher looked at his bible. "What a horrible woman! You can't
let her do this!"
The attendant shook his head in a sympathetic way. "I'm sorry. It's
out of my hands."
But the Preacher gave a defiant sneer. "But not out of my hands. I'll
fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to!! I will save
the Slobbering Grue!! As God is my witness -- I will save this poor
comatose soul from oblivion!!!"
And with that the Self-Righteous Preacher stormed out of the hospital
room. He was a man -- on a mission!
"Well. That was totally worth my time," Sarcastic Lad said following
the Preacher twirling his finger near his head.
8:36 AM Net.ropolis Time
"And I'm here on the senate floor to tell you this is the most important
decision that you people are ever going to make!" Bill Frist paused
awhile thinking to himself, 'Damn, I should be running for President and
not the rest of those losers. Why don't the polls like me?' and then
continued. "We're going to decide today whether or not this poor soul
is going to live or die! I want you to ask yourself as you look at this
unfortunate person -- this greenish toad like person -- do you have it
in you to murder him? To squash the life right out of him? This is an
important question. Perhaps the most important question you'll ever
"Certainly more important than this whole Iraq War thing," shouted
Sarcastic Lad from the way back row.
Ignoring him Bill Frist continued. "Yes, I know I'm not a Senator
anymore so I'm not really sure why I'm speaking to you right now. But I
am still a Doctor -- and even though I am about 2000 miles away from
this patient -- using this video link-up we have I can see that this is
a man crying for a chance to life! Look at his eyes blinking! He's
trying to communicate with us! But he doesn't know Morse code! But if
he did he would use it right now to tell us he wants to live! Are we
going to condemn a man just because he doesn't know Morse code? Are we?
How about we just round up everybody who doesn't know Morse code and
put them into concentration camps and gas chambers? I don't know about
you, but that doesn't seem American. No, it doesn't. And furthmore --
Wait! Did you see that? He smiled! Can someone who is completely
brain dead smile?"
"I don't know. Try smiling for me," answered Sarcastic Lad.
"Get this man out of here! Get him the hell out of here!! How did he
get in here in the first place?!!!" said Bill Frist as he waved his
hands wildly in the air. Eventually Capital security hauled Sarcastic
"I bored with this," she tells me.
"We could go somewhere else," I suggest. "Anywhere in the world."
"No. I'm bored with today. I want time to speed up again."
"We could go to the past?"
"No. I don't care about the past. I want tomorrow."
I look at my hourglass. And then at her. I should leave her. I could
avoid my fate. Just always avoid the day I die. She doesn't love me.
But. There's always this hope that I'm wrong. That she won't kill me.
That I won't die. That she'll eventually love me like I love her. It
will all work out. I can change. She can change. Time can change.
But it doesn't work that way.
I am fool.
So I speed up time.
The grains of sand start raining again.
She smiles as the seconds zip by like motorcycles.
And I drown in her smile.
11:52 PM Net.ropolis Time
The Preacher paced around the room. Just him and the comatose
Slobbering Grue! He looked out of the hospital window. It was night
time in Espayola, Net.Mexico. It looked like the LNH had solved this
whole time problem. The Preacher wondered what might have happened.
Maybe he could have saved everyone's soul. Maybe. He looked at his
watch. Just eight more minutes until he vanished. He looked back at
the Slobbering Grue!
"The Supreme Court hearing is tomorrow. I'm afraid I won't be able to
attend." The Preacher walked over to the grue's bed and sat down on a
chair next to it. "I'm sorry. All I can do is pray that they make the
right decision. Strange. After all these years in which we were mortal
enemies. And now this. I'm the only one who cares whether you live or
die. You know, I didn't think this was the way it would end. No. But
I guess only God knows how everything will end. I wanted to save the
world today. But God had other plans. And I think I understand why.
As I look at you here I start to understand the words of the Savior more
clearly. I understand Jesus's love. His love for the world and all of
the hopeless sinners in it. His love for the worst of us. In some ways
we are all alike. You and me. For me to hate you I might as well hate
myself. No. I understand love now." The Preacher held the Slobbering
Grues! Comatose hand. I love -- I love you, Slobbering Grue!"
"Yes -- I do -- and... Wait you're -- you're...?!" gasped a surprised
And the Slobbering Grue! bouncing out of his bed embraced the Preacher
giving him a very big and sloppy kiss.
"Yuck! That was kind of gay," said Slobbering Grue! wiping his lips
with his hand. "Remind to never do that again."
And the thoroughly drenched face of Self-Righteous Preacher became
redder and redder as the saliva started to turn into steam. "You!!
YOU!!! *YOU*!!!! You perverted -- You filthy -- YOU --!!!"
"Oh btw... thanks for the wallet." And with that said the Slobbering
Grue! zipped right out of the hospital room.
And the boiling kettle of rage that was the Preacher just watched him
go. "This was a scam? This was a scam!! I will hunt you down. I will
-- I will. Chains!! Locked away in a cell!! Iron Pipes!!! Get you!!!
GET YOU!!! HUNT YOU -- HUNT YOU DOWN!!! All over the Earth!!! I --
I will..." And as the Preacher shook his fist in the air, Two thousand
miles away the clock in the LNHHQ struck midnight once again. And the
And it is tomorrow.
And there she is. Lying on the street corner. Dead.
Are you shocked?
Do you think I'm a horrible person for killing her?
Yes. Yes I am. I'm evil. I'm a disgusting evil thing.
I can't help it. I loved her. But she wouldn't -- she wouldn't -- And
now? And now she's dead.
Why couldn't she love me? Am I so horrible? Yes. I am.
And now she's dead. I need to change this. I have the power to do
that. I've got to change it. She shouldn't be dead. I'm the one who's
I take her in my arms. I give her dead body one final kiss. And then I
go back. Back to the past.
I'm back again. I can see myself. I can see her. I'm getting ready to
kill her. And so I blast myself with time. My past self looks at me as
I kill him. There is a sadness in his eyes. A look of betrayal.
She screams. Tamela screams as I finish killing him. And I yell at
her. "Get away!! Get away!! Just go!!!" I say. And she runs. And
runs. And part of me wants to go after her. But I know that would be a
bad idea. So I let her leave. And I want her. And I hate her. And I
And then I look at myself. Lying on the street corner. Dying. I'm
sorry. But you deserved it. You're evil. A monster. You and me. We
don't deserve love. And he dies.
And I look at my hands. So bloody. Oh love. What a horrible thing you
It just goes on and on.
I need to go somewhere else.
To the future?
To the past.
Always to the past.
To be continued... Tomorrow...
The little scene at the beginning was ripped from Drizzt's Cry.Sig...
Crossover Queen and Continuity Champ are his...
Self-Righteous Preacher is Raymond "wReam" Bingham's
The Time Crapper is Jef Kolodziej's
Sarcastic Lad is Gary St. Lawrence's
Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's
Occultism Kid and Kid Recap are Josh Geurink's
Master Blaster is Martin Phipps's
Fourth Wall Lass is Saxon Brenton's
WikiBoy is Tom Russell's
List Lad is Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt's
Kirbybots are Jameel al Khafiz's
You can think of this as JONG #6 if you want since I probably won't be
writing that anytime soon. This will probably be the last Slobbering
Grue! story I ever write. Just don't feel like I have anything more to
say about this character. I'm quite a bit different now from the
teenager who created the Slobbering Grue! Somehow, saliva jokes aren't
quite as funny as they once were.
Probably still write more Self-Righteous Preacher stuff since I enjoy
writing the character.
The Time Crapper stuff and its tone seem slightly out of place here.
But oh well.
Not really much of an Easter story.
Now I need to write that California Kid story...
Arthur "Have a good Easter" Spitzer
From: "Saxon Brenton" <saxonb... at hotmail.com>
Subject: [LNH] LNH Comics Presents #44: Infinite Leadership Cry.sig Ep.9
Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2007 07:34:24 +0000 (UTC)
[I swear on a stack of Kurt Busiek comics, I copy'n'pasted the addresses
this time rather than typed them in to make sure they were right.]
LNH Comics Presents #44
Infinite Leadership Cry.sig: Episode 9
by Saxon Brenton
9th April 2007
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad pulled a piece of paper from his hat.
On it was the identity of the next leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes.
"You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad," he announced.
There was a second's worth of stunned silence, then Adamant-
Authority-On-Everything let out a strangled cry of, "What!?"
"You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad," repeated Pulls-Paper-Out-
"But he's not..." began Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
"Not a classic character?" asked Sister-State-The-Obvious. "Not
someone who's been around since the Cosmic Plot Device Caper?"
"I was about to say: he's not the type of iconic person of the
quality that you'd expect for a leader of the Legion," Adamant-Authority-
On-Everything said pointedly.
"What, and people who can detect irony, or are as dull as limp
asparagus, or whose superpower consists of making cheesecake are?"
said Sarcastic Lad.
"I think you're missing the point," said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-
Hard-Enough Lad, speaking up for the first time.
"I find that unlikely," huffed Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
"What might this so-called point be?"
"I think Limp-Asparagus Lad was right about the LNH leadership
currently being about keeping the team running while the researchers
try to solve the problem. For the moment the leaders are expendable."
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad smiled and gestured expansively.
"I'm willing to play the part of being expendable." Then his grin grew
wicked. "But if Adamant-Authority-On-Everything thinks he's more
expendable than me, then I'm happy enough to stand aside and not be
disappeared at midnight. All he's gotta do is say the word."
Adamant-Authority-On-Everything opened his mouth - perhaps to
accept, perhaps to retort - before closing it again and narrowing his
eyes in a credible impersonation of a laser beam death stare.
Sarcastic Lad smirked. "Shouldn't it be Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-
Do-Better Lad who'd be goaded into taking over the death seat with a
trick like that?"
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad gave him an unreadable glance
before saying, "Tell you what guys, how about I start off by rescinding
*everything* that Self-Righteous Preacher did yesterday?" This brought a
ragged cheer from the others. YNHMHELad nodded. "I thought that would
appeal to you. Multi-Tasking Man? Will you contact Occultism Kid,
All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny Woman, and Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid and tell them that the Legion is now occultism and paganism tolerant
again, and ask them back? Thanks. Now, if there's nothing else, I'll go
and talk with John and Sally about wranglin' that thar paperwork into
"The Chuggernaut's going on a rampage through midtown?" repeated
It was in the middle of the afternoon, hours after he had been
appointed. It had been a long day. The plan of trying to process
the paperwork for maintaining the Legion had long since fallen by the
wayside. You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad was beginning to sub-
scribe to the rumour that Ultimate Ninja had gone out of his way to set
up the management of the Legion to be as difficult as possible for
whoever had to fill in for him.
Instead YNHMHELad had taken refuge in organising the rapid response
teams that were regularly being sent out to deal with all the mundane
and net.ahuman weirdness that arise in a comic book superhero class
universe. Fighting a cult of revampires. Helping the Food and Drug
Administration capture a black market shipment of illicit and dangerously
poor quality super-soldier serum. Breaking up a kaiju battle between
Fin Fanfic Foom (a giant lizard who wears underpants) and Carassion (a
giant flying goldfish with a breath weapon of radioactive bubbles).
Thwarting the fifth columnist plans of a squad of Al-Qaeda Amerika
operatives (yes, they were still about and still making trouble). And
just after lunch Doctor Glockenspiel had returned. A few days previously
he had arrived to challenge Ultimate Ninja to a duel, and unable to
accept that there was a fill-in leader had stormed away vowing revenge.
This time Dr G. had arrived with a tank-like glockenspiel and had tried
to destroy the LNH-HQ with its sonic attack, all the while screaming
for Ultimate Ninja to come out and face him.
Now You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad had just been told by
Multi-Tasking Man that the awesomely powerful brawler going by the name
of the Chuggernaut (nee, the Time Whino) was on the loose and wreaking
havok. YNHMHELad leaned back in his chair and looked thoughtful. "Okay,"
he said. "I've got an idea on how to handle this. First I need to have a
word with Occultism Kid. In the meantime Multi-Tasking Man, organise a
general rescue squad out of anyone who isn't otherwise occupied at the
moment, and have them meet me in the flight.thingee bay in five minutes."
He grinned to himself. "I think I'm gonna want to handle this one myself."
"Gimme all your beer!" roared the Chuggernaut. He picked up a metal
beer keg that he had liberated from a nearby tavern, tapped it by the
expedience of punching a fist through its side, and then held it over
his head to let the contents pour down his throat. Once the keg was half
drained he threw it away and continued, "Gimme all your beer or I'll
tear this town in half!"
"No, you villain!" yelled You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad as
he struck an arms akimbo pose. "Fight me instead!"
The Chuggernaut threw an unbroached keg at the Legionnaire, which
struck YNHMHELad with a resounding KA-THUNNNGGG!!! and sent him
flying. The Chuggernaut turned back to his beer swilling, little
appreciating that the harder you hit You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad the stronger he got, so that Chuggernaut didn't see the incoming
car that YNHMHELad threw at him until it hit Chuggernaut in the back
of the head.
As the Chuggernaut angrily picked himself up from the road, You're-
Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad ran in and hit him with a haymaker,
sending Chuggernaut impacting through the wall of the building across
As You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad continued after the
Chuggernaut he noted that the rest of the squad were acting as ordered,
evacuating the remaining bystanders as quickly as possible from the
area. He hoped that Occultism Kid would be able to act soon. This was
fun, but it was bound to cause a lot of property damage unless they
could finish it off quickly! Then with unexpected speed the Chuggernaut
emerged from the rubble of the wall and punched a piledriver fist into
YNHMHELad's face. You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad landed on the
other side of the street, where he promptly picked up an abandoned bus
and used it to club Chuggernaut over the head.
"Surrender villain!" called You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad,
who by this time was as high as a kite from all the endorphins that the
impact from Chuggernaut's punches were releasing into his bloodstream.
"All your badly scripted dialog and poorly drawn hyperthyroid musculature
can't defend you against the forces of justice!"
"Stupid little prick!" countered the Chuggernaut, and in rapid
succession threw two cars of his own at the LNHer. This briefly blinded
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, and the Chuggernaut took the
opportunity to race forward for close hand-to-hand combat.
"Now!" yelled Occultism Kid, and released the hastily tailored
spell that he had been preparing. The Chuggernaut lifted off the ground
and hung suspended in the air.
The Chuggernaut cursed and ranted at this, but found himself quite
helpless. The various Legionnaires gathered around, including those
who'd been keeping away the bystanders. "Okay, so, if we were only going
to float him in midair, why did it take so long?" asked Bandwagon Chick.
"You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad wanted a specific spell
effect," answered Occultism Kid. "Normally it *would* be just a matter
of using a standard levitation spell, but in this case although the
Chuggernaut's weight is being supported throughout his whole body, that
support is pivoted at a single point in the centre of balance." Occultism
Kid looked at YNHMHELad (who was grinning like a loon) and said, "But
you never actually said why. What's so important about him being able
to spin around freely without being controlled by the spell caster?"
"I wanna test a theory," You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad
smiled. And to demonstrate, he gave the Chuggernaut a full strength
punch in the face.
The villain spun backwards, head over heels at high speed. And,
as You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad had been secretly hoping, he
didn't have a stomach for vertigo. "Ahhh... Stop... Pleaf... Ahhh, hurk,
urf, BLUUEERRRKKK!!!" Beer-smelling vomit with bits of diced carrot in
it (because, like, when you throw up there's always diced carrot in the
sick, even if you haven't eaten carrot in months) went flying everywhere
in a great spiral, kind of like the sparks of a pinwheel firework.
"Aww, YUCK!" went everybody. Well, everybody except You're-Not-
Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, who was still far too hyped up for his own
good, and who punched his fists in the air and yelled, "Aww, KEWL!"
The Legionnaires all glared at him. He smirked back at them with a
goofy smile plastered across his face.
"Okay, that does it," said Bizarre Boy. "Bandwagon Chick, help me
get him back to your bandwagon, and we'll take him back to Organic
Lass and have her straighten out his body chemistry.
"And from now on," Fuzzy told YNHMHELad sternly, "You either get
to plan a campaign, or take part in one, but not both!"
Adamant-Authority-On-Everything and Sister-State-The-Obvious created
by wReam (Ray Bingham), and not reserved.
Bandwagon Chick created by Sue Clark, and not reserved.
Bizarre Boy created by rjd... at psuvm.pse.edu, not reserved.
The Chuggernaut, Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad and You're-Not-Hitting-
Me-Hard-Enough Lad created by Arthur Spitzer, and not reserved.
Fuzzy created by Connie Hirsch, and not reserved.
John and Sally created by Descrii (Ian Porell), and Public Domain.
Multi-Tasking Man created by Jeff Coleburn, and not reserved.
Occultism Kid created by Josh Geurink, and not reserved.
Sarcastic Lad created by Gary St. Lawrence, and not reserved.
Saxon Brenton University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
saxon.... at uts.edu.au saxonb... at hotmail.com
The Librarian "liked people who loved and respected books. And the best
way to do that, in the Librarian's opinion, was to leave them on the
shelves where Nature intended them to be." Terry Pratchett, _Men At Arms_
Next Week: More leaders! More disappearing -- Part VI!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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