LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #128: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Four
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Nov 17 13:25:19 PST 2019
You can sift through the racc list archive
https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for these stories that make up the fourth
section of Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig (or Crisis).
LNH Comics Presents #41 is by Saxon Brenton. It looks like the Man of Dull, Limp
Asparagus Lad, is the new Boss Supreme -- but can the LNH convince Dr.
Glockenspiel of that?
And LNHCP #42 by Jamas Enright has Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad pulling two names for
leader. Suddenly Exploding Boy and Faq Boy! But who will explode first?
Find all that out in..
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #128
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Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Four
=====================
From: "Saxon Brenton" <saxonb... at hotmail.com>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #41: Infinite Leadership Cry.sig Ep.6
Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2007 05:30:35 +0000 (UTC)
[So, after 24 hours this has turned up on alt.comics.lnh, but not on
rec.arts.comics.creative, which is realy funky considering I emailed it
as a crosspost. Anyway, 2nd posting.]
LNH Comics Presents #41
Infinite Leadership Cry.sig: Episode 6
"Limp-Asparagus Lad"
by Saxon Brenton
6th April 2007
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad flexed his hand, limbering up all six
digits (four fingers and two thumbs), then reached into his hat and
pulled out a piece of paper. On it was written the name of the net.hero
who would be the leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes for today.
The room was hushed. Normally being chosen to be the LNH leader was
considered a great honour and responsibility (or a vast and embarrassing
waste of time, depending) but just at the moment there was the small
added complication that whoever was leading the sprawling superhero team
would vanish without trace at midnight. If this kept up they would
eventually run out of members to advance to the leadership position.
"Limp-Asparagus Lad," Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad announced.
"Place holder candidate," said Sarcastic Lad matter-of-factly.
"Yes," agreed Limp-Asparagus Lad simply. Everyone just looked at
him. After a few seconds Sarcastic Lad weakened demanded, "And just what
is that supposed mean?"
"At this point all of the Legion's resources that could plausibly
be used to unravel this problem are being used for just that purpose,"
Limp-Asparagus Lad answered. "That includes Doctor Stomper's experiments,
Occultism Kid's divinations, All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny
Woman's mystic trances, and the ongoing research to find comparable
past incidents by Bibliography Boy, Librarian Lady, Research Lass,
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid, Librarian Lad, wReamhack and Renegade
Programmer..."
"Yes, yes, yes! We know all that!" snapped Sarcastic Lad.
"I am giving a plot summary," Limp-Asparagus Lad said to the
aggravated extraterrestrial LNHer calmly. "In any case, as far as we can
tell all that can be done is being done. Under the circumstances I think
the best thing that I can do is ensure that they are not interrupted in
their work. Having other active members assigned to field teams to handle
emergencies is part of that, but it occurs to me that I should also be
making sure that the electricity isn't cut off." He looked at them.
"With the previous team leaders all having gone missing, has anybody
been making sure that the bills are being paid?"
The other Legionnaires all looked flummoxed.
The Man of Dull nodded. "If anyone has any further ideas about how
to solve our current leadership crisis, please tell me and I will make
arrangements for whatever needs to be done to test it. In the meantime,
I will be talking with Ultimate Ninja's secretaries John and Sally about
what routine paperwork needs to be processed."
*****
But alas! Such was not to be. The Legion was an emergency services
organisation, and unexpected new crises were forever arising to disturb
the carefully cultivated harmony that was desired.
Case in point:
"Ho! Plebian! Summon your master Ultimate Ninja, for I, Doctor
Glockenspiel, demand to do battle with him!"
Fred the receptionist looked up from his copy of _Dfandom Magazine_
and the article he'd been reading about the return of Tony Pi to the
writing chores of _Conclave of Super Villains_. There was a gaudily
dressed bad guy standing there in the LNH-HQ's foyer, posing in an arms
akimbo stance.
"Uhm, okay," said Fred, and reached for the internal phone to call
Ultimate Ninja's office. Then he paused and said, "Hold up a minute,"
and picked up a clipboard which contained a printout of today's circulars
and procedural updates.
"What are you doing!? If you are trying some sort of trick, I will
punish you!"
"No, no. Nothing like that," said Fred. "We've been having a rapid
turnover of leaders during the past week, and I'm just checking who's in
charge for today. Okay, here we go. It's Limp-Asparagus Lad."
"Who?"
Fred looked up at the musically themed miscreant. "Er... Limp-
Asparagus Lad."
"Never heard of him."
"The Man of Dull? The World's Most Boring Mutant Hero?"
Doctor Glockenspiel stepped forward menacingly. "I think you're
making this up!"
"No, please. I'm telling the truth," Fred said hastily. He put
aside the suggestion that he was going to make, that perhaps Doctor
Glockenspiel might want to browse through L-ALad's public biography on
the Legion's website, and instead tried a different tack. "Tell you
what, instead of me calling him on the internal phone, how about you
use the building's public address system to challenge him to a fight
scene. That way you can be sure that he'll hear it and there aren't any
tricks involved."
"Very well," snarled Doctor Glockenspiel and snatched the micro-
phone from Fred's hands as he handed it over. "Attention! This... is
Doctor Glockenspiel!" he announced over the PA in the most bombastic
manner that he could manage. "I challenge the leader of the Legion of
Net.Heroes to one-on-one combat. You will meet me in the foyer within
the next sixty seconds or I will execute this pathetic wretch of a
receptionist!"
" eeep! " went Fred.
Limp-Asparagus Lad made it to the foyer in thirty-seven. As soon
as he'd heard Glockenspiel's threat he'd put down the forms he'd been
working on (and not without some relief) and used his flight.thingee
to arrive at full speed. He landed in the foyer a few paces from the
reception desk. "I am Limp-Asparagus Lad, pro tem leader of the Legion
of Net.Heroes. What do you want?"
"I am Doctor Glockenspiel!" proclaimed Doctor Glockenspiel, assuming
his dramatic pose anew. "I am here to CRUSH Ultimate Ninja, and thereby
cast the rest of the Legion's membership into DESPAIR!"
"Ultimate Ninja isn't here at the moment."
"Then when will he be back?"
"I do not know. He is on vacation and did not leave a contact
address. I'm afraid you will have to deal with me instead."
Doctor Glockenspiel looked at Limp-Asparagus Lad with distaste.
The net.hero didn't look like an appropriate leader for the much lauded
Legion. For goodness sake, he wasn't even in an appropriate stance of
readiness, prepared to sidestep Doctor Glockenspiel's well-nigh
inevitable attack! He was just *standing there*!
"Bah!" yelled Doctor Glockenspiel and pushed past Limp-Asparagus
Lad and further into the foyer and began staking around the fountain.
"Come out, Ultimate Ninja!" the villain yelled. "I know you're around
here, coward! Don't send out your lackeys to try and trick me!"
"Excuse me," said Limp-Asparagus Lad. "I do not appreciate the
implication that I am lying," he said sternly. "Ultimate Ninja is not
here. Nor is Fearless Leader, or any of the other interim leaders that
we have had and who have since vanished. If you insist on fighting the
leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes, then I am the person you are looking
for."
Doctor Glockenspiel gave him a contemptuous look and continued to
call out for the real Legion leader to make an appearance.
Meanwhile other members of the Legion had arrived, having heard
Glockenspiel's challenge and threat against Fred over the PA system. They
watched with curiosity as the apparent bad guy stalked around the foyer
yelling out to someone who they knew wasn't in the building. "Who is
this?" asked Sister-State-The-Obvious.
"This is Doctor Glockenspiel," said Limp-Asparagus Lad. "He wants
to fight the LNH leader."
"Have you $#*%in' well explained that you *are* the @#*$in' LNH
leader?" asked Innovative-Offense Boy, his tone implying that L-ALad may
have been careless enough not the have made this point clear.
"Yes, I have."
"Then he's obviously a fool," said Sister-State-The-Obvious. She
turned and departed to go back to her business in another part of the
building. Innovative-Offense Boy and the other Legionnaires sat down to
watch how Limp-Asparagus Lad would handle Doctor Glockenspiel, handing
around popcorn once they had taken their seats.
"Why do you call yourself Doctor Glockenspiel, anyway?" asked Limp-
Asparagus Lad during a brief lapse in the villain's yelling. "Were you
bitten by a radioactive glockenspiel? Did a glockenspiel fly through your
window one night while you were brooding over the brutal murder of your
parents?"
"No!" snapped Doctor Glockenspiel. "Nor was I rocketed away from
an exploding glockenspiel as a baby!" He struck yet another dramatic
pose - this one with his head turned to one side in profile and with one
clenched fist brought up against his chest above his heart - and said,
"One day I realised that all the truly great villains have names that
inspire awe and dread, and that eventually all of those names would be
used up. On that day, I vowed to take up the name of Doctor Glockenspiel.
DOC-tor GLOCK-enspiel," he repeated, as if savouring the almost
theatrical diction that he could put into the near rhyme.
"Then which supervillain were you before you decided to upgrade
your codename?"
Doctor Glockenspiel looked at him incredulously. "I was not a super-
villain at all," he explained, as if to a child.
"So you adopted a supervillainous identity purely because you liked
the name," said Limp-Asparagus Lad. He didn't dignify the notion with
the description 'because the name was impressive'.
"Bah! I would not expect you do-gooders to understand! And if
Ultimate Ninja is too COWARDLY to show himself," he called over his
shoulder back into the interior of the LNH-HQ, "then I'll just have to
destroy the whole building with him in it!" He stormed out of the foyer
and out onto Rackham Avenue.
"You know," said Convoluted Origin Man as he frowned into the now
empty popcorn box, "as someone who's suffered a lot from stupid origins,
I'd say that's one of the worst I've ever heard."
"Frickin' lame," agreed Master Blaster.
*****
It was much later. Approaching midnight in fact. Retcon Lad poked
his head around the door of the office were Limp-Asparagus Lad was
working on some files. "Hey there," Retcon Lad said.
Limp-Asparagus Lad looked up to see his cousin, and a few other
Legionnaires. "Hello. What brings you here?" He glanced at the clock.
"Ah. Hmm. A pity. I seem to be making no headway with this paperwork."
"Why are you setting so much store in even trying to finish off
this stuff?" asked Retcon Lad, exasperated.
"I have already explained my reasons. The LNH-HQ needs to be kept
running so that the people trying to find the answer to the mystery of
the disappearing leaders aren't distracted. And since I have no way of
knowing whether any of my successors will have the personality types to
ensure the normal running of the organisation, it's for the best that I
try do as much as I can now." He stacked some files and then put one of
the Ninja's katannas on top to weight it down. "Not that I was able to
do more than triage the worst of it. Bluntly, I think Ultimate Ninja
manages to run the Legion more with the inhuman stamina and willpower
that he can summon from his ninja training than from any sensible
administrative model, plus the fact that most people are too scared of
him to send him bills. He also seems to be too autocratic to delegate
properly." He looked around the half completed paperwork. "But enough of
that. How is the investigation going?"
"Not too #^@*+#in' good," admitted Innovative-Offense Boy. "Still
no breakthrough."
Limp-Asparagus Lad nodded. "I had been afraid of that."
"*You're* afraid?" said Ripping Dancer incredulously.
"Of course I am afraid," said Limp-Asparagus Lad. "Fear is a
perfectly sensible response to a unknown and potentially life threatening
situation. It can also be used as a tool, sharpening the perception and
helping to stave off complacency. It's only if the response to that fear
is cowardice that it is unaccep..."
And then it was midnight, and he was gone.
Character credits:
Convoluted Origin Man created by Badger (Matt Rossi) and not reserved.
Doctor Glockenspiel and Retcon Lad created by Saxon Brenton.
Innovative-Offense Boy created by uplink (John Scheibeler) and not
reserved.
John and Sally created by Descrii (Ian Porell) and Public Domain.
Limp-Asparagus Lad owned by Saxon Brenton. Created by Mystic Mongoose
(Robert Armstrong) and wReam (Ray Bingham (chaos and entropy incarnate)).
Master Blaster created by Martin Phips and not reserved.
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad and Ripping Dancer created by Arthur Spitzer.
Sarcastic Lad created by Gary St. Lawrence and not reserved.
Sister-State-The-Obvious created by wReam (Ray Bingham) and not reserved.
----------
Saxon Brenton University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
saxo... at uts.edu.au saxo... at hotmail.com
The Librarian "liked people who loved and respected books. And the best
way to do that, in the Librarian's opinion, was to leave them on the
shelves where Nature intended them to be." Terry Pratchett, _Men At Arms_
From: Jamas Enright <th... at eyrie.org>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #42: Infinite Leadership Crisis #7
Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2007 02:12:58 +0000 (UTC)
Infinite Leadership Crisis: Episode 7
April 7th.
Outside the LNHHQ, dramatically suitable dark clouds failed to roll over
head and block the currently sunny day. A limousine prowled through the
streets, and eventually turned onto Rackham Avenue. It rolled to a
discreet stop (or, at least, a discreet a stop as possible given the
gawping onlookers the shiny dark limousine could produce), and a young
man hurriedly stepped out of the front of the car, smoothing his suit as
he ran for the back car door on the other side.
Opening it, he stood back, allowed another suited figure to step
of the car. This new figure looked at the LNHHQ and then cackled quietly
(the young man struggled at this point not to back away hurriedly).
Removing the suit top, the figure revealed a spandex costume underneath.
Completely the clothing change, and after properly hanging the suit up
on a set of hangers held by the young man, the figure squared shoulders
and walked inside.
"Hey, has someone been playing silly-buggers with these paper slips?"
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad asked, peering suspiciously at the piece of
paper he had just pulled out of a hat.
"Why?"
"There are two names on here. I can't say I recognise the second
one, but the leader for today is Suddenly Exploding Boy!"
"Well, shucks. I'd just like to-" KABLAMMOO!
"Ah. Well, I guess that explains why there are two names then,"
said the dexterous paper puller, standing up from behind the bench he
had suddenly thrown himself. "Damn these one-shot jokes. But, has anyone
heard of Faq Boy?"
"That would be me," replied a man, walking into the cafeteria
room.
"Barry! Long time no see," Domestic Lad called out. "What's with
the new look?"
Faq Boy sighed. "No, not Barry. I'm Allen. He's my dimensional
twin." [Long story. Go read the series _Fan.Boy_ for some answers. -
Footnote Girl]
"So who are you and why should you be the leader then?"
"I'm Faq Boy, although I am considering changing that to Answer
Man. As you might be able to guess, I do have all the answers to
frequently asked questions. I-"
"So where are all our leaders gone then?"
"That's not a naturally occurring frequently asked question!"
Faq Boy replied, trying to suppress his natural frustration at having to
point out how FAQs worked. "You don't have new people turning up and
asking that question over a long period of time. In the future "What was
the Leadership Crisis about?" may become just such a faq, but until
then, it's basically just one on-going question."
"A bit cranky, aren't we?"
"Look, I'm the new leader now, so there'll be no more questions
like that!"
"Actually, I don't think we have agreed that you should be our
leader. In fact, I don't even remember you being an LNH member."
Faq Boy pulled out a faded ID card. "I joined a long time ago.
Haven't really stuck around, but it's still valid. And I was the
second-in-command back in my own universe of our LNH, so back off!"
"What about that leader then? Surely, they'd be a better
choice."
"The Roster King was a variant of Acton Lord and was killed by
meeting his Oddball counterpart," Faq Boy explained. [Yep, an even
longer story, but this one was in _World Tales Annual #2_ - Footnote
Girl] "So, no, probably not a good idea. And don't call me Shirley...
that joke doesn't work in text, does it?"
The gathered masses shook their head in unison.
"Well, never mind. I'm the leader, so until further notice, I'm
in charge." With that, Faq Boy turned and left the room.
After a pause, the comment was heard, "You know, it might sound
cruel, but right now I'm seeing this midnight disappearance as a good
thing..."
Faq Boy threw up his hands in disgust. Didn't anything get signed around
here? In Ultimate Ninja's office he had found the desk, several stacks
of paper and a spare katana, which he suspected was regularly used on
the stacks of paper. Faq Boy knew that the Roster King always managed to
stay on top of it, but somehow Faq Boy had missed those opportunities to
get involved himself and now he couldn't even find the day planner.
"Hey, leader, where do you want the owls?"
Faq Boy looked up to see Domestic Lad standing in the doorway.
"What? What owls?"
"Do you know what day it is today?"
"April 7th, 2007," replied Faq Boy automatically, being forced
by his nature to answer the frequently asked questions. "So?"
"It's World Health Day. You know 'Invest in health, build a
safer future'?"
"What does owls have to do with that?"
"The World Health Organisation? WHO? As in the sound an owl
makes?"
"Actually, it would be better described by more of a 'whoot',
but ornithologists don't necessarily reach agreement on... Wait a
minute, the Ultimate Ninja ordered a bunch of owls to celebrate Health
Day?"
"Actually, I think it was Sarcastic Lad, but he's not owning up
to it."
"We don't want any owls! Tell whoever it is to take them back!"
"They've already gone. That is, the delivery truck has already
gone, the owls are still here. Captain Cleanup and Squeaky Clean are in
there, but I can't tell if they are angry or ecstatic over the mess."
"How much of a mess can there be already?"
"We do already have an HQ full of Oozlefinches and kiwis. The
owls aren't happy."
"I'm beginning to see why Ultimate Ninja left. Is there a zoo
that can take them?"
"They came from the zoo, and they'll be back later to pick them
up, but in the mean time, where do you want me to put them?"
"Can the lawn hold them?"
"That's where they are right now."
"Then... leave them there."
"In the sun? They are night birds, you know."
"So are kiwis," Faq Boy pointed out. "You want to tell them
that?"
"Fine, fine. I'll just go put the banners up then."
Faq Boy was about to reply to that but Domestic Lad was already
gone. The katana was looking ever more attractive.
"Faq Boy, I've got a request from Cheesecake-Eater Lad to make his Lard
and Grease Cheesecake in honour of World Health Day."
"I refuse to even ask how he came up with that idea. Vetoed."
"Faq Boy, someone needs to sign these bills. And find some money to pay
these bills."
"I thought no-one dared present Ultimate Ninja with a bill?"
"Yeah, but he's not currently in charge."
"Aargh!"
"Faq Boy, Doctor Stomper has an idea on how to track down where the
leaders have all gone, but says it might lead to the destruction of
everything in the universe. Can he go ahead?"
"At this point, I'm all for it."
"Faq Boy, I... where are you going?"
Faq Boy strode past Squeaky Clean with barely a glance in his
direction. "I've had it with you people! If it's not a request to
rebuild the top floor, then it's notice of another alien invasion attack
or news that Frat Boy's popcorn machine has broken free and declaring
itself a sovereign state with all rights to be recognised!"
"Hey, that last one only happened twice."
"You want to know where your leaders are going? They're taking
off after being in charge of you lot for more than five minutes.
Frankly, I'm joining them. My limo is outside, and I'm taking off."
"I doubt that distance will be enough to get away from being the
leader. You'll still probably disappear."
"That's a chance I'm willing to take."
After the limousine departed, Squeaky Clean entered the cafeteria. "Who
had ten hours?"
New Look Lass waved her ticket and grinned.
"This is rather cruel," Domestic Lad chimed in. "He doesn't
deserve to disappear."
"Maybe not, but I'm betting your just jealous because you got
stuck with one hour."
"Yeah, well, those owls should have done it..."
"We're still no closer to finding out what is really going on,"
Doctor Stomper weighed in. "And now, our next leader we could have run
tests on has just left. Real helpful there."
With that, the cafeteria grew a little quieter... except for New
Look Lass counting her winnings.
--
Jamas Enright
Blog: http://jamasenright.blogspot.com
Homepage: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/
Blue Light Productions homepage: http://www.blue-light-productions.com/
==========
Next Week: More leaders! More disappearing -- Part V!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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