LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #70: Birth Of A Villain Part Ten

[Drew Perron]

Going way back to comment on more of the reposts I haven't commented on yet. :D

On 7/22/2018 4:22 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Returning to the Birth of a Villain cascade with #27 is Saxon
> Brenton again this time with the Answer Maniac to give us all
> the hot juicy scoop on the Maximus with the wReamicus.

There's so much useful info in this part, I love it

> And with #28 Jamie Rosen comes back.  Will the world remember
> Google-13?  Will I remember Google-13 after I type this down?

Did Google-13 ever reappear? I think I looked him up for the wiki and he hadn't. 
X3 Just so everyone knows, he's a parody of anime assassin Gogol 13, who was 
popular in the '80s and maybe '90s? I don't know much else about it.

> Written by Saxon Brenton
> Art by M*tt F**zle

I don't know why this artist, either. X3

>       wReamicus Maximus, Acolyte of Dvandom and master net.villain,
> rushed in through the door and slammed it closed behind him. Now safe,
> he straightened up, regained his breath, and smoothed back his hair.
> For a second a look of disgruntlement crossed his face. He wouldn't
> have had to have fled like that if he still had the powers of wRift.
> Or even of Perverticator.

wReamicus is a fun villain - he's kind of like Doctor Doom, in terms of being a 
relatively mundane type who often gets enormous cosmic power, but unlike Doom 
he's just... kind of a petty jackass. (Which is not to say that Doom is *not* a 
petty jackass, but he pretends not to be, at least.)

>       Then he looked around with satisfaction at the tesseracted base
> that he had secretly set up as a bolt hole in case of emergency.

Useful!

>       (After all, wReamicus had intended all along to betray Father
> Brown by goading him into doing something foolish, so it was beyond
> wReamicus' comprehension that Father Brown might not been intending
> to betray him in return. Such is bad guy psychology.)

Truth. It's much easier to do to the other guy when you assume they'd do it first.

>       She sighed and asked, "Why are you vexed, wReamicus Maximus?"
>       "Ha! Wouldn't you like to know, of perfidious creation of a False
> Writer other than The One True Dvandom!"
>       Fourth Wall Lass massaged the bridge of her nose and then said
> to him, "wReamicus, you're an F-wit."

Heeheehee I love this :3

>       "SHUT UP!  I'm going to explain this to you only once, so pay
> attention. You are a net.villain who has just suffered a setback and
> have retreated to regain control of the situation. As a net.villain
> who has suffered a setback and has retreated to regain control of the
> situation, you need to not just implement a Cunning Plan to carry this
> out, but you also need to exposit your plan to demonstrate how Cunning
> and Evil you are, and generally show that you are a force to be
> reckoned with. At the moment you don't have any of your usual minions
> from the Church of Dvandom around to ask the sort of leading questions
> that you can use as a starting point for a good old-fashioned super-
> villainous Dramatic Monologue. You only have me, and some of those
> left-over Space Dvandoms that you tricked Father Brown into using. The
> Space Dvandoms are a pretty servile bunch, and to be honest the only
> type of supervillainous rants that they are good for provoking are the
> 'Why am I surrounded by *fools*!?' routine. If you want to try and
> regain some credibility with the readers as a Major Threat, you've got
> to rant your expositionary dialogue at me. Now I admit that for me
> it's only been about a day and a half since the start of the whole
> 'Where On Earth Is Carmen SanFrancisco' storyline over in _Writers
> Block Woman (and Mouse)_, but I haven't had any sleep in that time and
> I'm about to drop off. If you want to begin a good exposition, you're
> going to have to do it now before I go sleepy-bo-bos."

I love this entire rant *so much*. X3 <3 <3 <3 It's Saxon combining the 
metafictionality with super powerful salty snark.

>       wReamicus Maximus threw her a sour look, then gave in and
> declaimed, "I am vexed, Fourth Wall Lass."
>       "Why are you vexed, o wReamicus Maximus?" she asked, in the sing-
> song type of voice that a vaudeville straight man would use.

*cackles* Salty FWL is so fun

>       wReamicus Maximus paused for a second as a thought occurred to
> him. Perhaps he could trick the Legion into giving Tsar Chasm
> membership. That would almost certainly compromise Tsar Chasm's
> effectiveness. Even honorary membership would do.

Heeheeheehee

> Unfortunately the Church of the Fourth Wall's obsessive
> desires to achieve order by sealing off the Looniverse is, at least in
> principle, at odds with my desire for chaos in all forms."
>       Fourth Wall Lass nodded. "I remember how you proceeded with
> Retcon Hour. Creating all those alt.timelines and such. You got rid of
> them in the end, but only after they'd served your needs."
>       wReamicus bowed. "Just so.

He's a very cascade-y villain.

>       "You're a frothing madman."
>       "Perhaps," admitted wReamicus. "As you say, this plan may be just
> the rantings of a madman..." Then he stopped. He'd lost his train of
> thought again. This sort of thing happened to him a lot, but
> fortunately it usually occurred when it looked like he was pausing
> dramatically. What had he been saying? Something about his plan being
> nothing but the rantings of a madman. That was no good; he said that
> sort of thing all the time...

Heeheehee X3

(Also, srs ADHD feels)

> On the other hand, your presence was
> enough to bring Father Brown to the verge of abandoning any attempts
> to summon a Writer at all until after you had been captured."
>       "Is that why you spirited me away and stuffed me in this vacuum
> tube?" Then she yawned. "Oh. Excuse me."
>       "Of course. It wasn't because the group that you were with was
> running any risk of *getting anything done*!

Heeheeheehee :3

> In any case, I burned out
> a quite substantial piece of Plot Devicium in order to bring you here
> and wipe out the memory of your presence in everybody who you have
> most recently been interacting with.

Don't mind me, just filling some plot holes...

>       "After using up so much Plot Devicium I am low on immediately
> available resources and options. I will need time to summon help from
> the Church of Dvandom. You, Fourth Wall Lass, proved to be a
> distraction to Father Brown once before. I am sure that I can use you
> so to do just the same thing again..."
>       Unfortunately wReamicus' sinister leer was lost on FWLass, since
> she had finally fallen asleep.
>       wReamicus pouted, then turned away to make preparations.

Bwahaha. X3 I love that ending so much.
>       His mood was subdued. As normal, the Legion wasn't doing very
> well. They weren't actually failing, but all too typically squabbling
> they were among themselves and allowing themselves to be distracted
> and be dumped into other time periods.
>       At times it was an embarrassment to know that one lived in a
> world that needed defending by heroes like that.

I mean, we're all heroes like that, flawed and distractable. But we do the right 
thing anyway, and that's what counts.

>       The door to his office opened. He turned, expecting to see his
> secretary, Ms Cliched Evil But Buxom Vixen arriving with more reports.
> Instead, he found a red headed girl of about thirteen years old
> striding imperiously in. She paused, looked around with the haughty
> manner of someone who simply *knows* that the sun shines out of them,
> and announced, "I claim this building as my own. You will serve me,
> or die."

Yaaaaaaaay Merissa! <3 <3 <3

>       The two guards of the Mysterious Chairman moved forward. The
> girl had no difficulty sidestepping their advance, then driving her
> fist into the chest of one of them and tearing out his still beating
> heart.

Gosh this part is violent.

>       "Melissa no longer! I am Merissa! Heir to the throne of Fribble,
> Lord High Muck-a-muck of the Kid's Crew program, Bearer of the Sacred
> Chalice of Ryxx, Eternal Nemesis of Flipseid, Time Lord President
> elect, Sun of the Son, and holder of the best Kobayashi Maru score
> *ever*! On your knees before me, worm!"
>       Normally the Mysterious Chairman would have been simultaneously
> amused by her ludicrous claims to significance and annoyed by her
> presumption - a combination that would have given her a life
> expectancy measured in minutes. Now, however, he felt an overwhelming
> need to grovel before her. But even as he did so he was analysing his
> predicament and guessing that the little minx must be broadcasting
> some sort of telepathic compulsion.

There's been a lot of digital ink spilled on how may of the things associated 
with "Mary Sues" are good actually, and how male author inserts don't get the 
same kind of over-the-top reactions. But honestly I'm just enjoying her taking 
this dick down.

>       The Mysterious Chairman was taken aback by how quickly his
> demesne had been overrun. Part of him seethed in impotent rage. But
> another part, a more coldly analytical part, had grimly come to the
> conclusion that in order to force this sort of incompetency onto
> others, that Merissa's psi power had to be telepathetic rather than
> telepathic in nature.

Or maybe you just suck >:D

> Her voice had been steadily
> rising through this monologue, and now she was ranting outright.
> "This world and all the worlds adjacent to it will tremble before me!
> The cosmic entities of the Net will be my servants, and Constellation
> and Tempest and Mike Nelson will be my concubines! All time and space
> will be mine!"

Big mood

>       And there were still other Melissa's out there - some of them
> still true to their original parameters, some of them as deranged as
> Merissa had been. (Even as he stood looking out at the city he could
> see a fifty foot tall Melissa clone rampaging through the campus of
> Dave Thomas Deluxe University.)

I love that Jamie just straight picked up on this. X3

> Story 3: "Ask The Answer Maniac: Who Is... wReamicus Maximus?"

This whole part was just yoinked out and put into his wiki page, so, thank you 
again, Saxon~

> IS THAT SLEEP REALLY FROM EXHAUSTION, OR IS IT THE
> ONSET OF LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE?

Oh yeah that's a thing in this plot

> WILL SOMEBODY - ANYBODY - WRITE AN EPISODE THAT
> ACTUALLY *ADVANCES* THE PLOT?

The curse of cascades. X3

>    The bullet train to Net.ropolis had been stalled in its tracks for
> well over half an hour, and the passengers were starting to get
> restless. The dining car -- more of a fast food car, really -- had
> shut down the minute there had been a sign of a delay, adding to the
> collective consternation of the customers.

Most train dining cars I've been on seem to be like that.
>    A harried-looking conductor approached her seat. "We're terribly
> sorry, ma'am, but there appears to be a giant female of just under
> seventeen yards in height attacking the city."
>    "I see," Belinda said, sitting down and adjusting her foot-wide
> sunglasses. "Well, I suppose I can't blame the train company for the
> attack of the fifty foot woman."

Heeheehee

>    On a rooftop somewhere in this sprawling Net.ropolis, a hero in
> a white jacket and black jeans awaited his final battle.
>    He had been waiting for some time. He checked his watch. He checked
> his daybook. He checked his nephew's history textbook.
>    Had it really been so long?

Heeheehee

>    In another time, another place, somewhere on the other side of the
> tenuous structure that separates all realities and existences,

Jamie has such good narration. X3

>    "Ah, there's nothing like a professional development day to really
> bring out the taste of a good pizza," Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad said,
> taking a bite out of a pineapple and broccoli pizza.
>    "Most definitely," the Expendable Man agreed as he bit into his
> triple-cheese, stuffed-crust pepperoni, bacon and ham pizza with extra
> cheese.

These both sound great.

>    "Well," Pedestrian Girl said, "it's nice not having Lewd Lad and
> Straitlace Lass around. A lot quieter."

Huh. I'm not sure what to think about that. X3

>    "Here, let me help you," Pedestrian Girl said, pushing her chair
> back. But before she could reach her team-mate, her whole body started
> to tingle. "Oh no! Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad, don't--"
>    Her voice was cut off as the trio was whisked through time, space,
> and imprints. Luckily for Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad, the pizza in his
> throat was left behind.

That's an amazing power, TBH.

>    Google-13 didn't know where they came from, but the costumed
> individuals that fell out of the sky had almost landed on him. People
> in costumes almost landing on him was not a part of heroing that he
> had particularly missed during his time of waiting.

Heeheehee

>    "Look, whoever you are," Pedestrian Girl said, careful to remain
> absolutely motionless, "please don't shoot us. We're not Net.Heroes,
> whatever those are. Like I said, we seem to have been accidentally
> transported to your dimension, and as soon as our friend here wakes
> up, we'll be on our way."

You definitely are, tho~

>    "Your friend doesn't look so good," Google-13 said, putting his
> cigarette out on his arm and starting another one.
>    "No need to get personal," the Expendable Man said. "And you're no
> Robert Goulet yourself."

Heeheehee

>    "Sure thing," Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad said. Closing his eyes, he
> concentrated on sending himself and his two friends home. A
> cell-phone and two hymn books fell into his lap. "Um. Maybe not."

X3

>    "I don't believe it!" Father Brown said, momentarily distracted from
> the assault of former President Taft (wockachika-wockachika) on his
> Church. "Another breaching of the fourth wall... and look at the
> reading! It's off the charts!" He looked around desperately -- it was
> times like this that really cried out for throwing things at people.
> "This is the most dangerous time of all for the Church of the Fourth
> Wall. If this keeps up, the very wall itself could be... demolished!"

Bwahaha.

>    Google-13 holstered his sidearm and jumped down from his perch on
> the water tower. "I don't know about you three," he said, opening a
> fresh pack of smokes, "but I'm going to go fight *that*." He pointed
> toward the 600-inch Melissa that was menacing a portion of downtown
> Net.ropolis.
>    The three costumed individuals exchanged glances. "Why not?" the
> Expendable Man said.

That's how we know you're net.heroes

>    "No, wait." the Expendable Man said. "Come on, guys. We have to do
> *something* while we're here." Without waiting for a reply, he jumped
> into the passenger side of the car. "Shotgun!" he called.

Heehee

>    "Same thing we always do," Google-13 said. "We fight."
>    As the tight-lipped hero scaled the fire escape to the top of the
> building beside them, Pedestrian Girl turned to her companions.
>    "What does he mean, 'always'?"

I love how much overboiledness Jamie is putting in here. X3

> A swipe of her hand sent the Expendable
> Man flying backwards and down, down, down to the concrete below.
>    At least, it would have if there hadn't been a couple of thieves
> trying to steal a mattress from the apartment below them.

Is his schtick repeatedly almost dying? Because I'm into it

>    "What?!" Pedestrian Girl walked sternly over to the ruthless hero.
> "You carry eight packs of cigarettes and only one clip of ammunition?"
>    "I don't need any more," Google-13 said, discarding his tube of
> death and lighting up another.
>    "Well you do *now*!"

This is what happens when someone built for street-level tries to fight a giant 
monster. X3

>    "Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad!" she cried, hoping to be heard over
> the MegaLissa's screams of rage -- at least a cigarette in the hair
> was bad no matter what size you were. "Try to steal the author's Fig
> Newton."
>    "What?" Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad shouted back, almost dropping the
> Expendable Man.
>    "Try to steal the author's Fig Newton. For Google-13."
>    Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad shrugged and closed his eyes just as the
> Expendable Man climbed up to join him. Suddenly, the air above
> Google-13 began to blur, shimmer, shake, and rattle... and then a
> large firearm fell in his hands.
>    "What's this?" Google-13 asked.
>    "A big new gun," Pedestrian Girl explained, pleased with herself.

Heeheeheehee. X3 I love it.

>    The conductor made sure to position himself at the front of the
> train car before making his announcement. "Attention, passengers," he
> said. "We are happy to announce that the really rather tall woman
> whose mad rampage through the streets of Net.ropolis had stopped this
> train dead in its track has been defeated."
>    "HOORAY!"
>    The conductor took a breath. "Unfortunately, we regret to inform you
> that the track is currently blocked by the body of a quite towering
> redhaired woman, and that we will be unable to move forward until city
> officials come and remove said impediment. Thank you."
>    "BOOOOO!"

*cackles*

> IF GOOGLE-13'S BEEN AROUND SINCE 1984, HOWCUM WE NEVER HEARD OF
> HIM BEFORE?

And also, why haven't we heard of him since

> Author's Note: If you really want to be confused, try reading this
> series in reverse order.

I-- yes.

Drew "not gonna argue" Perron