LNHY: The Death of Trophy Wife #9 -- 'Goodbye, LNHY'
pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Mar 18 13:16:11 PDT 2019
On 3/17/2019 5:19 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Issue Nine: 'Goodbye, LNHY' by Arthur Spitzer
OMG <3 <3 <3 THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY. :D Even if it's your last one, that you
jumped in makes me. Sohappy.
> Kid Kicked Out looked at the white cloth that he was
> clutching against his stomach that kept getting redder and
> redder. "Aw, man. This is not good!" And he sighed.
> "This is how it ends, isn't it?"
> <:It's going to be okay,:> said the New LNH Member Detector
> floating above Kid Kicked Out trying to comfort him. They
> were in some kind of a tool shed that was very dusty.
> Cobwebs covered everything. <:We're going to get out of
> this. Get you patched up.:>
Holy shit. <3 <3 <3 This is AMAZING. It absolutely wrecks the plans I had and I
love it. :D
> <:Okay. Look. I've made a few mistakes. Is there some
> stuff, I wish I could take back? Sure. Maybe allying
> myself with the First Wondersock wasn't the best move.:>
> "Maybe? Maybe?!"
X3 <3 <3 <3
> <:But I'm here with you right now. I'm not with
> Exclamation!Missy!'s vast army of darkness. In the end, I
> made the right choice. That's got to count for something,
> right? I mean sure I made some bad judgments. And maybe
> people got hurt. And maybe some of those people died.
> But. There's got to be a path to redemption, right? I
> mean we don't really want to live in such an unforgiving
> world where there's no path of redemption for a New LNH
> Member Detector? Right?:>
I FUCKING AGREE. :D
> Outside the toolshed in the center of a big courtyard, a
> number of Bolivian soldiers up above on the balcony of the
> surrounding building readied their rifles. Some were
> already aiming at the toolshed where Kid Kicked Out and the
> New LNH Member Detector were holed up and some were running
> up and down to see if they could get into a better
> Outside even that building, an even vaster army surrounded.
> There were chainsaw wielding maniacs, Satanists, Nazis,
> vampires, bankers, zombies, werewolves, bikers for Trump,
> cultists, vegans, wondersocks, and all kinds of other nasty
> folk. The huge hulking presence of Hipster H Hippo banged
> on his bongo drums. And by him danced Billy and Sally in
> their new duds made from the skin and fur of Dr. Cool J
> And above them all floated Exclamation!Missy! next to a
> full blood moon, her fingers crackling with Exclamation
Holy shit. :D That's amazing. An army of darkness!
> "Man, is someone playing a bongo drum?"
> <:Bolivians love their bongo drums.:>
D... do they? X3
> "Wish I had my powers. Wouldn't be dying right now. Would
> just feel pain. Funny that I don't feel any pain right
awwwwwwww ;.; Kid Kicked-Out ;.;
> Wonder how Buxom's doing? Think she's still alive?"
> <:Yeah. She's a fighter. She's still alive.:>
> "Wish I had just asked her out one time. Maybe we could've
> gone on a date and.."
> <:Actually, I'm pretty sure you asked her out a number of
> times. And she rejected you every single time.:>
> "Goddammit! I'm dying here! You could at least tell me
> some lies.."
> <:You're not dying. We're going to get out of this.
Oh no it keeps beautifully emotionally whiplashing ;;;.;;;
> <:Yeah. We can start all over. Do it right this time. It
> won't be about the ego. It won't be about the money. It
> won't be about the coke orgies..:>
> "Coke orgies? Wait, what coke orgies?"
> <:Oh, that's right. The coke orgies happened after we
> kicked you out. Don't worry, it wasn't all that great.
> Just a bunch of naked humans having sex and doing drugs.
> Very boring stuff. You didn't miss much.:>
> "Jesus," said Kid Kicked Out biting his lip.
OMG. X3 I'm just imagining Exclamation!Master! being carefully shephered out
beforehand with Princess Robot...
> <:But this time it will be about doing good. Helping
> people. Saving old ladies. Saving orphans. Saving
> puppies. That sort of thing. We're going to do it right
> this time.:>
> "I don't know. Don't think I want to be a superhero
> anymore. Just want a simple life. An ordinary life."
> <:We can do that too. Get some new identities. Get a bait
> and tackle shop in Montana by some lake. We can disappear
> "Well, I don't know about a bait and tackle shop. I was
> thinking more along the lines of like a strip club. I mean
> it could be in Montana."
> <:Okay. A strip club in Montana. That works. We've got a
This is better than any meandering conversation Quentin Tarantino has ever
written, I'll tell you that.
> "Yeah. Think so." Kid Kicked Out took his hand off the
> bloody rag he was holding. He grabbed a gun and shoved a
> cartridge into it and then did the same to another gun.
> "Oh, Jesus. Just had this horrible thought. This all
> feels like the ending of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance
> Kid. Why do we have fucking horses? Why are we in fucking
Ohhhhh, I see. X3 <3
> "Yeah. Let's do this!" And with that, Kid Kicked Out gave
> the tool shed door a hard kick opening it all the way up.
> And then both he and the New LNH Member Detector bounded
> out of the shed with guns a blazing. And time froze.
> Time froze and then time became like some old black and
> white photo. And the only sound behind this photo was the
> sound of gunfire.
> And then the credits rolled.
DAMN :D :D :D I am absolutely going to do something with this!!!
> Title logo by Drew Perron (maybe?)
Totally <3 <3 <3
> Writer's Notes: Well, that's done with. Of course maybe
> some Deus ex Machina rescues Kid Kicked Out and the New LNH
> Member Detector before their grisly demise. If you want to
> write that story you're welcome to that.
I'm absolutely going to do something with it. :D :D :D (For one thing, I have,
like... four half-written issues of Death of Trophy Wife X3)
> That being said, this is it for me. Whatever depraved
> goofiness I had for the LNHY, I now channel totally into my
> webcomics. That's probably when the LNHY days were truly
> numbered when I first made Ripping Off King Arthur. And
> other stuff like Martin burning all his bridges with RACC
> also probably didn't help.
That's entirely fair. :> Honestly, I'm so happy you made it in the first place;
it didn't really become The New LNH, but it became its own weird, self-contained
ecosystem for weird, off-kilter stories.
> I kind of wish this imprint could survive without me
> writing and I suppose in some ways it has survived a bit.
> But, yeah, this is probably it for LNHY.
I'm absolutely going to finish out Death of Trophy Wife, and if it becomes the
final LNHY story, it'll at least be a good ending. <3
Drew "and hopefully go back and backfill some of those Looniverse Y issues I
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