LNHY: The Death of Trophy Wife #9 -- 'Goodbye, LNHY'
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Mar 17 14:19:19 PDT 2019
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Issue Nine: 'Goodbye, LNHY' by Arthur Spitzer
Kid Kicked Out looked at the white cloth that he was
clutching against his stomach that kept getting redder and
redder. "Aw, man. This is not good!" And he sighed.
"This is how it ends, isn't it?"
<:It's going to be okay,:> said the New LNH Member Detector
floating above Kid Kicked Out trying to comfort him. They
were in some kind of a tool shed that was very dusty.
Cobwebs covered everything. <:We're going to get out of
this. Get you patched up.:>
"This is all your fault," Kid Kicked Out said glaring at
the New LNH Detector. "I shouldn't be here -- I should
<:Sometimes you need to betray the LNH to save the LNH..:>
"Jesus! Do you ever even listen to yourself?"
<:Okay. Look. I've made a few mistakes. Is there some
stuff, I wish I could take back? Sure. Maybe allying
myself with the First Wondersock wasn't the best move.:>
<:But I'm here with you right now. I'm not with
Exclamation!Missy!'s vast army of darkness. In the end, I
made the right choice. That's got to count for something,
right? I mean sure I made some bad judgments. And maybe
people got hurt. And maybe some of those people died.
But. There's got to be a path to redemption, right? I
mean we don't really want to live in such an unforgiving
world where there's no path of redemption for a New LNH
Member Detector? Right?:>
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever," said Kid Kicked Out looking
at the very soaked red cloth he was holding.
Outside the toolshed in the center of a big courtyard, a
number of Bolivian soldiers up above on the balcony of the
surrounding building readied their rifles. Some were
already aiming at the toolshed where Kid Kicked Out and the
New LNH Member Detector were holed up and some were running
up and down to see if they could get into a better
Outside even that building, an even vaster army surrounded.
There were chainsaw wielding maniacs, Satanists, Nazis,
vampires, bankers, zombies, werewolves, bikers for Trump,
cultists, vegans, wondersocks, and all kinds of other nasty
folk. The huge hulking presence of Hipster H Hippo banged
on his bongo drums. And by him danced Billy and Sally in
their new duds made from the skin and fur of Dr. Cool J
And above them all floated Exclamation!Missy! next to a
full blood moon, her fingers crackling with Exclamation
And they all waited. Including the Death of Kid Kicked Out
and the Death of the New LNH Member Detector who also
They all waited.
"Man, is someone playing a bongo drum?"
<:Bolivians love their bongo drums.:>
"Wish I had my powers. Wouldn't be dying right now. Would
just feel pain. Funny that I don't feel any pain right
now. Wonder how Buxom's doing? Think she's still alive?"
<:Yeah. She's a fighter. She's still alive.:>
"Wish I had just asked her out one time. Maybe we could've
gone on a date and.."
<:Actually, I'm pretty sure you asked her out a number of
times. And she rejected you every single time.:>
"Goddammit! I'm dying here! You could at least tell me
<:You're not dying. We're going to get out of this. Sneak
out of here. Those Bolivians are notorious bad shots. And
we'll get to the horses. Then we'll ride somewhere, get
you patched up. And then I've got this contact -- he'll
get us out of this Looniverse into a different one. One
called Looniverse YY! We'll start a new life there.:>
<:Yeah. We can start all over. Do it right this time. It
won't be about the ego. It won't be about the money. It
won't be about the coke orgies..:>
"Coke orgies? Wait, what coke orgies?"
<:Oh, that's right. The coke orgies happened after we
kicked you out. Don't worry, it wasn't all that great.
Just a bunch of naked humans having sex and doing drugs.
Very boring stuff. You didn't miss much.:>
"Jesus," said Kid Kicked Out biting his lip.
<:But this time it will be about doing good. Helping
people. Saving old ladies. Saving orphans. Saving
puppies. That sort of thing. We're going to do it right
"I don't know. Don't think I want to be a superhero
anymore. Just want a simple life. An ordinary life."
<:We can do that too. Get some new identities. Get a bait
and tackle shop in Montana by some lake. We can disappear
"Well, I don't know about a bait and tackle shop. I was
thinking more along the lines of like a strip club. I mean
it could be in Montana."
<:Okay. A strip club in Montana. That works. We've got a
plan. Now we just need to get out of here without dying.
Can you stand up?:>
"Yeah. Think so." Kid Kicked Out took his hand off the
bloody rag he was holding. He grabbed a gun and shoved a
cartridge into it and then did the same to another gun.
"Oh, Jesus. Just had this horrible thought. This all
feels like the ending of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance
Kid. Why do we have fucking horses? Why are we in fucking
<:No, Kid Kicked Out. There's no way an LNHY Writer would
ever do something as shameless and as hacky as ripoff the
ending to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. That would
never happen. Not in a million years.:>
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Kid Kicked Out winced as he
started to rise up. "Oh, man." He unlocked the safeties
on both guns.
<:Are you ready?:>
"Yeah. Let's do this!" And with that, Kid Kicked Out gave
the tool shed door a hard kick opening it all the way up.
And then both he and the New LNH Member Detector bounded
out of the shed with guns a blazing. And time froze.
Time froze and then time became like some old black and
white photo. And the only sound behind this photo was the
sound of gunfire.
And then the credits rolled.
Kid Kicked Out, The New LNH Member Detector, Hipster H
Hippo, Billy, Sally, and Exclamation!Missy! are mine.
The Death of Trophy Wife is by Tom Russell, Jeanne
Morningstar, Drew Perron, and Arthur Spitzer.
Title logo by Drew Perron (maybe?)
Writer's Notes: Well, that's done with. Of course maybe
some Deus ex Machina rescues Kid Kicked Out and the New LNH
Member Detector before their grisly demise. If you want to
write that story you're welcome to that. I mean the LNHY
Imprint will still exist for anyone to write some more
That being said, this is it for me. Whatever depraved
goofiness I had for the LNHY, I now channel totally into my
webcomics. That's probably when the LNHY days were truly
numbered when I first made Ripping Off King Arthur. And
other stuff like Martin burning all his bridges with RACC
also probably didn't help.
I kind of wish this imprint could survive without me
writing and I suppose in some ways it has survived a bit.
But, yeah, this is probably it for LNHY. So thanks to all
the people who wrote stuff for it. Thanks to Saxon,
Martin, Drew, Jeanne, and Tom.
Arthur "Goodbye, LNHY.." Spitzer
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