LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #114: LNH vII #2 and 3

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Jul 28 14:11:12 PDT 2019

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the second and third issue of LNH volume II.

For LNH vII #2 Jamie Rosen returns.  Will the cows go moo?  Will Ape
indeed be Enough?

And #3 we have a Martin Phipps story.  It's a CSI parody story.  Did
Prime Suspect Lad murder Murder Victim Lad or will there be a twist?

Find that out in...

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #114

                     LNH vII #2 and 3

From: "Jamie Rosen" <jamie.rosen at sunlife.com>
Subject: [LNH] The Legion of Net.Heroes, volume 2 #2
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 24 Apr 2005 02:06:10 -0000

___  ___________________________
| |-|                           \
| |-| []                        /
| | | [] egion of               \
| | | []__ [] []   []  []       /  #2
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes  \  "Ape Is Enough"
| | |      []\ ]   [ __ ]       /
| |-|      [] []   []  []       \
| |-|___________________________/
| |
| | (The cover shows the streets of Net.Ropolis
| | besieged by simians in civvies. Banana peels
| | are strewn about, and a rather motley crue -
| | er, crew - is looking on: aLLiterative Lass,
| | Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy,
| | Bad-Timing Boy, and a giant cow. In the
| | background, Captain Clean-Up, wielding a
|_| mop, is muttering "Damn dirty apes...")

On the day that the entire populace of Net.Ropolis was turned into
monkeys, three members of the LNH were on a mission to the Midwest.

"So she should be around here somewhere, right?"

"Completely CorreCt, Comrade," aLLiterative Lass affirmed, surveying
the pasture. "Cows Can't be Comprehensively Concealed. Let's Look

aLLiterative Lass, Bad-Timing Boy, and
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialoge Boy split up to search the field, but
still found nothing. As the clouds overhead gathered and rain
threatened, it seemed that their quest was in vain.

"Let's go inside." The others nodded, and headed for the barn, as it
was closer than the flight.thingee they had taken. "I wish we hadn't
gotten this assignment."

"Someone muSt Say the Sorrowful Stuff."

Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy nodded somberly.

The inside of the barn was, appropriately enough, full of cows. Cows go

"Moo," went the cows.

Moo, cows, moo.

"Well, it figures they'd be in here."

"Certainly Seems SenSible," aLLiterative Lass agreed. "Sandra?"

"Moo?" replied one particular cow.

"We're from the Legion of Net.Heroes."

"Moo!" The cow extricated herself from the herd and came to join them.

Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy searched for words.

"We're Sorry," aLLiterative Lass admitted, "your SiSter is deCeaSed."


Bad-Timing Boy snickered.

"Do you Find something Funny about Familial Fatality, Friend?" aLLie
asked, turning to him.

Bad-Timing Boy shook his head. "No -- I was just remembering the time
Typo Lad and Frat Boy got into an argument and nobody could light a
match near Frat Boy for a week." He looked sheepish, which wasn't
entirely out of place in a barn. "Sorry."

"Anyway, Sandra, we would be honoured if you would accompany us back to
Net.Ropolis to wrap up your sister's affairs."

"moo," Sandra replied, her head hanging low.


As the three Net.Heroes and the sister to the late Giant Wandering Cow
Kid flew into Net.Ropolis in their flight.thingee, they immediately
noticed that something was wrong. Maybe it was the strange lack of
traffic; maybe it was the garbage and litter in the streets; maybe it
was the hordes of monkeys in human clothing swarming throughout the

"Many, Many Monkeys..." aLLiterative Lass announced.

"I see that... I wonder what's going on?"

aLLiterative Lass Landed -- er, landed the flight.thingee in a hanger
at the LNHHQ and the crew disembarked and headed into the HQ proper.

"Anyone know what's going on?"

In answer to the question, a monkey in a nija outfit leapt from the
shadows, shrieking wildly, and flung its feces at
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy just as Bad-Timing Boy stepped
in the way.

"Oh... great..." B-T Boy muttered, looking down at his shirt. "New Look
Lass is gonna *kill* me..."

"We should investigate."

"Absolutely," aLLie agreed.

"Moo," went the cow.

The two Net.Heroes and their bovine companion went in search of Doctor
Stomper's office while Bad-Timing Boy went in search of a clean shirt
and a laundry machine. They made their way down several hallways,
avoiding half-eaten bananas and empty banana peels as they went, until
they were at his door.

"Doctor Stomper? Doc?"

No answer was forthcoming.

"Let's Look inside." aLLiterative Lass opened the door, and saw that
the office was empty. On his computer monitor, however, was a looped
piece of footage, obviously shot in the office.

"Everyone seems to be affected," the recorded Doctor Stomper was
saying. "Perhaps an airborne virus, or some sort of mutagenic ray...
I've been reduced to asking Theory Man and Adamant Authority on
Everything to assist me, as the rest of the Legion has been
incapacitated by this apewave... Only, I fear it may be too late.
Already, I can feel the onset of the condition in myself -- the
strengthening of my simian self. I can only hope we have enough
tiiIIIIII-IIEIEE-IEEEIE!" The trio watched in terror as Doctor Stomper
transformed into a monkey before their eyes and went bounding about the
office before escaping into the air duct. After a brief moment, the
footage looped back to the beginning again, and
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy shut off the monitor.

"It seems we were too late."

"Too True," aLLiterative Lass Lamented. "iT's Terrible.

"I wonder... if the whole city has been affected almost simultaneously,
that's rather suspicious, isn't it? It's the sort of thing a
Net.Villain would arrange."

"It Certainly Seems So."

"Well, if there's one thing I've learned in my years with the Legion,
it's that implicit in every Net.Villain plot is the way to foil it. So
all we need to do is determine who the Net.Villain behind this is and
what his -- or her -- plot entails, and we'll be able to sort out a way
around it. Right?"

"Seems Sensible... Sorta."


"wHo Hates Heroes, Loves Lemurs, and Admires Apes?" aLLiterative Lass
asked, her hand to her chin. "THink THink THink."

"Gorilla Grad?"

"No, No, Not him," aLLiterative Lass answered. "He's a kNown Net.hero."

"True. Hmm..."

"Moo?" lowed Sandra inquisitively.

"Of course! It's--"

Unfortunately, before whatever brainstorm had struck
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy could be disclosed, Bad Timing
Boy flung open the door, which struck his teammate square in the face
and knocked him to floor, unconscious.

"Found a clean shirt," Bad Timing Boy announced, then noticed the
slumped and bloody-nosed form of NGCFHD Boy. "What happened to him?"

"You, You Yahoo." aLLiterative Lass knelt beside her fallen teammate
and roused him.


"Not Nearly!"

"Oh... oh, sorry, aLLie. I was having the strangest dream."

"Apology Accepted. Now, you Nearly aNNouNced the Name of our

"I did?"

aLLie nodded.

"Hmm... Can't remember what I was going to say."

aLLiterative Lass's face fell. "Darn Doors." She turned to give
Bad-Timing Boy a piece of her mind, but before she could do so, he let
out a terrified -- and somewhat girlish -- scream.



Backing up, he pointed at the far side of the room, where a second door
had opened and a few menacing monkeys had entered. aLLiterative Lass
and a somewhat groggy Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy got back
to their feet, eyeing the sinister simians.

"My goodness! Multi-Tasking Monkey! Linguist Lemur! Bandwagon Baboon!
Token Gorilla!"

aLLie nodded once more. "An Awful Assortment of Apes!"

"Moo," added Sandra.

Linguist Lemur stepped forward. "You're not such a pretty sight
yourself, folks."

The three Net.Heroes and accompanying cow blinked in unison.

"Oh, yes, I can speak," Linguist Lemur went on. "It's sort of my power,
you know." She rolled her eyes and picked a flea out of her fur. "And
I'm sure I speak for my fellow primates when I say: We've had enough of

Bandwagon Baboon and Token Gorilla nodded, while Multi-Tasking Man
peeled a banana, climbed the bookshelf, and nodded simultaneously.

"How can we Help?" aLLiterative Lass asked. "How did this Happen?"

Linguist Lemur frowned. "We're not sure. One moment, we were sitting
there, waiting to sample Cheesecake-Eater Lad's new banana-nut
cheesecake, and the next... *poof*."


She nodded. "Poof."

"Peculiar and Perturbing," aLLie observed.

At this point, everyone just sort of stood around and looked at one
another, completely at a loss for what they should do next or how to
solve the problem they found themselves confronted with. Time passed.
The clock on the wall ticked away second after second. Somewhere else
in the LNHHQ, a faucet steadily dripped. Drip. Drip. Drip. Dust
settled. A patch of wet paint dried. Clouds moved slowly across the
sky. It was, in general, a real down time for the team as a whole --
until one Net.Hero spoke up.

"I have an idea."

"What is it?" asked Linguist Lemur.

"You said this all happened while you were waiting to try Cheesecake
Eater Lad's new banana-nut cheesecake, right?"

"Yes," Linguist Lemur said. "What are you getting at,
Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy?"

"Maybe... and this is a longshot... but maybe this mess isn't the
result of any Net.Villain plot -- but intead, a result of the
cheesecake recipe he was using!"

He looked at aLLiterative Lass, who nodded. "Brilliant Breakthrough,
Buddy!" she shouted. "Come -- to the Cafeteria, QuiCKly!"

The three human Net.Heroes hurried to the cafeteria, their cow and ape
companions hot on their heels. They burst through the cafeteria door
like a stripper out of a birthday cake, practically stumbling over one
another in their rush.

"Where do we look?" Bad-Timing Boy asked.

"The kitchen."

They headed to the kitchen, which was a mess of ingredients and

"Ransack the Room for the Recipe," instructed aLLiterative Lass. "An
Answer Awaits."

The combined resources of the humans, apes, and cows was enough to turn
the room upside down and inside out, finally coming up with a tattered
recipe card titled 'Banana-Nut Cheesecake.'

"This seems to be it."

Never-Gets-Credit-For-His-Dialogue Boy inspected the card closely.

"aNy iNsight?" aLLie asked.

"It specifies that you have to use a rare type of banana from the
'Heart of the Dark Continent'. Boy, this recipe must be old. Anyway, it
goes on: 'Warning - If not used immediately upon ripening, these
bananas may release spores resulting in the transformation of human
beings into orang-utangs, apes, and other such beasts.'"

"What does it say about an antidote?" demanded Linguist Lemur.

"It says 'Turnover.'"

"And what does it say on the other side?"

"No, it says 'Turnover'. Like 'apple turnover'."

Linguist Lemur and aLLiterative Lass frowned. "Apple turnover?"
Linguist Lemur asked.


"Excuse me," Bad Timing Boy said quietly. Everyone turned to look at
him, expecting some inappropriate comment. "I don't mean to interrupt,
but... has anyone thought of Gorilla Grad?"

"aLLie said he's a Net.Hero, not a Net.Villain. He can't be behind

Bad Timing Boy nodded. "I know. I was actually thinking that, well,
since he's already a gorilla, this probably wouldn't have affected him
like it did Doctor Stomper and the others. And since he's pretty


"Boy, I'm beat." Cheesecake-Eater Lad lay down on the bed beside his
wife. "It sure is good to be back to normal," he commented, stretching
his arms above his head.

"Yes," aLLiterative Lass agreed. "A Handsome Human Hubby is Preferable
to a Peculiar Primate Partner."

"I'm glad I kept some of those leftover bananas lying around so you and
Gorilla Grad could whip up an antidote turnover." He yawned. "Did I
ever tell you how much I love you?"

aLLie smiled. "Sometimes, Sweetie." She rolled over and kissed him.

*Looks like I picked the wrong day to pay a visit,*
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass thought to herself as she
disappeared from the room, giving the two lovebirds their privacy.


Dear Editors,

Hey, great! The LNH is back! Writer's Block Woman (and Mouse), Panta,
Rebel Yell... I can't wait!

A. Phan


Um, I hate to break it to you, A., but those characters are all
reserved by their owners and so not likely to show up in the LNH any
time soon -- especially Panta and Rebel Yell.

To keep the LNH stories flowing and featuring that crazy anything-goes
atmosphere that makes them unique, I'll be limiting myself to
characters I can use without any real hassle; in short,
useable-without-permission characters and my own creations.

That's about it. See you next time!

Contents (c) Copyright 2005, Jamie Rosen

Characters (tm) trademark and/or (c) copyright their respective owners,
all useable without permission unless otherwise indicated.
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass useable with my permission.

The Legion of Net.Heroes...
because the world doesn't need another superteam!
From: phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Subject: [LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #3
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 11 May 2005 10:35:16 -0000

  "That blueberry cream cheesecake was the best yet!"
Master Blaster said.  "I am so full!"

  "You ate a lot of it," Sister State-the-Obvious

  "How Happy we are to Hear that!" aLLiterative Lass

  Cheesecake eater lad smiled.  "Would you like to
help me clean up?" he asked his wife.

  "i Would be Willing," aLLiterative Lass said.

  "We'd better get going," Sister State-the-Obvious

  "Just a minute," Master Blaster said.  "I just want
to let this go down."

  A few minutes later, Master Blaster and Sister
State-the-Obvious made their way out of the cafeteria
and into the hallway.

  "That cheesecake was really good!" Master Blaster

  "You already said that," Sister State-the-Obvious

  "Well, it was!"

  He pressed the button for the elevator and they
waited for the elevator to come down.  When the doors
opened they saw the body of a male caucasion lying
face down and motionless in a pool of blood.

  "He looks dead," Sister State-the-Obvious said.

        Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #3:
               C.S.I.: Net.ropolis

  "Could somebody tell me what happened here?"
Ultimate Ninja asked.

  "We just finished having Cheesecake in the
cafeteria," Master Blaster explained, "and then we
found the body of this stranger in the elveator."

  "We don't know who he is," Sister State-the-Obvious

  "Anybody know who he is?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

  "He appears to be Murder Victim Lad," Theory Man
said.  "He joined the LNH a week ago on a probationary
basis subject to him being able to show that he had
any abilities relevent to his code name."

  "Looks like he passed," Sarcastic Lad noted.

  "Any idea who would want to kill him?" Ultimate
Ninja asked.

  "On his application under known associates he listed
'Prime Suspect Lad'," Theory Man pointed out.  "That
would appear to be a good place to start."

  Ultimate Ninja nodded.  "Go get Prime Suspect Lad
and bring him to my office," he ordered.  "And
somebody go find Captain Cleanup and Domestic Lad and
have them clean up this mess."

  "Not so fast!" Squeaky Clean said.  "I have to
examine the elevator for trace evidence first."

  "Why?" Ultimate Ninja asked.  "We already have a

  "Yes," Queaky Clean said, "but Theory Man's theories
are usually wrong."

  "It's the best lead we've got," Ultimate Ninja

  "I know," Squeaky Clean agreed, "but trace evidence
might provide us with another suspect.  Or it might
provide us with the evidence we need to confirm that
Prime Suspect Lad was the killer."

  "How long is this going to take?"

  "Not long," Squeaky said.  "I just need to check the
elevator for fresh fingerprints, hair and skin.  Oh
and if there was a struggle then some of this blood
could belong to the killer!"

  "Fair enough," Ultimate Ninja said.  "I'll be in my

  Later, Ultimate Ninja was in his office when Prime
Suspect Lad entered.

  "You wanted to see me?" he said.

  "Sit down."

  "So... what's up?" he asked.

  "I understand you were friends with Murder Victim

  Prime Suspect Lad nodded.  "We've been friends for a
few years.  Why?"

  "He was found dead in the elevator earlier this
evening.  He'd been murdered."

  "No!" Prime Suspect Lad said, sounding genuinely

  "Do you know why anyone would want him dead?"

  "Not at all."

  "And yet his code name suggested that he knew he was
going to get killed."

  Prime Suspect Lad shook his head.  "Not really.  You
see, all the good code names have already been taken.
He originally wanted to join the LNH as Nukes Entire
Cities Lad but his application was rejected because he
neither planned to nor had the actual means to nuke
any cities."

  "That's what I mean: if he changed his name to
Murder Victim Lad then it must have been because he
was actually expecting to become a murder victim."
Ultimate Ninja sighed.  "We're thinking that the
person who did it had to have been somebody he knew
before he joined the LNH."

  "What are you suggesting?"

  "Your code name is 'Prime Suspect Lad'.  Correct?"

  "So?  When the entire LNH came down with
Legionaire's disease, did anybody blame Patient Zero?"

  "Patient Zero was never a member of the LNH.  She
was a member of The Team."

  "But, still ..."

  "Do you have an alibi?"

  Prime Suspect Lad thought for a moment.  He then
reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked
like a yellow business card.  "I have this."  He
handed it to Ultimate Ninja.

  Ultimate Ninja looked at the card.  "This is a 'Get
out of jail free' card!  It only works if you are
playing Monopoly!"

  "Oh," Prime Suspect Lad said sheepishly.  "In that
case, no, I don't have an alibi."

  Meanwhile, in the med-lab, Doctor Stomper and
Squeaky Clean were examining the body when Insomnia
Boy came in to see how things were going.

  "So, guys, what have you found?" he asked.

  "The cause of death was blunt force trauma," Doctor
Stomper said.  "Somebody grabbed him from behind and
slammed his head against the wall of the elevator."

  "Wow," Insomnia Boy said.  "I can picture it all
happening in my head.  Except it is happening really
fast and it's all in black and white.  With a blue

  "You should get some sleep," Doctor Stomper

  "Can't.  That's my power."  Insomnia Boy sighed.
"So how do you know that's what happened?  I mean,
couldn't he have just slipped and fallen to the

  Squeaky Clean shook his head.  "No.  The blood
splatter in the elevator is only consistent with him
having been standing up when he died."  Squeaky went
to the sink and cleaned up.  "I'm going to go to the
other lab and examine that hair sample I found at the
crime scene."

  "No problem," Doctor Stomper said.  "We're just
about done here."

  Later, in the other lab, Squeaky Clean was busy
looking in a microscope.

  "Have you found anything?"

  Squaky Clean looked up to see who it was.  "Organic
Lass!  Long time no see!"

  Organic Lass smiled.  "Doctor Stomper called me up
and asked me to come down.  He thought I could help.
Anything I can do."

  "No," Squeaky said.  "I'm just examining his hair
sample I found at the crime scene."

  "Will that help you determine who the killer was?"

  "No, but it looks really cool!  Me standing here
looking into a microscope I mean," Squeaky said with a
smile.  "Programs like C.S.I. have done for the
physical sciences what Indiana Jones did for

  "So what are you doing to find out who the killer

  "Well, I did manage to isolate the DNA from the hair
sample and I'm running a program on the computer to
cross check that DNA with the DNA of everybody on the
LNH roster.  It's going to take a while."


  "Oh!  It's done."  Squeaky Clean and Organic Lass
went to see what the results were.

  "So... who's the killer?" she asked.

  Later, Squeaky Clean, Organic Lass, Doctor Stomper,
Ultimate Ninja, Insomnia Boy, Master Blaster and
Sister State-the-Obvious all assembled in the
conference room.

  "As you can see the DNA is a 99.9% match!" Squeaky

  "With whom?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

  "With Actually-Did-The-Crime Lad," Squeaky said.

  "He must have been the one who actually did it,"
Sister State-the-Obvious said.

  "Where is Actually-Did-The-Crime Lad right now?"
Ultimate Ninja asked.

  "Right now he's having a fight scene with Prime
Suspect Lad."

  Prime Suspect Lad hit Actually-Did-The-Crime Lad in
the face, causing Actually-Did-The-Crime Lad to stagger

  "You tried to frame me!" he said.  "You knew that
people would think that I was the one who had killed
Murder Victim Lad!"

  "It's true!" Actually-Did-The-Crime Lad said.  "And
I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for
those darned kids!"

  Later, Insomnia Boy went to visit Squeaky Clean in
his room.

  "Hey, Squeaky!" he said.  "Good work!"


  Insomnia Boy thought for a moment.  "Do you think
the readers find it odd that we still hang out
together years after the Generation Y series ended?"

  Squeaky Clean shrugged his shoulders.  "You mean as
opposed to going out and getting girlfriends?"


  "I don't think it's any of their business."  He sighed.
"Surely even fictional characters have a right to privacy."

  "Right," Insomnia Boy said.  "See you later then."





Next Week: LNH vII #4

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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