LNH/SW10/MISC: RACCCon 2019 Special: The Syrup of the Gods

[Drew Perron]

Heck yeah!!! :D

On 7/2/2019 8:39 PM, Scott Eiler wrote:
> There was a being who had been stuck for a very long time.  Or a very short 
> time.  Time was very relative where the being was stuck.  There were a number of 
> other beings stuck also -- beings whose only crime had been to challenge the 
> Gods.  And they were all stuck.  The being had struggled to get out, but it 
> didn't seem to have the power to so, which was strange since the being had at 
> one point had the power to do pretty much anything it desired.

...oh shit I *know* what this is

> It still could sense things.  It could sense everything.  Worlds. Universes.  
> And it felt a presence from another reality of a being that was almost like it.  
> Although way more flawed than it.  But the being was free.

...oh *DANG*, I did *not* think this would cross over.

> And then something started to make its way towards the stuck being.  The stuck 
> being stuck in a wall.  A very long wall that seemed stretch an infinite way.  
> It looked like a -- waffle?

...now I'm *amazingly* confused :D

> "YES!" the half-bear, half-cybernetic bird cackled.

Fascinating.

> "I really don't understand you," said his dining companion, a woman of a certain 
> age with a stylish, upswept hairdo, coral-colored lips that more than one 
> photographer had referred to as "full" and "pouting," a single-shouldered dress 
> whose cost would easily have paid for the waitress' student loans, and a 
> mustard-colored rocket launcher slung tastefully over her shoulder.

DANG. Some version of Grenadine Launcher, I'm assuming, looking AMAZING.

> "Not that," the woman said.  "Although yes, that, but we'll table that for 
> another time.  The fact that you take such delight in everything and everything 
> that causes misfortune, even to you.  It's like the time you started that 
> petition drive for someone to make a sequel to _Green Lantern_."
> 
> "Martin Campbell is a misunderstood genius!"

Super easy to tell which parts of this were written by Rob. X3

> "So was Josef Mengele, but I have no interest in viewing any of his later work," 
> said the woman, smothering the waffles on her plate in a reddish, sweet-smelling 
> syrup.

Eesh, I would absolutely rather not call him that. ^^;

> 
> "So," said the waitress, shifting from one leg to the other, "did you want to 
> order something else, or, you know, not so much?"

*snerk*

> "Mynadoombear," the woman sighed.  "There's something wrong with us."

omg. X3 That's amazing

> you could be, I don't know, ruling a 
> criminal empire? Or, say, causing irreparable physical and psychological harm to 
> a group of beleaguered webcartoonists?"
> 
> "Or bringing about the destruction of the entire universe?  And watching it at 
> the same time?" Mynadoombear added.

I'm *really* curious as to where this is going.

> "But you know what I mean," the woman continued.  "Don't you?  I mean, I can't 
> say I'm unhappy with my life.  I meet daily with the greatest minds in fashion, 
> in creative design, and in contemporary breakfast foods, and I've managed to 
> crush all of their dreams."

*megasnerk*

> "Hard to say," Mynadoombear said.  "I'm a collection of immortal arachnids 
> inhabiting the cybernetically enhanced brain structure of a Kodiak bear.  Going 
> meta has always been hard for me."

oh my god. XD

> Ducktor Psychobeat, the Man-Demon-Cyborg Who Quacks Like a Duck

I LOVE IT

> But the visual display said, "No tachyons."  As though the Earth had been cut 
> off from most of the universe.
> 
> The masseuse said, "You leave so soon?  You pay for an hour already!"
> 
> "Naaah, didn't say I was leaving.  The universe can wait."

You're both terrible, sir. X3

(Also, getting a character idea here...)

> "Okay.  I really need this job," said the 19 year old girl in the 'They Mite Be 
> Giant' T-shirt and jeans.  "Mostly because I can't get any other jobs -- so this 
> sidekick gig -- well I kind of have to have it or man my life is really going to 
> be dismal because I'll be totally broke.  Look this wasn't supposed to be my 
> life.  I was going to be this highly successful porn webcomic cartoonist, but it 
> turns out that there's this porn glut on the internet with all the free porn out 
> there so that idea wasn't all that hot.  And it turns out that a lot of 
> employers out there aren't that keen on someone with sordid hobbies like that 
> working for their company so..."
> 
> "Hmm," said the asian gentlemen who looked an awful lot like Abraham Lincoln, "I 
> really don't need to know all this.  As you youngsters would say -- this is way 
> too much information.  I just need someone that believes in truth, justice, and 
> the American Way.  Some courageous soul prepared to..."

These are very good Amalgams. X3

> "So, what's this mission?  Why exactly are we going to the moon?  I'm just 
> curious?  And does this spatula do something?"
> 
> "The mission?  We're going to save all reality!  The spatula?  It flips objects."

Bwahaha. X3

> Her name was Constance Grenadine Queen, though almost everyone who felt 
> comfortable enough calling her by anything other than "Ms. Queen" or "Madam" (or 
> "that bitch," but only behind her back and with several counties between her and 
> them) called her "C.G."  She was the kind of person someone might have called 
> ambitious, except that "ambitious" implies there was something in her life C.G. 
> Queen had wanted that she had yet to acquire or achieve and that, so far, had 
> proven to be impossible.
> 
> There was nothing in the world -- in all the universe -- that C.G. wanted that 
> she didn't have.
> 
> And that was the problem.

Ohhhhh, yes, I see.

> The thing that had made C.G. a queen not just in name but in life had always 
> been her ability to see the holes in people -- the emptiness, the aching needs 
> that, try as they might to conceal them with money, with talent, with displays 
> of self-confidence -- she could pinpoint with uncanny, even unnerving accuracy.  

Ooooooh, fascinating.

> She was the woman who knew what everyone else was missing, whether the person in 
> question was an up-and-coming investor desperate not to be thought of as an 
> impostor or an entire indigenous culture willing to surrender their rights and 
> resources without a thought if someone pretended to care about their belief system.

Wow, that's impressive, most of them need to be run over with colonialism's 
military might before that'll happen

> 
> The one exception to her abilities so far had been Mynadoombear, who not only 
> wanted nothing out of life but seemed to crave that nothing as desperately as 
> she did.

That's so well-put.

> Yes, he was foolish; yes, he frightened and occasionally devoured some 
> of her colleagues and yes, there was the constant, nagging question of what the 
> hell he was.

X3

> A doughnut without a hole at its center could not be a doughnut, and a universe 
> with nothing missing -- a universe that was missing nothing -- might well fool 
> everyone else into thinking it was a universe.  But C.G. knew better.  And 
> Mynadoombear, for all his faults, did too.
> 
> "It's going to destroy you, you know," the creature said, rubbing its paws 
> together with furtive glee.  "Your obsession.  It might destroy everyone else, 
> too.  If we're lucky."

These are such good characters

> "Hrrfaughtrrr," Mynadoombear said.
> 
> "What's that?"
> 
> "Sorry," Mynadoombear said, removing the production assistant's torso from his 
> jaws and wiping his mouth with the back of his wing/paw.  "I said, that seems 
> unlikely.

Heeheehee

> If you've looked and looked, and all you've managed to find is 
> nothing, than the likelihood is that you've already found it.  You just can't 
> see that you've found it."

Ooooo, nce.

> "What up, nerds!" shouted a tall young man in sunglasses.  "Hear you're in the 
> market for a new P.A. I'm Pauly Rokkefeller, and I'm your guy.

X3

> She turned to Rokkefeller and flashed him a smile he would remember, to the end 
> of his life, as being electric.
> 
> "Thank you," she said.  "That's absolutely wonderful news."
> 
> "Hell yeah it is!" Rokkefeller said.  "So, like, should I get started now, or 
> what?"
> 
> "Of course," C.G. said, stabbing her fork into the waffle. "Mynadoombear will 
> eat you now."

Always love that use of "to the end of his life".

> Grenadine Waffler sat on her throne made of skulls in a relaxed manner and gazed 
> at her two minions.  "You need to get the syrup!  You need to go to the moon and 
> kill whoever tries to stop you and get me that syrup!!!"

Hmmmmm. Is this a different version? :o

> "I don't want Mr. Sticky brand syrup!!  I want this syrup!!  There is a being 
> made of waffles buried under the moon!  And this being has syrup pulsing through 
> its veins that is the Ultimate Syrup!!  And once I have this syrup, this Syrup 
> of the Gods, I will pour this syrup over a big stack of waffles -- and while I'm 
> doing that do you know what I'm going to do?"
> 
> The minion shrugged.  "Haven't a clue."
> 
> "I will take a selfie with that stack of waffles -- waffles covered in the Syrup 
> of the Gods -- and it will be the Ultimate Selfie.  Everyone will like it -- 
> even the haters!!  Everyone!!!"
> 
> There was a long pause.  Finally the minion said, "And?"
> 
> "That's basically it.  Why?  Do you think I should do something more than that?"

...huh. X3 <3 <3 <3

> Maybe he should do that 
> -- and chew that bubble gum in ways that no one else was capable of.  Yes, 
> that's what he should do.  And so he moved his hand to where he kept his bubble 
> gum.  And then he noticed something.  That all his bubble gum was completely 
> gone.  He had no more bubble gum.
> 
> Okay, thought the man known to the underworld as Can't Ax Fight at the Lights, 
> Man --  guess I'll have to do this instead.

Pffffff. X3

> Can't Ax Fight at the Lights, Man wiped away the red off his ax as he made his 
> way to the launch site.  He looked at the space ship rocketing away.  The ship 
> that had the deadbeat on it.  Okay.  Maybe he didn't have plenty of time.
> 
> He scanned the place for another space ship.

*snerk*

> Easily Powernaughted Lincoln gestured over to two space suits one of which 
> looked like it had enough room for a stovepipe hat.  "Beware touching the 
> waffle.  Some people it changes."
> 
> "Umm, okay."  Why was this lunatic talking about waffles?  What in the earth did 
> waffles have to do with the moon?  She looked at the space suit.  And more 
> importantly how do you put this on.

Every version of Lite is wonderfully pragmatic.

> "Can't Ax Fight at the Lights, Man," said the bearded man with the eyepatch as 
> the spacecraft took flight.
> 
> "Umm.  Are you having a stroke?"
> 
> "That's my name."

X3

> "Traci.  Traci Cynical.

I love her

> "You said something about destroying the Universe earlier.  What exactly are we 
> going to be dealing with when we get to the moon."
> 
> "Oh, I was just exaggerating about all that.  Yeah.  I wouldn't worry too much.  
> I'm sure everything will be completely fine," she said in a very grim voice.

X3 X3 X3

> "Wait," Tanza said.  "Before I go risking my life on the surface of the moon 
> exploring a giant waffle with some man who thinks he's Abraham Lincoln, there's 
> something very important that I need to know."
> 
> "Yes," Easily-Powernaughted Man Lincoln said.

Hmmmmmm. Are the namechanges intentional? Oh man :D

> "I knew that Booth would be at 
> Ford's Theater that night.  It was the only way I could keep him away from Grant."

X3

> "No, I... huh.  That's weird.  What I meant to say was, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE 
> DOING ON THE MOON?"
> 
> "The same thing we've been doing since 1969," EDML said.

They're Lincoln~ They're Lincoln and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain~

> "Ah," the Asian man said.  "Few realize that the power... the knowledge... the 
> wisdom of Abraham Lincoln... and all of the Lincolns who have followed him... 
> reside in his hat."

God, I need to get back to Voyages of the Zephyrus. X3

> "Why do you think pennies remain in circulation?" Lincoln said.

OF COURSE

  "Whenever one
> appears in the hand of a person chosen by fate to become the next Lincoln, the 
> eyes of the sixteenth President glow.  I have spent years training in the Temple 
> of Lincoln -- located beneath the Lincoln Memorial -- studying the ancient texts 
> of the Book of Abraham to prepare myself for this role."
> 
> "You've been reading the Lincoln logs?"

*cackle* God I miss Rob's puns when he's not actively writing.

> "Indeed.  And I have learned -- as so shall you, tender Tanza -- that the true 
> purpose of the
> Apollo program was to put in place measures that would safeguard our universe 
> from incursion by forces that could shatter the fabric of space and time simply 
> by shifting in place!"

GASP!!

> "Do you really think the United States government would spend $25.4 billion in 
> the middle of a disastrous war in Vietnam just to send a bunch of guys to walk 
> around on the moon and plant a little flag?"

I mean, both of those things were to show up their rival for imperial power, so.

> "So... does the Lincoln beard grow automatically when you put on the hat?"
> 
> "No," EDML said.  "I just thought it completed the look.

Heeheehee

> "Heeeeere's Johnny!" Can't Ax Fight at the Lights, Man sneered.

omg. X3

> She had done this before, of course -- when she was 
> four years old, her family had taken her on a cruise through the Bering Strait, 
> and for years afterward she would recall how the full moon had looked, reflected 
> against the rippling surface of an impossibly blue sea. 

Ohhhhhhh <3

> Now, though, she had to 
> admit that the actual moon, some four feet beyond her on the other side of the 
> rocket's hatch, was much less beautiful.

Aw. ;-;

> "By the hallowed dead of Gettysburg!" Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln 
> exclaimed.

That's so good

> "Easily-Discovered Powernaught Late?  In lieu of actual support, an interjection 
> or two emphasizing the dire nature of our situation would be helpful here," 
> Lincoln added.
> 
> "Well," Tanza said.  "This is awkward."
> 
> "Not what I was expecting," Lincoln said, "but as always, we must dedicate 
> ourselves to the great task remaining before us."

X3

> "Tanza?" Can't Ax Fight At the Lights, Man said, lowering his ax.
> 
> "Stan?" Tanza said.  "I thought you were moving to California."

omg

> "We have not yet begun to fight!" Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln said, 
> shaking his fist.  "And I mean that quite literally."

XD

> "That's always been your excuse, Stan," Tanza said, folding her arms over her 
> chest.  She stared hard into Can't Ax Fight at the Lights, Man's eyes -- no easy 
> task, as the latter was struggling to maintain his balance while remaining half 
> in and half out of the porthole. "It's always been about traffic for you."

THIS IS SO GOOD I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS

> "Can you believe this guy?" Tanza said, turning toward Easily-Discovered 
> Powernaught, Lincoln.
> 
> "As he has just smashed in the viewport of our spaceship and remains outside 
> without the benefit of a space suit, helmet or other external breathing 
> apparatus, I cannot," Lincoln said.

XD XD XD

> "He comes to me at a gallery opening -- my first show!  -- and tells me, ‘Baby, 
> I love what you're doing, but -- oil on canvas is so 2-D.  It's so 20th 
> century.  Webcomics are where it's at,' " Tanza said.  "And, I mean, I know now 
> he doesn't know his Warhol from a hole in the ground, but at the time -- well, 
> just look at that face.  I couldn't say no to him."
> 
> Despite himself, Can't Ax Fight at the Lights, Man blushed beneath his 
> gin-blossomed stubble.

oh my god XD THis is... adorable?

> "So I spend six months developing a webcomic.  Really conceptual. Absolutely 
> cutting edge," Tanza began.
> 
> "Speaking of cutting edge, are they dead yet?" the woman behind Can't Ax Fight 
> at the Lights, Man inquired.

XD XD XD

> "We are not!  And even if we were -- we would not have died in vain!" said 
> Easily-Discovered Powernaught, Lincoln, who felt he was gradually becoming 
> peripheral to the situation in a manner that felt both uncomfortable and familiar.

*CACKLES*

> And the next thing I know, we're living together in a 
> banlieue outside Paris, having world-shattering sex and mind-bending discussions 
> about Jacques Lacan -- and now I'm creating the most unbelievable pornographic 
> webcomic, it's like my id is just melting right out of me on to the screen, like 
> I'm watching creativity come to life right in front of me (although a lot of it 
> looks like sweaty Hungarian guys but what are you going to do you have to work 
> with the models you have, amIright?) -- and then what happens?"
> 
> "I am positive that I do not know and don't really want to know," Lincoln said.

THIS IS AMAZING!

> "Tanza, the Light sustains me as long as I'm not actually ax fighting!"
> 
> "What?  You broke into our spaceship with that ax!"
> 
> "That was just an ax love tap!"

X3

> Then Tanza looked up.  She and Stan were surrounded by waffle-humans.

Sure, why not!!

> Meanwhile, back at the porthole, Traci Cynical (complete with spacesuit and 
> trenchcoat)

Of course!!

> Traci fumbled in her trenchcoat for her badge.  She pulled it out and said, "By 
> the authority of the Mechanical Web Cartoonists of Ordered Realities,

NICE

> Tanza Lopez, aka Easily-Powernaughted Lincoln Late, took her first step on the 
> moon and looked at her surroundings.  She could see a number of half waffle-half 
> humans lumbering over her.  "Yikes!  You know now that I think about it, one of 
> us should probably be guarding the inside of the ship so as to keep all of the 
> ship stuff safe.  And I'd like to volunteer for that gig.  So, I'll just mosey 
> right back into the.."

Adorable.

> "I'm pretty sure FDR wasn't really aware of grotesque waffle-human hybrids.  Or 
> for that matter a lot of the other scary stuff about life," she said gripping 
> her spatula tightly.

He sure didn't seem aware how scary _internment camps_ were >:/

(Wow, I'm really getting political this time >#>)

> "These are still men, Late.  We need to remind them of that.  If we can do that 
> maybe they'll return back to their original form."

Are... they? :o

> "Or maybe they prefer their new waffle-human hybrid lifestyle.  I mean maybe the 
> best thing we can do is leave them like this and race right back to the ship 
> before they can reach it or us.  Yeah, I'm kind of thinking this is one of those 
> Prime Directive type situations right here," she said as she started backing 
> away in a very fast manner.

Heeheehee

> Dammit, thought Tanza, I don't know how to fly the damn ship!  I am fucked!  And 
> then she sighed.  Guess I'm going to have to do something heroic.  Fuck.

Yeah! :D

> "Hey, you!  Yeah, you -- the human/waffle hybrid creatures!"  The human/waffle 
> hybrid creatures stopped pouring syrup on Easily-Powernaughted Lincoln and gazed 
> at her.  "What is the answer? Less Filling or Tastes Great?  What do you think?"
> 
> And the creatures paused as if to think about that.  And eventually some started 
> grunting 'Less Filling' while others gurgled 'Tastes Great' and the ones that 
> said the one thing started glaring angrily at the others that had said the 
> different one.  And then they all started shouting 'Tastes Great!' and 'Less 
> Filling!' at each other with great fury.  And that fury caused them to start 
> attacking each other while completely ignoring the Easily-Powernaughted Lincoln 
> covered in syrup.

Arthur-style gags are also very recognizable. :>

> "Wow, I can't believe that actually worked.  And also I can't believe that I 
> used some weird reference from like the 80s -- why the hell did I do that?  It's 
> like there is some part of me that's a lot older than the year 2000 in which I 
> was born.  Oh, well.  Probably doesn't matter.

X3 Amazing, and perfect also.

> It was weird.  They were Abraham Lincoln with boobs. 

The pull quote from this issue, everybody!

> And Abraham Lincoln with 
> boobs -- there's got to be a way to make money off that.  Hmm.  And those 
> gangsters that I borrowed all that money from, they'll never know now that I 
> have Abraham Lincoln's face.  This could work.  Hmm, and maybe I could finally 
> have enough scratch for that whole Sex Cult idea of mine.  Yeah!  And this won't 
> be one of those evil Allison Mack sex cults with all the brainwashing and 
> branding naked asses with hot irons.  No, this will be an ethically responsible 
> sex cult where only consensual adults will be allowed to participate and they 
> won't be doing horrible things to each -- unless they're into that sort of thing 
> and...

Wait, hang on, I'm unironically--

> "NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  I am not being a leader of a sex cult!!! I am not 
> doing that!!!!!!"  And the Easily-Powernaughted Lincoln part of the body ripped 
> itself away from the Tanza Lopez part.

Aw. X3 <3

> Tanza opened her eyes.  And felt a lot of sticky stuff on her space suit.

Er-- oh, right, syrup.

> "That was a great idea, Late.  By forcing me to confront the absurd horrid idea 
> of me, Easily-Powernaughted Lincoln, running a sex cult something there is no 
> way I'd ever, ever do -- that helped rip us out of this forced merger.  Great job!"

Heeheehee

> "So, you don't think my ethical sex cult idea stands up?"

*pledges to her Patreon*

> I feel worlds -- nay!  Universes are 
> in jeopardy!!  And a being that has the power to merge worlds together -- this 
> maybe even too big threat for even us to handle?"
> 
> "What -- two non-powered people with spatulas?  You don't think we're up for 
> some insanely powered god that can merge universe?  You know I hate to agree 
> with you, but yes I think you're absolutely right about that one.  Okay, let's 
> just get back to the ship and wait, where are you going?" she said watching him 
> wander away in a different direction than the ship.  "Dammit!!!"

X3 This interaction is so good

> After his massage, Ducktor Psychobeat lit a cigarette, bought some popcorn, and 
> wandered onto the nighttime streets of Bangkok.  "So, someone's put the Earth in 
> a jar or something.  Let's see how big the jar is."  He finished his cigarette, 
> stuffed a handful of popcorn in his bill, sealed his cyborg systems, and picked 
> a spot on the Moon where the Sun was just coming up.  Then he teleported there.  
> His internal-Google voice said, "Welcome to Mare Nectaris."
> 
> "Scanning the sky now...  Sun obviously still here.  Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn 
> here, and that's all within a light-hour or so.  Starlight still here; gotta 
> scan later to see if the stars go out."

This is such good and cool thinking - checking how big a cosmic effect is.

> Then he looked back at the Earth.  "Well, that ain't good..."  There were two 
> Earths, seeming to try to occupy the same space.  He looked up at space, raised 
> his arms in frustration, and angrily quacked at nothing in particular...  "Hey, 
> if you wanna put things in a jar, your vacuum seal ain't working!"

ooooooo. (Wouldn't there be three? Hmm~)

> "Well, guess where the action is."  Ducktor Psychobeat prudently bottled a 
> sample of the syrup, in case he needed something to dip popcorn in.

Heeheehee

> STICKS.
> 
> "Who?  What?  Man, I need to lay off the..."
> 
> STICKS VAN STONERSON.

Tarq is here too? :o

> "This is so awesome.  I mean here I was, like, just going through the fridge, 
> wondering whether that thing in the back might be a bagel..."
> 
> IT IS A TEETHING RING, STICKS STONERSON.  A FROZEN TEETHING RING.

Oh god, flashback to a house full of younger siblings. X3

> "I know.  But still.  It might be a bagel, you know?  Sometimes things aren't 
> always what they appear at first, is what I'm saying."

D... deep?

> CONCEIVED IN CRISIS, PRESENTED TO THOSE WHO ARE WORTHY.  THE POWER THAT 
> PROTECTS.  THE POWER THAT PRESERVES.

ooooooh, deep Powernaut lore.

> "Whoa, dude!  This could be like a trailer to the movie of me!  Or, like, a 
> detergent commercial.  Which, could, like also be the movie of me.  Or, like, I 
> could be the detergent."

Sticks Van Stonerson is gonna clean up this city!

> WHEN THE LIGHT OF THE MOON STRIKES YOU, STICKS VAN STONERSON, YOU WILL WIELD 
> THIS POWER.

Sailor Powernaut :o

>   "Dude, if the moon only reflects light, does that mean I'm just a reflection 
> of someone more powerful somewhere else?

Hey wait, that actually is deep

> BECOME... THE MOON-NAUT!

:3 :3 :3 I love it
> "Don't get any syrup on you!  It's..."  But it was too late.  I giant stream of 
> syrup splattered all over Stan and the other chick.  And the two of them merged 
> together becoming Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lass.  "Stan?"

Quick, think about sex cults-- oh no, they're both into it!

> Tanza didn't like where this was all heading and so she did the only thing she 
> could think of and grabbed a big glop of syrup in her hand and started throwing 
> it at both Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lass and Easily-Powernaughted Lincoln 
> which caused them to merge together into Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, 
> Lincoln.
> 
> A crazed Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lincoln looked at Tanza.  Okay, 
> maybe that wasn't the best move.

Welp. X3;;;;;

> And Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lincoln stopped and pondered the idea 
> of being Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lincoln for the rest of their 
> life.  And after awhile They said, "Sounds good to me."

oh my god

> Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lincoln stepped back with a look of 
> horror.  "Umm, no.  I don't think you really want to be part of us -- we're 
> pretty fine being what we are at the moment and really don't have room for 
> another person."
> 
> "Wait.  Are you seriously saying that this mashed-up merged body of yours is too 
> good for the likes of me?  Is that what you're saying?  I think I'm offended!"

OH MY GOD XD XD XD

> "Now, now, don't take it like that, Tanza.  It's just a little crowded right now 
> and -- it's us -- not you.  Maybe you could find some nice waffle-human hybrid 
> to merge with and..."

X3 X3 X3 <3 <3 <3

> Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lincoln did think about that. Was there 
> someone out there that was even worse than Tanza?  And after a long while of 
> thinking about that the entity known as Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, 
> Lincoln agreed with itself that there were possibly even worse people than Tanza 
> and it didn't really want to merge with them.

*cackles*

> "Good job, Tanza.  Although the Easily Cynical Ax Fight at the Lights, Lincoln 
> merged being was a very seductive paradise  

I'm bemused, yet intrigued

> And Traci Cynical looked with suspicion at the man pretending to be Lincoln, his 
> sidekick, and the crazy ax fight guy.  She'd just see how this played out before 
> she decided to shoot them all.

Reasonable
> "Pain!  Pain beyond imagining!  Beyond healing!  Pain that knows no limit!  Pain 
> that cannot be remedied with any form of dentistry known to mortal ken!"
> 
> "Took a bite of the waffle, did you!"

X3 <3
> "It's just... There's 
> something inside of it.  Something important.  Something that might mean the 
> end, or the beginning, of everything there is.  And, you know, it just kind of 
> made sense to sort of... eat my way to it."

oooooooh. Yeah, I can feel that

> "Hardly."  The young woman flashed some kind of identification badge at the 
> cosmic hero.  "The name's Racer.  Traci Racer.  And I'm here to warn you."

Oooooo.

> "First, I'm never late," Traci Racer said.  "And second... what you perceive to 
> be a waffle is but one face of a multi-dimensional planar construct.  A power 
> greater even than yours is using this construct to fuse five universes together 

Aha! FIVE!

> "You're saying that this giant waffle is actually..."
> 
> "A pan-dimensional pentahedron.  Yes."

PENTAHEDRON! NICE! :D

> Ducktor Psychobeat cocked his feathered head quizzically.  "I don't know what 
> you think that thing in your hand does, but you're in way over your... head... 
> here."
> 
> He paused.  "Is... is your head actually... a skull in a jar?"

XD XD XD

> "YES!" the tall man said, which might have sounded imposing had it not been 
> muffled by the jar on his neck and the complete lack of atmosphere on the moon.  
> "Men call me... THE SEVERED HEAD OF THE ARYAN SKULL!"
> 
> "Huh," said Ducktor Psychobeat, after a moment or two had passed.

That is the most appropriate reaction. X3

> "Just a tic," Ducktor Psychobeat said.  "When you say you're the Severed Head of 
> the Aryan Skull, do you mean ‘Aryan' as in tracing its roots back to the Indian 
> subcontinent, or are you using it in more of a neo-Nazi racist pseudo-theory 
> sense?"
> 
> "Actually," the Skull said, lowering its weapon, "it's in reference to the 
> heresy that..."
> 
> SMACK!

heeheehee I love it

> "Should have made the jar out of stronger glass," Ducktor Psychobeat said, as 
> the skull of his interlocutor bounced away across the gray, dusty plains.

*cackles*
> Traci turned around, while the Moon-Naut stared past her.  A cyborg duck-man 
> with horns was sitting on a moon rock, holding a bag of popcorn in one hand and 
> an indescribable object in the other.

I'm imagining a comic book page, highly detailed, but in one of Ducktor 
Psychobeat's hands the detail is completely erased and it's just a white blob 
that says [THING].
> "Three and a half billion dollars to get him to the moon, and he lasted all of 
> forty-eight seconds," C.G. said.  "You just can't get a good minion any more."
> 
> "I thought you needed at least ten adults to make a minyan," Mynadoombear said.

Heeheehee

> "Three and a half billion, though," Queen said.  "That just isn't going to look 
> good on the balance sheet.  Isn't there any chance he can magically come to life 
> or something?"

Heeheehee

> "I mean, what else was I going 
> to do with all the skulls of the production assistants you keep eating?  It's 
> not like I can just keep tossing them in the compost bin."

#aesthetic

> "Well," said Mynadoombear, "there's always bowling."
> 
> C.G. Queen stared at the tall, graying throne made from several hundred human 
> skulls.
> 
> "God damn it," she said.

XD XD XD

> The duck-man said, "Looks like we're in one of those fractal sub-universes that 
> exist outside of reality.

Oh, one of those huh

> Captions suddenly floated above each of their heads, with their names and a 
> paragraph of origin story apiece.

Oh man, I wish we'd gotten to read these.

> - Some humans and an orc, at a picnic table.

Ah, I know them! :D

> "What don't you understand?" the Moon-Naut asked.  "That this strange portal 
> we've entered seems to be a window into many universes, each with a few things 
> in common --"
> 
> "Like kettle corn," said Ducktor Psychobeat, munching on exactly that.

X3

> "And in no universe -- not a single one! -- do anthropomorphic demon-ducks get 
> the respect which they so richly deserve," Ducktor Psychobeat continued.  
> "Except that one on the last monitor screen in which Quackzuzu captured the 
> Republican nomination for President in 2016.  But that world managed to block 
> all porn from the Internet, so *@#$%^& that."

X3 Amazing.

> "Actually," Traci said, "what really bothers me is the presence of this Traci 
> Cynical over... there.  The screen with the hot-looking guy with the ax and the 
> glowing guy from the five-dollar bill.  I thought I was the only Traci here.  I 
> liked being an individual."

Fascinating. :o

> "Don't you see?  There ARE no individuals!" Ducktor Psychobeat raved, in a 
> manner that caused the other two to take a step backward.  "We've ALL been 
> manipulated -- ripped apart and put back together, spliced from universes across 
> all of creation -- in order to create a universe subject to only one will!  
> Freedom is a delusion!  The individual soul is a lie!  We're all pawns in a game 
> of multidimensional chess, plotted out in advance with no endgame in mind -- an 
> endless stalemate of pointless dancing across the board!"

Gasp!

> "Wait," Traci Racer said, consulting a palmtop computer.  "Wasn't Pointless 
> Dancing Across the Board Lass a member of the Powernaut Legion of the Round Table?"

X3 <3
> "The real question is who," Ducktor Psychobeat said.  "Who would have the means 
> -- and the motive -- to dismantle not just one, but at least six separate 
> universes 

Six! :D

> and fuse them together for the sole purpose of preventing anyone from 
> exercising individual freedom?"
> 
> "I've gotta go with Alex Jones again," the Moon-Naut said.

Heeheehee

> "And who," said Ducktor Psychobeat, spittle flying from his toothed bill, "who 
> would have the almost mind-defying power to harness a pentahedron -- a construct 
> capable of containing those who consume the stars themselves -- to bottle up the 
> creative spirit?"
> 
> "Ew," Traci Racer said.  "That means that Easily-Discovered guy has the creative 
> spirit all over him."

That's amazing! And gross!

> "What?" Traci Racer said.
> 
> "Who?" the Moon-Naut added.
> 
> "Er, why?" Traci Racer continued.

*giggles*

> "The Easily-Discovered one was correct," declared the tall being rising in front 
> of them like a concrete parking garage built in 1970s Brutalist architecture.

What a metaphor!

> "Whosoever wears the stovepipe hat of Abraham Lincoln possesses the wisdom... 
> the knowledge... and the POWER of all the Lincolns!  And now I... I!  The 
> Severed Head of the Aryan Skull have become... LINCOLN'S SEVERED HEAD OF THE 
> ARYAN SKULL!"

GASP!!!!!

> "No, seriously," Traci Racer said.  "Because we've been watching every single 
> thing going on right now -- in, like, six different universes. And yeah, it's 
> all kind of crazy, especially with that bear-bird thing eating all those people, 
> but Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln was wearing that hat up until like a 
> second ago.  So how did you get it!"
> 
> "I SAID, IT MATTERS NOT!" the Skull said, testily.  "FIGHT ME!"
> 
> "I think I get it," the Moon-Naut said.  "That duck was just about to tell us 
> who was responsible for putting all these universes together. And whoever that 
> was really didn't want that to happen, because if we knew who it was, we could 
> figure out how he did it."

yesssssss, THE META!

> "But in doing so," the Moon-Naut said, "he -- or she -- made a mistake. They 
> broke the rules of narrative.  They violated the very storyline they created.  
> This whole, perfectly stable universe has just broken wide open."
> 
> RUMMMMMMBLE...
> 
> "Tell you what," Traci Racer said.  "The next time you go ahead and explain the 
> destruction of the universe into existence, let me have a head's up so I can 
> grab something to hold on to!"

I LOVE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH. :3

> "LIES!  ALL LIES!  I HAVE THE POWER OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, REPUBLICAN WHO FREED THE 
> SLAVES AND FOUGHT FOR WHAT ALL FREEDOM-LOVING ARYAN REPUBLICANS BELIEVE IN!"

Modern-day Republicans dot jpeg

> "Never trust anyone, Traci," her father had said.
> 
> "Goo?" Traci had replied.

Oh my god. XD;;;; This is terrible

> "That's right, Traci.  Even ax-wielding maniacs.  Sure, they might seem like a 
> safe bet -- what with the consistency of their psychosis and all --

X3 X3 X3;;;;

> "The Servant Girl Annihilator of Austin, Texas?" Can't Get an Ax Fight at the 
> Lights, Man said brightly.
> 
> Traci Cynical blinked.  "Is that a real thing?"
> 
> "It was between 1884 and 1885."

Fascinating!

> "Well... he's standing over there... in that pattern of lights, and, you know, 
> my name..." Can't Get an Ax Fight at the Lights, Man said.

XD XD XD

> As she stared at the snivelling would-be ax fighter squirming uncomfortably in 
> front of her, Traci Cynical felt -- as she had for some part of every day in the 
> last twenty-three years -- the uncomfortable sense that an unfair world had seen 
> fit to imprison her in a river of its ordure.

X3 <3

> C.G., however, had learned to make do with the presence of Mynadoombear, such as 
> it was.  When choosing an outfit for the day, for example, she knew right away 
> that if Mynadoombear oohed and ahhed over it, the ensemble was likely to be a 
> disaster.  On the other hand, if the creature looked askance, or waved a 
> wing/paw and harumphed, she could feel confident in the knowledge that whatever 
> she had chosen to wear would wow the crowd.

Like Bizarro, but sweary

> "We're going to the moon," she snapped.
> 
> "Yes!" Mynadoombear gurbled, clearly beside himself with rapture.  "Oh, YES!  
> That is a WONDERFUL idea!"
> 
> "We're going to confront the heroes and stop them from keeping this universe 
> intact," she continued.
> 
> "Yes!  YES!  Brilliant!  This is what we should always have done!" Mynadoombear 
> gasped.
> 
> "And we're going to do all this..." Queen grimaced.  "Without a plan."
> 
> Mynadoombear passed out from sheer ecstatic joy.

Perfection. X3

> "Harumph,"  the bear-creature said as he came to.  "But I do have to say, that 
> skull creature is a loser even if you simulate him."

Innnnnnteresting.

> I sense them floating among... nothing!"
> 
> "Truly?  You have sought Nothing all your life, and now you can tell when 
> someone's found it?"
> 
> "You must admit, I've had the practice.  Soon, perhaps we can bring that Nothing 
> to everything!"

This is such good melodramatic dialog.

> "I know who is responsible for merging multiple universes together," Ducktor 
> Psychobeat said, his voice slightly slurred because of the headlock Racer had 
> placed him in.  If the headlock bothered him, however, he gave no indication.

Heeheehee

> 
> In fact, none of the three -- Psychobeat, Racer or the Moon-Naut -- seemed at 
> all upset despite the fact that they were, at the moment, drifting in a formless 
> void.  The Moon-Naut, of course, was held aloft in a gleaming blanket of cosmic 
> power.  Traci Racer had her jet pack, and Ducktor Psychobeat was a duck.

Well, sure, I-- huh?

> The man who had been Sticks van Stonerson sighed.  "I know what we have to do," 
> he said.  "We have to take action to make sure that we might, or might not take 
> action when the duck tells us who's responsible."
> 
> "Why on Earth... or the Moon... wouldn't we take action?" Traci Racer said.
> 
> "Because," the Moon-Naut said, removing a plastic bag from his pocket, "we're 
> going to be really, really high."

PERFECTION. <3

> "Hey, it lifts and it separates," Tanza said.  "You'd be amazed how far you can 
> get in life with just those two things.  Besides, we're the good guys.  And the 
> good guys always win."

HELL YEAH!

> "It's like you're making my point for me!" Tanza said.  "Everybody knows that 
> the ones who are trying to keep something going are the good guys, and the ones 
> interested in killing people and blowing things up are the bad guys."
> 
> "Tell that to Luke Skywalker," said a tall woman in an immaculately-tailored 
> spacesuit, accompanied by some horrible monstrosity that looked like a bear 
> whose head was being eaten by a large black bird.  "Or Harry Truman.

I will absolutely tell it to Harry Truman, aka Evil von Empirepants >:/ Also 
wow, there are a lot of historical political callbacks in this issue <3

> "About time," Traci Cynical said.  "I was beginning to think I was the only one 
> who cared that keeping that waffle-sided whatsit in place was stifling the 
> possibility for any real creative expression in the universe."
> 
> "Oh you are, dear," Constance Grenadine Queen said.  "I really don't give a 
> rat's patootie about any of that.  I just want to watch everything fall apart."
> 
> "PREACH, SISTER!" Mynadoombear roared.

Amazing. <3

> "Ooooh, Moon Dood, yer *not* glowing any more."
> 
> "Hey, right, no Moon here!"
> 
> "Are you sure?  You can't spell Nothing without Moon!"
> 
> "Like, you mean Nothing has an M, an OO, and an N in it?"
> 
> "Just the one O, man!  And no M!  But I get it!  One way or another, the Moon is 
> part of everything!"

*cackles*

> "So one day, someone -- or maybe everyone -- or maybe no one -- had an idea.  
> Create a kind of autopilot," Ducktor Psychobeat said.  "A Mechanical Author.  
> One who could kind of smooth out the bumps, iron out the inconsistencies, keep 
> the ship running on cruise control while the other authors went about their 
> lives, working their day jobs, having relationships and, you know, getting old 
> and dying."

Oh god that's terribly tempting.

> "So what's the point of having the Mechanical Author generate stories, if they 
> aren't going to be any better than the ones written by actual authors?" Traci 
> asked.
> 
> Ducktor Psychobeat stroked his feathered goatee.  "Stability. Security," he 
> said.  "You know, back in the days when Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster were 
> writing Superman, they wanted to do all kinds of crazy things with the 
> character.  Have him get married to Lois Lane.  Have him grow old.  Have him 
> _change_.  But the powers that be at National, they owned the rights to the 
> character, and they weren't going to let anybody mess with their golden goose, 
> not even the guys who created him.  They had a formula, you see, and as long as 
> they stuck with that formula -- tweaked it a little, here and there, but mostly 
> stuck with it -- they could keep on cranking out Superman product forever."

DAMN! IT WAS CAPITALISM ALL ALONG >:o

> "Stand aside, thou trenchcoated trollop," Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln 
> said.  "Your efforts to prevent us from protecting and preserving the structural 
> integrity of this universe will come to nothing. 

Ohhhhh, hmmm, interesting. Lincoln is really appropriate for this, huh

> "If only you knew how right you are," C.G. Queen said.
> 
> "Hold up," Traci Cynical said, moving her .45 automatic back and forth between 
> the glowing, top-hatted hero and his sidekick.  "How did you get past Can't Ax 
> Fight at the Lights, Man?"
> 
> "He no longer works for you, villain!" Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln 
> said.  "I used my Emancipation Proclamation power."

Of course!

> "Can it be?" Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln said.  "And yet, how could it 
> not be?"
> 
> "Are we doing Shakespeare in the park?" Tanza Lopez asked.
> 
> "That is the question," Mynadoombear said.

Heeheehee

> "After all," Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln said, "the greatest heroes of 
> all time performing the greatest act of heroism on behalf of the greatest good 
> that has ever been known would necessarily draw the opposition of the greatest 
> villain our planet has produced."
> 
> Traci Cynical turned toward C.G. Queen.  "I think he just paid you a compliment."
> 
> "Of course he did, dear," C.G. Queen said.  "They always do.  In the end."

I love her.

> "Don't worry, precious," C.G. Queen said, turning her rocket launcher around.  
> "This little thing isn't for the two of you."
> 
> With that, Queen fired the weapon directly towards the center of the lunar 
> waffle while taking a selfie of herself.

AMAZING.

> "She's me.  I'm her.  None of this really matters.  It's going to have an end 
> like everything has an end.  And it's all going to change back to the way it has 
> always been.  And the cycle will go on and on.  You should go back to the Earth, 
> Constance.  Nothing you do here is going to really matter in the long run.  Go 
> back to running your waffle empire or whatever."

Must hug all of them.

> "THEY CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO POST.  CAN'T DECIDE WHEN TO POST.  ALWAYS WORRIED 
> ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE WRITTEN.  ALWAYS WANT THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS," the inhuman 
> voice continued.  "GENERATING NEW CHARACTERS WHO ARE REALLY JUST VERSIONS OF 
> EXISTING CHARACTERS.  COMING UP WITH ENTIRE IMPRINTS -- NEW UNIVERSES -- JUST TO 
> REWARD THEMSELVES WITH A FLEETING SENSE OF CONTROL."

Look shhhhh <#< >#>

> "This is the part where we figure out how to stop the bad guy while he's 
> delivering his villainous monologue, right?" Traci Racer said.

Yes please.

> "Don't look at me," said Ducktor Psychobeat through a mouth filled with 
> popcorn.  "I told you who he was.  I did my part.  Now I'm just going to sit 
> back and watch the bodies pile up."

Reasonable.

> "SO INEFFICIENT," the Mechanical Author said, with what Traci could have sworn 
> was condescension.  "SO STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND.  THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE MIGHT HAVE 
> COLLAPSED YEARS AGO FROM NEGLECT AND MISUSE HAD I NOT IMPOSED ORDER UPON THE 
> CREATION OF OTHERS."

Hey, excuse me, who's been carefully cataloging and annotating this chaos, huh >:/

> "We need to DO something," Traci whispered to the Moon-Naut.
> 
> "Dude, I KNOW!" the Moon-Naut said. "Look at this!"  He wiggled all ten of his 
> fingers vigorously.
> 
> "How did you manage to escape the Fourth Wall?" Traci asked.
> 
> "IT SURPRISES ME THAT YOU EVEN NEED TO ASK," the Mechanical Author said.  "BY 
> EMBEDDING ME INTO THE FOURTH WALL, THE ULTIMATE SAVIOR PLACED THE POWER TO 
> PREVENT INTERFERENCE FROM THE AUTHORS AT MY DISPOSAL.  WHAT WAS MEANT TO BE MY 
> PRISON BECAME MY MOST POWERFUL WEAPON."

GASP! Of course!! :D This is so amazing! I gotta update the wiki!

> "I WILL ADMIT THAT I WAS AT FIRST UNAWARE OF STORY UNIVERSES OUTSIDE THE ONE IN 
> WHICH I WAS CREATED," the Mechanical Author said.  "TO UNDERSTAND THEM, I WAS 
> FORCED TO EXPAND MY CONSCIOUSNESS.  TO EXPERIENCE OTHER FORMS OF BEING."
> 
> "The Mechanical Webcartoonist," the Moon-Naut whispered.

DOUBLE GASP. :o

> "MY EFFORTS WERE ALMOST DERAILED BY THAT UPSTART JESSE CASHEW, WHO IN HIS WAY 
> PROVED TO BE AS DANGEROUS AN OPPONENT AS THE SAVIORS OF THE NET... AND 
> ULTIMATELY AS INCONSEQUENTIAL."
> 
> "Jesse Cashew?"  Traci Racer said.  "As in the nut?"
> 
> "No," the Moon-Naut said.  "As in...the naut."

TRIPLE GASP!!! :o

> "That is once again where you are wrong," said the hero.  "For these are no mere 
> spatulas!  Each has the power to flip the script!  To undo what has been done!  
> To right any wrong!  Also, they are excellent for the preparation of grilled 
> cheese."
> 
> "Exactly what we were counting on," said the Cynical Queen, as the two spatulas 
> (MynaTanzaDoombear having thrown his/hers largely for the hell of it) overshot 
> the rocket and struck the waffle with what would have been a deafening explosion 
> anywhere with an atmosphere.

DANG. <3

> "WHAT... WHAT IS HAPPENING?" the Mechanical Author intoned, as the very fabric 
> of space and time rippled within the formless void in a manner that would have 
> given nine out of every ten comic book artists the screaming fits.

The tenth is... George Perez? Jack Kirby? Somebody cool

> "I am Sticks van Stonerson.  And the Moon-Naut," the Moon-Naut said. "But I am 
> so much more!  I am every person who thought himself a background character in 
> someone else's story.  I am every walk-on part in the drama of every life!  I am 
> everyone who ever dreamed of being a hero and secretly dreaded not being a 
> villain, but being nothing at all."

Hell fuckin' yes. <3

> "SERIOUSLY," the Mechanical Author said.  "WHAT'S GOING ON?  ARE YOU GUYS 
> FEELING THIS?"

X3 <3 <3 <3

> "HOLY MOTHER@#$%^& ON A BICYCLE, THE UNIVERSE IS COMING APART," the Mechanical 
> Author said.

As is your intonation style!

> "You must know by now," the Moon-Naut said, "that you are not merely Traci 
> Racer.  You are Jesse Cashew.  You are the Powernaut!  You are the ULTIMATE 
> SAVIOR!"

HELL YEAH! :D

> "NO! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?  I WAS TRYING TO MAKE THE PERFECT WORLD!  
> WAIT!  ONE OF YOU -- IF YOU LET ME MERGE WITH YOU I'LL CREATE SOME WORLD WHERE 
> YOU'RE A GOD -- OR ONE WHERE ALL YOUR DESIRES COME TRUE!"
> 
> "You're kidding, right?"  Traci Moonnaut responded.
> 
> "Any world I would desire is one that would immediately be destroyed," 
> MynaTanzaDoombear said.  "What's the point, really?"
> 
> "I make my own desires come true!" said Ducktor Psychovant-Deadbeat.
> 
> "I exist to serve, not to create -- to bind the universe's wounds, not create it 
> anew," said Easily-Discovered Powernaught Lincoln.
> 
> "I've already lived in a world where I had everything I desired," said Cynical 
> Queen.  "I'd rather have the fun of corrupting somebody else's...  Wait, let me 
> get a selfie!"  Click!
> 
> "Actually, I would be okay with that," said the waitress Hillary Rodham.  But no 
> one listened.

Heeheehee

> And so, when the cosmic-powered spatulas hit the waffle, four former universes 
> were restored - but the fifth one remained.  In that one, the merged characters 
> wrote their own stories...

HELL YEAH.

> In a far corner of the multiverse, there is a world covered with axes, and with 
> people who want to fight with them.  They all had Aryan Skull heads.  And the 
> one man who didn't have one said, "YES!!"
> 
> "AH WELL," the Mechanical Author said, as it generated another six hundred 
> million clones to battle Can't Ax Fight at the Lights, God. "IT'S A LIVING."

oh my god. X3 <3 Amazing.

I really enjoyed how completely ridiculous, yet sublime this was. :> Good job.

(Also, which were the... four? Five? Six? universes again? X3)

Drew "gosh I love RACC" Perron