LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #88: Mutton Mania Part Thirteen and..???
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Jan 6 12:59:29 PST 2019
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the final section of Mutton Mania and something else.
Mutton Mania Epilogue, Rob Rogers returns to try to make sense of
all that has come before. Or at least make sure his character
Easily-Discovered Man Lite cashes in.
And what? Is there still another epilogue (or an epi epilogue) one
written by Marc "Not the Beastmaster" Singer better known for his
various Omega series like 'Legacy'? Why, yes, it appears so. But
is this really a Mutton Mania epilogue or some other issue of a
completely different cascade that has nothing to do with sheep and
sheep shagging? Well, okay, yes to that too.
And that brings us to Saviors of the Net 12.5, written by yours truly,
Arthur "Never had a nickname.." Spitzer -- which is kind of a recap
of the entire history of the Net, Looniverse, and those Saviors of the
Net issues.
And now..
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #89
=====================
Mutton Mania Part Thirteen and...???
=====================
Date: 19 Feb 2000 04:46:30 -0000
From: Rob Rogers <rogersr at shore.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: [LNH] Mutton Mania, Epilogue
mphipps at my-deja.com wrote:
> "But if he's been dead all this time, then did all of this never
> happen?" Lite asked, obviously confused.
>
> "Oh no!" Opinionated Lad insisted. "This happened all right! There'll
> be no more retconning while I'm here! I told the Lords of Retcon
> themselves and I think they got the message!"
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> The Lords of Retcon remained silent. Finally one spoke.
>
> "How's about we revamp the whole universe! Starting with the Cosmic
> Plot Device Caper. I mean..."
>
> The other Lords of Retcon gave him a nasty look and he shut up. They
> then collectively turned their attention back to the DC Universe.
>
> THE END
"I know I've changed," she said. "But does that really matter?
Who I am inside...who we are...that's still the same, isn't it?"
She paused, her eyes brimming with tears. "I never really knew
who I was...what I was...what I could be...until I met you. I knew the
moment I saw you that I wanted to be with you forever. You had me...
at 'kiwi.' "
"Kiwi," the kiwi replied.
"Don't be like that!" she screamed. "It doesn't have to be like
this! We can be together! We can... Stop pecking at your feet while
I'm trying to talk to you! Those crumbs will always be there! You
need to decide whether you want me to be here or not!"
"Kiwi," the kiwi said, turned, and waddled away.
"I didn't mean it!" said the young woman, who only minutes before
had ambled the halls of Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters as a sheep.
"We can still work this out! I believe in you! In us! Please!"
The lobby still echoed with her sobs long after Captain Cleanup
had swept the crumbs from the tiled headquarters floor.
* * *
For the Scarlet Prawn, the end of another failed campaign meant
another visit to his table at Where Your Eyes Don't Go, an out-of-the
way watering hole popular with the criminal element in Net.ropolis and
elsewhere.
"All I'm saying is, don't have kids," the Queen Bee muttered,
her words slightly slurred by the half-empty Tom Collins in her hand.
"You think that's to worry?" the Scarlet Prawn said. "I should
be so lucky. The heroes that just unraveled my latest scheme, they
included Easily-Discovered Man. Easily-Discovered Man! Do you know what
that's going to do to my marketability? For this I left Library
Services school?"
"But it wasn't really Easily-Discovered Man who defeated you,"
Father Brown said. "Deja Dude and Opinionated Lad were both
immensely powerful adversaries whose involvement in this matter could
not have been predicted when you began."
"And besides, by the end of the story, everything was so
confused, no one even knew what chapter it was anymore," said the
Shameless Plug, a short, red-faced man whose T-Shirt read "Read
the Indie #6!" "And there was that quarrel between the auth--"
A look from Father Brown, who disliked any mention of
activities beyond the fourth wall, silenced Shameless Plug,
allowing the Scarlet Prawn to continue.
"True, Deja Dude, he was tough," the Prawn mused. "And
Opinionated Lad -- what, there are not powers enough, that he
has to be able to tap into the opinion of everyone on the
Internet? This, I am supposed to be able to beat?"
"Yes, Opinionated Lad would be difficult to tame," Father
Brown said. "Unless, of course, someone found a way to keep most
of the Internet from expressing an opinion. Of course, we all
know that would be impossible."
Everyone at the table -- including the Table, as it
turned out -- joined Father Brown for a much-needed burst of
maniacal laughter, completely drowning out the music on
the bar television advertising the latest version of
America Online.
* * *
"Lite!" Weirdness Girl screamed, stomping across the
Legion Headquarters lobby and throwing a colored fabric T-shirt
in the face of Easily-Discovered Man Lite. "Are you responsible
for this?"
"Probably, although from this angle, it's hard to be sure,"
Lite said, pulling the shirt away from his head. "Oh, you mean the
'I Kicked Sheepshagger's Ass' T-shirts I've been selling to the
other Legionnaires? Yeah, that's me."
"I can't believe this," Brittany said. "Didn't this
experience mean anything to you?"
"It most certainly did," Lite replied. "It meant that
NBC was willing to pay me an obscene amount of money for the
rights to make a movie-of-the-week about the whole thing. The
location scouts ought to be here any minute now."
"WHAT?"
"They're calling it 'Bleating Hearts: Every Mother's
Nightmare,' " Lite said. "It's a little late for February
sweeps, but I played up the whole 'teenage girls in distress
thanks to what's wrong with modern society' angle. I guess
they've already lined up Michael Caine to play the
Sheepshagger."
"You're disgusting," Weirdness Girl said. "Don't you
realize this has all been a very difficult time for me?"
"Why, because you were in the story from the beginning,
but no writer since ever mentioned you?"
"No!" Brittany said. "The last few days, with the
headquarters filled with sheep, the streets covered in flame,
and everyone turning into all kinds of different things...
I'm just not used to being the only 'normal' one around here.
It's very unsettling."
"I see," Lite said. "Would it help if I told you they
got Jennifer Love Hewitt to do your scene at the concert?"
Hours later, a groggy Lite would tell his revivers he
never would have believed a girl who had once been dead
could have swung a stuffed fish full of rocks that fast.
* * *
"I... I can't believe he's really gone," the woman who had
once been a sheep said. "After all we'd been through together...
I thought he understood."
"His kind never does," said a voice from behind her.
The woman spun around to see Onion Lad, dressed in a black
turtleneck, pastel blue leisure suit, and one long gold chain
draped around his neck, leaning against a column in the
headquarters lobby."
"Have I met you someplace before?" the woman asked.
Onion Lad smiled. "Perhaps," he said. "Many women,
upon meeting me for the first time, swear they have seen me
before... in their dreams."
"I... I just don't know," the woman began.
Onion Lad reached into the breast pocket of his jacket,
removing a short, green kiwi feather. He sashayed up to the now
speechless woman and slowly, delicately, brushed the feather
against the fine white hairs of the woman's throat. She
swooned, and Onion Lad rushed forward to catch her just in time.
"Hold my calls, Fred," Onion Lad said, as he carried the
woman through the lobby's revolving doors. "I may be out for
a while tonight."
THE END...?
Date: 19 Feb 2000 19:40:47 -0000
From: marcs at wam.umd.edu (Marc Singer)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: Re: [LNH] Mutton Mania, Epi-Epilogue, and Chapter 13 of ...?
In article <38AE1FC5.51AB at shore.net>, Rob Rogers <rogersr at shore.net> wrote:
> Onion Lad reached into the breast pocket of his jacket,
>removing a short, green kiwi feather. He sashayed up to the now
>speechless woman and slowly, delicately, brushed the feather
>against the fine white hairs of the woman's throat. She
>swooned, and Onion Lad rushed forward to catch her just in time.
>
> "Hold my calls, Fred," Onion Lad said, as he carried the
>woman through the lobby's revolving doors. "I may be out for
>a while tonight."
>
> THE END...?
Fred had already been disturbed enough by the headquarters full
of sheep, the litigious kiwis, Onion Lad getting a date with a potentially
underaged girl. He was already getting ready to call in the LNH's special
"Statutory Squad" when a street crazy wandered into the lobby.
"Sorry, sir," Fred droned, waving for the unshaven, vile-smelling
man to leave. "This cascade's already over, nothing to see--"
"Over? You think it's really *over*?" The street crazy dropped
his THE END AIN'T HERE sign and shambled over to Fred, grabbing him by
his wide polyester lapels. "It's only just *resumed*!"
"R-r-really, sir? How fascinating." Fred tried to covertly press
the security alert button, but activated his chair's 'magic fingers'
instead. Jiggling unpleasantly, Fred said, "Do tell me more."
"Don't patronize me, you little brat! Don't you recognize me?"
The hobo pushed his weather-blasted, toothless face up into Fred's.
"Don't you recognize the once-noble visage of the Ultimate Savior?"
The name sounded achingly familiar, but Fred couldn't place it.
"Wasn't he, like, the Ultimate Ninja from that square planet where they
did everything backw--"
Disgusted, the hobo shoved Fred back into his chair. "Bring me
Doctor Stomper or the Ninja! *They'll* understand!"
"Oh, I'll bring you *something*," Fred muttered, pressing the
security alert button. With uncommon--some might say flat-out
impossible--efficiency, an assortment of nets, cables, and tethers grabbed
the raving bum. Fred chuckled and programmed them to drag the bum off
to a holding cell.
"You fool!" the bum screamed as the cables pulled him across the
newly-polished lobby floor. "Find Stomper and the Ninja! Ask them about
what's been going on here! Ask them about the boy-band fans turning
into literal sheep..." His voice rose as he was pulled further and
further down the hall. "Ask them about Opinionated Lad embodying the
opinions of the entire Internet..." He rose to a manic intensity as he
was flung into an empty security cell. "Ask them if all of 'Mutton Mania'
didn't seem like... an ALLEGORY..."
The cell door slammed shut.
* * * * * * * *
Elsewhere, the Lords of Retcon were sitting back for a well-
deserved cup of tea and their monthly strategy meeting.
"So what's up with Hawkman?" said Bill. "I move we reveal
he's the long-lost sun of an alien lawman who was bitten by an
interstellar corps of radioactive exploding planets... say, is it getting
hot in here?"
"That's okay," said Dave, "I'll just retcon the heater down...
ARRRRRRGH!"
One by one, the Lords of Retcon were consumed by flame.
Desperately trying to retcon themselves to safety, they were powerless.
Begging for mercy to the two mighty metal legs that crashed through the
roof, they were unheard. Colossal robotic fists reached down and crushed
the Lords of Retcon like the failed vassals that they were... and always
had been. Actually, it looked kind of like an old Queen album cover.
The last of the Lords of Retcon died, leaving only the victorious,
inhuman form of the Mechanical Author.
TO BE CONTINUED (?????) AS "SAVIORS OF THE NET" RETURNS (!!!!!)
* * * * * * * *
Author's note--Well, now I've gone and done it. The first (and only?)
thing I've written for LNH and it goes and stirs up a whole new hornet's
nest. But I thought of this several days ago and was just waiting for
"Mutton Mania" to reach its own conclusion before popping this new
revelation on you. I always did want to see Saviors brought to a proper
ending, and the allegory thing seemed relevant... I would love to see
this actually turn into a true conclusion of the Saviors story (rather
than lots of people retconning each other; as far as I'm concerned, Mutton
Mania all happened, just with the Mechanical Author's evil influence
behind certain parts of it.)
I have no idea who created anybody. Well, I assume Ultimate Savior was
created by Arthur Spitzer. Last seen in Saviors of the Net #12.
Bill and Dave were created by Jess Willey and last seen in Saviors of the
Net #13 (sneaky sneaky).
The Mechanical Author and the brilliant allegory idea created by Steven
Howard, I think.
From: Arthur Spitzer <arspitzer at earthlink.net>
Subject: [NEW/LNH] Saviors of the Net #12.5: 'A <click> within the Darkness'
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 22:36:33 -0700 (PDT)
T H E
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O F T H E
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Saviors of the Net #12.5
An Interlude
'A <click> within the Darkness'
In the beginning...
In the beginning, there was just the Net. An Infi.net.e of never ending
darkness. Nothing. Nothing at all except the Net. Well, okay... that's
not completely true. There was something else. Something that had been
waiting a long, long time.
And for the longest time there was nothing, but the Net and this Waiting
Thing that lurked within the Primordial Darkness beyond the Net.
And then there was a <click>.
And the <click> begat a Letter.
<click> <click>
More Letters.
The Letters became a Word.
<click> <click><click> <click><click> <click>
And the Words became a Message. And the Message did unite with the Sig. to
become the Post.
And the Posts became Threads. And some turned into Flames.
Out of this, two races of Posters came into being. The Net.Gods and The
Net.Trolls. They divided the Net into many different parts. One part
became the Newsgroups. The Living Moderator was given rule over all of the
unmoderated newsgroups. Seven other entities: Infi.net.e, Inter.net.e,
Are.Em, Killfile, Alt.lactus, Lord MUD, and Master Workload created by the
Source Code were given rule over their specific domains on the rest of the
Net.
And the Waiting Thing observed all of this. And the Waiting Thing noticed
that as powerful as these Cosmic Entities were they weren't able to detect
the Waiting Thing's presence. The Waiting Thing saw something else. A
Wall. A Wall separating the Net from something. A Wall that was very far
away. The Cosmic Entities called it the Fourth Wall.
The Waiting Thing focused its attention on a newsgroup called net.comics and
a race of posters called the N.Celestials that lived on it. It watched as
they renamed the group rec.arts.comics and changed their names to that of
the RACelestials. It watched one of these RACelstials called The Net.Roach
respond to another RACelstial -- The Ahkond of Swat's post about a 'Winsor
McCay' spelling error. This post became a massive thread. And from that
thread something formed. Something called the Looniverse.
The Waiting Thing wondered why it was interested in this silly little thing.
Something important had happened there, but it couldn't remember what it
was. It gazed into the Looniverse. And watched it evolve.
It saw alien civilizations, like the Dorfian and Dvorkanian, form into
massive intergalactic space empires. But they did not interest it. It
focused its attention on a small blue world circling a yellow sun. It
watched bacteria evolve into multi-celled life forms. It watched fish
become amphibians. Amphibians into lizards. Lizards into mammals. One of
these mammals eventually called himself Man.
And then nothing really significant happened until the early part of the
20th century when a kid by the name of Boy Lad found a briefcase with the
letters LNH on it.
The Waiting Thing wondered why this was significant. Boy Lad disappeared
and so did the LNH for awhile.
It wasn't until the year 1970 that the Waiting Thing became fascinated with
another event. This time it was a birth. A human couple by the name of
Nathan and Natalie Net.ropolis had a baby. A baby girl. A baby girl named
Vivian Net.ropolis.
The Waiting Thing started to remember.
It watched Vivian Net.ropolis grow up. It watched her be tormented by other
kids because of her intelligence. It watched her suffer, and cry, and pray.
And it watched as she lost faith in her world and humanity. It watched her
graduate from college. It watched her plan.
The LNH returned. 1992. A group of villains armed with a Cosmic Plot Device
and a Ring of Retconn warped the world to their whims. The Waiting Thing
absorbed the excess retcotheric energy. Something called Cry.Sig happened
causing the Looniverse to shift to a new newsgroup called alt.comics.lnh.
More retcotheric energy. The Waiting Thing feasted.
1994. Vivian Net.ropolis got a job at a place called the Mr. Paprika
Company. She was sent to a place called Omaha. There was a rip in reality.
A crack. A crack in the Fourth Wall? No. Not the Fourth Wall. The Fifth
Wall? How could that be? The Waiting Thing was disturbed by this. How
many walls were there? How many would it have to break?
It watched a suicidal Vivian Net.ropolis throw herself into the crack. It
watched her return. It wondered what she saw. What was beyond the Fifth
Wall? But it knew that she understood. She understood what she needed to
do. That night Vivian Net.ropolis wrote an equation on a piece of paper.
And the Waiting Thing smiled to itself.
Retcon Hour. The Looniverse moved to a new newsgroup called
rec.arts.comics.creative. More retcotheric energy. The Waiting Thing
gobbled it all up. The Waiting Thing felt incredible power flowing through
it. But it was not ready. Not yet. But soon.
1998. Vivian Net.ropolis recruited a group of super-powered types. Or did
they recruit her? Retcotheric Energy made everything hazy. This
super-powered group called itself the Saviors of the Net. The Saviors
themselves were hazy except for Vivian Net.ropolis. Why was that?
Vivian Net.ropolis worked on prototypes for her project. The Waiting Thing
breathed life into three of them. They would be his Knight, his Bishop, and
his Rook. The Saviors announced their presence to the world on the
MacLaughlin Man Show. Cosmic Entities across the Net started to become very
nervous. But they didn't know why. They couldn't see the Waiting Thing.
They couldn't feel the rope growing tightly against their necks.
A battle between one of the Saviors and the LNH'r Retcon Lad. The Waiting
Thing was tempted to feast on the retcotheric energy, but knew that it
couldn't do that. This retcotheric energy was meant for the birth. The
Waiting Thing licked its lips.
The Cosmic Entities started to become aware of the Waiting Thing. Some
tried to warn various members of the LNH and the Saviors of the Net. Some
tried to take advantage of the situation. But it was too late. It was out
of their hands. Everything started to move into position.
Vivian Net.ropolis started to have doubts. Was she doing the right thing?
The Waiting Thing didn't seem to have the power to force Net.ropolis to push
the button. The Waiting Thing caused Bad-Timing Boy to drop his fork. If
Net.ropolis would not push the button then fate would.
The Dominoes started to fall. Vivian Net.ropolis's elbow hit the button.
There was a burst of light. It was born. And it retconned the world. But
it was young. It did not understand. It didn't have the power it needed
and so it created servants that would help it get that power. And the
servants reshaped the world back to the way it was, but without the Saviors.
And they sent the Waiting Thing back to the beginning. So it could learn.
So it could feast. And finally it understood what it must do.
The LNHQ was overrun with teenage girls that had been turned into sheep.
Its servants were doing this. Its servants had become corrupted by the
silliness of the Looniverse. Their time was to come to an end.
It absorbed all of the retcotheric energy from the Mutton Mania chaotic
add-on storyline. It was time.
The Waiting Thing stretched its perfect arms. It was time.
The Waiting Thing crackled its perfect knuckles. It was time.
The Waiting Thing gazed at the perfect keyboard and lay its perfect fingers
down on the keys.
It was time. Time for the perfect story to be written.
Time to create the perfect world.
The Mechanical Author smiled the perfect smile.
<click><click><click><click><click><click><click><click><click><click>
Thundered through the darkness.
==============
Writer's Notes
==============
This was mostly written to be a bridge between SotN #12 and #13.
A lot of the info here was snagged from Jameel and Dave's 'Kid Kirby's Guide
to Cosmic Beings'. And some stuff I probably snagged from Saxon Brenton's
stuff. Boy Lad is David R Henry's and Retcon Lad is Saxon Brenton's.
It is also seen from the point of view of the Mechanical Author so
everything probably is a little suspect.
This is history at the time of the Saviors of Net Series. I'm sure anything
you find wrong with this has been retconned away since then.
The Fifth Wall was created by Chris Sypal. (See the Omaha Project and the
Pliable Lad Annual for more on that.)
Arthur "Yeah, I know. This probably should be #4Pi." Spitzer
==========
Next Week: Okay, we're back to the Saviors of the Net again!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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