LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #101: FLAME WARS IV Epilogues

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Apr 14 23:33:48 PDT 2019


On 4/7/2019 5:16 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Funeral For Some Friends: Flame Wars IV Aftermath by Jamie Rosen we bid
> farewell to the number of heroes slaughtered in this crossover.  But is
> Cheesecake Eater Lad truly dead?  And if so is he playing the harp in heaven
> or maybe playing the banjo in hell?

I can't imagine any sins Cheesecake-Eater Lad of all people would be punished for!

...okay I know "gluttony" is a sin, like, one of the ones people make a big 
frickin deal about, but...

> Or perhaps taking a shower with Dr. Stomper in Master Blaster's room
> in a story that's probably been completely elsewhirled away by now?

I do love that stupid story. X3 <3

> And in Funeral For Some Friends, part 2: Flame Wars IV Aftermath by Saxon
> Brenton, Saxon worries about being late with posting his part of this -- but
> little does past Saxon know that 16 years from then that all his worry doesn't
> matter anymore since I've just bundled them both up in this issue of Classic
> LNH Adventures and no one will ever be the wiser (assuming I remember to just
> delete all that worry away -- which I'll probably forget to do)..

Heeheehee :3

>       It was a typical spring day, sun shining, birds singing, but the wind
> that cut across the LNHHQ front lawn brought with it a chill that was
> somehow appropriate.

Big mood.

> Fearless Leader looked out at the assembled Net.Heroes,
> their faces -- those that were not obscured by masks -- each showing the
> difficulties they had been through over the last several days. He knew that
> his own face showed the same pain, mirroring it back to them. That was why
> he had been asked to speak first, after all, rather than Ultimate Ninja,
> whose stoicism might be seen as insensitivity.

Oh, that's well-put.

>       "It is always a sad day when we must bury our own. Sadder still when we
> must bury them in such large numbers. But it is especially important, on a
> day like to day, to remember the way these brave men, women and cows lived,

Tag yourself, I'm cows

> as well as the way they died. To remember that they were people, full of
> laughter and hope, sorrow and sympathy, and that they gave their lives in
> the course of doing their duty -- a duty that many other people have been
> unwilling to undertake.
>       "When we speak today of those we have lost, we will remember their
> laughter, their hope, their sorrow, their sympathy. But above we will
> remember one trait above and beyond all others: their bravery. It was their
> bravery, their sacrifices, that made them truly worthy of the term...
> Net.Heroes."

This is super well-put. <3

>       Some people would have said that Cheesecake Eater Lad's old quarters
> were haunted, perhaps by his own spirit. They would have said there was
> definitely *something* in there, a presence of some sort, even though it
> could not be seen, felt, or heard.
>       They would have been right. But it was not a ghost.

IIILass ;.;

>       Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid glanced at Blue Wave. "I
> don't get it," he said as they walked down the hall to Ultimate Ninja's
> office. "Why the heck were we told not to attend the memorial service? They
> were our freakin' teammates too!"
>       Blue Wave shook his head. "I don't know, SAFNAR. I'd imagine Ultimate
> Ninja had a good reason -- after all, he summoned us to his office."

Oh boy I know what happens here. ^^;

>       "I don't believe in beating around the bush, ninja or otherwise," he
> said.

Heeheehee--

> "You two are both fired."

Aw. X3

>       "Sit down."
>       "I'll sit down on you!" SAFNAR Kid exclaimed,

That's the best possible response X3

>       "Actually, there is one more thing," Ultimate Ninja said. "The rest of
> your bunch -- Miss Translation and that Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl --
> they're gone too. But you can tell them that."

That feels arbitrary but I can understand how it was necessary for Miss 
Translation's book

>       The original seating plan for the memorial service had had Cannon
> Fodder sitting next to aLLiterative Lass, but with the weight of her
> husband's death on his conscience he had quickly found he couldn't stand
> sitting there.

Oof. *nods*

> There were no other seats available, so when the opportunity
> presented itself he slipped out of the audience and back into LNHHQ. It was
> just as well -- he couldn't help but feel that each and every other person
> there was quietly blaming him. Blaming him for Cheesecake-Eater Lad's death,
> or Giant Wandering Cow Kid's, or Girl/Boy's, or Captain Redundant's. And
> even though he had been assured by Special Bonding Boy that wasn't the
> case, well... he just knew different.

Ugh. Yeah I've felt that form of anxiety.

>       The smile disappeared from Cannon Fodder's face. He gently pushed the
> door open and looked inside. Hard to believe Cheesecake-Eater Lad wouldn't
> be there anymore. He stepped inside, not noticing the tiny turquoise towel
> that had been casually dropped on the floor.
>       His foot landed on it and slipped out from under him. He spent a
> frozen moment in the air, looking up at the ceiling, then fell to the
> ground. He heard two things before slipping into darkness -- the sound of
> his head striking the coffee table, and what sounded like a woman's voice.
>       *I hate you.*

Oh, IIILass. ^^; Honey.

>       "You!" he said, getting to his feet. "Fourth Wall Lass told me about
> you. Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass. You were in love with Cheesecake
> Eater Lad!"
>       *Yes. I was. And now he's DEAD, and it's YOUR FAULT!*
>       Well, if he wasn't mad already, the itchiness was going to drive him
> mad.
>       "I know," he said quietly.
>       *I hate you, you... You -- what?*
>       "I said I know."

NOW HUG

>       The footage showed the LNH's military liaison for the OMAR situation,
> Major Reason, approaching Cheesecake Eater Lad in the hallway, and the
> two men entering a conference room together. Another camera then cut in,
> this one inside the room, where the two men spoke briefly before Major
> Reason attacked Cheesecake Eater Lad from behind, knocking him out and
> putting on his costume. Clad as Cheesecake Eater Lad, Major Reason then
> exited the room, leaving behind a naked Net.Hero. Then, just as the Dairy
> Dessert Defender was regaining consciousness, a strange portal opened up
> in the room, and a vaguely equine figure emerged and dragged him through
> the portal, which then sealed behind them. The audience gasped as they
> realized what they had just witnessed.
>       Multi-Tasking Man's face reappeared on the screen. "As you can see,"
> he intoned, "Cheesecake Eater Lad is alive!"
>       There was a short, sharp shriek, and aLLiterative Lass fainted.
>       "However... he has been kidnapped!"

Dun dun dunnnnn! I like how it did get "retconned" before the story even ended. X3

>       Well, this is, more or less, the ending I'd envisioned from the moment
> we started working seriously on Flame Wars IV. Of course, I'd thought there
> might be a bit more interest in contributing to this from other authors,
> but there wasn't. I blame myself for not making it more inviting.

Ehhhh. I've been there and sometimes the collective will just isn't. It happens 
and it's nobody's fault. :>

>       I also want to apologize for the size of the title. I tried repeatedly,
> and failed repeatedly, to come up with something snazzier and smaller.

I love long titles and this is good

> !!! The funeral issue?  Sh*t, I've been procrastinating on this
> for almost two months.  PANIC!!!

Saxon you're so great. X3

>       There *was* more to it than that, but ARAK didn't want to elaborate
> on all of the stuff that he had inside himself at the moment. He felt
> like a weasel. He doubted that the others would disagree with his
> self-assessment if they became aware of how much he was brooding about
> his own anxieties. And he also doubted if he'd be able to keep a civil
> tongue in his head if that happened.

Sweetie.

>       .oO( Need to have a crossover with the Exarchs series, track down
> the Nun On The Road, throw her to the ground and jump on her head so
> that it smashes open like an f*cking OVERRIPE MELON!!! )

Sweeeeetie. ^^;;;

>       Captain Rat Creature gently butted ARAK with his head in a gesture
> of commiseration.

Yes that. (SO CUTE)

>       Anal-Retentive Archive Kid tried to give the gaudily dressed young
> hamster a grateful look. He was pretty sure that it came out as a rictus
> grimace.

Honey. X3

>       It was also ridiculous that he should be so despondent. He'd helped
> with the design of the device that had been used to destroy OMAR - but it
> wouldn't be seemly to indulge in triumphalism when so many people had
> died. It also wasn't seemly to put his own self-pity forward for exactly
> the same reason: there were others who had been hurt - either maimed or
> killed - far worse than he had been.
>       However, every time he tried to put the thoughts of his own problems
> out of his head they returned as persistent as ever.

ABSOLUTELY know that anxiety.

>       "I really doubt if even you would want to sleep with someone who's
> HIV positive," he growled sullenly.
>       She blinked in surprise. Then her eyes narrowed. "Well that's a
> stupid assumption. The name is Sleeps-With-ANYTHING-Alive Girl, buster.
> You think I'm not immune to contracting or transmitting social diseases?
> Think again."

God, I love the way Jamie used SWAAGirl, and Saxon's use here is also really good.

>       Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl stared at him. Then she gently ran
> one (smelly) hand down his cheek and said very seriously, "I really do
> think you need something to take your mind off your anger. If not with
> me, then with SOMEBODY. Don't let your anger poison your soul."
>       And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, woman? Right in the middle of
> a funeral isn't the time for proposing hasty sex. )
>       And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, man? People mourn in different
> ways and at different times. You know that. And as for the others who'll
> disagree, well, do you really care what troublemaking busybody like Self-
> Righteous Preacher thinks? )
>       And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, man? You're just trying to
> distract yourself from Chinese Guy's death. You're feeling guilty just
> 'cause your last words to him were abuse that OMAR made you make. You
> don't need to punish yourself by having a necrophilic screw with a
> zombie. Besides, you can have sex later. )
>       And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, man? You haven't got a girl-
> friend. No one is going to want to form a relationship with a HIV leper.
> You're not going to get any action if you tell people what you've got,
> and if you don't tell they'll use it as an excuse to sue your arse off.
> If you want some American Pie you'll have to take what you can, loser. )
>       And ARAK said, "Sure. Your place or mine?"

THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD. I mean also that's objectifying and fucked up towards 
the end but it makes so much sense for ARAK to be in that place, and the point 
about people mourning is genuinely good, and aaaaaaaaaaaa <3 <3 <3

Drew "SAXON IS A REALLY GOOD WRITER" Perron


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