LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #100: FLAME WARS IV Part Seven

[Drew Perron]

On 3/31/2019 5:39 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Oh, it's the 100th issue of Classic LNH Adventures!  (And if I had actually
> stuck to the posting an issue every week -- well we would have certainly got
> to this issue last year -- but oh well..)  Anyways..

Glad to have gotten here at all. :> <3

> FLAME WARS IV #5 by Saxon Brenton and Jamie Rosen we finally reach the finale
> of this crossover.  And will another hero die -- perhaps one that is actually
> popular with the readers -- so popular in fact that most likely this death will
> be retconned away years later?  Will that happen?  Hmm.  I guess you'll have to
> read to find that one out.

It's a pretty standard pattern, huh X3

>       Cannon Fodder sighed and rolled off of his bed. He'd known as soon as
> he'd heard Ultimate Ninja call for volunteers for the attack on OMAR that he
> was going to sucked into taking part -- it sounded like a suicide mission,
> and those practically had his name emblazoned on them. Sure, he knew his
> 'power' made him the most logical candidate for those sorts of things, but
> that didn't mean he was *excited* about it.

I really like the eventual take Lalo did on this in 58.5, where Cannon Fodder 
connected to an actual reason to do what he does.

>       "Thank you for taking part in this mission," said the Master of Jinsu,
> making an obvius effort to be as polite as he could manage, presumably to
> keep everyone level-headed going into battle with OMAR.

Ooooh, good thought.

>       "It had my name on it." He had to admit, he *could* have shirked his
> duty if he'd been willing to face the disgust of his teammates, and quite
> possibly the wrath of hordes of angry trolls. He likely would have died
> either way, but at least this way he could feel okay about himself.

Cannon Fodder is a good person.

> Cannon Fodder wasn't too sure about the make-up of
> the team -- there was Captain Redundant, and Girl/Boy, who he hadn't seen
> in a long time, and Captain Redundant, and Giant Wandering Cow Kid, whose
> bovine nature had eventually proven resistant to trollification, and
> Cheesecake Eater Lad, whose new costume made him look much more menacing
> and effective.

But was Captain Redundant there?

> "We believe that the key to weakening OMAR is to cut off his
> access to the hate he creates in the hearts of others. Without access to
> that hate, he should be substantially weaker. This machine does two things --
> first, it will use subatomic particles to create a barrier to OMAR's hate.

Huh. I would absolutely have done something literally powered by emotions or such.

> Cannon Fodder, it's your responsibility to activate the
> device when OMAR is within range. The rest of you, it's your responsibility
> to protect Cannon Fodder while he's getting into range."
>       "Ultimate Ninja, sir," Girl/Boy said, "what exactly *is* the device's
> range?"
>       "Doctor Stomper assures me the barrier is effective up to a
> distance of sixty-nine inches, ninety nine percent of the time."
>       "That's pretty close," Captain Redundant said. "It's not very far."
>       "No," Ultimate Ninja agreed. "It isn't."

Oh boy. @. at v

>       A small... er, no, make that a *large* black and white ball of
> net.heroism hurtled into the doors to the military installation, snapping the
> lock off and sending the heavy metal doors themselves flying several feet
> backwards.

COW POWER

>       "Thanks, Giant Wandering Cow Kid," Girl/Boy said.
>       "Mooo," mooed the heroic heifer.
>       "Thanks, Giant Wandering Cow Kid," added Captain Redundant.

Heeheehee

>       Cannon Fodder looked around nervously. The whole installation was quiet.
> Too quiet. He'd been caught in enough ambushes, booby traps, and botched
> missions to have a general idea of what was going to happen next. He glanced
> at his watch. Three... two... one...
>       A trio of trolls in tattered army fatigues jumped out of a broom closet
> down the hall, cursing a blue streak. "You little $#!+heads!" shouted one of
> them. "Your pathetic, you konw. We shouldnt' even waste our time with you."
> With that, the speaker burst into a run, his two compatriots hot on his heels,
> their shouted profanities merging into one incoherent rant.

I enjoy the way Cannon Fodder's awareness of tropes is turned into tactical 
understanding.

>       As he turned, a tormented lowing split the air. Giant Wandering Cow Kid
> had been brought down to her knees by the trolls, and their teeth and claws
> had left her monochromatic pelt tinted crimson with her blood.

Damn that's a powerful image.

>       He knelt beside the fallen Giant Wandering Cow Kid. Cradling her head
> in his hands, he could tell that she was still breathing, but it was shallow,
> laboured and hoarse.
>       "GIWACK," he said. "GIWACK, can you hear me?"
>       "moo...?" It was a weak moo, questioning, disoriented.
>       "GIWACK... hang on. We're going to get you to LNHHQ and have Doc Stomper
> and Doctor Bad-Bedside-Manner fix you up good as new. Just hang on."
>       "moo..." Her breathing stopped.

Man, I'm processing the tone here... it's definitely a powerful attempt.

>       "We have to," Girl/Boy said. "Look, I don't like it any more than you.
> GIWACK -- " The hero choked. "Rachel was my best friend. But we're here to
> stop OMAR and save the lives of everyone he's turned into a troll. If we don't
> do that, her death will be meaningless, and I won't let that happen!"
>       Closing his eyes, Cannon Fodder relented. Girl/Boy was right. When all
> this was over... when all this was over, he'd see to it Giant Wandering Cow
> Kid got a hero's burial. The kind of burial she deserved. Gently, he lowered
> her head to the floor, then stood up. "Let's go."

And this helps, quite a bit. <3

>       "Hmm," Cannon Fodder mused. "A troll with pretensions."
>       "The worst kind," added Captain Redundant.

Heeheehee

> Besides, the
> weight of the weapon strapped to his waist, underneath his costume, was a
> constant reminder that it was his duty to get to OMAR; the others were here to
> protect him. He didn't like it, but that was the way it was.

That's an extremely good emotional point for a character like Cannon Fodder.

>       "Yes!" Cannon Fodder said, rushing forward, then stopping. Captain
> Redundant -- Phil -- didn't look very good. He was pale and coughing, and
> although he had the handgun in one hand, his other was held to his stomach,
> where his clothes were slowly darkening.
>       "*cough* I... *cough* think I *cough* pulled the trigger too many
> times..." He staggered over to the wall and leaning on it. The pistol dropped
> from his right hand, and he took the left away from his stomach to look at
> it. "I'm bleeding," he said matter-of-factly.
>       "You're in shock," Girl/Boy said, running over to him.
>       Phil nodded. "You're right." He coughed again, spitting up blood, and the
> words wouldn't come out when he went to talk. He slid down to the floor,
> leaving a red streak along the wall. "Tell Rick..." he tried to say. "Tell
> Rick I'm sorry."

Oof. This is effective, definitely, especially after editing the wiki pages 
about the Redundant Family recently.

As an aside, I watched Infinity War recently, and I feel like the deaths in this 
chapter especially are done better than the ones there. (Partially because we're 
not supposed to sympathize with OMAR!)

>       Cannon Fodder looked from the prone form of the former Captain Redundant,
> to Girl/Boy, to Cheesecake Eater Lad, and back to Captain Redundant. This
> wasn't how things were supposed to go. *He* had been sent on this mission to
> die. The rest of them were just there to keep him safe.

GOD. That's SUPER powerful and relevant.

>       It was a losing battle Another losing battle. Cannon Fodder couldn't
> watch. Instead, he turned to OMAR and jumped into his arms, hugging the small
> green fiend closely.
>       "I forgive you," Cannon Fodder said, activating the device strapped to
> his waist. "I know you couldn't help it."

oh

honey

That's-- Wow, if you're going to bring in a theme like that just for a moment, 
that is the fucking place and this is the fucking way. Gosh that hit me like a 
ton of bricks.

>       Some time later, the mood at LNHHQ was subdued but festive. Most of the
> Legionnaires who had been turned into trolls -- those who had not succumbed
> to the brain tumors, at least -- had begun reverting to their normal forms,
> and some had even regained consciousness. It was a scene of tearful reunions
> and relieved laughter.

Whew. <3

>       "Just a sec," Time Waster Lad replied. "I've still got to finish telling
> aLLiterative Lass about what happened in the broom closet in the main hall,
> and Frat Boy's bedroom, and --"

Wow, TWL and Frat Boy fricked

>       "Where is my Wonderful and Witty husband?" she asked.
>       Time Waster Lad thought for a moment. "Cheesecak Eater Lad? Well, I
> think he's..."
>       "He's dead."
>       The two Net.Heroes looked up and saw the bedraggled form of Cannon
> Fodder leaning wearily on the frame of the front door. He closed his eyes.
>       "They're all dead."
>       Time Waster Lad looked from Cannon Fodder to aLLiterative Lass, but
> before anyone could react, Bad Timing Boy stuck his head in from the hallway.
>       "Who wants cheesecake?" he asked.

pffffff X3;;;; I love BTB

>       After a while footsteps could be heard.
>       A figure in a white disco suit leant down and picked up OMAR's heart.
> Flipseid, dark net.god of the remix and lord of the old paperclips,
> considered the immortal remains of his minion.
>       "So, you have failed me, OMAR," he observed rhetorically. The heart did
> not - could not - reply. "No matter, the Looniearthlings have tasted Fear,
> and will dread my coming as a child dreads the darkness of night. And in
> time, my servant, I may even remake you and send you on another errand."
>       Flipseid gestured. A boom tube formed in the air beside him, and he
> stepped through and out of the world of mortals. For the time being.

God. This is an abrupt and chilling end. I love it.

I feel like #5 hit the tone they were trying for all along. Good job!

Drew "explosions" Perron