LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #101: FLAME WARS IV Epilogues
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Apr 7 14:16:07 PDT 2019
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the final section of FLAME WARS IV!
Funeral For Some Friends: Flame Wars IV Aftermath by Jamie Rosen we bid
farewell to the number of heroes slaughtered in this crossover. But is
Cheesecake Eater Lad truly dead? And if so is he playing the harp in heaven
or maybe playing the banjo in hell?
Or perhaps taking a shower with Dr. Stomper in Master Blaster's room
in a story that's probably been completely elsewhirled away by now? Or
perhaps he's not dead, and I'll feel completely foolish for typing all that
stuff.
And in Funeral For Some Friends, part 2: Flame Wars IV Aftermath by Saxon
Brenton, Saxon worries about being late with posting his part of this -- but
little does past Saxon know that 16 years from then that all his worry doesn't
matter anymore since I've just bundled them both up in this issue of Classic
LNH Adventures and no one will ever be the wiser (assuming I remember to just
delete all that worry away -- which I'll probably forget to do)..
And now...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #101
=====================
FLAME WARS IV Epilogues
=====================
From: dq831 at freenet.carleton.ca (Jamie Rosen)
Subject: [LNH] Funeral For Some Friends: Flame Wars IV Aftermath
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 13 Apr 2003 14:51:17 -0000
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FLAME WARS IV AFTERMATH
It was a typical spring day, sun shining, birds singing, but the wind
that cut across the LNHHQ front lawn brought with it a chill that was
somehow appropriate. Fearless Leader looked out at the assembled Net.Heroes,
their faces -- those that were not obscured by masks -- each showing the
difficulties they had been through over the last several days. He knew that
his own face showed the same pain, mirroring it back to them. That was why
he had been asked to speak first, after all, rather than Ultimate Ninja,
whose stoicism might be seen as insensitivity.
Taking a deep breath, Fearless Leader stepped up to the podium and
began.
"It is always a sad day when we must bury our own. Sadder still when we
must bury them in such large numbers. But it is especially important, on a
day like to day, to remember the way these brave men, women and cows lived,
as well as the way they died. To remember that they were people, full of
laughter and hope, sorrow and sympathy, and that they gave their lives in
the course of doing their duty -- a duty that many other people have been
unwilling to undertake.
"When we speak today of those we have lost, we will remember their
laughter, their hope, their sorrow, their sympathy. But above we will
remember one trait above and beyond all others: their bravery. It was their
bravery, their sacrifices, that made them truly worthy of the term...
Net.Heroes."
He paused briefly and looked down at the podium, trying to swallow a
lump in his throat.
"A great number of you expressed a desire to speak today, to pay
tribute to those we lost in the struggle against OMAR's villainy. And I
would like to say 'thank you' to each and every one of you, for it is just
that sort of dedication that makes me proud to be your teammate. I apologize
that there was not room in the schedule to fit you all in, and I hope that
you will feel free to share your memories with one another after the
ceremony. I believe Multi-Tasking Man will be presenting a video tribute
later in the evening.
"And now I will give way to the first speaker..."
+-+=+-+=+-+
Some people would have said that Cheesecake Eater Lad's old quarters
were haunted, perhaps by his own spirit. They would have said there was
definitely *something* in there, a presence of some sort, even though it
could not be seen, felt, or heard.
They would have been right. But it was not a ghost.
+-+=+-+=+-+
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid glanced at Blue Wave. "I
don't get it," he said as they walked down the hall to Ultimate Ninja's
office. "Why the heck were we told not to attend the memorial service? They
were our freakin' teammates too!"
Blue Wave shook his head. "I don't know, SAFNAR. I'd imagine Ultimate
Ninja had a good reason -- after all, he summoned us to his office."
SAFNAR Kid frowned. "I don't like it. I just don't like it."
They reached Ultimate Ninja's office and, after knocking, went in.
"What do you want, UN?" SAFNAR Kid said, staring daggers at the LNH
leader.
"I want you to sit down," replied the master of ninjitsu. He looked
from SAFNAR Kid to Blue Wave and back again. "Both of you."
When the two Net.Heroes were sitting, Ultimate Ninja steepled his
fingers in front of himself and narrowed his eyes.
"I don't believe in beating around the bush, ninja or otherwise," he
said. "You two are both fired."
Blue Wave's eyes widened and he sank back in his chair. SAFNAR Kid, on
the other hand, leapt out of his.
"WHAT?!"
"You two lost the Normalizer, the one man who seemed able to
effectively counteract trollification. If you hadn't done that, who knows
how many casualties we could have avoided in the battle against OMAR."
"What?" SAFNAR Kid repeated. "That's bull$#!+! Maybe if you'd done your
*job* as the great big *leader* of the Legion, we could have handled things
better. Oh! But I forgot -- you were too busy killing our HR director!"
"Sit down."
"I'll sit down on you!" SAFNAR Kid exclaimed, and would have leapt for
the ninja if Blue Wave hadn't grabbed hold of him.
"Please, SAFNAR," Blue Wave whispered. "Come on. Fighting with him
won't change his mind."
SAFNAR Kid simmered, half-heartedly struggling to get out of Blue
Wave's grip. Finally, he stopped. "Fine," he muttered. "Fine." He sat back
down.
Blue Wave turned to the ninja. "If there isn't anything else...?"
"Actually, there is one more thing," Ultimate Ninja said. "The rest of
your bunch -- Miss Translation and that Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl --
they're gone too. But you can tell them that."
If looks could kill, SAFNAR Kid would have done what no Net.Villain had
ever been able to do -- kill Ultimate Ninja. But they couldn't, so he
didn't. He just stood up, alongside Blue Wave, and left the ninja's office.
+-+=+-+=+-+
The original seating plan for the memorial service had had Cannon
Fodder sitting next to aLLiterative Lass, but with the weight of her
husband's death on his conscience he had quickly found he couldn't stand
sitting there. There were no other seats available, so when the opportunity
presented itself he slipped out of the audience and back into LNHHQ. It was
just as well -- he couldn't help but feel that each and every other person
there was quietly blaming him. Blaming him for Cheesecake-Eater Lad's death,
or Giant Wandering Cow Kid's, or Girl/Boy's, or Captain Redundant's. And
even though he had been assured by Special Bonding Boy that wasn't the
case, well... he just knew different.
Once back inside LNHHQ, his first impulse was to go hide in his room,
but something stopped him. He hadn't left the memorial out of disrespect,
and that was just what hiding in his room would be. The fallen deserved to
be remembered; he just didn't want to do it in a crowd.
So he kept on walking down the hall, past his own room, until he came
to Cheesecake-Eater Lad's old quarters. He smiled in spite of himself -- it
seemed like just yesterday that the Dairy Dessert Defender had gotten
married to his long-time love aLLiterative Lass. Cannon Fodder could
remember how happy his teammate had been. How he hadn't been able to stop
smiling for three weeks.
And now...
The smile disappeared from Cannon Fodder's face. He gently pushed the
door open and looked inside. Hard to believe Cheesecake-Eater Lad wouldn't
be there anymore. He stepped inside, not noticing the tiny turquoise towel
that had been casually dropped on the floor.
His foot landed on it and slipped out from under him. He spent a
frozen moment in the air, looking up at the ceiling, then fell to the
ground. He heard two things before slipping into darkness -- the sound of
his head striking the coffee table, and what sounded like a woman's voice.
*I hate you.*
+-+=+-+=+-+
Multi-Tasking Man frowned. He'd been put in charge of compiling an
appropriate memorial video for the end of the service, and was currently
scanning ten different monitors with video footage of the various Net.Heroes
who had fallen in the battle against OMAR, while simultaneously evaluating
three different video-editing suites and watching the service that was going
on outside. But even for him, it was hard not to keep fixating on what had
happened, and ultimately he had to turn off the monitor that was showing
the service so that he could focus on his other tasks.
He scanned the other monitors: old news reports, interviews on NNN,
even security camera footage. So much to choose from, so much --
Wait a minute.
Still watching the other monitors, he rewound one of the security
camera tapes and let it play back. If the date was to be believed, this was
from the day of the suicide mission. He rewound it twice again, just to be
sure, and cross-checked it against the other security cameras and records
of the day. There was no doubt.
+-+=+-+=+-+
When Cannon Fodder came back to the land of the living, he ached all
over and his head itched. He scratched, but no matter where he scratched he
couldn't quite reach the right spot.
*I hate you.*
Huh? Cannon Fodder looked around. Nobody was there. Nobody he could
see, at least.
*I hate you.*
The itching was growing intolerable. It was almost like it was on the
inside of his head. "Am I going mad?" he wondered aloud. Had the weight of
his conscience caused his mind to snap.
*I hate you. You killed Cheesecake Eater Lad, you son of a--*
Okay. Well, even if he believed what the voice was saying, it sure
wasn't his voice. It was a woman.
*I loved him! And I hate you.*
aLLie? No, she couldn't project her thoughts, couldn't turn
invisible...
Invisible...
"You!" he said, getting to his feet. "Fourth Wall Lass told me about
you. Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass. You were in love with Cheesecake
Eater Lad!"
*Yes. I was. And now he's DEAD, and it's YOUR FAULT!*
Well, if he wasn't mad already, the itchiness was going to drive him
mad.
"I know," he said quietly.
*I hate you, you... You -- what?*
"I said I know."
Before the conversation could continue, a commotion from outside drew
Cannon Fodder to the window. Something was going on at the memorial service.
He opened the window so that he could hear what was going on.
+-+=+-+=+-+
The memorial speeches had been given for everyone except Cheesecake
Eater Lad. Just as Fearless Leader had been about to take the podium once
more to introduce the final speaker, Multi-Tasking Man had appeared on the
giant monitor behind him.
"Legionnaires, Net.Heroes, I have some news which may shock you," he
said. His face was then replaced by footage from a security camera.
The footage showed the LNH's military liaison for the OMAR situation,
Major Reason, approaching Cheesecake Eater Lad in the hallway, and the
two men entering a conference room together. Another camera then cut in,
this one inside the room, where the two men spoke briefly before Major
Reason attacked Cheesecake Eater Lad from behind, knocking him out and
putting on his costume. Clad as Cheesecake Eater Lad, Major Reason then
exited the room, leaving behind a naked Net.Hero. Then, just as the Dairy
Dessert Defender was regaining consciousness, a strange portal opened up
in the room, and a vaguely equine figure emerged and dragged him through
the portal, which then sealed behind them. The audience gasped as they
realized what they had just witnessed.
Multi-Tasking Man's face reappeared on the screen. "As you can see,"
he intoned, "Cheesecake Eater Lad is alive!"
There was a short, sharp shriek, and aLLiterative Lass fainted.
"However... he has been kidnapped!"
+-THE=END-+
?
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Well, this is, more or less, the ending I'd envisioned from the moment
we started working seriously on Flame Wars IV. Of course, I'd thought there
might be a bit more interest in contributing to this from other authors,
but there wasn't. I blame myself for not making it more inviting.
Some of the story here will continue in _The Continuing Misadventures
of Miss Translation_ -- as the characters of that series now have to leave
LNHHQ and move into their own place. Cannon Fodder and IIIL will also be
appearing in that series shortly, as the search for Cheesecake Eater Lad and
the search for the Normalizer dovetail.
I also want to apologize for the size of the title. I tried repeatedly,
and failed repeatedly, to come up with something snazzier and smaller.
Cannon Fodder is reserved for the moment, as is Cheesecake Eater Lad. Just
until the abovementioned search is resolved.
Everyone used, AFAIK, either belongs to me or is in general use. Feel free
to contact me if I've stepped on anyone's toes; I tried not to.
All contents copyright 2003 Jamie Rosen.
--
I need scissors! 61!
From: saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au (Saxon Brenton)
Subject: [LNH] Funeral For Some Friends, part 2: Flame Wars IV Aftermath
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
Date: 18 Apr 2003 06:15:12 -0000
!!! The funeral issue? Sh*t, I've been procrastinating on this
for almost two months. PANIC!!!
Okay, here is a scene that takes place more or less concurrently
with the previous post by Jamie.
Funeral For Some Friends, part 2: Flame Wars IV Aftermath
A Legion of Net.Heroes imprint
by a terribly late Saxon Brenton
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid's emotions were an ugly tangle. He felt
angry and depressed and anxious. The others thought he was upset over the
death of Chinese Guy and the other Legionnaires who had fallen as a
result of the arrival and activities of OMAR.
And to an extent they were right. Bruce had been a friend and
drinking buddy. The rest of the deceased heroes he had also known to a
greater or lesser extent, and all had been good men and women who hadn't
deserved what the little alien troll-god had wrought.
There *was* more to it than that, but ARAK didn't want to elaborate
on all of the stuff that he had inside himself at the moment. He felt
like a weasel. He doubted that the others would disagree with his
self-assessment if they became aware of how much he was brooding about
his own anxieties. And he also doubted if he'd be able to keep a civil
tongue in his head if that happened.
Fourth Wall Lass' gaze flickered over to him. "You've gone beyond
looking stressed," she said quietly. "You're not coming down with a
migraine, are you?"
He shook his head. "I just feel all tense," he said truthfully but
not totally truthfully. "I want to hit something."
Retcon Lad traded a glance with the Net.Elementalist. "Maybe we
could go up the back?" RLad suggested. "That way you won't be stuck in a
chair if you feel all fidgety."
"Fidgety?"
"Need to get up and pace about. Whatever. You know what I mean."
.oO( Need to have a crossover with the Exarchs series, track down
the Nun On The Road, throw her to the ground and jump on her head so
that it smashes open like an f*cking OVERRIPE MELON!!! ) added ARAK to
himself. He realised he was clenching and unclenching his fists, tried to
calm himself down, and wasn't able do a particularly good job of it.
Captain Rat Creature gently butted ARAK with his head in a gesture
of commiseration. The giant radioactive space hamsters had decided to
stay for the memorial service before returning to their homeworld. He
said, "Just tell us where you'd be more comfortable."
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid tried to give the gaudily dressed young
hamster a grateful look. He was pretty sure that it came out as a rictus
grimace. "Uhm. Look, there's no need for the rest of you to move on my
account. I'll... go take your suggestion, and if I need to get some fresh
air or something then I won't be anybody's way if I'm up the back."
"If you're sure," said the Net.Elementalist.
"Yeah. Don't worry. I just need some time alone," he said. The
others nodded as he made his way towards the rear of the throng. As he
went ARAK reflected on how ridiculous he was being: the memorial was
being held outdoors. There was no reason for him to feel so hemmed in.
It was also ridiculous that he should be so despondent. He'd helped
with the design of the device that had been used to destroy OMAR - but it
wouldn't be seemly to indulge in triumphalism when so many people had
died. It also wasn't seemly to put his own self-pity forward for exactly
the same reason: there were others who had been hurt - either maimed or
killed - far worse than he had been.
However, every time he tried to put the thoughts of his own problems
out of his head they returned as persistent as ever. ARAK found himself
having to work hard to keep from hyperventilating in agitation, and he
withdrew himself back further from the assembly of heroes.
"Well, hello ARAK," said a sultry voice accompanied by the smell of
putrid flesh. "You look rather tense." It was Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
Girl. Her current undead state as a zombie hadn't affected her libido,
although it had interfered with her sex life.
"Hi SWAAG," he said, trying to keep his voice even.
She threw a sad look over her shoulder at the funeral. "All getting
a bit much, huh?"
"You could say that."
She nodded. "After the service, come around and see me. I might not
be able to make the grief go away, but I can at least make you forget
about it for a while."
"I really doubt if even you would want to sleep with someone who's
HIV positive," he growled sullenly.
She blinked in surprise. Then her eyes narrowed. "Well that's a
stupid assumption. The name is Sleeps-With-ANYTHING-Alive Girl, buster.
You think I'm not immune to contracting or transmitting social diseases?
Think again." She gave him a penetrating look - all business, and no
longer the business of seduction. "You want to talk about it?"
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid watched the rear of the memorial service
for a while, then he said, "There isn't anything to talk about. OMAR
came, OMAR saw, OMAR made everyone act crazy. There was a fundie... no,
a Christian Terrorist who tried to attack one of the quidditch players
at uni with an infected needle, and when I stopped him he attacked me
instead." He turned back to look at her. "Organic Lass gave me the news
this morning."
"I'm sorry to hear that," she said. "That's pretty rough."
"Yeah, well. Not as rough as some people have had it," he said,
looking back at the memorial and angry at the world in general. "You know
what I really want? Hitting something isn't really anything more than a
quick feel-good fix. I wish that Theomortic Dysentery was more than just
a nuisance. I want to see Pat Robertson, or Jerry Falwell, or Franklin
Graham get up on a podium on national television to give one of their
diatribes, and then collapse on the floor leaking sh*t form BOTH ends."
He let out a breath, and noticed that he was clenching and unclenching
his fists again. He looked up and smiled. "You will of course excuse me,"
he said with a brightness that was alloyed with bitterness and self-
mockery. "Since I'm not a net.ahuman all I have are my revenge fantasies."
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl stared at him. Then she gently ran
one (smelly) hand down his cheek and said very seriously, "I really do
think you need something to take your mind off your anger. If not with
me, then with SOMEBODY. Don't let your anger poison your soul."
And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, woman? Right in the middle of
a funeral isn't the time for proposing hasty sex. )
And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, man? People mourn in different
ways and at different times. You know that. And as for the others who'll
disagree, well, do you really care what troublemaking busybody like Self-
Righteous Preacher thinks? )
And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, man? You're just trying to
distract yourself from Chinese Guy's death. You're feeling guilty just
'cause your last words to him were abuse that OMAR made you make. You
don't need to punish yourself by having a necrophilic screw with a
zombie. Besides, you can have sex later. )
And ARAK thought .oO( Are you stupid, man? You haven't got a girl-
friend. No one is going to want to form a relationship with a HIV leper.
You're not going to get any action if you tell people what you've got,
and if you don't tell they'll use it as an excuse to sue your arse off.
If you want some American Pie you'll have to take what you can, loser. )
And ARAK said, "Sure. Your place or mine?"
-------------------
Net.Elementalist created by Jamas Enright. Cameod without permission.
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl created by Tom Russell. Reserved by Jamie
Rosen, who had agreed to let me do this even if since then he's probably
gotten to the point of thinking it was never going to happen.
All other characters appearing here created by Saxon Brenton.
All characters owned and copyright 2003 by their creators.
==========
Next Week: Can you Just Imagine Saxon Brenton? Can you? Now can you Just
Imagine Saxon Brenton's RACCies!? Well, even if you can't -- don't worry
you can just read other people imagining Saxon Benton's RACCies when I post
the first part of this story!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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