LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #69: Birth Of A Villain Part Nine

[Drew Perron]

On 7/15/2018 4:25 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Returning to the Birth of a Villain cascade with #25 is Saxon
> Brenton with some Alt.stralian voting infosmackdown action!  A
> voting infosmackattack so intense that it would take another two
> years for someone else to write an issue of Birth of a Villain.

To be fair, it's a very useful infosmack.

> And that person that was brave enough to follow Saxon's voting
> infosmackagedon?  His name is Rob Rogers.  And his issue is #26.

ROB IS SO COOL AND GOOD AND VALID.
>       Writers Block Woman considered this. "Just a moment. The only place
> were voting is compulsory is Alt.stralia. I thought after issue 11-and-
> a-half that you weren't supposed to be an Alt.stralian."
>       Chinese Guy shook his head. "That was back when we still though I
> was Crazy Guy, and we've sorted *that* plot point out at least. But
> with a name like Bruce *and* a deranged Alt.stralian accent straight
> out of a bad martial arts movie? Come on, you should be able to realise
> what sort of cliches will come into play here."

So, let's be real, "Chinese Guy" has always been just, a terrible name. X3 And 
the fact that this is a long conversation about how Chinese Guy is Australian 
really illustrates that. I believe Saxon's been meaning to change it for quite a 
long time now.

>       Writers Block Woman nodded thoughtfully, but Fourth Wall Lass
> broke in: "I thought that was supposed to be a set-up for the gag where
> Jack looked like Jackie Chan and you looked like Bruce Lee, but the two
> of you being analogues and appearing identical despite Jackie Chan and
> Bruce Lee looking nothing alike."
>       "Probably that too," agreed CG.

This, however, I love. :D <3

>       "So what's this about compulsory voting?" asked Insomnia Lad.
> "That sounds a bit strange to me."
>       "There are a few countries where it's compulsory to enrol to vote,"
> explained WBW. "My home off Net.Zealand is one of them," she added. "But
> only Alt.stralia goes the next step and makes it compulsory to turn up
> and vote."

You know, there was a point in my life where I might've had a problem with this. 
Now? *We cannot get it fast enough*.

>       "We can run that scene once we start to the Azaria Chameberlain
> jokes," Chinese Guy said. He shuddered, and then said fervently, "Maybe
> we can even use it to *replace* the Azaria Chamberlain jokes."
>       Insomnia Lad was looking confused again. "What am I missing this
> time?"
>       "Even if the Alice Spring where we find the Lotion of Emotion
> *isn't* the town in the middle of Alt.stralia, the name'll still be
> used as an excuse enough for all sorts of jokes in bad taste about
> dingos taking the baby," Writers Block Woman complained.

Seriously, culture is fucked up now, but culture back in the day where "my baby 
was eaten by wild animals" became a *meme*...

>       "By that time the others will probably have returned from being
> lost in time," dirged Chinese Guy, warming to the theme of horror, "and
> a bunch of crazed Ernie Dingo cultists will kidnap Mouse, and you'll
> have to say..."
>       "Stop it! Stop it!" cried Writers Block Woman. "You're making it
> worse!"

Heeheehee

>       "Look, I think we should get going if you want to vote," Fourth
> Wall Lass interjected hastily, trying to ward off their mutual descent
> into Hanrahan-ism.

Still have no idea what that is. X3

>       "By the way," asked Insomnia Lad, "What's the issue your voting
> on? State or national government? Plebiscite?"
>       "Vote on whether to become a republic or not," replied Chinese Guy.
>       Insomnia Lad raised an eyebrow and smiled sardonically. "You do
> realise that the traditional way to settle that question is to fight a
> war of revolution, don't you? Voting on it just so... unorthodox."

The anti-Brexit. (Though I suspect that the overall political arc is *not 
unrelated*.)

>       Chinese Guy grinned and winked. "Perversity. Actually, in the case
> of the Looniverse it'll be even more perverse than you can imagine.
> Saxon - as the only active Australian Writer active in the LNH imprint -
> has unilaterally declared that whatever the vote in Real Life is, the
> result in the Looniverse will be the exact opposite."

And thus, Australia is a republic in the Looniverse. (Yeah, breaking those kinds 
of bonds really is usually a lot harder than a single vote...)

>          "Birth of a Villain" Chapter 26: "For This We Waited Two Years?"

Notably, the two-year gap becomes an incredibly silly plot point in Lalo 
Martins's Weirdness Magnet stories. <3

>          "That should be obvious," said Tsar Chasm, his jet-black shades
> reflecting the scrolling monitor screens of the LNH's central computer
> as he entered the room.
> 
>          "I wish you'd stop appearing out of nowhere like that," Authorial
> said.
> 
>          "And I wish MTV would go back to showing videos again.
> Unfortunately, we're both going to be disappointed.

Oh man, remember when "MTV doesn't play music anymore" was a cultural meme and 
not a faraway memory in the minds of the old? :D

>          Lad and Authorial applauded.
> 
>          "I haven't even told you what we're going to do," Tsar Chasm said.
> 
>          "But you were so dramatic!" Lad said.  "You know who would be the
> perfect person to play him in a movie?  Kelsey Grammer."
> 
>          "Kelsey Grammer is too old," Authorial said.  "Kenneth Branaugh,
> maybe."

Heeheehee. :3 I mean, it'd fit better than Branagh as Poirot. X3 (Amanda refers 
to the 2017 Murder on the Orient Express as "Kenneth Branagh's Trainwreck". It's 
the fun bad.)

>          "ENOUGH!"  Tsar Chasm thundered.  "Haven't you ever wondered why
> you're still sitting here flapping your foolish jaws, while the rest of
> the world's heroes are struck powerless by this 'Legionnaire's Disease?' "
> 
>          Lad and Authorial looked at each other.
> 
>          "Overpowering sex appeal?" they asked in unison.
> 
>          Tsar Chasm sighed.

Heeheehee :3

>          "Look at it this way," Insomnia Lad said.  "If we win, we'll have
> saved the universe, in which case they'll have a huge ceremony in the
> ready room in which Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive-Lass will drape medals
> around our necks.  If we don't, everyone else in the Legion will remain in
> a coma until the world as they know it disintegrates around them.  So, we
> really can't lose."

WILL Team BoaV risk it all - on Super-Pascal's Net.Wager???

>          "What's wrong with Writer's Block Woman?" Chinese Guy whispered.
> Outside, the last wisps of cloud drifted away as the flight.thingee swooped
> low over the ocean.
> 
>          "She hasn't said anything since the Vectorbot disintegrated Mouse and
> the others," DeadHead Man said.  "I've never seen her like this before.
> Granted, I've known her for less than 24 hours, but it still seems out of
> character."

I feel like it would take a more, ah, *focused* story to really make something 
of this pain, so I'm okay with us mostly skipping it. X3

>          "Most of the world's law-enforcement agencies have a general idea
> where The Roq is located," Insomnia Lad said, as the flight.thingee
> shuddered slightly.  "It's just that no one's ever had anything good to say
> about it, inasmuch as no one who's ever been there has managed to come
> back."
> 
>          "Why is that?" Chinese Guy asked, as the "Fasten Seat Belt" sign
> blinked on above their heads.
> 
>          "I can never remember," Insomnia Lad said, as the floor beneath them
> pitched and weapons, medical supplies and communications equipment
> wrenched loose from their fastenings and begin rolling about the
> compartment.  "Oh, wait.  It's because the controls on their vehicles
> suddenly go dead, and they end up sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
> That's it."

*cackles* I love the pacing of the setup and the punchline, and how well it fits 
into the plot.

>          "Toadying puppet!" Brock bellowed.  "Ankle-chewing simp who wouldn't
> know the right way to load a Kalishnokov if the lives of the people's state
> depended upon it!"
> 
>          "Diabolical gutter-sow...You know how is to fire Kalishnikov?"
> Boris asked.
> 
>          <<I was weaned on them,>> Twaeila replied, in perfect Russian.
> <<I've spent my life fighting against the bloated symbols of capitalist
> greed..on battlefields that made Stalingrad look like the Westminster
> Dog Show.  I learned the importance of picking my targets.  And this isn't
> the right one.>>
> 
>          <<My grandfather died at Stalingrad,>> Boris said, lowering his
> hammer while keeping Twaeila locked in his gaze.  <<I would like to know
> more of this battlefield.>>

And *my god* this is a good use of character. Like, Rob takes someone who wasn't 
at all made for this situation, who's part indulgence and part joke, and draws 
deeply on her backstory and worldview.

>          Though successful, Mouse was exhausted.  Her efforts so far had been
> hampered by the fishnet stockings, heavy 'Boy Toy' belt buckle, and stiletto
> heels she'd been forced to wear as part of her faux-Madonna costume, and
> by the shouts of "yowza!" and "shake your money maker" coming from Easily-
> Discovered Man Lite, who watched the catfight with undisguised glee.

Heeheehee.

>          "You don't know the half of it," Mouse said, dodging the blast.
> "Lite, I realize it would be impossible for you to be helpful, but could you
> at least consider staying out of the way?"
> 
>          "But I am being helpful," Lite said.  "I've helped you keep Natasha
> distracted while Coward Lad put our plan into action.  Hit it, Cow-boy!"

I think "subverting being an uncomfortably pervy straight boy by having an 
actual plan" was okay in 2001, but nowadays, we can just skip the first part o3o

>          "Of course," Lite said, "assuming that our ace-in-the-hole, Lenny
> the Squirrel, followed through on the part where he sneaks up behind
> Boris and makes off with the detonator."
> 
>          "You mean the ace-in-the-hole who's over behind the police barricade
> right now, doing pirouettes for peanuts?" Mouse asked.
> 
>          "Yes," Lite said, gritting his teeth.  "That ace-hole."

This pun I *love*. <3 :D <3 Like... possibly my favorite individual gag in this 
entire cascade, and that's saying something.

>          "Doesn't it?" Tsar Chasm smiled.  "Surely you recognized that the
> powers of both Insomnia Lad and Narcoleptic Lad depend on freakish imbalances
> in the supply of serotonin that reaches their brain."
> 
>          "Yes" "Of course" "First thing I thought of," both brothers said.
> 
>          "And," Tsar Chasm continued, "although no one knows for sure what
> the ingredients in Mr. Paprika are, the surgeon general's warning that's
> been on the side of the can since 1984 mentions that it can have unexpected
> effects in the serotonin levels of some users.  It's well known that nobody
> in the Legion of Net.Heroes drinks more Mr. Paprika than Easily-Discovered
> Man Lite.  Actually," Tsar Chasm said, rubbing his chin, "that explains
> an awful lot."

This is such a good retcon. :D It ties things together wonderfully.

>          "...which explains how Vector was able to take over my body."
> Authorial sighed.  "If only she'd done more with it."
> 
>          "We can look into that later," Tsar Chasm began.
> 
>          "Really?"
> 
>          "No," Tsar Chasm said.

Heeheehee. (Also... trans vibes~)

>          Go away, Taft thought, and bellowed: bellowing always made him feel
> better, and seeing the horrified expressions on the faces of the churchmen
> brought a warm glow to his decomposing heart.  And yet the thought would not
> go away, no matter how much smashing and bellowing and destroying he did
> to quiet it: the notion that, much as he enjoyed it, THIS IS NOT WHAT
> TEDDY WOULD DO.

This is also *insanely amazing* characterization. Prefiguring Rob's amazing and 
great "Dead Presidents" arc.

>          "The Nodakommandos and the Church," Father Brown explained, his
> thin grey lips curving upward in a smile.  "Their goal is to bring the
> Author David Henry to this universe.  Our goal has always been to preserve
> our own world against the interference of other universes by allowing only
> One True Author to communicate with us.  It matters not to us which author
> that may be.  We have reached an understanding."

*Another* amazing tying-together of plot elements. :D

>          "Perhaps," said the Acolyte, as the golden deacons raised their
> hands, filling the room with sweet-smelling incense.  "But you've forgotten
> one thing."
> 
>          "What's that?" Father Brown asked.  The deacons lowered their arms.
> 
>          "I'm not sure," the Acolyte said, taking the opportunity to bolt for
> one of the chamber doors.  "But I'm sure I'll think of something."

And that's a great line. X3

>          "I thought you said creation was like a film strip, with each
> window on the strip representing a different universe at a unique point in
> time," Authorial said.
> 
>          "And so it is," Tsar Chasm said, "except the fabric of each of those
> universes isn't solid, like a film strip.  It's fluid; it shifts, like the
> water in an ice cube tray."
> 
>          "Except that it's not frozen," Lad said.  "So, it's more like a
> water cube tray."

Creation is like an infinitely complex system for which any metaphor can only be 
a gross simplification, so shut up and eat your ice

>          "We see things -- sense things -- happening to us in this universe,
> in the present," Tsar Chasm said.  "But in reality, our universe is
> constantly interacting with other universes, sending small ripples throughout
> its fabric.  That's part of the natural order of things."

This is a very good explanation.

>          "But not according to the Church of the Fourth Wall," Authorial said.
> 
>          "No," Tsar Chasm said.  "They believe any interference between this
> universe and others is an abomination.

They're responsible for Crisis on Infinite Earths.

>          "Waitaminute," Lad said.  "What's this about 'eliminating interaction
> between this and other universes?'  How can they do that...unless they
> destroy all of the other universes?  Is that why they stole Dr. Stomper's
> files...to create that..."
> 
>          "Interdimensional teleportation device.  Yes," Tsar Chasm said.
> "That is exactly what they are going to do."

See?

(Also, this plot point never gets followed up on either, and that's okay-- it'd 
introduce way too much into an already-crowded cascade.)

>          IS ANYONE STILL AROUND WHO EVEN REMEMBERS THIS SERIES?

Clearly. :D

Drew "seventeen years later, fuck" Perron