LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #77: Mutton Mania Part One

[Arthur Spitzer]

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the first section of Mutton Mania.

And now we have our first cascade of the 00s.  Way back in January of
2000 there was a thread called: '[META] Raccie ballot out by February 1st…'
that another poster known for getting into feuds with other RACC writers
and burning bridges decided to reply to for some strange reason (perhaps to
rekindle some old feud he had with the thread starter -- who knows).  This
of course led to a flame war.

But within the thread another RACC writer by the name of Josh Hartung wondering
why his stories weren't getting the feedback they deserved posted in jest:

  Yeah!  Geez!  Here and I kill Cannon Fodder twice, I get Gorilla Grad laid,
  I kill a Hackemon in a rat trap _and_ get Ultimate Ninja drunk ALL IN ONE
  EPISODE and what do I get?  A correction!  A damned correction!  What do I
  have to _do_ people?!?!?  Fill the headquarters with SHEEP!?!?!

  Come to think of it, that's not a bad idea...

And then Rob Rogers thinking this a swell idea replied with the beginning of what
would eventually be known as -- MUTTON MANIA!!!

And thus another legend with in the HALL of CASCADES was born.

Mutton Mania #1 is by Rob Rogers.  Will there be Sheep?  (Yes!)

#2 is by Josh Hartung who wrote the LNH Series 'The Indie'.  In it
The Ultimate Ninja asks Fred the Receptionist why there's a flock of sheep in
the lobby.  Will the Ultimate Ninja get an answer that satisfies him?

#3 is by John (uplink) Scheibeler.  Steak and Potatoes Man is cooking something
up.  Does it rhyme with the word, Button?

And finally #4 is by Jennifer "Mistlock" Whitson.  The kiwis are very, very unhappy.
Will there be blood?


And now..


              _						
             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #77


                         =====================
                         Mutton Mania Part One
                         =====================






Date: 4 Feb 2000 19:53:32 -0000
From: "Josh Hartung" <j.o.s.hartung at worldnet.att.net>
Subject: [LNH]  The Sheep Cascade Story, or Mutton Mania Parts 1-7
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative

Figured I'd get this all put together all nice & purty before
proceeding...Actually, my chapter was supposed to come right after Jenn's,
but I've been having a little newsgroup trouble (damn thee, at&t!!!)

So here goes...


PART ONE
Rob Rogers  (rogersr at shore.net) wrote:

"Afternoon, everybody," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite, pushing his way
through the revolving-glass door that stood between the world and the Legion
of Net.Heroes Headquarters.

"NORM...wait, that's someone else," Fred, the receptionist said.

"Any mail, phone messages or...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?" Lite  gasped,
noticing for the first time the crowds of snow-white sheep that filled the
lobby with their contented bleating.

"Do you like it?" Fred asked.  "The doctor said people would notice the
difference."

"I'm not talking about your hairwave, you brainless...uh, please tell me you
were just talking about your hairwave," Lite said.

"Yes."

"Thank God.  Now...what in the name of Bo Peep is going on here?"

"Oh, that," Fred said, running one hand through his luxuriant mane. "Well,
from what we've been able to piece together, apparently Weirdness Girl was
crowd-surfing during this weekend's 'Boppapalooza' concert..."

"You mean," Lite said, "the combination of the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98
Degrees, New Kids on the Block, New Edition, the Monkees, every member of
the Jackson Five except Michael, and Kids  Incorporated?  The one that
inspired every active Legionaire to investigate which arch-villain was
responsible for organizing it?"

"That one," Fred said.  "Weirdness Girl was crowd-surfing, and, well,
someone dropped her.  The next thing anyone knew, the entire audience --
besides her -- had been transformed into sheep."

"I see," Lite said.  "How long did it take for anyone to notice the
difference?"

"Hard to say," Fred said.  "Fortunately for everyone involved, Brittany
happened to have a shepherd's crook on her at the time.  She and a few
border collies who were in the neighborhood herded the entire lot of them
back here, and, well, there we are."

"Comin' through!" screamed Captain Cleanup, racing through the now-excited
throng of scattering sheep on what appeared to be a modified Zamboni ice
cleaner.  A tremendous vacuum cleaner at the rear of the vehicle swept the
tiled lobby floor free of sheep droppings.

"Yahoo!" Cleanup shouted over the window-shaking, Perot-like sucking sound.
"Now, that's a man's poop!"

"Interesting," Lite said.  "How has all of this affected the effectiveness
of the Legion?"

"Well," Fred said, "Bad-Timing Boy bumped into the flock right after all of
them had run across the shag carpeting in the  pinball lounge.  The doctors
say it's amazing anyone hit with that much static electricity could survive.
Mouse keeps muttering about how she left home to get away from all this, and
Steak & Potatoes Man has been sharpening knives all day and singing 'I've
Got Plenty of Mutton.' "

"In other words, nothing out of the ordinary," Lite sighed.  A glow of
realization slowly spread across his face.  "And
Ultimate Ninja?"

"He hasn't yet recovered from the...circumstances...that attended him in the
latest issue of _The Indie_," Fred explained.  "Actually, I expect him to
walk in any minute now...Lite?  Are you going to get help?"

"Eventually," Lite said.  "Right after I fetch my camcorder."

****************************************************************************

PART TWO
Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net) wrote:

Just then, Ultimate Ninja walked in the door with an unsure pace.

"Fred," UN said.  "Get me a case of Gatorade."

"Right away boss,"  Fred replied.

"And Fred,"  Ultimate Ninja added.  "What is a flock of sheep doing in the
lobby?"

"They're teeny-boppers turned sheep, sir."

"And why are they here?"

"Wierdness Girl may have made them that way, sir.  But a super-villain may
be involved."

"Which super-villain?"

"We don't know, sir.  But we suspect it's entertainment related."

With that, Fred filled in Ultimate Ninja on Rob's message.  After hearing
the exposition, Ultimate Ninja put his head in his hands and let out a small
moan.

"Why did it have to be entertainment related?"  Ultimate Ninja said.  "Fred,
hand me the phone."

Ultimate Ninja took a card out of his pocket which read, "THE INDIE AND
GAFFER:  ENTERTAINMENT RELATED SUPER-HEROES" and began dialing...

****************************************************************************

PART THREE
uplink (uplink989 at hotmail.com) wrote:

In the galley, Steak-And-Potatoes Man was happily singing to himself while
sharpening knives.  In fact, he was happy to be included in a story at all.
Since his author had disappeared in 1994, it seemed like the entire LNH had
forgotten about him, except when they wanted a good breakfast to start the
day right.

That was important, a good breakfast.  Otherwise you'd never be able to
summon up the energy for some serious heroicness.

"Onion Lad, how does Mutton and Onions sound?" he asked the figure standing
next to him.

"I've never had mutton before," replied Onion Lad.  While the boy could make
onions taste good, smelling like onions was always a bad side-effect of his
power, although sometimes it served him well.  Steak-And-Potatoes Man was
one of the few heroes of the LNH which could stand his strongest stench.
Indeed, the older hero often told him it 'reminds me of where I learned my
art...'

"Hmmm."  Steak-And-Potatoes Man looked down into the cookbook held open in
front of the counter.  "We'll just see what The Book has to say."

Without a wasted move, he flipped pages in the laminated 3-ring binder with
the tips of the carving knives he so expertly wielded.  "It's too bad the
Witchery of San has nothing to say on using mutton.  But maybe some of the
other masters can help... Tsai... Flay... Childs..." He stopped carving for
a brief moment.  "By the Sacred Essence of St. Emeril, I have it!"

"Have what?"  Onion Lad was surprised at Steak-And-Potatoes Man's epithet;
the elder hero was usually too reserved to utter such things.

 "Mutton Surprise!"

****************************************************************************

PART FOUR
Jennifer Whitson (jawhitso at uci.edu) wrote:

Meanwile, a few floors up, every door leading to the LNH Flight.thingee bay
had been barricaded shut. Every available piece of scrap had been shoved up
against the doors, up to and including some of the smaller .thingees. But
the ventilation shaft covers hung open, every one, and the floor of the bay
was covered with a mass of scurrying green bodies.

The kiwis were very unhappy.

At the center of the bay an older, bulkier kiwi stood squinting at the
ventilation shaft opening, surrounded by a squadron of young, eager support
staff. The old kiwi had the look about him of a veteran, one not to be
messed with on the field of battle, be it mental or physical. Around his
neck, a black tie with thin red diagonal pinstripes. A power tie. A
_lawyer's_ tie.

The Oozlefinches had been bad enough. But sheep, now? Sheep? This could not
be allowed to go any further.

And so one of their strongest and best had sacrificed his soul to the dark
forces, the sucking pit of heartless power that is the legal profession, and
tied the striped noose around his neck.

"Kiwi. Kiwi kiwi. Kiwi, kiwi kiwi, kiwi! Kiwi," he said, delivering a
stunning stream of leagalese that the author unfortunately cannot translate,
because she has five minutes before she has to leave for work, and they
started off into the ventilation shafts.

To the enemy.

They'd teach these sheep a thing or two about tresspassing.

****************************************************************************

==========
Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Two!!
==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer