LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #81: Mutton Mania Part Five
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Oct 28 13:56:15 PDT 2018
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the fifth section of Mutton Mania.
Mutton Mania #12 gives us some more Martin Phipps. Ultimate Ninja
has a flashback to the good old days before he was in a cascade with
sheep.
And for #13 some more Josh Hartung. Now it's time for the heroes to
do what they do best. And that would be talking about doing something.
Lot's and lot's of talking.
And now..
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #81
=====================
Mutton Mania Part Five
=====================
PART TWELVE
Ultimate Ninja could barely think straight. Indeed, he could barely stand.
His mind wondered back to his youth, to the days of his Ninja training in
Japan.
(Begin flashback)
"You have finished your training, Lenny."
"Does that mean that I'm a ninja, Sensei."
"Yes. But to be the _Ultimate_ Ninja you must follow my advice intil the
day you die."
"OK. What advice is that?"
"First, you must drink no more tea. Too much caffeine. Bad for the
reflexes."
"OK."
"Second, you must deny yourself the pleasures of the flesh."
"No women?"
"No women."
"Well... OK. Is that it?"
"Third, you must never drink any alcohol."
"No booze?"
"No booze."
"No even saki. I mean, all your other students get to drink saki."
"No."
"Well... I don't know..."
Ultimate Ninja's sensei shook his head. "I foresee a great future for you,
Lenny. You will be known as the Ultimate Ninja! You will lead a great
army! A legion of heroes! But you must follow my advice for, if you do
not, you will lose your powers as the Ultimate Ninja and just be yet another
hapless ninja, the kind that wouldn't last three seconds against a real hero
like yourself!"
"Say that again? A legion of heroes?"
"You will be honoured! Respected! Looked up to!"
"Really?"
"Hey, 'Ninj! Are you coming or are we going to have to leave you behind?"
"Huh?"
(End flashback)
Ultimate Ninja stood up staight and looked Opinionated Lad directly in the
eye. "Indeed! I've decided! We're going to follow the copper wire to
Sheepshagger's hideout!"
"Hear that guys?" Opinionated Lad asked. "_He_'s decided. Wow, 'Ninj, what
would we ever do without you?"
Ultimate Ninja cringed. He must not let them know about his weakness. He
recalled the words of Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese general,
specifically the passage that (when translated) read "Even when surrounded
by the enemy and facing almost certain defeat, you must tell your officers
that victory is at hand, for only then will you actually be able to achieve
victory".
By the same token, then, he wouldn't tell his teammates that the copper
trail is almost certainly a trap. Of course, Sheepshagger wanted them to
find the copper! That's the only reason he would have deliberately left a
cotton trail. But did the Sheepshagger really expect them to hand over the
sheep?
Ultimate Ninja's mind just wasn't able to properly focus on the problem at
hand. Nevertheless, he had to remain confident in order to insprire his
troops. It was the only way.
Martin (actually did take that from Sun Tzu) Phipps
PART THIRTEEN
by Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net)
Working with the League of Net.Heroes had been one the most disorienting
experiences of The Indie's life. (Well, aside from that cognac bender
during his junior year in college where he referred to himself in the royal
"we" for five months.) In fact, ever since Occultism Kid took care of the
overgrown wool, his sense of identity had become.... murky. Ill-defined.
Oddly enough, Gaffer felt the same way.
"Dude," Gaffer said to The Indie. "What am I doing with your camera? And
why the hell did I call myself an artist? I'm not an artist, I'm an
electrician!"
"Just think '$100 an hour' and go with the flow," The Indie replied, taking
his camera back.
The Indie and Gaffer followed the rest of the team out of the headquarters
and towards downtown Net.ropolis, where the copper wire led.
"Okay, maybe I'm out of line here," Lite said. "But doesn't this all look a
hell of a lot like a trap?"
"Of course it does, my faithful sidekick!" Easily-Discovered Man said. "But
in order to bring down this vile perverter of all things ovine, we must
throw ourselves, boldly and foolishly, into the brobdignagian machinations
of our Saxon foe!"
"I'd hardly call the desire to molest sheep a 'brobdignagian machination,'"
Opinionated Lad commented.
"Well, actually..." The Indie said, attempting to interject.
"Nonetheless!" Easily-Discovered Man interrupted. "Such is our task!"
"You know, I think..." The Indie said, trying to interject again.
"Well, how much sense does that make?" Opinionated Lad interrupted. "If we
_know_ we're walking into a trap, then why are we doing it?"
"Actually, I..." The Indie began.
"Because we are heroes, o biased battler of the baneful!" Easily-Discovered
Man interrupted. "Whilst we are well aware of our impending peril--nay,
e'en our doom--we must still sally forth to save the life of Deja Dude!"
"You say that as if it's a good reason," Opinionated Lad cracked.
"Oh hell with it," The Indie said to himself. He clicked open the shutter
to his camera, aimed it at the assembled Legionnaires and called "ACTION!"
With that, the Legionnaries began to flickered, blurred, flattened and
shrink into the camera.
"I don't mean to tell you how to do your job," Gaffer said. "But is that a
good way to get on with your teammates?"
"By all indications, the people sucked into the camera never know it
happened," The Indie replied, checking his pockets. Unfortunately, since he
had rushed over to LNH Headquarters that morning he'd forgotten his
notebook.
"You got a piece of paper?" The Indie asked Gaffer.
"You see, you need to get yourself a pair of Liefield's (TM)" Gaffer said.
"They've got pockets all over them. And it's AMAZING how much each pocket
holds."
Gaffer pulled a tiny notebook out of the fifth left thigh pocket and handed
it to The Indie. The Indie took the notebook and wrote,
"Opinionated Lad, Easily-Discovered Man, Easily-Discovered Man Lite,
Ultimate Ninja and Occultism Kid all listened with rapt attention to The
Indie for a couple minutes." He then tore the page out of the notebook and
slipped it into the camera's Kirbyslot. With that, the camera whirred to
life and the assembled heroes reappeared, looking at The Indie with rapt
attention.
"You had something to say, Indie?" Opinionated Lad asked.
"Okay, first off it's 'THE Indie.' 'Indie' is a character from a Spielberg
film. 'The Indie' is short for 'The Independent Filmmaker.' Thus the
camera. Are we clear?"
The Legionnaires nodded affirmatively.
"Next, Sheepshagger doesn't just want to have his _way_ with sheep. He
wants to amass an unholy army of sheep with which to take over the world and
rule it with an iron fist."
"How do you know that?" Occultism Kid asked.
"I read his press release." The Indie explained.
The Legionnaires looked at him blankly.
"You know--in the trade papers? _Valor?_ _Cape & Tights Weekly?_ _Costumed
Vigilante News?_"
The Legionnaires still looked at him blankly.
"Oh come on people, you work in the industry!" The Indie exclaimed. "At
least get a subscription for the office!"
The assembled Legionnaires looked down at their feet and mumbled excuses.
"At any rate," Ultimate Ninja said. "You were saying about Sheepshagger?"
"Oh, right. When Sheepshagger turned to evil, his publicist made a press
release, hoping to put a positive spin on it. Of course there's only so
much a publicist can do when your name's Sheepshagger. Additionally,
Sheepshagger's gun is called a SHAG. It can turn people with little sense
of individuality into sheep. Thus the teeny-boppers."
"That was in the press release?" Ultimate Ninja asked.
"No, there was an ad for the SHAG in last month's _KABOOMS, Entertainment
for Super-Villains_"
Easily-Discovered Man Lite snickered.
"Hey! I just get it for the articles!" The Indie insisted.
"Yeah, and I only watch _VIP_ for the fight scenes," Opinionated Lad
whispered to Lite.
"I heard that!" The Indie barked.
"Aw, relax Indie--" Opinionated Lad started.
"THE Indie!"
"Whatever. Nice to know you're not completely useless." Opinionated Lad
said. He then turned and pointed to Gaffer, who was sitting on the curb and
fiddling with a length of the copper wire. "But what does he do?"
"All my powers are tied into being a Gaffer--a Chief Lighting Technician,"
Gaffer said. "I can excrete Gaffer's Tape from my hands, I can coil cable
at superhuman speed, I can sense free coffee in a five-block radius, I can
make non-working replicas of anything...." With that, Gaffer held up an
incredible facsmilie of a SHAG, made out of copper wire, cigarette butts and
Gaffer's Tape.
"That's my good-enough-for-government-work power," he added. "Oh yeah, and
I can pirate cable, overload fuseboxes, tie Gordian Knots...."
"I think they get the idea, Gaffer." The Indie interrupted. "What Gaffer
_didn't_ mention is that none of his powers work for ten minutes out of
every hour. It's a clause with his union."
"Well it's good we got that out of the way," Ultimate Ninja said. "Now the
other writers should have less trouble portraying you two."
"Hanh?" Gaffer and The Indie said.
"Never mind," Opinionated Lad sighed. "Let's go downtown."
"Wait, we're still gonna waltz right into a trap?" The Indie asked.
"It's something to do," Lite said.
"Gaffer," The Indie said. "Next time the LNH calls for work, hang up on
them."
"Way ahead of you," Gaffer said.
"So you're a film guy?" Lite asked The Indie. "You know, I have a friend
who works on those Taco Bell commercials, I could get you a job..."
The Indie growled at Gaffer and moved off towards the rest of the Legion.
"What'd I say?" Lite asked.
==========
Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Six!!!!!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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