LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #81: Mutton Mania Part Five

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Oct 28 13:56:15 PDT 2018

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the fifth section of Mutton Mania.

Mutton Mania #12 gives us some more Martin Phipps.  Ultimate Ninja
has a flashback to the good old days before he was in a cascade with

And for #13 some more Josh Hartung.  Now it's time for the heroes to
do what they do best.  And that would be talking about doing something.
Lot's and lot's of talking.

And now..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #81

                         Mutton Mania Part Five


Ultimate Ninja could barely think straight.  Indeed, he could barely stand.  
His mind wondered back to his youth, to the days of his Ninja training in 

(Begin flashback)

"You have finished your training, Lenny."

"Does that mean that I'm a ninja, Sensei."

"Yes.  But to be the _Ultimate_ Ninja you must follow my advice intil the 
day you die."

"OK.  What advice is that?"

"First, you must drink no more tea.  Too much caffeine.  Bad for the 


"Second, you must deny yourself the pleasures of the flesh."

"No women?"

"No women."

"Well... OK.  Is that it?"

"Third, you must never drink any alcohol."

"No booze?"

"No booze."

"No even saki.  I mean, all your other students get to drink saki."


"Well... I don't know..."

Ultimate Ninja's sensei shook his head.  "I foresee a great future for you, 
Lenny.  You will be known as the Ultimate Ninja!  You will lead a great 
army!  A legion of heroes!  But you must follow my advice for, if you do 
not, you will lose your powers as the Ultimate Ninja and just be yet another 
hapless ninja, the kind that wouldn't last three seconds against a real hero 
like yourself!"

"Say that again?  A legion of heroes?"

"You will be honoured!  Respected!  Looked up to!"


"Hey, 'Ninj!  Are you coming or are we going to have to leave you behind?"


(End flashback)

Ultimate Ninja stood up staight and looked Opinionated Lad directly in the 
eye.  "Indeed!  I've decided!  We're going to follow the copper wire to 
Sheepshagger's hideout!"

"Hear that guys?" Opinionated Lad asked.  "_He_'s decided.  Wow, 'Ninj, what 
would we ever do without you?"

Ultimate Ninja cringed.  He must not let them know about his weakness. He 
recalled the words of Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese general,
specifically the passage that (when translated) read "Even when surrounded 
by the enemy and facing almost certain defeat, you must tell your officers 
that victory is at hand, for only then will you actually be able to achieve 

By the same token, then, he wouldn't tell his teammates that the copper 
trail is almost certainly a trap.  Of course, Sheepshagger wanted them to 
find the copper!  That's the only reason he would have deliberately left a 
cotton trail.  But did the Sheepshagger really expect them to hand over the 

Ultimate Ninja's mind just wasn't able to properly focus on the problem at 
hand.  Nevertheless, he had to remain confident in order to insprire his 
troops.  It was the only way.

Martin (actually did take that from Sun Tzu) Phipps


by Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net)

Working with the League of Net.Heroes had been one the most disorienting 
experiences of The Indie's life.  (Well, aside from that cognac bender 
during his junior year in college where he referred to himself in the royal 
"we" for five months.)  In fact, ever since Occultism Kid took care of the 
overgrown wool, his sense of identity had become.... murky. Ill-defined.  
Oddly enough, Gaffer felt the same way.

"Dude," Gaffer said to The Indie.  "What am I doing with your camera?  And 
why the hell did I call myself an artist?  I'm not an artist, I'm an 

"Just think '$100 an hour' and go with the flow," The Indie replied, taking 
his camera back.

The Indie and Gaffer followed the rest of the team out of the headquarters 
and towards downtown Net.ropolis, where the copper wire led.

"Okay, maybe I'm out of line here," Lite said.  "But doesn't this all look a 
hell of a lot like a trap?"

"Of course it does, my faithful sidekick!"  Easily-Discovered Man said. "But 
in order to bring down this vile perverter of all things ovine, we must 
throw ourselves, boldly and foolishly, into the brobdignagian machinations 
of our Saxon foe!"

"I'd hardly call the desire to molest sheep a 'brobdignagian machination,'" 
Opinionated Lad commented.

"Well, actually..."  The Indie said, attempting to interject.

"Nonetheless!"  Easily-Discovered Man interrupted.  "Such is our task!"

"You know, I think..."  The Indie said, trying to interject again.

"Well, how much sense does that make?"  Opinionated Lad interrupted.  "If we 
_know_ we're walking into a trap, then why are we doing it?"

"Actually, I..."  The Indie began.

"Because we are heroes, o biased battler of the baneful!" Easily-Discovered 
Man interrupted.  "Whilst we are well aware of our impending peril--nay, 
e'en our doom--we must still sally forth to save the life of Deja Dude!"

"You say that as if it's a good reason," Opinionated Lad cracked.

"Oh hell with it," The Indie said to himself.  He clicked open the shutter 
to his camera, aimed it at the assembled Legionnaires and called "ACTION!"

With that, the Legionnaries began to flickered, blurred, flattened and 
shrink into the camera.

"I don't mean to tell you how to do your job," Gaffer said.  "But is that a 
good way to get on with your teammates?"

"By all indications, the people sucked into the camera never know it 
happened," The Indie replied, checking his pockets.  Unfortunately, since he 
had rushed over to LNH Headquarters that morning he'd forgotten his 

"You got a piece of paper?"  The Indie asked Gaffer.

"You see, you need to get yourself a pair of Liefield's (TM)" Gaffer said. 
"They've got pockets all over them.  And it's AMAZING how much each pocket 

Gaffer pulled a tiny notebook out of the fifth left thigh pocket and handed 
it to The Indie.  The Indie took the notebook and wrote,
"Opinionated Lad, Easily-Discovered Man, Easily-Discovered Man Lite, 
Ultimate Ninja and Occultism Kid all listened with rapt attention to The 
Indie for a couple minutes."  He then tore the page out of the notebook and 
slipped it into the camera's Kirbyslot.  With that, the camera whirred to 
life and the assembled heroes reappeared, looking at The Indie with rapt 

"You had something to say, Indie?"  Opinionated Lad asked.

"Okay, first off it's 'THE Indie.' 'Indie' is a character from a Spielberg 
film.  'The Indie' is short for 'The Independent Filmmaker.'  Thus the 
camera.  Are we clear?"

The Legionnaires nodded affirmatively.

"Next, Sheepshagger doesn't just want to have his _way_ with sheep.  He 
wants to amass an unholy army of sheep with which to take over the world and 
rule it with an iron fist."

"How do you know that?"  Occultism Kid asked.

"I read his press release."  The Indie explained.

The Legionnaires looked at him blankly.

"You know--in the trade papers?  _Valor?_ _Cape & Tights Weekly?_ _Costumed 
Vigilante News?_"

The Legionnaires still looked at him blankly.

"Oh come on people, you work in the industry!"  The Indie exclaimed.  "At 
least get a subscription for the office!"

The assembled Legionnaires looked down at their feet and mumbled excuses.

"At any rate," Ultimate Ninja said.  "You were saying about Sheepshagger?"

"Oh, right.  When Sheepshagger turned to evil, his publicist made a press 
release, hoping to put a positive spin on it.  Of course there's only so 
much a publicist can do when your name's Sheepshagger.  Additionally, 
Sheepshagger's gun is called a SHAG.  It can turn people with little sense 
of individuality into sheep.  Thus the teeny-boppers."

"That was in the press release?"  Ultimate Ninja asked.

"No, there was an ad for the SHAG in last month's _KABOOMS, Entertainment 
for Super-Villains_"

Easily-Discovered Man Lite snickered.

"Hey!  I just get it for the articles!"  The Indie insisted.

"Yeah, and I only watch _VIP_ for the fight scenes," Opinionated Lad 
whispered to Lite.

"I heard that!"  The Indie barked.

"Aw, relax Indie--" Opinionated Lad started.

"THE Indie!"

"Whatever.  Nice to know you're not completely useless."  Opinionated Lad 
said.  He then turned and pointed to Gaffer, who was sitting on the curb and 
fiddling with a length of the copper wire.  "But what does he do?"

"All my powers are tied into being a Gaffer--a Chief Lighting Technician," 
Gaffer said.  "I can excrete Gaffer's Tape from my hands, I can coil cable 
at superhuman speed, I can sense free coffee in a five-block radius, I can 
make non-working replicas of anything...."  With that, Gaffer held up an 
incredible facsmilie of a SHAG, made out of copper wire, cigarette butts and 
Gaffer's Tape.

"That's my good-enough-for-government-work power," he added.  "Oh yeah, and 
I can pirate cable, overload fuseboxes, tie Gordian Knots...."

"I think they get the idea, Gaffer."  The Indie interrupted.  "What Gaffer 
_didn't_ mention is that none of his powers work for ten minutes out of 
every hour.  It's a clause with his union."

"Well it's good we got that out of the way," Ultimate Ninja said.  "Now the 
other writers should have less trouble portraying you two."

"Hanh?"  Gaffer and The Indie said.

"Never mind," Opinionated Lad sighed.  "Let's go downtown."

"Wait, we're still gonna waltz right into a trap?"  The Indie asked.

"It's something to do," Lite said.

"Gaffer," The Indie said.  "Next time the LNH calls for work, hang up on 

"Way ahead of you," Gaffer said.

"So you're a film guy?"  Lite asked The Indie.  "You know, I have a friend 
who works on those Taco Bell commercials, I could get you a job..."

The Indie growled at Gaffer and moved off towards the rest of the Legion.

"What'd I say?"  Lite asked.

Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Six!!!!!!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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